Saturday, December 23, 2006

Sticks And Stones Will Break My Bones...

but your silly names will never hurt me.

That is what my mommy told me when I was 6. I was teased mercilessly because my ears were, well, large. So large, in fact, that I still get annoyed when the movie, Dumbo is on television. Apoplectic, even. Now, I realise that she was right. Words and name-calling are not a reflection of me; but, rather, a reflection on the person who says them. Of course, with my experiences as a large-eared youth, I am at least as tough (and ready for the presidency) as Illinois Senator Barack Hussein Obama. (Or, as Ted Kennedy (D-MA) calls him, "Osama Obama.")

But I digress. I had a client who was in the middle of a horrendous divorce. His (not soon enough to be ex-) wife was a miserable shrew, and her lawyer was equally bitter. We never had pleasant words, and the incivility oozed out of my adversary any time we were in the same room.

In the midst of her endless motions (designed to torture my client and make him spend his money), I hit upon a solution to the problem: I filed an Emergency Motion to Act Nice, which was duly set for hearing.

Female Lawyer to Judge: "Your Honour, this motion is frivolous, and my client expects nothing less than attorney fees and costs for coming in here to oppose the motion."

Judge to Me: "Counsel, what have you to say about this?"

Me: "Why does she want to oppose a motion requiring her client to be nice? Why do you want to hear from me? Just allow the motion, and then maybe wife and husband can have some further motivation to act civil towards each other. Especially in front of their children."

Judge to Me: "Why do I need to get involved?"

Me: "Oh, I don't know, maybe because you might be able to get through wife's head that she shouldn't call my client an 'idiot' and 'moron' in front of their kids. I mean, there should be some limitation on what is said in front of little children."

Female Lawyer: "Oh, tell your client to stop being a baby. Sticks and stones."

Judge to Me: "I believe that she has a point. I am denying your motion..."

Me: "Okay, your Honour. Let me just get this straight. It is okay for her to call my client 'idiot' and 'moron' in front of their children because they are just words?"

Judge to Me: "Correct, counselor."

Me: "Okay, then I would like the record to reflect that since 'idiot' and 'moron' are acceptable because they are just words, in the future, my client may refer to his wife as a 'no-good, motherfucking, douchebag cunt.' After all, they are just words. And in the future, you will be known as 'fuckwit' and sister counsel as 'shitwad' or 'worthless snatch.'"

Judge to Me: "I am holding you in contempt of this Court."

Me: "I have no contempt for the Court, I have contempt for you."

[*I am actually just kidding about all of this. The Motion to Be Nice was allowed. The parties still fought, and wife's lawyer was an even bigger bitch after the motion hearing. It is just funnier this way.]

Words. Ya gotta love 'em.


Anonymous said...

fuckwit! hah!

Anonymous said...

It might be the word of the year.


Anonymous said...

and btw, i love dumbo

Rob said...

I hate Dumbo, with a passion.

Dumbo. Hah, that is a funny name. Dumbo.

And Bambi. I would love to see Dumbo meet Bambi...then have a battle to the death.

My money is on Dumbo.