Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Geraldo knows...

Bigger Than Al Capone's Safe

"I want to film The Lifeguard for a Fox News special, but I can't get Breashears and an IMAX camera to shoot it," said Geraldo.


Another fan of The Lifeguard

Rachel Is So Impressed By The Lifeguard, She Has To Avert Her Eyes

But, she has a smile on her face.  

Thanks to The Lifeguard.

Don't kill the job...

Union Workers In Greece
Clean Up At The End Of The Day

The Lifeguard notes that this building was under construction the last time that he was in Greece.  Of course, it's a big project, and it's hard to get anything done when the union requires so many breaks for coffee, lunch, naps, ouzo, and harassment of women walking by the site.

The good news for the Athenian citizenry?  The project is scheduled for completion in 2123.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Lifeguard is clearly a lesbian...

Because He Hates Dick's
(Sporting Goods)
The Lifeguard went into Dick's Sporting Goods to pick up a few pair of socks.  Once inside, he realised that the store is aptly named, given that every single shopper and employee that The Lifeguard encountered was either a dick; or, they didn't know dick.

Seriously, it's a sporting goods store.  They can't find a couple of English-speaking sportos who want to work in the place?  Instead, The Lifeguard had to endure broken English, minimal math skills, and a personality that never started.  (And, to top it all off, she looked nothing like either of the nice young ladies in the above picture.)

The next time The Lifeguard needs something, he's going to call Amazon.  (Actually, the next time The Lifeguard needs something, he's going to call these two.)

Friday, May 18, 2012

Oh, yeah!

Kenya Give A Brother A Break?
With news of Obama's Kenyan birth (in his literary agent's bio), one fact looms large:

The true fail was within the so-called Birther Movement.


The Lifeguard offers another installment of the most anticipated commentary on life, politics, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and sex.  Speedos!

  • Eduardo Saverin (of Facebook fame) relinquished his American citizenship in September, 2011, becoming a citizen of Singapore.  A few days later, the plans for the Facebook IPO became public, and it became obvious that Ed had flown the coop to avoid about $67 million in taxes.  And, while The Lifeguard thinks that Ed is an ungrateful douche, The Lifeguard says, "Good on ya, mate!"  (The Lifeguard also hopes that Ed gets caught tagging a building.)
  • That having been said,  The Lifeguard thinks that Senator Putzhead's EX-PATRIOT Act legislation might just be a Bill of Attainder.  Of course, The Lifeguard does realise that the constitutional whizzes in our government might have missed their law school class on that day.
  • President Obama's relatives (pictured above) line up for their driving tests at the Massachusetts RMV office (just outside Nairobi).
  • When The Lifeguard was running the Boston Marathon, he saw an awful lot of T-Shirts emblazoned with the flag of President Obama's homeland.  (Which is, of course, America.)
  • The news of President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still neither Muslim nor Kenyan) having been described as "...born in Kenya..." (by his literary agent) is troubling to The Lifeguard (for many reasons).  First, it shows that President Obama is either corrupt (for lying to sell a story) or stupid (for not catching his agent's gaffe).  Second, it demonstrates the depth of the mainstream media's hatred for President Bush The Younger.  (How did the media miss--or hide--this shit, and why?)  And, finally, how did President Obama ever get a teaching position at the University of Chicago Law School?  (Don't answer that.  It's a rhetorical question.)
  • As a Senior Lecturer at the University of Chicago, President Obama taught two more courses a year than US Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren teaches at Harvard Law School.
  • The Lifeguard was talking to a Canadian friend, who related a story about a conversation with an American who asked, "What's a 'Canada'?"  (Answer:  A hat, worn by an 'America.')
  • California Governor, Jerry Brown, is salivating over the Facebook IPO.  All of those new millionaires equal scads of additional tax revenue for his near-bankrupt state.  Money which will, no doubt, go straight down some Sacramento rat hole.
  • It seems that The Lifeguard was correct in his assessment of the Trayvon Martin shooting.  Not only did The Lifeguard suggest that Martin was the aggressor, he also suggested that Martin may have been jonesin' for some Skittles.
That's all for now, friends.

Have a great day.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Her Obsession Continues!

More About The Lifeguard's Big Stick
"The Lifeguard is a lot like Teddy Roosevelt.  He carries a big stick," said the FLOTUS.

 Apparently, her husband, America's first gay president, was also impressed.  

Just remember, Mr. President.  The Lifeguard doesn't play for that team.  (Not that there is anything wrong with that.)

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Size Matters...

Barack May Have A Big Stick, But The Lifeguard Has A Bigger...Um...Stick.
The First Lady was at some fundraiser, and she walked in on The Lifeguard as he was tucking in his lifesaving...equipment.

She screamed.

Her security detail came running.

The Lifeguard was escorted out of the building.

Something about The Lifeguard "packing a weapon."

Sunday, May 13, 2012


The Lifeguard Wishes All Mothers A Happy Mother's Day

As is now tradition, The Lifeguard will spend the day volunteering with unwed teenage moms.  (Helping them get their start, of course.)

Thursday, May 10, 2012


This May Be The Next Most Popular Picture From This Blog

Welcome, y'all!  It's been a while since the last installment of Speedos, but there has been a lot happening.  So, here's The Lifeguard's package for today.

  • The Lifeguard doesn't give a fuck that Giuliana Rancic is pregnant...because she's not.  Her surrogate, however, is pregnant.  What has the world come to when some D-List celebrity sucks up so much of the media spotlight?
  • 42% of Americans will be obese by 2030?  Don't act surprised.  The Lifeguard thinks that 42% of Americans are already there.
  • Washington, DC is going to start using more expensive Trojan condoms in their HIV prevention programs.  Apparently kids have complained that the generic condoms were "too small."  (What kid doesn't think that he's hung like a moose?)  The Lifeguard can only hope that Congress will start using condoms the next time they screw us.
  • Harvard Law professor (and senatorial candidate) Elizabeth Warren is 1/32d Cherokee (because she has high cheekbones).  Does that make The Lifeguard half Jewish and half black?  (After all, people have told The Lifeguard that he has a big nose and a huge cock.)
  • Given The Lifeguard's heritage, does that mean that he'll get hired by Harvard Law School?  (Note to Harvard.  Pay The Lifeguard $350,000.00 and he'll teach two classes.)
  • Al Qaeda can design a bomb to fit in a camera case, or a pair of underwear?  Why can't Al Qaeda turn some of that ingenuity toward peace?  And, God help them if they ever put a bomb in Fido.  PETA and the ASPCA will kill every last one of them.  
  • John Travolta being sued for sexual harassment by two men?  The Lifeguard is shocked.  Shocked!
  • The most recent underwear bomb plot was undone by a double-agent who had infiltrated the group planning the attack.  And now, because someone can't keep their fucking mouth shut, we have not only lost that asset in TWAT (The War Against Terror), we have put at risk the brave men and women who work within allied intelligence services.
  • Why do the majority of searches for pictures of lesbians and fat women (on this blog) originate in Iran?
  • God, how The Lifeguard misses The Cold War.  At least the threat was quantifiable, identifiable, and verifiable.  Plus, the Soviets were just as prone to enjoying life as we are.  Instead, we are dealing with a bunch of bugfuck crazy religious fanatics, longing to leave this world for paradise and 72 Virginians.  
Off to make the world a better place.



Photography Fail
Is someone trying to make a statement about Qatar Airways?  Zagreb, Croatia?  Hmm?

Will someone never work again?  Hmm?

Wednesday, May 09, 2012


Hoosier Dick?
Not Lugar.  (Consider this the Tea Party's version of gun control.)

Which prompted The Lifeguard to consider the following:

  • If you were a thirty-six (36) year veteran of the US Senate, and you lost to a guy you outspent more than three-to-one ($6.7m to Mourdock's $2m), wouldn't you be a bit chastened?  And, if you are 80 years old, shouldn't you just go gracefully, not like a petulant child?
  • The Senate is trading one Dick for another.  The Senate's Dick Quotient remains high.  (Some would say that the Dick Quotient is at 100%.)
  • Does a Dick Armey carry a Dick Lugar?
  • Did Obama's claim, "That he loved Dick," hurt Lugar among Evangelical Christians?  Did it help him in the gay community?
  • If Mourdock loses to Democrat Joe Donnelly, Indiana's US Senate delegation will be "Dickless."
The Lifeguard will continue to follow this race, as The Lifeguard welcomes any opportunity to make dick jokes, or be in Diana.

[Ed. Note:  This is Diana.]

Tuesday, May 08, 2012


The Audacity Of The Dope
America got a lot of firsts with President Barack Hussein Obama.  Here are just a few.

  • He is the first American president who is almost most-certainly not a Muslim.
  • He is the first American president to spend time and money fighting the release of his birth certificate.
  • He is the first white-African president.  (Hey, if George Zimmerman can be a white-Hispanic, why can't President Obama be a white-African?)
  • He is the first American president to have not one, but two relatives living illegally in the United States.  (One of them, in public housing; and, the other, arrested recently for driving drunk.)
  • He is the first American president to play nearly 100 rounds of golf in his first term.
  • He has incurred more debt in less than four years in office than his predecessor did in eight (while fighting two wars, no less).  [Ed. Note:  This came from CBS News, so you know that it is probably true.]
  • He is the first president to hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden.  (And, he will remind us of the fact that he killed bin Laden and saved General Motors every time a camera is rolling.)  
  • He is the first president to make The Lifeguard think that maybe...just maybe...Australia is a good place to live.  (Even Jimmy Carter couldn't do that.)
And, proof that The Lifeguard isn't alone, follow this link for a list of Obama's other historic firsts.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012


*What Would Mitt Do?
President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim and who was still not born in Kenya) "spiked the football" with respect to Osama bin Laden.  Obama intimated that Republican contender, Mitt Romney, would not have had the cojones to hunt down bin Laden, and a firestorm ensued.

Romney noted that, "[e]ven Jimmy Carter would have given that order."  (Jimmy Carter denied it.)

Said Mitt, "Not only would I have given the order to kill bin Laden, I'd have baptized him into the Mormon Church after he was dead."