Friday, December 28, 2012


If That Rifle Were Used To Perform Abortions, Having One Would Be A Constitutionally Protected Right

Diane Feinstein (D-CA) is The Lifeguard's Twat of the Week for her misguided views on guns, gun owners, and the Second Amendment.

The Lifeguard wonders if she'll come to the Command Center to collect her award.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

You're Gonna Need Some Bleach For Your Eyes

Federal Regulations Require That
The Lifeguard Have The Occasional Picture Of An Ugly Chick

(In this case, the lucky lady is Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor.)

At a recent speaking engagement at Syracuse Law School, Sotomayor asked a comely 3L if it were true that The Lifeguard was this big.  When the student affirmed the question, Sotomayor gasped, "Santa Maria!"

In other news, Sotomayor was the justice who denied a request to block part of the federal health care law that requires health care plans to pay for emergency contraception pills, such as the morning-after pill.

Hobby Lobby Stores, and a sister company, Mardel, Inc., sued claiming that the requirement violated their religious beliefs.  Sotomayor, however, disagreed, citing government lawyers (as opposed to doctors) who said that the emergency contraception does not cause abortions.

The opinion will allow Hobby Lobby and Mardel, however, to continue to challenge the regulation in lower courts (while incurring $1.3 million per day in fines starting on January 1, 2013).

Now, frankly, The Lifeguard thinks that if there were severe restrictions on alcohol consumption, the need for morning-after pills might be reduced.  After all, if ugly people didn't get drunk, they wouldn't hook up and do the nasty.

Actually, the solution to the problem is to take all contraception off-prescription.  Sell it all, over-the-counter, next to the condoms, the Trojan vibrators, and pregnancy tests.  This will de-politicize birth control as an election issue, and will eliminate the requirement that insurance pay for any type of contraception.  The market will take care of the rest.

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal supports this move, as does The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.  The science has demonstrated that oral contraception is safe, and eliminating the requirement for a prescription would lower prices and end the bickering over who loves women more.

Call your representative in Washington, and ask them to support legislation that will permit the sale of all oral contraception over-the-counter.  Ring (202)224-3121, today.  And, remember, friends don't let friends fuck ugly people.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Somebody's Gonna Come Tonight...

The Lifeguard Will See You Now
The last two virgins arrived, in hopes of being sacrificed to appease the Mayan gods.  (The Lifeguard didn't have the heart to tell them that the end of the world was supposed to be last Friday.)

Fortunately, The Lifeguard has a large package to deliver, and the girls seem game to help with the handling and wrapping of the package.  (Don't worry, The Lifeguard will take care of the delivery.)

So, from The Lifeguard's Command Center to yours, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.


Dear GOP,

Next time, run a candidate who wants to be president.  (And, who doesn't have a son named "Tagg" for a spokesman.)


The Lifeguard

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Fucking Mayans...

She Gave To Save
And, obviously, the Mayan gods were satisfied by her acts to the point that they didn't destroy the world yesterday.  (The Lifeguard was equally satisfied, for the record.  Eleven times.)

Anyway, it's time for a post-apocalypse (and pre-Christmas) Speedos!

  • In Massachusetts, a prisoner, Michelle (nee Robert) Kosilek is seeking a taxpayer-funded sex change operation.  Apparently, this is part of the punishment for killing his wife back in 1990.  (He killed her in a fight over a frock at Filene's Basement.)  While it is true that, for a carton of Newports, prisoners would chop of Kosilek's Johnson, he would prefer that the removal be effected by qualified sex-reassignment professionals.
  • In Kentucky, an appellate court upheld a lower court's finding that Phillip Seaton, a 66-year-old man, had consented to the removal of his penis.  (It's a cancer thing, in case you were wondering.)  While it is true that the insurance company had a two-inch deductible, Seaton sued his doctor for the whack-job, and lost at trial.
  • Maybe The Lifeguard should try to get Kosilek and Seaton together?  
  • President Obama is in Hawaii, for the funeral of the late Senator Daniel Inouye (D-HI).  And, since the timing worked, President Obama has decided to hang out for a few weeks (and a few million dollars) for a much-needed holiday.  
  • The Lifeguard thinks it's wonderful that the president gets a break.  He's been very busy, don't you know.
  • When The Lifeguard read that Georgia was rebuilding monuments to Stalin, he tried to remember a football star from the University of Georgia with the surname Stalin. Then, he remembered...there is another Georgia.
  • Apparently, being a flatulent turd can get you a reprimand.  (Unless you are an elected flatulent turd.)
  • Even in death, Steve Jobs is a dick.
  • Senator John F. Kerry (D-MA), who speaks French and who served in Viet Nam, might well be our next Secretary of State.  This post is becoming the dumping ground for people who just didn't have what it takes to be the president; and, The Lifeguard wonders if this is a good thing.  Do we really want a man, who was the choice of every Third World dictator to be POTUS, to be America's chief diplomat?
  • Is it worse to marry a man for his money (Teresa Heinz Kerry), or to marry the widow of the man she married for his money (Senator John Forbes Kerry).
That's all for now.  The Lifeguard has got some Christmas shopping to do.

Fucking Mayans.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

T-Minus 2

The Mayans Predict The End Is Near
The Lifeguard hopes that converting these virgins will appease the gods.

(The Lifeguard has a more flexible definition of "virgin sacrifice" than did the Mayans.)

Wednesday, December 12, 2012


Serena Williams
In the interest of equal time, The Lifeguard presents she of the really toned arms.

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

She Has Toned Arms
Tennis phenom, Caroline Wozniacki, impersonates Serena Williams (who has really toned arms) at an exhibition match in Brazil, and the tennis world goes batshit.

Seriously?  She stuffs a few towels in her underwear and bra and people start screaming "racist."  She wasn't in black-face, or speaking Ebonics, or making jokes about West Nile mosquitoes eating home-cooking.  She was goofing around, in a good-natured fashion, and shouldn't be excoriated for her antics.

Has the world lost its collective sense of humor?  

Sunday, December 09, 2012

The Lifeguard's Porn Name Should Be "Fiscal Cliff"

IMF Chief Christine Lagarde
Talks About The Lifeguard's Asset
To avoid going over the fiscal cliff, the United States needs to raise taxes and cut spending.   Lagarde noted that it's a little like having The Lifeguard behind you.

Tax increases and austerity measures are like sex with The Lifeguard, Lagarde remarked.  "It's a little painful at first, but then once you get into it, it feels so good."

Thursday, December 06, 2012


President Obama Shows Off The Quality Healthcare Available Under The Affordable Care Act
In an effort to further fuck up the American economy, the IRS finalizes a new tax for medical devices.  (It might not be so bad if the regulatory costs didn't add billions, already.)

In true Washington fashion, the tax probably costs more to collect than it will raise.  The tax on sutures, knee replacement implants, and the like, will bring in an estimated $29 billion over ten years.  That's $2.9 billion a year for ten years.  Congress tips that, for hell's sake.

As President Ronald Reagan noted, corporations don't pay taxes.  (Because they pass the taxes on to the consumer.)  In this case, the tax is to help pay for ObamaCare, so as the medical implant manufacturers pass on the costs to the consumer, the ultimate payer will be the taxpayer.

Thank Christ contraception is covered under ObamaCare, 'cause we are going to get fucked.  Over and over again.