Friday, April 26, 2013


Tsarnaev Brothers' Plans To Bomb Times Square Foiled...
You could say that the plans hit a...SPEEDBUMP.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013


It's been a little over a week since the cowardly combo, Tamarlan Tsarnaev (a/k/a Speedbump) and Dzhokhar Tsarnaev (a/k/a Flashbang) killed four and wounded and maimed over two hundred people on their Islam-fueled terror spree.  We are still standing, and The Lifeguard is still contemplating, what this means in The War Against Terror.

  • Speedbump, his wife, and his brother, it seems, were welfare recipients, at least until 2012, when Speedbump's wife (and convert to the so-called "Religion of Peace") started working eighty hours a week.  This, apparently, was so that her husband could continue his study of the Noble Qur'an, purchase fireworks, and research pressure cookers.
  • Speedbump was, apparently, on classified government watch list.  Sadly, no one was watching him.  He made the list in 2011, after the Russian government informed the FBI that he, an ethnic Chechen, had become a follower of radical Islamists.
  • When the bombs went off last Monday, was The Lifeguard the only one who immediately went to "Islamic terrorists"?  Wouldn't it be prudent to cull the aforementioned government watch list of those following radical Islamists, then watch them?  Political correctness seems to have led us to this point, and maybe it's time to re-evaluate this behavior.
  • Why hasn't President Obama condemned (or mentioned) Islamic fundamentalism over the last week?  Why hasn't anyone (in the administration) come out with a condemnation of Islamic fundamentalism?
  • Flashbang continues to recover in a Boston hospital.  He has received his Miranda warning, and will be tried in a civilian court.  
  • Isn't it kind of ironic that an Islamic terrorist is recovering in Beth Israel Hospital?
  • And, The Lifeguard finds it kind of hard to make light about a terrible tragedy.  One that might have been stopped were we not so damned afraid of offending a group that has reliably been connected to terror bombings.
That's all for now.


Thursday, April 18, 2013

We're All Good...

The Lifeguard offers kudos to the men and women of IBEW Local 103, who used their billboard in Dorchester, Massachusetts to express The Lifeguard's sentiments about the douchebags who bombed the finish line of the 117th Boston Marathon.


Fortunately, The Lifeguard didn't run this year; but, if he had, he'd have been safe.  The Lifeguard would have still been kissing Wellesley College women and doing Jell-o shots with them.
  • This year's air show at the Dayton International Airshow will not have a re-enactment of the dropping of the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  The Lifeguard is pretty sure that this is a good move on the part of the air show organizers.  However, if the identity of the Marathon Bomber is determined, maybe it can be a re-enactment of the bombing of his country.
  • President Obama was in Boston today, to speak at a service at the Cathedral of the Holy Cross.  The Lifeguard is shocked that he didn't have the Newtown (Connecticut) families; or, former Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, along for the ride.  After all, President Obama has shown no shame in his use of victims to promote his agenda.
  • Well, he's stayed pretty fucking far away from the Benghazi victims.  Even Gigolo of State John Forbes Kerry doesn't have the time to look into this.
  • Senator Diane Feinstein (D-CA) is a moron.  We don't need more gun laws, we need enforcement of the ones we have.  Oh, and some attention to the mentally ill.
  • Does Congress not address mental health issues, vis a vis gun control, because they too are mentally ill?
  • The Lifeguard is appalled at how law enforcement has responded to the Boston Marathon bombing.  Appalled.
All right, y'all.  


Tuesday, April 09, 2013


It's on, bitches!  

The 2013 MLB season is underway, and it's another edition of Speedos!

  • Margaret Thatcher, Great Britain's first (and only) female prime minister, passed away yesterday.  She was a force to be reckoned with, and one of the key players in the dismantling of the Iron Curtain.  She will be missed.
  • The Lifeguard can only hope that if the United States has a woman as president she will be as gracious (and tenacious) as Baroness Thatcher.
  • The Boston Red Sox are 5-2, and are atop the AL East.  Sure, it's only April 9th; but, The Lifeguard is stoked.
  • The Louisville Cardinals won the NCAA Basketball Championship, defeating the University of Michigan, 82-76.  (At least Michigan lost because of shitty play, not for calling a time-out that they didn't have.)
  • What does the University of Kentucky student have in common with the University of Louisville student?  They both got into Louisville.
  • The Lifeguard looked for some reporting on the Women's NCAA Tournament, but couldn't find any.  Because no one cares.
  • An Auburn, Massachusetts man is charged by police for killing a bear in his backyard.  (So much for the right to bear arms.)  HFWTFMF?!?  It was a bear.  In his backyard.
  • Police are considering charging the man with a "Hate Crime" since it was a black bear; and, therefore, racially motivated.
  • The Lifeguard was umpiring a college baseball game over the weekend.  After an ejection, The Lifeguard was walking the coach off the field when said coach stopped, pulled third base out of the ground, and threw it into the middle of the infield.  The Lifeguard said, "Wow!  That's the best throw today by anyone wearing your team's uniform."
  • The Preezy of the Heezy slams Republican lawmakers for "political stunts" regarding gun control.  Then, he travels to Newtown, Connecticut to meet eleven parents of Newtown victims so that he can fly them back to Washington, D.C. on Air Force One.  This is one of the (many) reasons that he is The Lifeguard's Fucktard of the Week.
  • A topless protester confronts Russian president Vladimir Putin and German Chancellor Angela Merkel...and Putin "liked it."  First, it was Pussy Riot, now, it's Titty Riot.
  • Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is still dead.
  • Is The Lifeguard the only one hoping that Beyonce and Jay Z stay in Cuba?
  • The advertisement for Viagra suggests seeking medical attention for an erection lasting more than four hours.  Are they trying to say that a quickie is bad?
All right.  It's late, and The Lifeguard is tired.  Rest in peace, Mrs. Thatcher.

Have a great day, y'all.