Monday, February 18, 2013

Happy Valentine's Day

It's A Long, Cold Winter
The Lifeguard's Valentine's Day plans were thwarted by a massive snowstorm which dropped as much as three feet of snow over New England.  And, as flights were canceled, The Lifeguard did his part to entertain the crew that was supposed to work his flight.  Unfortunately, the ladies weren't prepared for the winter weather, and The Lifeguard was forced inside.

Now, four days later, the ladies are winging their way south, and The Lifeguard is left behind to cope with the remnants of the storm, the sub-freezing temperatures, and this edition of Speedos!

  • The Preezy of the Heezy is coping with (more) shitty economic news, caused by the impending SEQUESTER, increased payroll taxes, high fuel costs, and higher marginal tax rates by doing the only logical thing.  He's going to play golf.  (And, who can blame him, he's got the cash, the time, and the cool-ass plane.)
  • The press corps is seething over the fact that they have no access while he's on spring break.  Apparently, it's true, no good deed goes unpunished.  (And, by "good deed," The Lifeguard means "years of never asking difficult questions.")
  • A meteor hit Russia on February 15th.  The Russian air defense radars failed to detect its approach.  Maybe this is why President Obama is gutting US missile defenses in Eastern Europe.  After all, if their early-warning radars miss a giant meteor, maybe their missiles will work just as well.
  • The United Nations wants to get involved in tracking objects from space. Sounds reasonable, since the UN has done such a great job keeping peace in Africa.
  • The City of Baltimore, in Maryland, spent $585,000.00 on a consultant, whose task was to find ways for the city to save money.  Note to Baltimore:  The Lifeguard would have done it for $250,000.00.
  • Chicago's police superintendent, Garry McCarthy, blamed the Second Amendment for the violence in Chicago.  This seems reasonable, since all of those murders were caused by law-abiding citizens carrying legal firearms.  Well, weren't they?
  • Garry McCarthy wins The Lifeguard's award for Dumbass of the Week.
  • Danica Patrick made NASCAR history by being the hottest pole-sitter in the history of NASCAR.  (The Lifeguard can't bring himself to call it a sport.)  Speaking of pole-sitting, The Lifeguard has an opportunity for Danica.
  • New York City is planning to round up the mentally ill.  The Lifeguard suggests that they start over in Turtle Bay.  Maybe go to Albany. 
  • Pope Benedict XVI proves his humility by resigning as pope.  If only other people would show such sack.  Kudos to the Holy Father.
  • The Lifeguard promises to resign if ever he is unable to carry out his responsibilities.  
That's all for now, boys and girls.


Wednesday, February 06, 2013

You May Kiss The Bride...

In Provincetown, Massachusetts ("America's Gayest Town"), Egyptian president Mohammed Morsi and Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad were married in a private ceremony.  

"If we were in our own countries, we would have to have ourselves stoned or hanged," said Ahmadinejad.  "We thank the Great Satan for letting us express our commitment," noted Ahmadinejad.  "And," he said, "it looks like I'm going to be an 'Asstronaut' after all."

"That is the trouble with the love whose name must not be spoken,"  said Morsi.  "We are so grateful to have the opportunity to share our love for each other in this manner," the Egyptian Brotherhood heavyweight stated.

The couple dined on a traditional New England clam bake before trekking into Boston, where they danced the night away at the Ram Rod Nightclub.  The following morning, they flew out of Logan on their way to a six-day, seven-night tour of former concentration camps, followed by a Holocaust Deniers cruise.

The happy pair is registered at Bed, Bath & Beyond, Home Depot, and Macy's.

Mr. and Mr. Morsi-Ahmadinejad will split their time between Tehran and Cairo.

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

It's February...

Do you have any fucking idea how busy The Lifeguard is?  Or, how hard it is to be funny all of the time?  Or, how many stewardesses there are on a 787 Dreamliner?  

No?  The Lifeguard didn't think so.

But, these are all valid considerations, so back off!  Now, without further adieu, it's Speedos!
  • A group of Spanish tourists, visiting the famed Punta Diamante area of Acapulco, had their villa raided by armed thugs.  The men were bound with telephone cables, and the women were tied up with their bikinis and gang-raped.  And the United States is considering amnesty for illegal immigrants, some of whom have committed similar crimes in their countries; and, who might just likely commit similar crimes here in America?  Um...yeah.  Swell idea.  Great idea.  How about we don't allow immigration from any country that can't control crime.  And, how about we all stay the hell out of Mexico.
  • Former Democrat (duh!) Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr.'s wife, Sandi Jackson, is under investigation by the Feds.  Wait!  Corruption in Chicago?  The Lifeguard is shocked.  Next thing you know, you'll be telling The Lifeguard that there are a lot of murders in Chicago, a city with some of the nation's tightest restrictions on gun ownership.
  • Chicago was the Murder Capital of America in 2012.  And don't even think about trying to call 9-1-1 if you aren't in the process of being murdered.
  • Detroit has a new slogan for 2013.  "Visit Detroit, where you are less likely to be murdered than if you visit Chicago."
  • She should have had The Lifeguard as her lawyer.  (The Lifeguard once had a client call a judge a cunt, in open court.  The client only spent a few hours in a cell before he apologized and was sent on his way.)
  • The Lifeguard congratulates the Baltimore Ravens on their Super Bowl win.  The Lifeguard also congratulates whatever douche bag was behind bringing the Sandy Hook choir to sing, thus politicizing (perhaps unintentionally) the shooting last December.  Why didn't they bring in the Benghazi Consulate Barbershop Quartet to sing a ditty at the half?
  • It used to be that the player who survived the big game and was chosen as MVP got to go to Disney World.  Now, if  you survive a school massacre, you get to go to the Super Bowl.
  • We are still waiting for news on the Benghazi Consulate debacle.  "Nope.  It's not terrorism.  Nothing to see here."  But, when there is a bombing at the US Embassy in Ankara, the administration can't call it terrorism fast enough.
  • Chicago is contemplating a twenty-five-cent-per-pair tax on basketball shoes.  Um.  Isn't that kind of racist?  And, won't that encourage more crime and tax-avoidance?  After all, you don't pay tax on stolen kicks.  And, if there's a tax, won't that encourage an underground market for shoes?  Or discourage people from exercising?  
  • How stupid are people in Chicago?  (Rhetorical question.  Don't answer.)  More gun control leads to more murders.  More taxes leads to lower tax revenues.  And fewer kids shooting hoop (and getting fat in the process) because they don't want to wear out their shoes.  Thank Christ President Obama isn't like that.
  • President Obama's consigliere, Attorney General Eric Holder, has put his imprimatur on the use of drone strikes to kill American citizens who might be “senior operational leaders” of al-Qaida or “an associated force” -- even if there is no intelligence indicating they are engaged in an active plot to attack the U.S.  And this is the cat who wanted to close Gitmo?
  • Fifty-four countries offered support of covert rendition after September 11th.  Publicizing this will certainly help those countries' standing in the world.
  • Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants to be shot into space.  The Lifeguard thinks that this might be a good solution to the Iranian problem.  After all, he didn't say anything about coming back.
  • New Jersey senator, Robert Menendez (D-Duh!) has been accused of traveling to the Dominican Republic and having sex with underage girls.  (They are, clearly, doing a job that Americans won't do.)  And yet, there has been radio silence from the media.  
  • Now, if the underage prostitute were also building iPhones, the child-labor activists would be apoplectic.
  • Isn't it a bit incongruous to get worked up about children working in factories while ignoring children being fucked by wealthy tourists?
  • Argentina can't pay the bills, but they are going to reclaim the Falkland Islands within the next twenty years?  Huh?  Those sheep must be worth a fortune.
  • The Democrats want to make voting registration...and voting...easier.  The Lifeguard thinks that this is a galactically stupid idea.  What we need are limitations that prevent voter fraud, intimidation, and a watering down of our right to exercise the right to vote.  That means voter IDs, limitations on early voting, and clearly defined rules relating to absentee ballots.  Sure, these are state-level issues; but, they are important nevertheless.  One needs a photo ID to buy alcohol, get antihistamines, and to get on a plane.  Why not a photo ID to vote.
  • Gas prices are going up again, hitting the non-super-rich.  Now, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick (D-Duh!) wants to raise gas taxes, along with income taxes here in the Commonwealth.  Because that's what we need here in the Commonwealth:  more taxes.
That's enough for today.

Remember, you shouldn't criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes.  (That way, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have his shoes.)

The Lifeguard has to get back to those stewardesses.