Wednesday, November 29, 2006
I don't know why a riff about penis size should be on top of a picture of Lindsay Lohan, but....
Some urologist was on Oprah and he mentioned that for every thirty five (35 lbs.) pounds of weight a man loses, he gains an inch of penis size. Beyond that, I refuse to comment further, except to say: 1) I was not watching Oprah today; 2) I have never watched Oprah; and, 3) I don't plan on ever watching Oprah.
I did a little research, and discovered that there is some correlation to weight gain (and loss of penis size). The inverse would, therefore, be true.
Aw, fuck it. We all know size matters, and that's why the diet starts right now.
Since Michael Richards blew up before our eyes, there have been apologies, press conferences, and lawyers, preachers and other chattering skulls weighing in on the subject. The two men (frankly, I am too lazy to look up their names) who were the targets of the tirade have retained Gloria Allred (frankly, I don't need to know their names, just that the contemptible Gloria Allredis their lawyer) to represent them, and have said that they want an apology and remuneration, as dictated by an arbitrator. When asked by Sean Hannity to put a price on the harm caused by Richards, and his use of the N-Word, the target said that was for the judge to decide. When asked what his response would be if the judge deemed that there was no monetary damage, the man said that he would continue to fight because he was so harmed by Richards' words. What a dick. (However, if Michael Richards were, say, the senior senator from West Virginia, he might have gotten a pass.)
Now frankly, if the two men had said nothing, and gotten up to leave, they would have been mere footnotes to history. However, they have chosen to inject themselves into the public eye; and, as such, deserve nothing. (As an aside, if Malachi Ritscher had just screamed "Nigger!" as he was striking the match, then somebody might have noticed his sad and futile stunt sooner.)
Now, I do not believe that we should censor people such as comedians and the press (unless national security is involved). And the use of certain words does not imply that one is a racist (unless the speaker uses those words while a cross burns, or a rope dangles from a tree).
As far as I am concerned, the so-called N-Word is so overused as to have lost its pejorative meaning. The use of the N-Word is not unlike the use of "fuck". It is crude, and people should know that it is an inappropriate declaration, but it is still widely used (and tolerated); and, it should not be eliminated from the vernacular. "Gay" has lost its original meaning, as has "queer". Indeed, gays proudly use the term "queer" to describe themselves and their lifestyle.
However, in the interest of sensitivity, all potentially offensive terms will be differently represented. For instance, instead of the N-Word, you will see N*****. Instead of the S-Word, you will see S***. The Irish will be known as M**** and the Guineas will be known as W*** or D*****. Southerners will be known as C******* or R*******. Indians will be known as C***** or S****** (depending upon their place of origin); and, going forward, the (offensive) Washington Redskins Football Team will be known simply as the Redskins.*
*Since "Washington" is the far more offensive part of the name.
Between Michael Richards and his atomic bomb-like response to a pair of hecklers and the letter to the editor of The Dartmouth by Josie Harper, Director of Athletics and Snivelling White Person Angst, the world has lost its collective mind...again.
Harper apologised for the fact that Dartmouth's hockey team is playing the University of North Dakota's Fighting Sioux. She apologised for any offense that might be taken at the mascot of the University of North Dakota, or the name (notwithstanding the fact that the Sioux Nation has heartily endorsed the use of the mascot). The only people that feel bad, or take offense, are the self-flagellating white folks and pointy-headed academics who head up athletic departments at Ivy League colleges.
The only thing that Josie should be apologising for is the ass-whipping that the Fighting Sioux are going to put on the Green when they roll into town.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Apparently, those death camps were really just resorts for the Jews.
Thank God that the Iranian government is going to sponsor a workshop to look into how history has exaggerated the holocaust, and how this was all just a Jewish plot to justify the formation of the nation of Israel.
Those sneaky Jews. They manufactured mountains of evidence of Nazi death camps and the systematic extermination of Jews (and Gypsies, Catholics, homosexuals and other lesser races) so that an arid desert land could be given to the Jews as their homeland.
You would think that Iran (and other Muslim nations) would be grateful for a Jewish state. A place where all Jews could go and live in peace and harmony. Of course, the Israelis took this land, and through industriousness, education and a lot of help from the United States, turned it into a productive society. And, they did it, I might add, on the only piece of land in the Middle East that isn't flush with oil wealth.
Rather than do the same with their own people, they selected the Zionist Jews as the cause of their problems. This, of course, is much easier than actually being productive.
Rather than have an open, democratic society, Iran chooses to oppress those who oppose the mullahs, to make women second-class citizens, and to limit the media. There is no need to actually work, since the nation is driven by petrodollars; and, it is much easier to demonise Israel than deal with change.
Ahmed: I want a new video game, papa.
Hamed: We can't afford to buy you one, Ahmed. Thanks to the Great Satan, and their puppet, the Jewish dogs in Israel, we have no money. Why don't you become a suicide bomber, then you will not need a video game. You will be too busy with the 72 virgins that will be bestowed upon you in Paradise.
Ahmed: Oh, papa. You are so right. I don't need an X-Box, just an explosive belt and a one-way ticket to Tel Aviv. Allah akhbar.
AT LEAST HE GOT HIS OWN WIKIPEDIA PAGE...
And all he had to do was sit down on the side of the road, douse himself with gasoline, and strike a match. The saddest, most bizzare aspect of Malachi Ritscher's futile act is that it took almost a month for anyone to notice.
Ritscher complained, in his suicide note, of the tragic machinations of the U.S. Government that allowed us to go into Iraq and to kill innocent civilians. He also lamented the high cost of gasoline, and the destruction of the environment by Americans.
It took nearly a month for anyone to notice that he had killed himself.
Ritscher also expressed remorse that he had not followed through on his plans to assassinate (former) Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld. It also took nearly a month for anyone to notice that he had killed himself.
The real tragedy of Ritscher's action, aside from the fact that he committed suicide on the side of a busy expressway, at rush hour, is that no one stopped to try to avert this sad and shameless display of selfishness and stupidity. The second tragedy is that no one noticed for almost a month.
For the record, Iraq is a mess. Not for the reasons that Ritscher expounded; but, rather, because radical Islam continues to foment rebellion, to kill innocents, and to disrupt what is surely the will of the broader Iraqi citizenry to live in a peaceful, democratic society.
Rather than die a senseless (if not spectacular) death, Ritscher could have done something positive with the years remaining on this earth. He could have done charitable work. He could have run for office. He could have gotten a job. Instead, he chose to go out in a blaze of glory (or up in a puff of smoke, you decide).
The upside, he got his own Wikipedia page. And, he got his fifteen minutes of fame. It just took nearly a month for anyone to notice.
Friday, November 24, 2006
The insanity continues, as a grandmother blows herself up, injuring three Israeli soldiers. The woman, fearing that her family would put her in an old-age home, decided to strap one on and try to kill a few innocents.
Said one of her grandchildren, "we didn't really want grandma living with us because she smelled like...you know...an old person." The upside, of course, is that the Palestinian government will save a buttload of money on eldercare. "Grandma was waiting for surgery, and this will help out a lot, since now we don't have to help her after she gets out of hospital." Ally Ahmadi, the visiting nurse who would have had to attend to grandma was also happy, since now she would have more time to sit around and denigrate Israel and the Great Satan. "I am going to encourage my mother to become a glorious suicide bomber as soon as I get home. She is getting on in years, and is starting to smell like an old person," Ahmadi said. "She really hates Jews. In fact, I really hate Jews," Ahmadi said.
In America, our seniors go to work at Wal-Mart. In Gaza, they go blow themselves up at Wal-Mart (which is to say, at an IDF checkpoint).
What insanity. And what do these old women get in Paradise? 72 virgins? Do they get to become virgins again? Do they have more rights in Paradise?
Golda Meir once said that there will be peace in the Middle East when Muslim mothers love their children more than they hate the Jews. With this abomination, peace appears to be nowhere in sight.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
My mother advises me that she will be having spaghetti and meatballs for Thanksgiving. I advised her that I would not be attending (due largely to the unconventional menu).
Of course, if the Pilgrims had been, say, Italians, then maybe this would be the meal of choice for Thanksgiving.
I can just see Guido going out to whack the turkey, so that the meat can be ground for sausages and meatballs. I can just see Concetta going out to barter with the locals for some grain, to make flour for her spaghetti.
Indian: "How. Wheat basket be 42 beads."
Concetta: "What the fuck do you mean, 42 beads?" [Shoots indian, takes wheat.]
Happy Thanksgiving, and to all, a good night.
An article in the Daily Mail discusses 3-D technology to look at animals in the womb. Everything from an elephant to a dolphin to a golden retriever. Absolutely unbelievable, and certain to provoke discussion about the development of the foetus (vis a vis abortion for humans) and evolution.
I can't wait for the show.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
CSI (Especially CSI: Miami) is awesome. It is on TV something like 31 hours a day, 8 days a week. David Caruso's brooding Horatio Caine is the perfect counter-point to Emily Procter's amazing Callie Duquesne. I just can't get enough of this show, and the fact that it is set in my former hometown makes it even better.
Indeed, this series picks up, for me, where Vice left off. Great music, great scenes, good writing...generally.
Except for last night's episode, where a plot to detonate a truckload of explosives at the Turkey Point Nuclear Power Plant by some very semitic looking bad guys is thwarted by H.
I can appreciate the set-up. The threat of a bomb at a nuke plant is a real fear, and the economic (and ecological) damage that would be caused is outrageous. I can even appreciate the delicacy that was exercised with the build up to the climax of the episode.
But when the (obviously) Islamic guy says "Long life to you, brother" rather than "Allah akhbar" (or some other Arabic proclamation), I say that we have lost our collective minds.
(Or, I Hope That This Is True)
There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra
Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an
alternative to ranchers for controlling the
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the
tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the
predators, the tree-huggers had a more humane
solution. What they proposed was for the animals
to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose
again and the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the
by Wool and Sheep Grower's Association
the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea
for a couple of minutes.
Finally, a cowboy in the in the back stood up,
tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think
you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin'
our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."
Monday, November 20, 2006
and Wake plunged in the polls, dropping to Number 20 going into Saturday's contest in College Park. The 14th ranked Demon Deacons, hampered by injuries and bad luck got run over by an amped VT squad.
With a win in CP, however, the Deacs can play for the ACC Championship, against the Ramblin' Wreck.
Meanwhile, Michigan remained Number 2 in the serious polls, so it looks like a re-match is in the offing in the Rose Bowl.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
This was the second-highest scoring game of the OSU/Michigan rivalry. While I was pulling for the Wolverines, I can admit (and respect) how well OSU played, overcoming several miscues, to hold on for the three-point victory. The bottom line, though, is that Michigan must remain number two. No other team is even close, and if there is any sanity in the BCS, then we should see a rematch of the Game of the Century in the new year.
In the second most important game in college football, Virginia Tech takes an early 7-0 lead following a 3-play 62-yard drive. The Demon Deacons come out of the blocks looking flat; and, to win against this tough VT Hokies team, they will have to play a tougher brand of football than they have played thus far.
U of M 31
This is more like a heavyweight bout (think Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed) than a football game. No defense, not much style. Just bludgeon the other team with brute strength.
By the way, Rocky III was on television today, before the "Game of the Century." It is, perhaps, the second-best of the Rocky saga. I would, of course, put the first one at the top of the heap; and, Rocky IV, third. Rocky II is the worst of the films.
Of course, I am partial to the interchange between the commentator and Clubber Lang (Mr. T).
Announcer: "Clubber, what is your prediction for tonight's fight?"
Brent Musberger's love affair with Bobby Bowden ended when Bobby and the 'Noles couldn't get it done against Wake Forest. Now, he is in love with Ohio State University coach, Jim Tressel, the "...best play caller in college football."
I make no secret of my disdain for Brent. He is a dumbass, and a homer.
I recall an Arkansas v. University of Miami game in the late 80s. Brent was in Miami for the game, and he was excoriating the UM athletes--and students--for being criminals (the former) and assholes (the latter).
Fast forward to the Orange Bowl, and the game. A group of UM students had put up a giant sign that said "Miami Loves Brent and CBS." When the cameras were on the sign, and the students had set the hook, they pulled the ripcord. The sign unfurled, and the national television audience saw "FUCK YOU, BRENT!"
By the way, with 14:52 remaining, the Big Ten officiating crew just took a TD off of the board, the knee having been ruled down. On 3rd and Goal, Hart scores the TD, again, and U of M closes to 35-30. U of M will not go for 2. Michigan trails 35-31. Developing...
[Ed. Note: I still hate Brent Musberger.]
Friday, November 17, 2006
In West Virginia, where it acceptable to have a Klansman as your senior senator; and, where people marry their siblings (presumably, to avoid having problems with their in-laws), some idiots got upset at this picture, which has been hanging in the Bridgeport High School (in Clarksburg, WV) for thirty years. Thirty fucking years! That is a generation and a half; and while I can imagine how painful it must be to see a picture of a gentle-looking white guy every day, I just don't see how this picture, hanging in a school (or anywhere else), can be offensive.
This picture, in a school, in its context, is no different than a picture of John F. Kennedy, or of Martin Luther King, Jr., both of which are iconic pictures to Irish and black families. In fact, there is little difference between having this picture in a school and a picture of the Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr., or the Prophet, Mohammed. (Wait, you can't have a picture of the Prophet Mohammed, because the Muslims will get pissed off and burn down an embassy.) It is a picture of historic significance.
As a crass aside, Jesus probably didn't have as much sex as Kennedy, King, or Mohammed, so maybe that is the liberals' objection to the picture of Jesus. As a less crass aside, Jesus (last I checked) was Jewish, so what the hell problem do Jewish people have with a picture of a co-religionist on the wall. I mean if Senator Joe Lieberman (I-CT) had become our nations's vice president, his picture would have been hanging in government offices. Would the ACLU have a problem with that? Hmmm?
It is the most ubiquitous picture of the Christ in the world, and is, arguably, art. There were no signs that said, "Convert or Perish", "Jesus is Lord", or "Our Saviour." There was just a picture. And after thirty years, some asshat claimed that the picture violated the Establishment Clause of the US Constitution.
More amazing than that, they found some people who still think that the words "separation of church and state" appear anywhere in the Constitution.
Frankly, I would call the picture A Portrait of Jim Caviezel and call it a day.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
I would have thought that with Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) behind Rep. John Murtha (D-PA), he would have garnered more than 86 votes. But who knew that Democrat members of the House of Representative would care about a 26 year old transcript (from the ABSCAM Sting) in which Murtha said that he would consider taking a bribe later, or a man that served (honourably) saying that American soldiers could "...not win militarily in Iraq." In the end, the more deserving (and patriotic) man, Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD) won out in his quest to become the number two Democrat in the House.
This demonstrates, for the moment at least, that the Democrats are not as crazy as some of Murtha's statements would have led us to believe that they were. Of course, the battle over Iraq, and the American (and Coalition) presence there has now been joined by the Democrat Party.
Whether or not you disagree with the US presence in Iraq (and the broader Middle East), one must realise that a four-to-six month timetable for redeployment (read "surrender") is unrealistic, and suicidal, in light of the following:
Osama bin Laden had previously stated that America was a "Paper Tiger" and would cut and run once the American public grew weary of the war;
Iran continues their nuclear programme, with frequent claims that peace can only come to the Middle East once America and Israel are gone from the region (Israel, permanently);
The collapse of South Viet Nam once the Democrat-controlled Congress cut off funding to the Republic of South Viet Nam;
We are killing insurgents, terrorists, and other troublemakers in record numbers; and,
Our word to oppressed people will mean less than it already does (witness the hard feelings once the US abandoned the Kurds after the First Gulf War, and forget any change in Iran if we leave, not to mention the hard feelings in Israel, who will truly be left all alone in a very hostile region).
Additionally, one should not forget that Israel has atomic weapons, and would presumably use them against Iran, or any other invader, to preserve the Israeli state.
Also, I can not imagine the world today had the United States abdicated its moral responsibility in WWII, making peace with the Nazis, and leaving Hitler in power.
Q: What did Bambi's mother say as she walked out of the forest?
A: I'll never do that for two bucks again.
Assume, arguendo, that the animal is dead. Does sex with that animal rise to the level of a crime? Does anyone worry that this is not the first time that Bryan James Hathaway has been involved in animal love? Is anyone worried that a lawyer is making the argument that said relations were okay since the animal was dead?
I will never look at a bowl of venison chili the same way again.http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/1116061deer1.html
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
With the two most important college football games of the season coming up on Saturday (U of M at OSU and VT at WFU), I was jonesing for some information about the contests. Lo and behold, I saw a story on the Dead Schembechlers, four OSU fans dressed as Woody Allen...I mean Hayes, no less. [Ed. note: Same difference, except Woody Hayes, to my knowledge, never married his daughter.] I began researching these guys, and they are hilarious. Their first video, for wide release, is called "Bomb Ann Arbor Now" and it is fantastic. Think Atomic Cafe meets The Sex Pistols and you will have the general feeling of this production.
A few other thoughts by the Dead Schembechlers: OSU has won 102 of 102 meetings between the schools; (any other outcome was due to the fact that U of M toadies sprayed chemicals over the fans to make them believe that Michigan might have won the game); that Buckeye Football is the predominate force in the universe (they have T-Shirts that say "Michigan Stadium is Shit" on the back); the omnipotence of Woody Allen...Hayes...whatever; and, the fact that you can't spell "SCUM" without UM.
This, however, will be THE GAME.
And, immediately following this tilt, the Hokies roll into Groves Stadium (in beautiful Winston-Salem, North Carolina) to face the 14th ranked Demon Deacons of Wake Forest. Along with Rutgers, the performance of the Deacs is one of the great stories of the 2006 College Football season. Expect Riley Skinner to continue his success (Skinner leads the ACC in QB efficiency) as the Deacs build on their 30-0 blowout of the FSU Seminoles.
Oh, and Hail to the Victors!
Kofi Annan, the UN Secretary-General stated that climate change is as serious as WMD. Assuming, arguendo that this is true, then one need only look to the United Nations' swift response to questions of WMDs in Iran, Iraq and North Korea. Witness the UN's urgency to deal with these nations, and their WMD programmes.
Then, apply that to climate change.
In other words, don't do a fucking thing.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
and we are doomed to repeat our mistakes. Former Secretary of Defence, Donald Rumsfeld is being charged, in Germany, with war crimes.
The irony of this, from my perspective, is that Germany, a putative ally (and a country that knows a few things about war crimes) is allowing this nonsense. And if this Bravo Sierra fails in Germany, then the lawyers for eleven Iraqi detainees will take the show on the road, hitting France and Spain.
Now, one does not have to agree with Rumsfeld, and his policies, to know that this is a slap in the face to America. The war crimes--torturing detainees who would not break under interrogation--included sleep deprivation and a ban on praying.
One would think that Rumsfeld would have had to authorise seizing property, breaking mosque windows, and shipping Muslims off to camps via over-crowded railroad cars to rise to the level of war criminal. Hell, compared to previous war criminals, Rumsfeld is a piker. He didn't even set up any Rape Rooms (Saddam Hussein), imprison journalists (Fidel Castro), or kill homosexuals and women who had been raped (The Taliban). And more to the point, would the eleven detainees have had a free ride under Saddam Hussein, for instance? The Taliban? The Mad Mullahs of Iran? Really, has the Western World lost its collective mind?
We can all agree that Rumsfeld was a controversial figure, but he was doing a job that, for the most part, kept the body count low (consider the fact that many deaths were prevented due to the sleep deprivation and bans on prayer). As such, he should not be prosecuted because some idiot lawyer thinks that his client was wronged because he couldn't get his eight hours of sleep. The fact that the German judicial system is contemplating this action is dumbfounding.
Now, from where I sit, we should be charging the US Supreme Court (who have effectively banned prayer in school, at graduation ceremonies, and at sporting events) and new born children (because they cause their parents to be deprived of sleep) in Germany, as well.
So, to recap: Authorise sleep deprivation and ban prayer for detainees who want to kill Americans, bad. Ban prayer in schools and keep parents awake at night, good.
Following a similar thread, the Western World is poised to throw the democratic nation of Israel under the bus, for fear of offending the crazed Ahmadinejad.
Really, we are. The difference between the Domino Theory of the Cold War and the Domino Theory of today is that the Soviets were not likely to detonate any nuclear weapons for fear of reprisal. The Islamofacsists have no fear of reprisal, and have consistently indicated that the solution to their problems is the eradication of Israel, the destruction of the United States and the return of the Islamic Caliphate.
The culture of death that permeates Islam is palpable. And scary.
Rumsfeld and Israel are not the problems. President Bush and Prime Minister Blair are not the problems. Morons like Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) are not the problem. The German judicial system is not even the problem.
The issue is militant Islamofacsism that preaches death and destruction to all non-believers.
It is 1938 all over again. The difference this time is that we don't need to appease anyone. We know how it will turn out if we do.
The NCAA, in their effort to sanitise the sporting world, banned the use of the images of indians as mascots for their member schools. This proscription was effected because a white lefty, whose only connection to any indian nation was gambling at Foxwoods, took offense at the tradition of college athletes having images of proud warriors on their caps, helmets, or uniforms. (Think FSU's Chief Osceola, UND's Fighting Sioux, or CMU's Fighting Chippewa), calling them "hostile and abusive."
This was problematic for the University of North Dakota, whose mascot is the Fighting Sioux. This is, perhaps, one of the coolest mascots in all of college sports, right up there with Cocky (University of South Carolina's stylised fighting cock), Colonel Reb (the now unofficial mascot of Ole' Miss) and the Leprechaun (of Notre Dame). So, UND filed suit against the NCAA...and sanity prevailed.
Judge Lawrence Jahnke issued an injunction against the NCAA, which is not being appealed. This is good news, not only for UND, but for sanity in the war against political correctness, too.
The Judge has set the trial date for late April, after the college football and hockey seasons have ended. USCHO has covered the story, given UND's pre-eminence in college hockey.
One can only hope that, buoyed by this decision, other colleges will fight the NCAA's ban, and win. That Dartmouth and Stanford will return to the Indian (on hiatus since 1971 and 1972, respectively), and that Syracuse will regain the Saltine Warrior (on hiatus since 1978) as its mascot. [Alternatively, Dartmouth could go to "Keggy", which would be acceptable.]
Congratulations to UND for their victory, for fans of college sports, everywhere.
One call, $549.99 to my Visa Card, and I am all set. For the first time in history, my Christmas shopping is complete before Thanksgiving.
How, you ask, did I complete this Herculean task? Stars, baby. The picture proves it. I bought ten stars for my closest, most intimate friends. They will be so happy when they open the card, tucked lovingly under the tree, and see that I have spent my hard-earned money on the most thoughtful and enduring gifts ever.
What child's face wouldn't light up when he sees that a star, in some random galaxy (that he will never be able to visit) has been named for him?
Little Billy: "Santa brought me a Play Station III and ten new games. I was so amped."
Little Johnny: "You tool. I got a star named for me. My star is listed in the International Star Registry, and whenever I look up in the night sky, I can see it. I asked for a Play Station, too; but, this is way better. Come over to my house tonight and we can look at it."
Little Billy: [Beating Little Johnny senseless] "You...suck...and Santa Claus...hates you!"
Years later, when parked under the stars, with the Homecoming Queen, Little Johnny can point out his star.
Little Johnny: "There is my star. It is as bright and beautiful as you, my dear."
Little Debbie: [Beating Little Johnny senseless] "You...suck...and Santa Claus...hates you. And so do I. Take me home."
So, after Little Johnny rapes and kills, Little Debbie, and buries the body in a shallow grave by Lookout Point, you know that the next stop is...the dumbass who gave him the star.
No, seriously, what kind of a tool thinks that naming a star for someone they love is a good gift? It would be nicer, and more thoughtful to cut up some construction paper and magazines and give the person a picture to hang on the refrigerator, or to cull Epicurious for some recipies. But a star?
When I first heard the advertisement, I thought it was a joke, but sadly, it is not.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Proving once more why the police always get their man, a dumb ass pulls a gun on a guy wearing an NRA cap. Lumpy 1, Kane 0.
There are three indicators that the would-be robber was a complete moron. First, he pulled a .25 on a guy named Lumpy. One has to think that a guy with the name "Lumpy" does not suffer fools gladly because, at some point in his life, he got one too many wedgies and vowed, "Never again."
Second, Lumpy was wearing an NRA cap. This requires no further comment.
Third, he was trying to boost a Ford Focus.
Kane's sentence should include some form of sterilisation. America can't take anymore idiots.
HARVARD CRIMSON 13
In a game played using the severed head of UPenn president, Amy Gutman as a ball (which had been branded with a Nike Swoosh), the Quakers (which is, ironically, a peace-loving religion, entitled to Conscientious Objector status, and a religion that is completely banned in most Islamic countries) beat the Crimson.
The Islamic Student Association celebrated by detonating themselves in the Harvard student section, killing hundreds of innocents, and ensuring that the ISA would get to collect their allotment of 72 virgins apiece once they arrived in Paradise.
On a side note, the former Mullah of the ISA, Saad Saadi (the late Saad Saadi) was unavailable for comment. This may have something to do with the fact that he had previously blown himself up following a Halloween party at Penn President Amy Gutman's home.
Administrators at both Harvard and Penn praised diversity, and proclaimed that this was the best Ivy-League prank since the Yale Pep Club engineered a change in the cards handed out to Harvard students, so that the cards would spell out "We Suck!"
Reporting from Paradise, an ISA representative stated that he was excited that he would finally be able to get laid.
In Broward County, Florida, election workers claim to have seen this stamp, which is worth somewhere north of $150,000.00, affixed to an absentee ballot (which was disqualified because the absentee voter failed to include identification, as is required when voting absentee in Florida).
The offending voter, who wasted their vote, and c.$150,000.00, is a complete and utter moron. Perhaps someone who couldn't figure out the infamous butterfly ballot in 2000? Hmmm?
Voter: "But I wanted to vote for ALGORE. I think I voted for Pat Buchanan by mistake. I have been disenfranchised."
Election Worker: "If you aren't smart enough to read the ballot, then you are not smart enough to vote. And I doubt you know what disenfranchised even means, you dumbass. Why don't you vote absentee next time. That way you can spend hours looking at the ballot before you stuff it into an envelope and mail it using an incredibly rare and expensive stamp that you have tucked away in your dead husband's stamp collection."
Voter: "Okay. Can I have some soup?"
Saturday, November 11, 2006
"HEY, BRENT! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Wake Forest rolled into Tallahassee for the Saturday Night Game of the Week on ESPN on ABC, the 7 point dog against the Florida State Seminoles. This was the first time that the Demon Deacons were ranked higher (18) than Florida State (?) since...forever; and, the Deacs were looking to go 9-1 against a bigger, faster, better loved team. I say better loved because Brent Musberger was doing the call of the game, and judging by his praise of Coach Bobby Bowden, one could only conclude that immediately following the game, they were going to be Massachusetts-bound so that these two lovebirds could get married to each other. Or, at the very least, to head out to the Tallahassee Hilton for a little spooning.
It took approximately three and a half quarters (and 30 unanswered points) for Brent to admit that Wake Forest was, on November 11, 2006, the better team. So much better that they shut FSU out for the first time in 232 games. So much better that the FSU fans were pleading for a safety, and relief from the shut out. So much better that Bobby Bowden couldn't find a quarterback or a play that would make a difference in Wake Forest's dominance of the Seminoles.
Now mind you, I made two predictions for this game last week (trust me, or I can show you the proof). One was for the Wake Forest victory over the Seminoles (I called it 21-20, Wake) and one was for Bowden to lose his job as a result of the humilation for being beaten by the third-smallest school in NCAA Division I (only Rice and Tulsa are smaller).
But Bowden was gracious in defeat, and my annoyance with him was superceded by my annoyance with Brent Musberger. He is, quite possibly, the worst football announcer ever (and the third worst sports announcer, overall).
I am happy for the win. Now, I have decided that Brent Musberger (and his biased, sloppy announcing) must go.
Oh, and since Wake got the win, let's have a little bit of the alma mater:
Thursday, November 09, 2006
A British guy shoved a firecracker up his butty and lit it, in celebration of Guy Fawkes Day. That is all. I can not even think of what to say about the galactically stupid behaviour of this asshole. Actually, it is kind of funny, in a morbid, bottle- rocket-shot-out-of-your-ass sort of way. One of those things that sounded like a good idea, once, for about 15 seconds. One of those things that, following a lot of tequila, seems like a great thing to videotape. One of those things that, in the morning, leaves you with a terrible hangover and third-degree burns in your poopchute. Nice.
I received an e-mail that said: "what r u doing this weekend? i m going to see the Borat movie. LOL"*
First of all, the Borat movie may be pants-pissingly funny, but there is no place for "LOL" in that sentence. You are "laughing out loud" at the thought of going to the movie? Or, are you saying "Lots of Luck that I will find someone who is not put off by the ravings of my cat-sized brain"?
Second, punctuation, spelling and capitalization. I realise that a new day is dawning in America, when the House of Representatives is in the "...hands of America's children" (wait, does Speaker-elect Pelosi mean that the Democrats are children?), but does this mean that punctuation, spelling and capitalization have been banned?
Third, why does someone feel obliged to tell me that they are laughing out loud? Like I care.
In the future, I refuse to answer any e-mail that has "LOL" in the text. Instead, the e-mail will be posted here, on this site.
*I made up the e-mail content, but not the part of posting new e-mail with "LOL" in the text.
(or, "Together, we can...)
The City of Cambridge really wants to ban leaf blowers. The City put together a task force (as if this was the Invasion of Europe or some flesh-eating disease), and is looking into the situation. This question has come up in California, as well as in other well-heeled communities on the Coasts. The internal combustion powered leaf blowers are loud, kick up dust and debris, and are contributing to the ozone hole and Global Warming. They keep thousands of otherwise motivated undocumented workers firmly ensconced on the welfare rolls (since they are wonderful labour-saving devices). If we could only ban the leaf blower, there would be more menial, minimum wage jobs for illegal aliens who just want to work!
Which is a perfect segue to one of my favourite tasteless jokes:
Q: What were the last words heard at The Alamo?
A: Look at all those fucking gardeners.
Milton Himmelfarb once said that "Jews earn like Episcopalians and vote like Puerto Ricans." This appears to be the case today, given that both the Hispanic vote and the Jewish vote went to the Democrats. This has caused a great deal of concern in the nation of Israel, the longest-surviving democracy in the broader Middle East, a country reliant on American arms sales and financial support, and a country now within range of Iranian ballistic missiles.
Senator Joseph Lieberman (I-CT) was thrown under the bus by his party, who supported the anti-war candidate, Ned Lamont. Lieberman remains the only outspoken non-Republican in the Congress who supports the American military and their work in Iraq. Lieberman understands that a strong Israel is dependent upon a commitment from the United States to tame the Iraqi insurgency, by armed force, if necessary, and to continue the task until Iraq is able to defend itself, or until all of the insurgents are lined up outside of the gates of Paradise, waiting for their virgins (or Virginians).
As an aside, wouldn't it be ironic if Muslim Paradise was like a giant kosher deli, where the soul has to take a number, then wait, then order his virgins.
Butcher/God: "Number Thirteen!"
Ahmed: "Yes, I have number thirteen. I would be pleased to have 42 blondes, 21 brunettes, 3 red heads, and the rest, blacks and...(whispering) Asians."
B/G: "Do you want them thick, or thin?"
Ahmed: "Thin please. Oh, and could I have a slice of cheese for my son, Osama? He was with me when the car blew up."
Anyway, the Israeli people have a reason to be worried, I think; but, only time will tell. A lot depends upon the Democrat commitment to our troops, and to the mission in the Middle East.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
So the way this goes down, the two officers are blowing a fatty, when one of them says, "Hey, we have drug tests coming up this week." The other says, "Holy cow!"
Since they now have the munchies, they hit on the perfect solution to their dilemma. They reach into their stash of "evidence" and sprinkle a little bit on their Whoppers, then ingest them.
All of a sudden, they feel a little woozy. They rush to the hospital, and explain that the pimply faced fry cook slipped them a little green in their tasty burgers.
Apparently no one thought to inquire whether or not it was plausible that Burger King was handing out roach clips and bongs in their Whopper Extra Value Meals.
and sent body parts flying. When the dust had settled, and the smoke had cleared, 43 people were dead or dying. Since the polling place was at a school, it was obvious that the location of the car bomb was designed for maximum killing effect. Deval Patrick supporters claimed that the bomb was set off to demonstrate that Kerry Healey, the Republican candidate for Governor of Massachusetts, had bungled the mission in Massachusetts and had no plan for the future. Patrick said that if he was elected, he would redeploy police to an island (Rhode, perhaps) to better meet the threat of an ever-changing world.
Picking through the wreckage of mangled steel and charred flesh, I felt violated. I was no longer safe in my own bucolic community in the suburbs of Boston.
Unfortunately, the cameras were not rolling, and the chattering skulls were silent. Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Chivas Regal) opined that the prisons of the Commonwealth had been re-opened under Republican rule. He then ordered another cocktail and drove off to his next photo-op.
Senator John Kerry (D-My Wife is Richer than Yours) said that if you studied hard, you would get a good job, but if you didn't you would end up in the suburbs, which are more dangerous than Baghdad. He later claimed that he was merely joking, and that what he really meant to say was that if you had voted for Deval Patrick 37 years ago, then Massachusetts would have a tropical climate. Kerry could not be reached for comment because his cell phone does not work while he is kite surfing in Tierra del Fuego.
In other suburbs in America, sectarian violence has marred what would have been a peaceful election day if only the Democrats controlled all 435 seats in the House and all 100 seats in the Senate. And if Al Gore had only won in Florida, where he was cheated out of the election by the Republican party (and Halliburton), then there would be no Global Warming, no poverty, and no guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens.
Said one resident in the suburbs of Philadelphia, "I was only able to vote four times before someone asked me for my license and proof of residence. All of this violence is making me scared to vote, as is my Constitutional right." A suicide bomber, identified as a University of Pennsylvania student, Mahdi Mahdi, screamed "I am voting for Bob Casey!" before shedding his mortal coil.
The uptick in suburban violence was deemed to be yet another example of how the Republicans have let Americans down.
I think that this is the greatest idea to come down the pike since beheading. (Sorry, CSI: Miami reference.) So, this guy now has to wear a T-Shirt that says something along the lines of "I Am A Child Molester." No, we are not talking about R. Kelly's new line of clothing, we are talking a judge making a child molester wear the 21st Century equivalent of the Scarlet Letter.
As an aside, don't you think that Nathaniel Hawthorne could write a great novel based on this story?
I believe that the T-Shirts should have the "Child Molester" tag, along with pictures of smurfs, Disney characters, and other popular icons. This will insure that children see the shirt, and pay attention to it.
"Billy, when you go to the park, stay away from any adult wearing a Sponge Bob T-Shirt."
Wait, if you are an adult, wearing a Sponge Bob T-Shirt, you might already be a child molester, and therefore do not need any writing on the shirt to further identify you to your potential victims.
Kudos to the judge. Oh, and if I were this guy's lawyer, I wouldn't be available for comment, either.
Monday, November 06, 2006
I read somewhere that Democrats had been told by Republicans that due to high voter turnout in the 2006 Midterm Elections, Republicans would vote on Tuesday and Democrats would vote on Wednesday.
I have two thoughts about this:
First, it probably is true. Some clever Republican probably said, "Hey, what the hell. Let's see if it works as a means of suppressing the idiot vote." It may be viewed as mean spirited, racist, or otherwise discriminatory. But I have to think that the guy who said it probably didn't think that anyone would believe this nonsense, given that the day, the first Tuesday in November, is so ingrained in American teaching (like April 15th, for taxes).
Second, if someone actually believed this, and showed up at their polling place on Wednesday, I would suggest that they are not only too stupid to vote, they should be taken, immediately, for sterilization, because they are too stupid to reproduce. (Their spawn would just be on welfare, anyway.)
So, to recap. Republicans vote Tuesday. Democrats vote Wednesday.* You can't complain if you don't vote.
*If you believe this, jump in front of a bus, train, or go for a ride in Senator Kennedy's car.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
University of Pennsylvania president, Amy Gutman (who is Jewish, and a complete fucking idiot) gets married, converted, and (presumably beheaded) at a Halloween party at her residence.
The student, Saad Saadi (majoring in Irony) posed with President Gutman just before he went to blow himself up at a nearby Hebrew School. Said Gutmann just before her head was sawn off with a dull kitchen knife, "Praise Allah for letting me see the error of my ways. At least I can die knowing that I will get out of this awful country that tortures the Muslim faithful and kills innocent Iraqis. (gurgle)" [At this point, her husband held her head high, screamed "Allah akbar!" and emptied his AK-47 into the ceiling of the late president's home.]
Saadi then detonated his explosive belt (made using UPenn funds, no less), sending shards of metal and flesh into a roomful of innocent children studying the Torah.
He claimed that he was looking forward to the 72 virgins that he would receive in Paradise.
Seriously, what the fuck is Gutman thinking? I doubt she would be all smiles with someone dressed as Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV), wearing the flowing Klan robes and hat; or with someone in blackface; or someone dressed as Hitler; or, with someone dressed as a US soldier. In fact, there would be some Hate Crime punishment handed down by Gutman and the university. But a suicide bomber, that's just swell. In fact, Gutman should step down as president. Saadi should be punished (or expelled).
First Amendment, yes. Tasteless, definitely. Fucking moron, absolutely.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Boston College: 14
For the first time since 1944, the Wake Forest University football team goes to 8-1. They are certain to move into the Top Twenty, and BC is sure to have fallen out of the rankings following the loss, in Winston-Salem.
I note three things:
First, there were empty seats in Groves Stadium, which is amazing given the fact that this was a clash of two ACC powerhouses, duking it out for a chance to play for the ACC Championship;
Second, the ESPN 2 announcers could not have possibly been more pro-BC (unless they had sung the BC Fight Song following the two BC touchdowns); and ,
Third, my living room may have been the only place in the entire Free World where someone was shouting, "Fuck 'em up, fuck 'em up, BC sucks!"
Oh, and a fourth. Does anyone (other than me) think that the new BC logo (shown above) looks like a dick (with eyes and a beak)? Now, the Demon Deacon, there is a mascot!
And since it is a Wake victory, it's only fitting we get the Wake Fight Song:
O Here's to Wake Forest
1. O here's to Wake Forest
A glass of the finest
Red ruddy, Rhenish filled up to the brim.
Her sons they are many
Unrivaled by any
With hearts o'erflowing, we will sing a hymn.
Rah! Rah! Wake Forest Rah!
Old Alma Mater's sons are we.
We'll herald the story
And die for her glory,
Old Gold and Black is ever waving high.
2. As frosh we adore her
As sophs we explore her
And carve our names upon her ancient walls.
As juniors patrol her
As seniors extol her
And weep to leave fore'er her sacred halls.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Senator John Kerry is a fucktard. Look it up.
Thank God he apologised to all of us who weren't smart enough to understand his joke, (in which he omitted all of the important words). If you aren't smart enough to tell a joke to a crowd of college students, you are not smart enough to be a barrista at Starbucks, let alone POTUS. Of course, Long (Face) John ain't all that smart. His grades at Yale were worse than those of President George W. Bush (which might explain why he ended up in Vietnam and President Bush ended up in the Texas Air National Guard, flying F-102s).
The thought police have not gotten to this one, yet.
This one, on the other hand, has been changed.
Apparently, someone took offense at Maria feeling "...pretty, and witty and gay." Now, she feels "...pretty, and witty and bright."
This is an outrage. Political correctness should never dictate how the past is reported or portrayed. It doesn't undo what happened, and it makes us all look like we haven't the fortitude to accept things that make us feel uncomfortable.
In the past, "gay" meant something very different.
I understand that the meaning of words can change. History, and its reporting, however, should not change.
That is why I was so outraged at the FDR Memorial in Washington, D.C.. It was okay to portray FDR in a wheelchair (FDR was afflicted with polio, and he often used a wheelchair or braces, but only did so privately, for fear of appearing weak), but not with his cigarette holder. For the record, FDR was seen many more times with a cigarette holder than using a wheelchair.
Likewise, the Postal Service has airbrushed out cigarettes on stamps, and some movies have had the World Trade Center's twin towers removed.
Until someone builds a time machine, don't fuck with the past. If we do, we might just have a rough go of it in the future.