Saturday, April 28, 2012

Even Utah Knows.

The Lifeguard Is One Of Utah's Treasures
And, Dan Liljenquist, Senator Orrin Hatch's 2012 primary challenger, takes a minute to talk about The Lifeguard to the media.

Yeah, The Lifeguard remembers when Senator Hatch was elected (back in 1976).  The Lifeguard might have even held a sign, handed out fliers, or encouraged folks to vote for Hatch.  But, that was 36 years ago, when Orrin Hatch was a young(er) man, filled with piss and vinegar.  Back when he was replacing a two-term Democrat.  

And, frankly, six terms later, it's kind of the same thing.

Senator Hatch is a great man, and a fine legislator.  He has worked to find compromise, and was a friend of the late Senator Edward M. Kennedy.  (That, alone, is reason enough to vote Hatch out of office, in The Lifeguard's opinion.)  But, face it, 36 years is a long time, and maybe it's time to retire.  (Or, be retired.)

It's funny, but in major league politics--as found in the U.S. Senate--they never know when to go.  (And, their constituents are often too corrupt--or too stupid--to cashier them.)  Senators get caught up in the pomp and circumstance, the power, and the fact that winning an election makes them experts on any and all subjects.  And, so it is with Senator Hatch.  

The beauty of it all is that Liljenquist is much of what Senator Hatch once was.  Smart (3.9 GPA at BYU), tough, and energetic.  The only negative is that he may be ignorant of the U.S. Constitution (if he had President Obama as a Con Law professor at the University of Chicago).

So, if you are in Utah, take a look at Dan Liljenquist.  He's a good man; and, he's spreading the word about The Lifeguard.

Biden Confirms It.

The Veep Can't Stop Talking About The Lifeguard
Vice President Biden appeared Friday, at a campaign fundraiser.  As he began his remarks, he said, "Look, I am absolutely bugfuck crazy, and I am going to make some pretty outrageous comments about Governor Romney.  The one kernel of truth, however, is that The Lifeguard is about this big."

Friday, April 27, 2012


"The Lifeguard Has A Big Stick"

The president, on the other hand, is a big dick.


The Sex Was The Same, But The Dishes Were Piling Up In The Sink

Just in case anyone was wondering why Western Civilisation is so vastly superior to everything else, kindly consider that a proposed Egyptian law will permit men to have "farewell intercourse" with their wives.

So, The Lifeguard was thinking, "That sounds a little intrusive."  Why is there a need for a law that mandates a wife have sex with her husband as part of the process of saying goodbye?  

[Husband]:  "Honey, I'm going to work.  Farewell."

[Wife]:  "Okay, but don't forget to do me first."

Then, The Lifeguard read the article...

Holy fuck!  What the fuck, motherfucker?!?

A law that permits a husband to fuck his wife for up to six hours after her death?  Can we just call in an air strike now?  (The Lifeguard notes that the wife can also fuck her husband after he has died; but, how does that even work?)

This is almost too bizarre to fathom (even from a religion that promises paradise for blowing yourself up); and, The Lifeguard really wasn't sure if this was a joke.  (But, since truth is stranger than fiction, The Lifeguard thinks that it must be true.  And, that we must call in that air strike now.)  Then again, The Lifeguard supposes that this is why women are denied education (and other basic rights) in Muslim countries.

This prompted The Lifeguard to think of his Top Ten comments on the proposed law:
  • 10)  Timing the Viagra becomes really important.  (The Lifeguard supposes that is why the law gives the husband six hours.)
  • 9)  For at least six hours, your wife is in the mood.
  • 8)  The shock of having farewell intercourse, only to find that your wife was alive, and just not that into you.  Ever.
  • 7)  Trying to sneak in a quickie, and going past the six hour mark.  (Why six hours?  Why not eight?  Twenty-four?)
  • 6)  An arrest for going past the six hour limit can't be much more embarrassing than fucking a dead person.
  • 5)  No foreplay!
  • 4)  Pillow-talk becomes extremely one-sided.
  • 3)  You don't have to worry if your wife has a headache.
  • 2)  No cuddling after intercourse.
  • 1)  Two words:  Anal sex!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Damn Skippy!

"If Rosalynn Had Seen The Lifeguard, She'd Have Been The One With Lust In Her Heart."
More proof that The Lifeguard is the bomb.  From President Carter, no less.


She Should Have Had An Aborsh
The Lifeguard's legs have been tired lately.  But, only because he's been kicking so much ass.      So, in the interest of a better, more perfect America, The Lifeguard thought it was about time for another installment of the most anticipated column in the free world.  (In Islamic theocracies, The Lifeguard's most popular work comes from his ability to find pictures of kissing lesbians, but that's another story for another time.)

  • Massachusetts senatorial candidate (and Harvard Law professor), Elizabeth Warren recognised The Lifeguard' after she ran into him at the health club.  (In defence of The Lifeguard, he had just gotten out of a very cold swimming pool.)  She noted, to Timothy Geithner, "The Lifeguard's endowment reminds me of Harvard's.  Huge."
  • Professor Warren is the self-proclaimed "Mother of the Occupy Movement."  The Lifeguard is thinking that, maybe, she should have gone down to the clinic and had an aborsh.  Seriously?  That's sort of like Marie Antoinette taking credit for the French Revolution.  Not smart.  Not true.
  • Does she know who the father is?  Does he pay child support?  
  • Newt is getting out of the race for the Republican nomination.  He said, "I'll see you next Tuesday."  Maybe he should see if he could get a $350,000.00 a year teaching gig at Harvard (like Elizabeth Warren), then he could get a no-interest loan of the $4 million that he needs to retire his campaign debt.
  • Rick Santorum lost Pennsylvania...again...last Tuesday.  To Mitt Romney.  True, Santorum was out of the hunt; but, if he were truly viable, he'd have won.  (Sort of like voting for the dead guy.)
  • $11 billion to save the USPS?  Why?  It's a paragon of inefficiency, a breeding ground for waste.  The only thing that differentiates the postal service from the GSA is that the postal service delivers the mail.  Sometimes.
  • Maybe the GSA could buy the USPS $11 billion worth of Chevy Volts.  (Recharged by electricity generated by wind power.)  Of course, the workers' compensation claims from burned postal workers could be a further drain on the system, so maybe not.
  • Maybe Elizabeth Warren didn't need an aborsh for the child that is now the Occupy Movement.  Maybe she should have just used contraception.  
  • Kids are getting sick from drinking hand sanitiser to get drunk.  What's next?  Sterno?  Maybe, just maybe, it's time to drop the drinking age from the ridiculous 21 to a more reasonable 18.
  • Seven-time Cy Young Award winner, Roger Clemens goes to trial on a charge of lying to the U.S. Congress about the alleged use of performance-enhancing substances.  When will Congress be brought to trial for lying to us?  [Ed. Note:  This is a rhetorical question, for those of you with no sense of humour.]
  • It's a good thing that ObamaCare provides free contraception.  We are all going to get fucked if President Obama (who is still not a Muslim) gets re-elected.
  • Doesn't the fact that General Electric paid no tax on $14 billion in profit make you wonder why the United States doesn't change it's corporate tax regime?  (The highest in the OECD.)  The Lifeguard supposes that America has to be number one at something.
  • President Jimmy Carter has offered praise for Mitt Romney.  Oh, Jesus, we are fucked.
All right, that's enough for now.

The Lifeguard has to go for his morning run.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


"The Lifeguard?  About This Big."
Tim Tebow, the New York Jets phenom, was stunned when he ran into The Lifeguard in the men's room at a swanky event in the Big Apple.  He was even more shocked when asked about The Lifeguard, rather than Ashley Madison's challenge to pay $1 million to any woman who can prove that she had sex with Tebow.

The Lifeguard commends Tebow; and, notes the irony that Patriots tight end, Rob Gronkowski would "'F' Tebow to take his virginity."  (After which, presumably, there would be only one tight end left in the room.)

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Damn skippy!

"Oh, About This Big."

Senator Putzhead (D-NY), was asked about The Lifeguard's most recent visit to the Senate steam room.

"I was walking past, on Ladies Day, and I heard someone gasp," Putzhead said.

Schumer remarked, "I thought someone was dying, so I opened the door and looked through the steam.  I walked in, know.  Wow!  The damn thing could have put my eye out.  And, the ladies, they thought I was looking at them; but, I wasn't."  (If you've seen Senators Snow and Collins lately, you know what Ol' Putzhead is talking about.  And Senator Stabenow?  Yikes!)  

"The Lifeguard is magnificent," the senator said.

"Now, if only I can figure out a way to tax it," commented Schumer.  "It's not fair to the other 99.99%."

Friday, April 20, 2012

The New White House Chef

The New White House Chef
President and Mrs. Obama are pleased to announce the hiring of Lin Ling, the famed Asian Fusion chef from Beijing.

Here, she prepares the president a hot dog, which is one of his favourite snacks.

It wasn't The Lifeguard.

Injured In An Accident?
Proving once more that Australia is the most awesome country in the Southern Hemisphere, a woman injured while having sex (while on a business trip for her government employer) was awarded workers' compensation benefits.

After meeting a friend for dinner, they adjourned to her hotel room, where one thing led to another.  Eventually, she was being railed by her friend, and a glass light fixture came away from the wall, causing her serious permanent injury.  (The light fixture was not the only thing that came away from the wall.)

The court ruled that getting a good rogering was a lawful recreational incident, in the same vein as showering, sleeping, or playing cards.  As such, any injuries sustained while having her brains fucked out were covered by the workers' compensation statute.

Usually, the worker gets screwed on comp.  She got screwed and got comp.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Piece of Cake

The Lifeguard Is Not
The Lifeguard collected his bib number--25058--at the Fitness Expo.  The game was on; and, after months of training, and countless miles on the road (usually behind the wheel of his car), The Lifeguard was prepared for his inevitable success in the 116th running of the Boston Marathon.

With the weathermen forecasting unseasonably hot temperatures (and the BAA suggesting that all but the most elite athletes defer), The Lifeguard began to consider that his marathon dreams might be postponed until the 2013 edition.  Still, The Lifeguard was holding out hope for the race (in spite of 70 degree temperatures at 7:00am).

The Lifeguard arrived at the Boston Common, prepared to board the bus to Hopkinton, and the start of the marathon.  There, among the hordes of smelly bums (and coffeed-up runners), The Lifeguard ran into his muse--his inspiration--for the race.  Annie R., whom The Lifeguard had met on a flight to Boston several weeks ago, gave The Lifeguard the encouragement that he needed to lube up with BodyGlide and follow the herd of humanity into the corrals for the start of the marathon.

At this point, The Lifeguard had made two important decisions.  First, to grab a few bananas and a bottle of water for the first 5k.  Second, The Lifeguard decided that posting to facebook (during the race) would actually be pretty useful (in the event that The Lifeguard succumbed to heat or sweaty female runners).

On a hot day--the temperatures were approaching 85 at the start of the third wave--hydration was a pivotal strategy.  Consequently, The Lifeguard happily grabbed the offered water, Gatorade, and the occasional handful of ice.  Additionally, at Mile 4, The Lifeguard gratefully accepted an icy cold Coors Light (when the mountains are blue, you know it's cold), a vodka martini (shaken, not stirred, at Mile 7), and a Jell-o shot (at Mile 9).  This additional hydration served The Lifeguard well, not only for the numbing effects of the alcohol; but, for the comic value, as well.

The Lifeguard noted the frustration of being passed by a woman wearing a singlet that said, "Stroke Survivor"; and, by a man with a prosthetic limb.  The dismay as he read one Panama City License Plate after another.  The shock as a woman shit herself, then (somehow) shed her shit-filled underwear and dropped them on the course (hardly missing a stride).  [At no time, did The Lifeguard's friend, Annie shit herself.]  Men and women ducked into Porta-Johns, or the bushes, to relieve themselves.  Elite runners dropped in the heat.  The Lifeguard, however, continued his quest for excellence.  (Or, at least mediocrity.)

Along the way, The Lifeguard made some new friends--Alexis, a Coast Guard chief--kept him company for about three miles.  She was a pretty amazing woman, who was suffering the effects of the heat; but, still smiling as we trudged toward Boston.  Sadly, we were separated about Mile Jell-o shot.  (Alexis, The Lifeguard thanks you again for your service to our country.)  Then, there was Kelli, an amazing young woman (from Northeastern University), who was hanging with The Lifeguard until about Mile Holy Shit It's Hot Out Here.  Finally, there was a group of men from the Army and Coast Guard who recharged their batteries at the fountain that is The Lifeguard's awesomeness.  (Of course, The Lifeguard is especially grateful for their service, as they keep America safe and that The Lifeguard can keep posting to this blog.)

The best part of the race, however, was Wellesley College, which The Lifeguard was forced to run past six or seven times.  (Wellesley women line up along the route, seeking kisses from passing runners.)  In the course of a mere 60 minutes, The Lifeguard kissed a woman from France, an astrophysics chick, an Oregonian, a Swedish woman, and about 15 other flavours.  Sadly, the threesome in the bushes was cut short by The Lifeguard's need to get back onto the course.  [Ladies, feel free to contact The Lifeguard at your earliest convenience.]

As The Lifeguard approached Heartbreak Hill, he knew that he was going to make it his bitch.  Slowing down to a more manageable pace, The Lifeguard climbed the hill, then lengthened his stride as he ran the final miles to the finish.

At Mile 24, The Lifeguard (who had had a pretty easy time of it, compared to some others) had a moment of doubt--reasons to quit the race--which was pushed from his mind in an instant.  He continued, forging ahead, to the finish.

Sure, completing the Boston Marathon in 7:08.34 is pretty awful; but, it was brutally hot, and The Lifeguard had to slow down so as to text, post, or call his legions of fans.

Oh, and if you really want to make a difference, kindly donate to The Lifeguard's charity, Massachusetts Eye and Ear Infirmary.  You may do so by going here.

Friday, April 13, 2012

The newest cabinet member...

If You Believe ObamaCare Is Good For America, You Probably Believe In The Easter Bunny. 
President Barack Hussein Obama (who shows off his non-Muslimness by posing with the Easter Bunny) is hoping that Americans will see the Individual Mandate as just another free egg left by that lovable, long-eared rodent, also known as "The Easter Bunny."

But, like eggs left in the sun for too long, ObamaCare is a stinky, rotten egg.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Great Shortstop
But, what an asshat.  After praising the Maximum Leader, Fidel Castro, Miami Marlins' manager, Ozzie Guillen, has had to face down criticism from Miami's Cuban community for his outrageously stupid remarks.

Guillen admires Castro?  What a dumbass.  What sort of a fuckwit makes that statement in Miami?  Oh, wait.  That would be Ozzie Guillen.

The Lifeguard would like to know what Guillen thinks about Hitler, Stalin, fags, and whether Hanley Ramirez will have a monster year.

Actually, The Lifeguard only cares about what Guillen thinks about what happens between the foul lines.  The rest?  He should just shut the fuck up.

Monday, April 09, 2012


Bagdad (Florida)-born Bubba (Watson) beats....

(That's where the alliteration ends, friends.)

Anyway, the Florida boy beats some South African to win The Masters (which President Obama was not watching because Augusta National doesn't admit women) in an exciting two-hole playoff.  

The Lifeguard, on the other hand, was not watching The Masters.  Not because he was protesting the absence of distaff members of Augusta National; but, because golf on TV is fucking stupid.

For The Lifeguard, watching golf on TV is like watching porn.  Fucking stupid.  (Now, making porn, on the other hand....)

Anyway, here is The Lifeguard's account of Bubba Watson's playoff victory (as written by Kent Babb, of The Kansas City Star).

Thursday, April 05, 2012


Our Nation's Most Pressing Problem
President Barack Hussein Obama, who remains a fervent non-Muslim, has weighed in on the nation's most pressing problem.

Not the fiasco that is ObamaCare.

Not spiking gasoline prices.

Not the threat to peace in the Middle East.

Not childhood obesity.

Not whether Sandra Fluke was called a "slut"; or, that if he had a son, he'd look like Trayvon Martin.

Nope, BHO has decided to tell a private golf club that they should admit women as members.  

Coming off a week where he threatened the Supreme Court with his comments about the individual mandate, he has weighed in on the Augusta National policy that prohibits women from being members of the club.  

Oh, sure, a woman can play a round of golf at Augusta, she just can't play without an invitation from a member.  Just like every other country club in America.

But, Obama needs the vote of women, especially those that don't belong to country clubs.  And, Obama knows golf, having played more than 90 times in his just over three years in office.  (In fact, it might be one of the only things that BHO is good at, given his 17 handicap.)

And, since this type of pronouncement makes for good press (when everything else you say makes you look like a fucking idiot), President Obama charges right into the fray.

Frankly, The Lifeguard couldn't care less about the issue.  Golf on television is stupid.  It's boring.  It's painful.  It's stupid.  (Wait!  The Lifeguard just said that.)    

Sure, The Lifeguard loves golf.  (Just the other night, Nurse Dagmar was admiring The Lifeguard's driver's stiff shaft and his dimpled balls.)  And, The Lifeguard would give just about anything to play a round at Augusta.  However, it's just not something that the president should be involved with.  (Especially if he ever wants to play at Augusta National.)  If women are so exercised about membership in a club that they will never be members of, then let them scream about it.  But, the president should simply shut the fuck up.

[Note:  If anyone wants to invite The Lifeguard to play Augusta, please feel free to contact me.  Or, if the 2010 DePauw University women's golf team would like to play around with The Lifeguard, they should definitely call.]