Thursday, December 07, 2006

FESTIVUS: The Holiday for the Rest of Us!

I am, frankly, annoyed at three things this morning:

First, that we have become so afraid to offend anyone that we have excised everything from our December vocabulary (i.e., Christmas) but Eid (a Muslim holiday where the practitioners celebrate by detonating IEDs), Kwanzaa (a holiday made up by a Marxist black militant) and Chanukah (I spelled it correctly, don't worry). In fact, I wonder when the Christians will start complaining about the lack of attention given to their celebration.

Holiday shopping is the topic of this article, which requires no other comment:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/56017

As an aside, have you noticed that you can't spell Eid without IED?

Second, if I hear one more person say "At the end of the day..." without following it with "...it will be night", I will absolutely go bugfuck crazy. Using this expression does not make you sound smarter, it makes you sound like an unoriginal douche without a thought of his (or her) own. Listening to the radio this morning, I heard some so-called expert on Iraq use the expression three times in the course of five minutes.

"At the end of the day, there is no solution to the Iraq mess but to leave. We have lost."

What a supercilious cunt. There is a solution: It is known as winning. And it isn't that hard if our assumption that the problem in Iraq is caused by 10% of the population blowing themselves up with IEDs (to celebrate Eid, no doubt). Kill them today and get them to Paradise. Problem solved. And they won't care, because they are getting 72 virgins when they arrive, as well as the fact that they will probably blow themselves up tomorrow.

Third, why does Starbucks insist insist on asking me my name (when I order) if they are not going to use my name when my beverage is ready? Why is a small a tall, a medium a grande, and a large a venti. (Actually, I know it's a venti because it is 20 oz.) And why do they ask if I need room for cream when I order a black coffee. It is BLACK, you fucktard. That means I want it black, with no cream, because it is a black coffee, which means that I don't want to put cream or sugar in it, because it is black. Get it?

It makes me bugfuck crazy.

That is all
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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

i get it. you like black coffee, red cars and white women.

9:59 AM
The Lifeguard said...

My father always said, "Son, take your coffee black and your women white."

But what did he know about women?

10:57 AM
Cartooniste said...

obviously, if you ever were the sort of person (as I am) to routinely be handed cups of coffee nearly sloshing out the top after you have *expressly asked that room be left for cream*, with no room for cream whatsoever unless you either dump an inch or so into the garbage, or slurp it loudly off the top while dribbling a good amount on the sugar-and-napkins table, you would appreciate the "would you like room for cream at the top" question.

1:45 PM
The Lifeguard said...

Like I said, coffee black, cars red, women white.

I don't need no room for cream.

Seriously, in my mind, nothing smells better than coffee with cream and sugar; but, since my Uncle Joe passed away, taking with him the precise formula for that coffee that smelled so good, I am sticking with black coffee. And white women. The cars...well, I am indifferent on that one.

9:48 PM

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