Monday, April 30, 2007

Breck Girl
In an effort to peel off Mitt Romney's prospective LDS voters, former North Carolina Senator John Edwards used the LDS key-phrase, "With every fibre of my being" at the California Democrat State Convention. Mormons everywhere recognise this phrase, and are, with the exception of Edwards, the only people that I have heard use it. I understand that Edwards celebrated his rousing speech by reading the Book of Mormon and eating red Jell-o.
Mitt Romney recoiled, saying, "Dangit, that's my line."
In other news, Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) spoke in her usual shrill and grating voice, not her condescending and annoying Southern accent (which is reserved for black and Southern audiences). Shivers went down my spine as Senator Clinton's fingernails-on-chalkboard utterings were broadcast through my car's speakers.
Everyone is courting California voters, because an early win in the California Primary would catapult the victor to the top of the heap in the race for the Democrat nomination for the 2008 election.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Fucking Idiot

There are a handful of American cities, called "Sanctuary Cities", where the city government has instructed the local constabulary to ignore, or outright violate, federal immigration laws.

One of those cities--Phoenix, Arizona--has a mayor called Phil Gordon (D), who has endorsed the city's sanctuary policy. He spouts the party line: "We need illegal immigrants to do the work that Americans won't do (in spite of the fact that their presence puts downward pressure on wages for legal workers, and severely taxes our social safety net)."

And while I think Mayor Gordon is a fuckwit for adopting such a policy, the fact that he appeared on the O'Reilly Factor (with Bill O'Reilly) and said "irregardless" is what drives me bugfuck crazy.

So, LotJP awards Mayor Phil Gordon the prestigious Fuckwit of the Week Award. Kudos, Phil, for making anyone who heard you on Fox News dumber.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

No, this is not the punchline to a bad joke (And the rabbi says, 'It's a hell of a lot better than a ham sandwich, isn't it?'), it is life in PC America.
Dateline: Lewiston, Maine...
One student suspended, with more disciplinary action on tap for putting a bag, with a ham sandwich in it, on a table where Somali students were eating lunch.
Because Muslims consider pork unclean, they took great offence at this possible hate crime.
The Center for Prevention of Hate Violence (?!?) is working with the school to create a response plan.
I've got your response plan, right here.
The response is that you do nothing about it. Don't create a new class of victims. Teach these kids (all of them) that this is a big, mean world, and that people (even of the same race, creed, colour or religion) are different. In other words, ignore it.
Surely, the Somali students are contacting their lawyers, and will sue the Lewiston School District, and the offender, for millions. Lewiston, not wanting to be seen as intolerant, will settle out of court, prosecute the offender, and do a bunch of other stuff to further limit our freedom of expression (and by extension, our freedom to be assholes).
Would this story have made the news if the offended students were Jewish? Doubtful.
Maybe if everyone would just shut their traps and share a ham sandwich, things would be a whole lot better.
This also begs the question: Isn't hate crime a bit strong for a ham sandwich. Now, flying airplanes into buildings, killing nearly 3,000 innocents. That's a hate crime. Blowing up a wedding in Jerusalem. Hate crime. Killing your co-religionists because they believe that Mohammed was...whatever the difference between Sunnis and Shiites is. Hate crime. Sending suicide bombers to kill innocent civilians. Hate crime. Blowing up trains in Spain because Spain was part of the coalition that toppled Saddam. HATE FUCKING CRIME!
It was a fucking ham sandwich. Not hate.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Happy Effin' Earth Day!

A Republican President--Richard Nixon, no less--started Earth Day (and the EPA).


Saturday, April 21, 2007


Operator Mechanic Arthur Batchelor, shit-faced, no less, made a complete mockery of pretty much everyone serving Her Majesty Elizabeth II, Queen of England. In a nightclub, in Plymouth, England, this shitwad re-enacted his treatment at the hands of the Iranians who held he, and his shipmates, hostage.

What an insensitive prick.

He is returning to his ship, HMS Cornwall, next week, where he will be beaten senseless, then keel-hauled.

American Idle

To paraphrase Hedley Lamarr (portrayed wonderfully by Harvey Korman, in Blazing Saddles), American Idol is the popular reality show watched by nimrods, numb-nuts, dim bulbs, dimwits, half-wits, fuck-wits, shit-wits, asshats, assbags, assholes, asswads, shitwads, fuckwads, retards, fucktards, shit-kickers, ass-lickers, and Episcopalians...and me, once or twice (but only when I want to watch a washed-up, liquored-up, pop star, a barely literate black guy, and a laser-tongued Englishman).

The point, Sanjaya Malakar has left the building.

But, no doubt, he'll be back.

Bring me the ice pick to stick in my ears.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Rest In Peace

NBC received a package from the murderer, then promptly used the images and ravings of the killer as a ratings-booster.

Virginia Tech students and faculty were not amused.

I will never mention the name of the killer, nor will I contribute to extending his fifteen minutes of fame (or infamy, as the case may be).

Instead, I ask and encourage all of the folks who swim in the Jury Pool to pray for the families and friends of those who lost their lives so tragically.

Porsche Gayman

The results are in!

The Porsche Cayman is the gayest car on the road.

I never realised that a car could be gay; but, I am very open minded about this kind of thing. Of course, I will never buy a Porsche Cayman. Not now, not ever.

As an aside, I assume that the Cayman S is the model for subs.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


I just heard someone compare the comments of Don Imus to the violence done at Virginia Tech.

Not in a million years.

That is just as stupid as comparing Don Rumsfeld to Adolf Hitler. Wait, Joy Behar did that.

No, just plain stupid.

What a fuckwit.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Shoot Me Now!

Don Imus uses a few words, meant as a joke, and gets fired. The rap group, Crime Mob uses the word "nigger" one hundred times in a song, on the campus of a predominately black university (South Carolina State University), and gets applause.

I am guessing that this might have something to do with the fact that, as SCSU student, Kendra Johnson noted, the rappers "...may be out of line, but they don't mean no harm." No, like Imus, they are fucking idiots, too. They just profit from a huge double standard.

Crime Mob is famous for their 2004 hits, "Fuck Nigga" and "Knuck if you Buck." Yep, these guys are classy dudes. Hard working lads who don't mean no harm.

Now forgive me for my lack of understanding of the whole Black Thang; but, I am pretty sure that I would be chalking up Imus's comments to being the ramblings of a cocaine-addled redneck. On the other hand, if I heard this (from "Fuck Nigga"):

Ol' stankin ass (Hoe) /Jank ass (Hoe)/Suck my dick you (Hoe) /Ol' fat ass (Hoe)/But aiight! /We finna get these lame ass niggaz/You see a hoe ass nigga, call his ass out./ Aye! Aye!

I might be a bit put out.

Oh, wait, they don't mean no harm.

So, why don't we run out and buy their albums, see their concerts, applaud diversity, because, as Student Body President, Deven Anderson said, "Being they are a performing artist group they're merely here to entertain us. That's nothing serious in content, they're here to entertain."

Sort of like...oh...Imus?


Mainly because I never hired myself out as a stripper/escort.

However, there was that one time, in law school, when a friend of mine called me at the eleventh hour to come to her sister's bachelorette party, to be the entertainment.

Now, I don't consider myself to be the kind of guy that women would want to look at fully clothed, let alone in my birthday suit. But, she was a friend, and I didn't want to let her down, so I gathered together the tools of the trade: a boombox, some hip-grinding music, a can of shaving cream and a razor, and a bottle of Jack Daniels. I lathered up in the shower, and went to shave my body, then I got cold feet.

Me: "Um, Tracy, do you care if I have body hair?"

Tracy: "Uh, no. Just that you take of your clothes for us."

Me: "Wait, all of my clothes?"

Tracy: "Why else did you think I asked you to come the the party. You've got to get nekkid."

Me: "Oh."

So, I went out, immediately, and bought another bottle of Jack Daniels, the better to help me through what was surely going to be an embarrassing and psyche-wrecking experience, where my narrow white ass was going to be the object of desire of twenty liquored up ladies (who obviously didn't understand the way things worked since they were calling me and not some buffed-up, outrageously tanned pro).

I arrived at the appointed hour, with a little Jack in my system.

Me: "Tracy, what about my, um, package?"

Tracy: "Just stuff a potato in your sling."

Me: "Okay."

I started the music, began the slow, painful process of disrobing. I felt like such a piece of meat as the women hooted and hollered, pawing me as I removed my clothes one piece at a time.

I started to get into the routine, though, and soon, I was driving the women crazy.

Then, as I got down to my sling, the women started wretching and gagging, a few threw up.

I stopped, realising that this was a bad idea.

Then, I heard Tracy's voice...

"No, you asshole, the potato is supposed to go in front of your sling."

Saturday, April 14, 2007


I finally watched Casino Royale last night. Unbelievable. It is, without question, one of the three greatest Bond films made (along with From Russia With Love and On Her Majesty's Secret Service). And, Daniel Craig is, without question, the most realistic Bond ever. He captures the true essence of Ian Fleming's Commander Bond, a man who gets the job done with his wit, charm and force of will. No gadgets, no bullshit, just one bad ass motherfucker.

Now don't get me wrong, Sean Connery is still, in my heart of hearts, my favourite Bond; but, his portrayal of James Bond was reliant on sex appeal and toys. Plus, Bond was not Scottish. Then, there was George Lazenby, the Australian Bond, who didn't want to sign a long-term deal because he thought that the Bond movies were a dead-end street. Roger Moore (the English Bond) was good, Pierce Brosnan (the Irish Bond) and Timothy Dalton (the Welsh Bond) acceptable; but, Daniel Craig...bad ass motherfucker.

Casino Royale allows a look into the psyche of Bond, and what makes him tick. In past Bond films, the Commander would have opened the car door for the woman he was going to bed. Craig lets the woman open her own door. In the past, Bond would have had sex with the woman before rushing off to Miami to chase the bad guy and save the world. In Casino Royale, Bond orders champagne and Beluga caviar for one, then leaves her behind. Not so much "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" as "when I get back, if you aren't tortured and dead, I am going to rock your world."

Craig's Bond is still cool. He drives an Aston Martin, he carries a real weapon (Walther PPKs are for sissies), he plays poker, and the chicks dig him. He is in shape, doesn't smoke, and is very stylish. The only knock is that he shaves his chest. Bond is not metrosexual.

As an aside, I note that Judi Dench, as M, gives an amazing portrayal, again, as a tough, strong woman. I also note, for the record, that if Britain had people like her in the government, and Bond in the Royal Navy, the 15 British tools would not have been taken by the Iranians, they would have fought back, killing all of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Navy personnel, sinking their boats, and defiling their remains with 20kg of pork products.

The Casino Royale story is plausible, the action believable. The movie is outstanding. So outstanding, in fact, that I am watching it again as I write this post.

See this film. We at the Jury Pool give it five life rings out of five.

Friday, April 13, 2007


I am getting killed in the three Fantasy Baseball Leagues in which I participate. I am DFL (Dead Fucking Last) in two of them, in third place in the other. The DFLs are, largely, a consequence of the fact that my teams in those two leagues are top-heavy with members of the Cleveland Indians (Travis Hafner) and Seattle Mariners (Ichiro, Kenji Johjima), whose opening series, in Cleveland, was postponed due to sixteen fucking inches of snow on the field at The Jake.

Snow in April, and it is slated to be the coldest April in recorded history, nationwide.

As for me, I am sitting inside on this icy April 13th, looking at snow on my grass. On April 13th.

Now, I realise that weather in New England is mercurial, at best, (If you don't like the weather in Boston, just wait a minute) and I don't have a real problem with snow, but I think that it is disingenuous of Global Climate Change proponents to call anything involving weather changes as Global Warming.

As an aside, the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS), in a 5-4 ruling, as decreed that carbon dioxide emissions contributes to global warming. You know, like you get when you exhale.

If the politicians would just shut the fuck up, we might have less carbon dioxide; and, therefore, less global warming.

Please, oh please, shut up.

Oh, and say a prayer that Ichiro, Johjima and Hafner will go on a tear of Hall of Fame intensity, so that I can get out of the cellar in my Fantasy Baseball Leagues.

Thursday, April 12, 2007


Don Imus got canned for saying something that would have been lost in the noise, if it weren't for the mainstream media making it a federal case. In fact, Don Imus's twelve listeners were the only people that knew that he offended the Rutgers women's' basketball team, until the press got hold of the transcript.

As the storm built, Imus went to the crib of the biggest race pimp in America, the Reverend Al Sharpton. When his apology was deemed a bit too insincere, CBS suspended Imus for two weeks (beginning not immediately, but after he finished his radiothon for the Imus Ranch); and, MSNBC bowed to pressure from their advertisers (and their two viewers) and cancelled his simulcast.

Subsequently, Imus was fired by CBS for his supposedly racist comment. As of this writing, the Reverends Sharpton and Jackson have still not apologised for referring to Jews as the devil, New York as "Hymietown", the Duke lacrosse players as rapists, and white folks as the bane of Western Civilisation. (Okay, the last one is untrue, but the first three are not.)

This raises an interesting question: What is acceptable for an on-air personality to say on the public airwaves?

I note three things:

First, the Rutgers basketball team are public figures, by virtue of their appearance in the Women's' NCAA Championship. Given that fact, without malice, there is little chance that a defamation case would succeed. As anyone who has listened to Imus knows, his show is meant to be funny (as evidenced by the fact that he gives airtime to Senators Biden, Kerry and McCain). His comments were a poor attempt at humour, and that should have been the end of it. In fact, the Rutgers Five (or ten, or twelve, or how ever many there are) indicated that their first reaction, not having heard Imus make his comment, was to let it go. Instead, they changed their position, and expressed outrage. I also note that had Fifty Cent or Snoop Dogg made the comment in a rap song, they'd be basking in the light reflected from their gold (or platinum) record.

Second, the firing of Don Imus, by a bunch of self-loathing white guys, may have been a business decision. It may have been a result of intense pressure from advertisers. It may have been because they have no balls. (I vote for number three.) This decision will have a chilling effect on free speech. The next step is to ban political speech, such as comments that global warming is based on bullshit science, that Democrats hate America, or that Democrats want to raise taxes and buy votes with social programmes. This is prior restraint of the worst type, and it will soon spread to the print media and television. We will be left with a steady diet of Alan Colmes (without Sean Hannity), Keith Olberman, and Joe Morgan (who should be fired immediately).

Third, it punctuates the double standard in America. Imus makes a comment about blacks, he gets fired. He calls someone a "dick-nosed, beanie-wearing Jewboy", he gets laughs.

Blacks and democrats can do no wrong. Republicans (and Don Imus) can do no right. This year, when Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) went to Selma, Alabama and did her speech in her best Amos and Andy voice, she got kudos for connecting with her audience. Not one media outlet commented on how condescending and patronising this was. Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) talked about "niggers and white niggers" and was ignored. President William Jefferson Clinton lied about black churches being burned and was anointed the "First Black President of the United States." President Lyndon B. Johnson would not have gotten Civil Rights legislation passed without Republicans (yet blacks vote for Democrats exclusively, because they have succumbed to the soft bigotry of low expectations). Mayor Marion Barry said that there was "no way that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican" and got re-elected after being caught smoking crack with a hooker. Senator Trent Lott (R-MS) lost his leadership role when he spoke positively about the late Senator Strom Thurmond (R-SC) (who, interestingly enough, was a Democrat, a Dixiecrat, and a Republican; and, a man who did a lot for the blacks in South Carolina).

The bottom line, we are sliding down the slope, and the landing will not be very soft. The limitations on speech are growing, and the pressure is not coming from the so-called Religious Right, but from the Left.

Again, Imus made a joke. A really bad joke (but then again, most of his attempts at humour fail). He shouldn't lose his job, or be suspended. Instead, he (and his employers) should have weathered the storm. Like Katrina, it would have blown itself out (no doubt leaving damage), and the rebuilding could have begun. Instead, Imus is now on the dole and Americans have seen their First Amendment rights restricted. It also proves that most white Americans are afraid of black folks.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Jock Stirrup

Presumably, a man called Jock Stirrup would have fought the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Navy.

Unfortunately, First Sea Lord, Admiral Sir Alan West would not. The rules of engagement were "de-escalatory", which set the table for surrender by the fifteen British tools. This is not unlike previous commanders who didn't want to engage the enemy for fear of losing ships/planes/tanks.

Instead, these Britons acted like the French, and surrendered. Then, they talked.

Even though I think Senator John McCain (R-AZ) has a wrong-headed approach to the war, at least I know that he didn't give up the ship when he was a guest at the Hanoi Hilton. In spite of torture (real torture, not being forced to listen to The Red Hot Chili Peppers), McCain, and others like him, held their tongues, even tried to escape their captors. These guys appeared on TV, and are now set to make money from selling their stories.

Apparently, the United Kingdom has become a wholly-owned subsidiary of the cheese-eating surrender monkeys (a/k/a, The French). Even the United States Navy has been critical of their brethren, acknowledging that they would have fought back.

The stakes are higher now. I could, grudgingly accept that the captain of the USS Cole didn't light up Aden after the cowardly attack by terrorists. But, now, we have men and women in harm's way, fighting the Islamic hordes, and to give up is, well, a shock.

So, to the British people who were let down by the behaviour of the fifteen tools, "I am sorry." To the rest of the British people, who have apparently become French, "Fuck you!"

Saturday, April 07, 2007


In World War I, when the Brits were confronted by overwhelming German military might (and French troops offering, the Brits dug in (literally) and hung on for dear life, grinding, parrying, thrusting, until the cavalry (in the form of Bad Ass Black Jack Pershing) arrived. The Tommies never lost faith, and they fought and died to defeat the Hun.

In World War II, when the Brits were confronted by overwhelming Nazi military might, the Brits, lifted by Prime Minister, Winston Churchill's courage and resolve, the Brits escaped from Dunkirk, won the Battle of Britain, and hung on long enough for the cavalry (in the form of Bad Ass General George Patton and Super Bad Ass General Dwight David Eisenhower) to arrive. Once more, the French (for the Brits) and the Italians (for the Hun) were completely ineffectual militarily (although Italian military uniforms were pretty spectacular looking). The Tommies helped to crush the Axis, and got an assist in the Saving Western Civilisation column.

When a South American nation, Argentina, fucked with Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, taking some islands populated by sheep and penguins, the Royal Navy steamed ten thousand miles, shot down a bunch of Argentinian air superiority fighters with attack aircraft (granted, the Argies were flying French planes, but it was still pretty amazing), sunk a ship or two, and restored the faith of the world in the British Bulldog.

When a smelly, goat-fucking group of Iranian Revolutionary Guard Navy (what kind of a name is that?) menaced the Royal Navy in 2007, the Royal Navy...surrendered. Not wanting to start a diplomatic incident, these pussies starred in one. Instead of hosing the towel heads down with Willie Pete, they had tea and crumpets, apologised for being in Iranian waters (when they were not) and took goody bags home with them. They probably also bought teddy bears and candy for their loved ones back at home.

It amazes me that there is such an uproar about the treatment of terrorists (read, enemy combatants) by the West. These are folks not entitled to protection under the Geneva Conventions, and yet, we have to treat them if they were uniformed soldiers fighting under the flag of a specific signatory nation. When they kidnap personnel entitled to the protections of the Geneva Convention, and provide none of them, the response from the West should not be sunshine and puppies, it should be six and a half tonnes of fire and steel, delivered on-time, on-target, rain or shine.

Instead, people like Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) and Rosie O'Donnell demand that the US (and UK) treat these animals like we wish to be treated. Yeah, that worked out well for McCain back in the Hanoi Hilton.

And, the cavalry arrived, in the form of a US Carrier Battle Group. Hell, Iran could be a smouldering ruin right now, if we were willing to walk the walk.

But, instead, we let an ass load of Neville Chamberlains, George McGoverns, and John Kerrys (I voted for the war before I voted against the war; but, well after I threw someone else's medals over the fence; and, after I married a really rich widow) make military decisions.

It amazes me that these guys (and girl) went docilely into custody, like lambs to the slaughter. They are trained, they could have fought back. At the very least, they could have not allowed themselves to be tools. And back at home, the Brits, in the main, say that these guys did the right thing. No wonder the Islamofascists are emboldened.

Everyone is afraid to stand up to this douche bag, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad when he does not have nuclear weapons. What are they going to do when he does?

Friday, April 06, 2007

Hiding Out

On my recent drive to and from Florida, a distance of about three thousand miles, I had occasion to stop at various and sundry rest areas along my route. These stops, on the return leg, became more frequent as a consequence of a nasty stomach virus, which required the use of

As I prefer to stop, and find the nicest hotel, the use of a rest area toilet was a shock to my delicate system (and my sensibilities).

I learned three things--universal truths of rest areas--which, gentle readers, I will share.

First, the American rest stop (or state Welcome Centre) is the territory of the rapist, retard, child molester, disaffected non-custodial parent (with stolen children in tow) and Canadian. Were I not doubled over with stomach pain, I could have set up shop and conducted a sociology experiment, which (no doubt) could have earned me fame and fortune, as well as a Nobel Prize. After all, if Al Gore can get nominated for a work of fiction, then think what a true scientific study would get me.

Second, the southernmost rest areas and welcome stations had the cleanest toilets. Don't ask me why. Perhaps, it is the fact that Southerners have a clear understanding of civility that is absent in northern climes. Without a doubt, I would return to the Georgia Welcome Center (Sonny Perdue, Governor) in a heartbeat. The loos on the New Jersey Turnpike rest areas (which have names like "Clara Barton" and "Vince Lombardi"), on the other hand, were a bit dodgy. And, I swear, I am pretty sure that I saw two pairs of shoes (and two pairs of legs) in one of the stalls.

Finally, I note that I really only had Two Universal Truths about rest areas.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Sunday, April 01, 2007


I am presently in Panama City, Florida, the self-proclaimed "Spring Break Capital of the World."

Please tell me, for the love of all that is holy, why a goth girl goes to a place with a beach...and sunshine...and thousands of people named Kip, and Allie, and any other preppy sounding name that you can imagine.

This is a classic example of a fish...a white fish...being way out of water.

In our next installment, we can discuss why teenagers want to tattoo various body parts (especially sleeve tattoos), have more than 10 visible piercings, or pick fights with people twice their size.

Wait, it is because huge quantities of alcohol are involved.

Never mind.