Thursday, December 25, 2008

Peace On Earth, Good Will Toward Men...

The Lifeguard Wept...

I was at Mass yesterday afternoon, and I was taken by the poinsettias, a beautiful sea of scarlet and white. And, my favourite reading...'though, frankly, Linus Van Pelt does it better than any man:

Luke 2

1And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.

2(And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)

3And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

4And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)

5To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

6And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

7And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

8And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

9And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

So, on this Christmas Day, The Lifeguard wishes everyone a very Merry Christmas, and a joyful and prosperous New Year.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas...

The Lifeguard Fears No Man!

Years ago, The Lifeguard taught fourth grade in an elementary school in Massachusetts.* My goal was to have students who not only spoke in complete sentences, but who also had exceptional vocabularies. Each day, The Lifeguard assigned a word, and told the kiddos that they were liable to be called on to use that word in a sentence.

On Thursday, before a big snowstorm, I gave them their word: "contagious".

On the following Monday--school having been cancelled due to the storm--I asked my students, in turn, to use the word in a sentence.

Sarah said, "My mother put me in bed with my brother when he had chicken pox, because chicken pox are contagious."

"Excellent," I said.

James offered, "I came home from school the other day, and told my brother a joke. He started laughing, and then my mother started laughing, and then, my father started laughing. That's because laughter is contagious."


Then, little Liam O'Sullivan, a recent arrival from Dublin, raised his hand.

In his thick Irish accent, he said, "On Friday, my mum went outside to shovel our driveway. It took her two hours, but she got the whole thing cleared, and was about to come back inside
the house when the plow drove by and piled all of the snow back up at the end of the driveway. My dad looked out the window and said, 'Oh, it'll take that contagious to clear that snow."

*The Lifeguard is willing to do just about anything for a joke. For the record, I never taught fourth grade in Boston, or anywhere else.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Third Time's The Charm...

Friday Firing, Part III

"Boss, phone for you."

I went to the phone, and picked up the handset. It was the employee that I had fired before. (That's right, sports fans, I had to fire someone twice.)

Really, who has to fire someone twice? I mean, sometimes the terminated employee returns to the workplace...with a Glock, or an AK-47...intent on shooting up the place. This guy returned to the workplace

"Boss," he said. "I was wondering if it would be all right if I came into work today."

"What? No, I don't think it would be all right."

"Why?" he said.

"Because, I already let you go...twice."

Or, as Coach Red Beaulieu said, "You're fired."

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Fuck the heck?

Several weeks ago, I had an employee who was not faring well in the fast-paced environs of my plant. He was frequently tardy (as in, every day), and advised me that--two days into the job--that he was not feeling well, and that he needed to go to the doctor.

Now, truth be told, The Lifeguard has been around the block a few times, not to mention years in a workers' compensation practice, and he saw that there was something fishy about the complaints of varied aches and pains.

Lifeguard: "You need to work today, and this weekend. Go to the doctor tonight."

Employee: "I can't. My [body part] hurts."

Lifeguard: "Well, then, you can have the weekend off.'

Employee: "Really, boss? Thanks."

Lifeguard: "In fact, you can take the rest of this week off. And next week, too."

Employee: "Wow, you are the best."

Lifeguard: "Now, get the fuck out...and don't come back."

Imagine The Lifeguard's dismay when, upon arriving at work the following week, Employee was cocked, locked and ready to rock.

Lifeguard: "What are you doing here?"

Employee: "Here for work, boss."

Lifeguard: "But, I let you go last week."

Employee: "But, it's Christmas."

At which point, The Lifeguard completely lost his mind...and fired him again.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Fuck the heck!

Down In The Durham Ditches...
there's a place that twenty thousand sons of bitches call Chapel Hill. And, thanks to the intolerance, political correctness, and idiocy of one person--Associate Provost of Libraries, Sarah Michalak--those poor bastards won't have their Christmas trees this year.

What's a poor Tar Heel to do? Sure, the women's soccer team won the NCAA Championship. Sure, the football team improved after giving their coach a huge raise (after a mediocre 2007 season). Sure, the basketball team is...well...good.

But, this year, there won't be a Christmas tree outside of the Wilson and Davis libraries, which is a shame. All, in the name of tolerance of other religions. As if taking down the trees will appease the idiots who have complained about the trees over the last few years. It will, instead, embolden them.

Sort of like Hitler was emboldened when Neville Chamberlain gave up Czechoslovakia, declaring "...peace in our time."

Yo, Neville, how'd that work out for you?

So, first, it's the trees. Then, the ram. (Too violent, of course. Offensive to vegetarians. Natch.) I'm pretty sure that someone is offended by the black spot on the heel. The fight song has also got to go. (I'm not sure what's offensive about the fight song; but, I wasn't sure what was offensive about a tree.)

Sure, she could have put up a Menorah (for the Jews), a Kwanzaa bush (for the blacks), and a...wait...the Muslim students could sacrifice the mascot (for Eid-al-Adha).

But, no. She took the trees.


What the deuce?

In An Effort At Change...

Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich (D-Duh) seeks to become the first person pardoned by President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama.

Blagojevich, who committed himself to cleaning up the mess created by convicted felon (and former Republican Governor, George Ryan), put a massive "For Sale" sign on the Senate seat held by Obama.

Blagojevich wasn't even subtle about it. He was shaking down everyone in an effort to get money for his campaign, for his wife, and for himself. And, it is all on tape, right down to the Governor's comment that he "...just wanted to make money."

So, as a consequence of his actions, yet another politician has taken yet another massive dump on the confidence of the general public in their elected officials. It almost makes one wonder how many millions of dollars Senators (like Obama and Dodd) and Representatives (like Barney Frank) would seek from, say, Fannie Mae...wait, they already got theirs.

Seriously, the only way to solve the problem of the massive governmental corruption now present in Washington, D.C. (and fifty state capitols) is to get rid of them all. But, that won't happen...

As someone once said, "he may be a crook; but, he's our crook."

Therefore, The Lifeguard now announces his candidacy for the Massachusetts General Court; and, ultimately, for even higher offices.

My platform: Change!

Or, to borrow from His Excellency, the Governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, "Together we can!"

Use the "Contribute Now" tab to make your campaign contribution to The Lifeguard.

Do it, damnit.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008


I Am A Glutton For Punishment...

I went guessed it...Dunkin' Donuts today. After yet another FUBARed order, I decided to review my past disappointments so that I could put together a comprehensive guide to speaking Dunkinese.

To Get This... Order This...

Coffee Regular Black Coffee, No Sugar

Blueberry Muffin Bacon, Egg and Cheese Sandwich

Bagel With Plain Cream Cheese on the Side Bagel With Veggie Cream Cheese

I am sure that there are other examples of Dunkinese, and The Lifeguard invites you to send them along.

In the meantime, I am going to Starbucks.

Monday, December 01, 2008

The Lifeguard Meets Captain Obvious

And Jesus Wept...

The Lifeguard was chatting with a friend the other day, and almost went through the roof. Fortunately, Captain Obvious (and his amazing hearing) had the same reaction to the "conversating" going on, and he arrived on the scene, to administer a boot to the head.

It made me think about a few of the linguistic abortions that I have heard in the last few weeks. (And, since President-Elect B. Hussein Obama supports the right to an abortion right up to the time of delivery, I am expecting to hear more everyday. I can not wait.)

As I mentioned, I was conversating with my friend, and he was telling me about how he had been
conversating with his wife about some matter or another. This reminded me about how I had been conversating with my friend, S, and we conversated almost all night long.

For the record, there is no such motherhumping word as "conversated".

Which brings me to my recent trip to Big City Hospital. I ran into an acquaintance in the cafeteria, where I had gone for a bad cup of coffee and a six-hour-old hamburger...which was free (thanks to Boston's Mayor, Thomas Menino) of trans fats. (The coffee was free of trans fats. The burger had them in spades.)

And, as we were conversating, she started telling me about her new boyfriend, who is doing his residency in oncology and etymology.

"Cancerous words?
What the fuck!?! Try haemotology, not etymology, cupcake."

So, today, I mentioned a luncheon that was being held at work to my friends D and G.

"Hey, fellas, that luncheon is today."

"I brought my lunch. Just my luck," G said.

"Looks good; but, it's roast pork." (Which I know that G does not eat.)

"You don't have to have pork, G. They also have ham," said D.


Sunday, November 30, 2008

Happy Birthday, Mom!

She Would Have Been 83...

My mother passed away last year, and not a day has gone by that I have not thought of her, missed her. She was a lovely and gracious lady, the paragon of an elegant Southern woman.

And, though she often annoyed me with her endless advice, I find that I could use some of her wisdom right about now. Regardless of our disagreements, she was always there when I needed her. She was always quick to forgive. (And God knows, there was a lot to forgive.)

For those of you who haven't yet visited Misspent Youth, I encourage a stop there to read the eulogy that I offered at her memorial service.

For those of you who have, read it again. For The Lifeguard.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Kill 'em all, let God (or Allah) sort 'em out.

Mumbai Terror Attack At An End...

When I first heard the news of attacks at the Taj Mahal and Oberoi Hotels, the first thought that popped into my head was, "Where are we going to find another 720 Virginians?"

Hey, it wasn't that I just assumed that the terrorists were Muslim, it was that I knew that they were Muslim. After all, who else does this kind of shit?

From news of the gunmen targeting Americans and Britons (read white folk) to the stories of butchered women, I found this incredibly disturbing. After all, we live in a new world. A world where the President-Elect of the United States has stopped the rise of the oceans and unified the diverse peoples of Earth.

And so, the first crisis of the new administration (or the last of the old) takes over the headlines.

It highlights three things:

One, we still live in a very dangerous world. A world where there is hatred based upon one's place of birth, or the colour of one's skin.

Two, the failure of the United States to support former Pakistani President, Pervez Musharraf has come home to roost. There is less control, and more uncertainty in that nation now that there is a new president, one who is less beholden to the United States.

And, three, maybe, just maybe, we need to expand Club Gitmo.

A Modest Proposal.

A Little More Charming Than The Skinny Pirates...
I was chatting with someone the other day, discussing world events, and the topic of the Siege in Somalia (think "Rumble in the Jungle" or "Thriller in Manila") arose.

Miss Liberal White Guilt said that she could fully understand the desperation that would drive the Somalis to take to the high seas, risking life and limb to " able to feed their families."

"Huh?" I said.

"They're just trying to feed their families. They don't want to hurt the crews, and it's not like the ship owners can't afford it."

Now, from where I sit, this woman is too stupid to vote; and, should probably never reproduce so as not to inject any more of her idiocy into the gene pool.

"Are you kidding me? I know that Somalia is a lawless country; but, there is a solution. A solution not unlike the one undertaken by Thomas Jefferson in the early part of the nineteenth century."

"But," she said, "we are already fighting one illegal war. We can't afford another."

"Huh? You voted for Obama, didn't you."

"Of course. Didn't you?"

At this point, The Lifeguard collapsed, frothing at the mouth, over the apparent disdain that this woman had for our nation of laws.

Not only do pirates cause a disruption of shipping traffic through the Gulf of Aden, they wreak havoc on yachtsmen sailing the world's oceans for pleasure. As to the former, the increased costs of insurance and ransoms are passed along to the end-user of the products transported. (That means you and me.) In addition, the ship owners are forced to pay greater wages to be able to retain crew; and, should these pirates actually sink a ship (such as the Sirius Star), the environmental costs would be staggering. As to the latter, lesser pirates, off the coasts of South America, for instance, are emboldened by the successes of the Somalis (and the impotent responses of the U.S. et al.), and begin to see pleasure craft as a source of some quick cash.

In this environment, one of the principal tasks of the United States Navy is not met. Protecting commerce is as important as any other mission; and, it is not being accomplished.

So, for the weak of mind and infirm of spirit, The Lifeguard offers this modest proposal, in four steps:

Step One: Read Heart of Darkness.

Step Two: Task the NSA, the CIA, the DIA, the MIA (and any other "A" you can think of) to tracking the movements of pirates in the Gulf of Aden. They may not be Al Qaeda; but, the cost to society (and the world economy) is at least as significant. Oil tankers, freighters, and other ships are faced with a much longer (and more environmentally damaging) trip if they can not transit the Gulf of Aden.

Step Three: Send an expeditionary force of Special Forces types into Somalia. Support them with a small flotilla of naval vessels, and give them free reign to eradicate known pirates (and their pirate leaders). When caught, take them to the Somali capital (Mogadishu) and hang them. If you catch a few innocents in the noose, so be it. Ship owners would happily contribute to the funding of this force.

Step Four: Sink any piratey-looking scow, dhow, or RIB. Film it. Release it to the world-wide media (and the World Wide Web).

Only by meeting this unconventional threat with overwhelming force will the world be free of the scourge of piracy on the high seas.

Step Five (if there was one), would be to put The Lifeguard in charge of the operation. After all, The Lifeguard is no stranger to keeping the water safe.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

My Favourite Holiday!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I was driving home tonight, thinking about writing this post. Somehow, I dozed off--doing eighty miles per hour--and was jolted awake by the rumble strip on the highway. In the beams of my headlamps, I saw the hard shoulder, and the median strip.

As the left front tyre left the asphalt, I used my left foot to brake and fed in a right turn. Simultaneously, I jerked the shift lever to the left, engaging the manual shift mode, and quickly downshifted, revving the engine and using the deceleration to regain control.

Too much input into the steering, and the Swedish Ford turned across the highway, tyres squealing, and started careering toward the slow speed lane.

More throttle, down another gear, and some left steering. The car fishtailed; and, in short order, was once more headed in the right direction.

The cars behind me seemed not to miss a beat, and I settled back into my proper lane, with my heart beating a little faster and my head a little clearer.

So, as we end this Thanksgiving Day, I note some of the things for which I am thankful:

Children. All children. Sweet, innocent, and our hope for the future. That children are abused, or hungry, or scared is a great tragedy, and The Lifeguard believes that it is the duty of all men and women to protect them, to respect them.

My parents, who are both deceased, and who taught me the importance of love, of laughter, and of hard work. I miss them both, and I am often saddened by the pain and disappointment that I most certainly caused them over the course of my life.

My friends--both new and old--who have stuck by me (and always will). My oldest (or longest-tenured) friend, M, is one of the finest people that I have ever known. One of my newer friends, J, was a rock to cling to when things were bad. S is a really new friend, and truly special. Then, there are the As, Bs, Ps, the Ls, and an R or two.

Sure, I know that all of this is a little maudlin for The Lifeguard; but, there is something about careering out of control that makes you slow down, focus, and reassess your direction.

Oh, and for the record, The Lifeguard 1, turkey 0.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Lifeguard on Sabbatical...

The Lifeguard Is Learning Spanish!

I have no choice. I was at Dunkin' Donuts the other day...what can I say, I am a glutton for punishment...and I ordered a breakfast sandwich--something with bacon and egg and cheese.

Imagine my chagrin when I opened the bag to find a delicious blueberry muffin.

I just wonder how you say "blueberry muffin" in Spanish.

And for the record, I hate Dunkin' Donuts. More than ever before.

Monday, November 17, 2008

British Badass!

One Hour And Forty Six Minutes Of Retribution...

Fuck the critics who panned Quantum of Solace. They are idiots.

This is, without a doubt, one of the four best Bond movies ever; and, I stand by this assessment. In fact, I stand by it so much that I will see this movie again, at the cinema. Then, when it comes out on cable, I will see it another forty seven times.

In this film, we see the continued development of James Bond, without the distraction of gadgets and witty banter (even though there are some great lines). Instead, we gain insight into what makes Bond, well, Bond. We see into his soul, and it is dark, sublime.

Judi Dench is great as M; and, Gemma Arterton is unbelievably sexy in the role of Strawberry Fields. Oh, and Olga Kurylenko? Spectacular.

Go and see it. Twice.

Friday, November 07, 2008


The First African-American President...

may actually be an African. That is to say, he might be a Kenyan; but, we'll never know. We still haven't seen his birth certificate; and, when we do, it'll be too late.

All that aside, he is my President now.

Congratulations, President-Elect Obama. You ran a great campaign. The best that I have ever witnessed. (Even though your opponent, Senator McCain, ran a horrible campaign.)

And now, now that the oceans are receding, the temperature is falling (or rising), and the starving are sated, the real debate can begin.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Obama's OUI

We Needed To Know...
That President George W. Bush had been pinched for an DUI. Getting the news just a few days before the 2000 election was, in no way, meant to keep people from voting for then-candidate Bush. And, 'though some thought it was a dirty trick, it was reported by everyone.

From my perspective, it didn't make a difference to me, because I was already a Bush supporter. (I am still talking about the President.) In fact, I thought that the candidate should have released the news ages earlier, to blunt the possibility that the possibly damaging revelation could derail his campaign.

When the news broke (due to no fault of the mainstream media), I thought that it made the candidate more electable for the simple reason that nearly everyone has driven after having had too much to drink.

That is to say, anyone who has ever raised a glass at a party (or bar), then driven home, could have found themselves in the same situation as then-citizen Bush. The fact that he got caught is the old "There but for the grace of God go I" moment.

Now, just days before the 2008 election, we learn that Senator Obama's aunt, Zeituni Onyango is pulling off the trifecta: She is 1) living illegally in the United States, 2) in public housing, 3) employed by the Boston Housing Authority.

Following the same logic as with Candidate Bush before, I find that this revelation makes the Illinois Senator more electable. I mean, which of us doesn't have an "Auntie Zeituni" who is an illegal alien, in public housing, working for the Boston Housing Authority?

Hell, I do. And my Auntie Zeituni is a "...proud woman..." who really doesn't want to admit that she is related to The Lifeguard (until after the election). I love my Auntie, even though she is an illegal alien.

Oh, wait. I don't have an Auntie Zeituni (although I once drove home from a bar, completely and totally shitfaced).

And, for the record, I remarked ages ago that Hillary! should have been delving into Obama's family tree. She could have found a treasure trove of information that might have put her on the November 4th ballot. But....

The final question? If Senator Obama lets his proud auntie live in a council flat, what do you think he's going to do for (or to) you?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

My ears are bleeding!

Patti LaBelle Sucks!

Philadelphia's native daughter, Patti LaBelle, sang The Star Spangled Banner to start Game Four of the Fall Classic.

Aside from the fact that I have heard more melody from fucking cats, she didn't seem to know all of the words to the National Anthem. (It's "...perilous fight...", not "flight".)

And tell me, why do singers feel the need to make the National Anthem their own? Sing the freaking song, without all of the flourish and bullshit. And, get the words right!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I am mad as Hell...

...And I Am Not Sure If I Can Take It Anymore.

Not only are the Boston Red Sox getting shit-hammered by the Tampa Bay Rays (Top of 3, 5-0 Rays) in Game Five of the ALCS, I learned something tonight that made me very mad.

Not mad, like when I threw up a little bit in my mouth while I was kissing Gina McCarthy. (She was mad; but, not like I am mad right now.)

Mad, like when I learned that one of my son's teachers was ridiculing the children who said that they liked Senator John McCain (over Senator B. Hussein Obama). Really, what in the name of fuck is a teacher doing ridiculing ten-year-olds who said they liked Senator McCain. (Or, Osama Obama, for that matter.)

I was tempted to ask Ms. Liberal White-Guilt (her actual name) where she got off bringing politics into elementary school (or, at least a particular candidate); but, I was reminded of the old addage, "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach P.E.)*

So, imagine my chagrin when I learned that my nephew, a bright young man (natch) had walked out of an interview at my alma mater, Wake Forest, with this tale:

P, who is high school senior in Massachusetts, went to North Carolina for an on-campus interview. The interviewer, a Senior Admissions Counselor (or some such nonsense), asked P, "What were you Massachusetts people thinking when you elected Mitt Romney Governor?" Later, she asked him if he was "...working for Senator Obama."

Now, as far as I am concerned, you have a right to support and vote for whomever you wish. You, don't, however, have the right to interject your opinions into the interview process.

This would be tantamount to me asking the woman I was interviewing to be my paralegal (and she was hot, trust me) if she was interested in sucking my dong. I had a position of power over her, and she knew that her answer might affect her prospects at Doolittle and Scruem.

Honestly, does Wake Forest want a bunch of Obamaniacs? I thought they wanted diversity. Similarly, does this mean that I wanted all of my female colleagues and employees to suck my dong? No, I wanted diversity. Wait, no...yes.... I wanted them all to suck my dong. Aw, you get my point.

So, as of this moment, I am through giving money to Wake Forest. I am still pissed at the thought of P being treated so callously.

Now, where is my former paralegal's phone number. I want to ask her something.

*I am, if you hadn't guessed, talking about my son's P.E. teacher.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Thanks, Chris!


Columbus Day is, last I checked, a Federal Holiday.

That should mean that the kids get to stay home from school (so as to celebrate the discovery of the New World). Banks and government offices are closed (so the workers can remember the drive and determination that helped Columbus make it across the Atlantic). Some Americans (of Italian descent) have a parade.

But, in Princeton, New Jersey (where they take a day off for both Yom Kippur and Martin Luther King Day), the kids go to school.

Now, if I thought for a second that tomorrow would be spent learning solely about Christopher Columbus, I would be fine with the kids going to school.

Unfortunately, I am pretty sure that tomorrow will be spent celebrating diversity (as manifested by the Obama campaign), studying sex education (and how to sheath a banana in a condom), and not learning math and history.

Well, they can all go eff themselves. I am going to raise a glass to good ol' Chris, that magnificent Guinea bastard.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


I Don't Know Who Won...

A small, intimate group of 75 of my closest friends got together to watch the Presidential Debate.

Some genius suggested that we do a shot every time Senator Obama said, "um"; or, Senator McCain said, "My friend."

Fifteen minutes into the debate show, we were all shit-faced.

Good times.

Sunday, October 05, 2008


The Headline Was Perfect!

FoxNews chattering skull, Bill O'Reilly, blasted Congressman Barney Frank (D-MA) on the mess he made at Fannie. Watch the video here.

Other headlines mentioned "Barney Frank's Love Connection With Fannie."

In fact, when The Lifeguard Googled "Barney Frank" and "Fannie", he got over 450,000 hits. (Of course, Barney Frank has gotten over 450,000 hits on his Fannie, so I am not surprised.)

The bottom (no pun intended) line is that the Democrat Party generally--and Congressman Frank and Senators Dodd and Obama--took shitloads of money from lobbyists for Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. In fact, Senator Obama had one heretofore unmentioned accomplishment in the Senate: In just three years, he collected almost as much pelf from Fannie Mae as Senator Christopher Dodd did in thirty years.

Further, Senator Obama seems to take economic advice from wholly-owned subsidiaries of Fannie (like Congressman Frank). (Again, no pun intended in the use of the words "wholly" and "Fannie" in a sentence mentioning Congressman Barney Frank.) Oh, and former Fannie Mae CEO, Franklin Raines (who was ousted in 2004 in the wake of a $6.3 billion accounting scandal).

Wait, this started as a one-line commentary on a headline (again, no pun intended) and turned into a post on the lending crisis....

Wednesday, October 01, 2008



I was reading an article about academic dishonesty, and the YouTube videos posted by students bragging about their conquests in the classroom.

For me, the queer thing has always been exams requiring that a student sign an acknowledgment that the test-taker has done his (or her) own work, has not copied from someone else, has not brought in a crib sheet ("Hey, it's my own work...done outside of class.), or supported someone other than Barack Obama for President. (Okay, maybe not the Obama thing.)

I am always reminded of my anthropology professor, who said of the Wake Forest Honour Code, "If you are scum enough to cheat on the exam, you are scum enough to sign the Honour Code stating you didn't cheat."

Sunday, September 28, 2008

What the deuce?

The Bell Rings!

The candidates debated last Friday night. Senators McCain and Obama faced off in Oxford, Mississippi, to debate national security and the financial crisis; and, they did just that.

It was boring.

No name-calling. No lost tempers. No fireworks of any kind.

Some folks said that McCain won; and, others, that Obama won. No one really cared, though. Certainly not The Lifeguard, who is one bad-ass political junkie.

Both candidates staked out their middle ground, ignoring the reality of the 2008 election. In order to win, McCain and Obama need their base; and, with all of the love on that stage, no one got the red meat that they wanted.

Fortunately, Senator Biden and Governor Palin go toe-to-toe on October 2d. This will be the debate to watch for several reasons.

First, both Governor Palin and Senator Biden are far more qualified to be POTUS than either of the Presidential candidates.

Second, the Vice Presidential candidates are usually more free to go for the throat, which equals better theatre. I will not be surprised to see Senator Biden and Governor Palin duking it out, oratorially, when the formalities are out of the way. I expect at least some mean-spirited name-calling, with a dash of hyperbole thrown in for good measure.

Finally, since Governor Palin is viewed as just another pretty face; and, Senator Biden as an arrogant ass, they will be playing out of their heads, trying to show just how tough and smart they each are.

Let the games begin!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Isn't it funny?

I Was Watching Fox News This Morning...

and the chiron said something to the effect of, "Obama Up In Polls As Economy Falters."

I thought to myself, how tragic for America that in order to win the White House, the party out of power (be they Democrats or Republicans) has to hope (and pray) that things go bad in America.

It's hard to believe that the desire to sit in the big boy chair at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue can make a man (or woman) and a party take a massive dump on the country.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Thoreau would be pissed.

A Beautiful Fall Day In New England...
and a drive to Walden Pond, to commune with nature. Unfortunately, there is a five ($5.00) dollar tariff to park at Walden Pond. And, I hate to pay for parking. Anywhere.

So, I came home and settled in for the night, tuning my television to ESPN2 (The Dos) to watch my beloved Demon Deacons play the Florida State Seminoles, live from Doak Campbell Stadium. And, while I was happy that the Deacs forced seven (count 'em, seven) turnovers, won 12-3, and proved my point that Coach Bobby Bowden is about seven years past his coaching prime, I was as pissed about the announcers as I was about the parking situation at Walden effing Pond.

Bob Davie and Mark Jones, The Duo's crack announcing team, spent the better part of the game telling America just how swell Florida State's football team was. They fawned over Bobby Bowden, Mickey Andrews, and anyone else with a Florida State shirt (and a penis).

They talked about the great Seminole talents. The ones with made-up names like D'Vontrey (Richardson), Taiwan (Easterling), and Seddrick (Holloway). They talked about the coaches, and how Florida State was never out of the game. They did everything but blow Bobby Bowden. (Well, maybe after the game; but, not during.)

Now, if they had mentioned the other Florida State talent--the cheerleaders and the co-eds--I might have given them a pass; but...

Which reminds me of the time that I found myself at Florida State, doing some research in the FSU Law Library. It got late, I went for dinner and a beer at a local establishment, and ended up pulling an all-nighter with a FSU student named Alison (who was really worried about me driving after a few drinks, and thought that I would be a lot safer in her bed).

But, hey, the Deacs won. And Alison? She's just a fond memory.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Take me out to the ballgame...

Sox Win 4-3!
I was at Fenway Park on Sunday afternoon. The Toronto Blue Jays were in town; and, this was the final game of the series. As an additional bonus, I was privileged to attend the game with my friends, D and D, who had surprised their dad with a trip to Boston and a ballgame at Fenway Park.

I woke to pelting rain and grey skies; and, there was some concern (on my friends' part) that there might well be a lengthy delay (or postponement). But, we kept our fingers crossed; and, by game time, the skies had cleared, the rain had stopped, and the battle between Boston's Jon Lester and Toronto's Roy Halladay (pitching on three days' rest) began in earnest.

It was a great game, in spite of a quick score by Toronto in the top of the first. Boston answered in the bottom of the first and second, and the 2-1 margin held for most of the game.

We also watched, with eager anticipation, the Green Monster scoreboard, tracking the progress of the Yankees v. Rays game.

As always, Fenway was the draw. The perfect venue for the perfect game, baseball. The Lifeguard enjoyed the game, the fans, the food, and the chance to share such a momentous event--a maiden trip to Fenway--with good friends.

And, with that win (and the Rays' loss to the Yankees), the Sox pulled to within one game of the Tampa Bay Rays.

The hunt for the 2008 pennant continues.


Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Lifeguard Remembers

Never Ever Forget...

On September 11, 2008, The Lifeguard offers his thoughts and prayers for those who lost loved ones in the 2001 attacks on the World Trade Centers, The Pentagon, and in that field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

Turning Chicken Salad Into Chicken S***!

The Mendacity of the Dope: The Legend Continues

The legend of Senator Barack Hussein Obama's oratory continues! Making use of his rhetorical skills, he made a perfectly innocent line--"If you put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig"--the source of 456,000 hits (and, presumably, counting) on Google.

This was always my knock on Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's style of speaking (except, where Candidate Obama is halting and nuanced in his delivery, Senator Clinton was shrill and annoying). By virtue of his efforts to speak carefully, he appears to be...well...stupid. Even on the teleprompter, Candidate Obama struggles to make me think he actually believes what he is saying. Off the idiot board, he simply struggles to string together a coherent thought.

As far as I am concerned, this was just another rhetorical flourish (albeit a poorly delivered one).

He need not apologise to Candidates McCain, Palin, or the distaff population of America.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

There is a difference...

The Glosta Girls Give A Shout Out To Bristol Palin!

The difference between Bristol Palin (and the Republicans) and that " unwed teenager from the inner city..." (and the Democrats) is not latent racism, or hypocrisy, or a double standard.

The difference is that Bristol Palin has a loving family that supports her (not a welfare check). Also, she knows the father of her child (unlike many young girls that play Russian Roulette with a loaded cock); and, she is going to marry him and finish high school.

The difference is that the black unwed teenager from the inner city will probably remain unwed, will probably have more children, and will probably not get an education.

Republicans--generally speaking--love the sinner (but hate the sin). Her family (and the Republican Party) understand that kids have sex, and that sex (often) leads to pregnancy. They also understand the following:

a) Men hate to wear condoms;
b) Not wearing a condom during sex greatly increases the risk of pregnancy;
c) Abstinence (i.e., avoiding sex) decreases the risk of pregnancy; because,
d) Men hate to wear condoms.

Should Bristol Palin have been more careful? Yes.

But, maybe some good will come of this. Maybe some girls will see that there is some public humiliation to getting pregnant. Maybe some boys will see that they have to take responsibility for their actions. And, maybe, everyone will just leave Bristol Palin alone.

You'd better Google that.

I'm Pretty Sure It's K-a-t-h-a-r-i-n-e."

I was talking to the Hot Independent Girl (Named Kathryn), and we were discussing politics. Ultimately, the discussion turned to the spelling of her name.

I told her that I had a cousin who spelled her name the same way: Kathryn.

She told me that she was named for Kathryn [sic] Hepburn.

Me: "I think that she spelled it Katharine."

HIGNK [indignantly]: "I'm named for her. I should know how she spells it."

It's official!

The Lifeguard Likes!
An eternity ago, before the Republican National Convention began, then-presumptive nominee, Senator John Sidney McCain, III (R-AZ), selected a little-known governor to be his running mate. The fact that she was from Alaska, a conservative, and an (attractive) woman made her all of the more stellar as a choice.

You see, Governor Palin brings a lot to the table. She is a governor (and, former mayor), so she has more executive branch experience than the other three candidates combined. (Well, Senator Obama was the president of the Harvard Law Review. He was also a community organiser, so I guess the whole "experience thing" is off of the table.) As governor, she is the commander-in-chief of the Alaska National Guard, the group (in large part) responsible for security on the Alaska Pipeline. Her son is in the military. She is plain-spoken, looks good in a skirt, and can bullseye a womp rat from her T-16 Skyspeeder.

She had the good sense to thank Geraldine Ferraro and Senator Hillary Clinton for their work in breaking down the so-called glass ceiling; and, she has demonstrated--thus far--that a woman can be feminine and powerful. Indeed, as I was saying to someone the other day (in response to a question about why the left doesn't like Governor Palin), "She is not someone a feminist can relate to, easily. She hunts, she fishes, and she doesn't look"

In much the same way that many Democrats label Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice a " house nigga"; or, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas an "Uncle Tom", women hating the choice of Governor Palin is not surprising. They don't see themselves as strong-willed, hockey-playing, M.16 shooting, dress-wearing, successful women. They support abortion, gun control, and a ban on offshore drilling. Since Governor Palin thinks differently, they discount her--immediately--as a cynical and unqualified choice to be Candidate McCain's second. [Frankly, if I were in a duel with Senator Obama, I would want Governor Palin to be my second. I am pretty sure that she could kick Senator Biden's ass.]

And while I am not a big fan of Senator McCain, his choice of Governor Palin gives me a reason to vote for him. She is strong on energy policy, and understands that ANWR is a wasteland that should be explored. Her husband is an oil man, and a member of the United Steelworkers Union. It is likely that she understands that more exploration and drilling means more high-paying union jobs here in America. It means jobs in Alaska, in the South, and the Far West. It means mining coal in Pennsylvania and West Virginia (and the highly-paid but dangerous jobs that accompany mining). Finally, her support of domestic energy production means more refineries, pipelines, and nuclear (and other) power plants. In short, good jobs with good wages.

In fact, if the McCain/Palin ticket were smart, this is the only thing that they would be talking about for the next seven weeks. Jobs, jobs, jobs.*

Which brings me to my encounter last Thursday night:

Hot Independent Girl (named Kathryn): "The choice of Sarah Palin pushed me into the Obama camp.

Me: "Huh?"

HIGNK: "She is just too inexperienced to be President of the United States."

Me: "Huh? She is a governor, has been a mayor. In short, she has the executive experience that no one else--on either ticket--has."

HIGNK: "Well, I figure that neither a 72 year old nor a black man will make it through four years in office, so I want a Vice President who is ready to step into the Oval Office and lead this country. I think Biden is a better choice."

Now, that's cynical.

*The Lifeguard is available as a political consultant to the Republican National Committee (or, the Democrats, for that matter), as long as the money is right.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Change is all we'll have...and we'll need it to live.

Plagiarism Is In Vogue Once More!

Three observations as Senator B. Hussein Obama accepts the nomination of his Party:

1) Has anyone (other than me) noticed that Senators Obama and Biden have been accused of plagiarism? That they will give us "...change you can Xerox"...and leave us with change in our pockets.

2) Has anyone (other than me) watched some of the freaks and retards* that make up the delegates at the DNC? Aren't you just a little bit glad that they believe in abortion on demand?

3) Is anyone (other than me) tired of hearing the lies that all politicians tell, assuming that we, the people, are just too plain stupid to hear the truth? And, aren't you just a little bit tired of hearing how great a speaker Senator Obama is?

Or seeing him act the part of the rock star. Hell, I keep waiting for U2 to take the stage.

I am going to bed.

*With apologies to freaks and retards.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Thank God We Live In America...

The Games Of The XXIX Olympiad
I have been watching the Olympics (off and on) since they began almost two weeks ago. Softball and baseball have been relegated to the Oh-Dark-Thirty hours, so I have had to satisfy my jones for international softball/baseball by reading the newspaper.

Women's Beach Volleyball has been a favourite of The Lifeguard (beaches and women--what's not to like). Congratulations, by the way, to Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh.

Then, there was the FUBARed baton pass in both the Men's and Women's 4x100m Relay.

Well, at least USA Track can take solace that they don't live in the former Soviet Union (where they would be sent to the Gulag); or, Iraq (where Uday or Qusay would drop them into an industrial shredder).

So, at least they have that going for them.

That all having been said, The Lifeguard does enjoy the Olympics. I grew up watching them every four years; and, I remember cheering for the American athletes. I took it personally when the United States didn't win every medal; but, I also understood (and admired) the situation facing the athletes from certain countries. Athletes whose lives changed drastically (for the worse or the better) depending upon their success on the balance beam, the court, the pool, or the track.

I remember watching the tragedy of the 1972 Munich Olympics as it happened.

I remember Bruce Jenner winning the decathlon, and the "Miracle on Ice."

I remember the US boycott of the 1980 Moscow Olympics...and the Soviet Union's boycott of the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics.

I remember thinking that I could be on that podium, collecting my gold medal (if only I were citius, altius or fortius.) And, by gum, I would sing the Star Spangled Banner. I mean, I would belt it out ('though they might have then stripped me of my medal for my awful singing).

Anyway, back to the Games of the XXIX Olympiad, y'all.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Mendacity of the Dope...

Chapter Two

On of the young missionaries approached me.  She was young, white, and expensively dressed.  I detected a faint scent of Fleur de Fleurs, and the smell of Crest toothpaste on her breath.  Were we not in public (and were she alone), I would have taken her in my arms and kissed her, deeply.

But, we were (and she wasn't).

"Are you registered to vote?"  

"Yes, ever since I was eighteen."

"Are you a believer?" she asked.

"In what?"  (It seemed to be a good time to be a little coy.)

"Our Lord and Saviour, Barack Obama."  (Actually, she said "Senator" instead of "Lord and Saviour"; but, the latter makes for a better story.)


"Because he's black?" she asked.

"No, because he is the least qualified man ever to run for the highest office in this great land of ours.  And, because he is without conviction.  He seems to change his positions with the wind.  He sat, for twenty years, and listened to a racist crackpot denigrate America, without complaint.  He has a messiah complex."  I could have gone on for hours.  The fact that he really is an African-American has nothing to do with my feelings about the Illinois senator.

"Well," she said.  "Have you read his syllabus from when he was a professor at the University of Chicago Law School?  He is brilliant."  (She said this word--"brilliant"--like she was English.)

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I have."  (I can not believe that this is happening.  I had been asked by my friend, K, if I had read his syllabus.  Whether I knew anything about Senator Obama's law school tenure.  Since (then) I had not, I went out and read everything that I could find.)

"I also read an article about how then-Professor Obama had been hired to teach to help diversify the faculty at U of C.  How he had been offered tenure though he had never (which is to say, never) published.  And, I looked at his syllabus, which I found to be nothing special.  Oh, and it had several typos."

"Well, what would you know about his syllabus?  It's not like you are a lawyer," she retorted.

"Actually...I am The Lifeguard.  And, when I was in law school, I read all of the case law on his syllabus.  Most every law student does.  I had also read many of the articles, speeches and books that he suggests in his bibliography.  I also can not understand his lack of scholarship.  Pretty much every tenured professor that I knew lamented about the need to 'publish or perish.'  I also found it interesting that in twelve years at U of C, he never really expressed any firm opinions or views."  (I could have gone on for hours.)

"Ummm," she said.

"Ummm," she said again.

"You sound like Senator Obama once he is off of the teleprompter," I told her.

"You are a Right-Wing racist," she said, walking away, frustration evident in her voice and demeanour.

And, as I watched she and her shapely friend retreat into the crowd, I remembered that when an Obama supporter calls one names, the Obama supporter has ceded the argument.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

This is serious...

This weekend, the men and women of the Menage A Trois, the most notorious sailboat in Marblehead Harbour, will take their show on the road, to the American Yacht Club, to participate in the Leukemia Cup Regatta, to benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

Our plan is to think fat and to sail fast.

Please consider a donation to this wonderful cause.

Click here.

(That's it, move the cursor, click the button on the mouse, then donate some scratch.)

You can then check this blawg for race results and pictures of the mayhem.

I note that, aside from my volunteer work with teenage mothers (helping them get their start), I shy away from asking anyone to donate anything to anybody.

But this, do it for the kids.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Good News!

The Mendacity Of The Dope

Illinois Senator (and presumptive Democrat Presidential Nominee) Barack (or is it Baruch?) Hussein Obama has taken us on a wild ride. One that began with William Ayers and Tony Rezko and ended with his pronouncements that we will all recall the day that "...the rise of the oceans began to slow...."

In other words, we have met the Messiah and he is Obama.

What troubles me, however, is that the good senator is little more than a well-educated, well-funded charlatan. But, because he is African-American (really, his father was African, so I don't mind calling him an African-American), we can not question him about his votes in the Illinois State Senate (the nearly 130 times he voted "present" rather than "aye" or "nay"); what it really says on his birth certificate; whether his wife is fair game (since she has insinuated herself into the public eye in a way that few other putative First Ladies have); or, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

No wonder the Reverend Jackson wants to "...cut his nuts off."

Saturday, July 12, 2008


I Am Puzzled...

I umpired a baseball game last night, and the venue was a New England minor league stadium. As I walked to the umpires' dressing room, I paused, and asked out loud...

"Why is the sign in English and braille?"

Friday, July 04, 2008

America Runs On Dunkin's?

America Is Screwed!

I have stopped at my neighbourhood Dunkin' Donuts the last three mornings, and ordered my usual: black coffee (or, what Dunkin' Donuts calls coffee), with no sugar.

Unfortunately (for me), Team Brazil FUBARed my order...three days in a row.

Apparently, in Brazil, "black coffee, no sugar" means...something other than black coffee with no sugar.

But, yesterday, I was still at the window, and I checked my order before pulling away from drive-through.

Me: "Hey, Pedro! What does black coffee mean in your country?"

Hector [Looking at me as if he doesn't understand English.]: "Eh?"

Me: "Black coffee. No cream, no sugar, no spit. Just BLACK effing coffee!"

Manager [Hearing me and walking to the window.] "What's the problem?"

Me: "This is not what I ordered."

Manager [Looking at the order screen.]: "Yes, it...oh,, it isn't."

Manager [To Hector]: "Boppity boopity bap. Bappity bippidy boop."

Hector [Handing me my black coffee.]: "Ehsorry, sir, ees black."

Again, I ask the same question: How, in the name of all that is holy, can you screw up a black coffee? Anyone? Anyone?

Will someone please tell me how to order a black coffee in Portuguese.

Oh, and for those of you wondering about what the picture of Rachel Ray (with thanks to FHM) has to do with coffee, please recall that she is the spokeswoman for Dunkin' Donuts. And, she is a visual metaphor (to me) for Dunkin' Donuts coffee. I find her hot and inviting; but, when I get into her (metaphorically speaking), she is just annoyingly unsatisfying. Maybe, a ball gag (which is, again, a metaphor for coffee) would help.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Gay Pride!

Discrimination In Eugene, Oregon?

A Gay, running in the 100m trials, ran faster than any man in history. However, due to a strong tailwind, his time of 9.68 seconds doesn't count as a world record.

This is an outrage. Just because there was some "wind" a Gay didn't set the world record? Really, what does sexual preference have to do with the world record; or, running. The Gay was fast. Faster than any man in the 100m dash. But, just because he likes to s...

Wait, I just re-read the article.

He's not gay. He's Tyson Gay.

And that cat is fast. He qualified for the U.S. Olympic Team, and is expected to win gold in Beijing.

But, if he were gay, that would be okay, too. Just for the record. But, not for the world record...because of the too-strong tailwind.


What Were They Thinking?

In what is being called a stunning blow to President Bush--and, more importantly, America--the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) issued their opinion in Boumedine v. Bush. In a 5-4 decision, the SCOTUS (who are supposed to be on our team) extended the rights of habeas corpus to prisoners detained at Guantanamo Bay. This effectively gives enemy combatants the same rights as, say Orenthal James Simpson (and we all recall how that turned out).

Imagine a world where Mahmoud, a peace-loving Muslim, with six kids, four wives, and a hankering to get to Paradise (where he can get 72 Virginians) gets caught on his way to a suicide bombing, then shipped off to G'itmo for some fun in the sun. Instead of some water sports (the new term for water-boarding), three squares, and five prayers a day, he gets access to the American legal system.

Instead of swift, sure military justice, we will surely get years of wrangling over whether Mahmoud was read his Miranda rights; whether he received (competent) counsel; and, whether the rape of a six-year-old camel is grounds for execution. Idiots, languishing on Death Row, while Americans die (and pay for their care and maintenance). Idiots telling idiots that they have rights.

What this decision might do, however, is lead to something quite unintended by the SCOTUS.

Rather than have the courts (and juries) of the United States judging the enemy combatants, the Coalition of the Willing just might take matters into their own hands. They might ship prisoners off to Egyptian prisons (where the detained don't have it quite so well); or, they might just shoot the motherf***ers. After all, only God can be the judge. We can simply insure that the enemy combatants get to their appointment on time.

So, maybe Boumedine is not the defeat that the Right thinks that it is. Rather, it may give The War Against Terror a wee-bit of inertia, which will lead to increased security (and a diminished population at Club G'itmo). And, for those who think that precedent means everything, they should remember that President Abraham Lincoln suspended the right of habeas corpus during the War of Northern Aggression. Perhaps President Bush should take a page from The Great Emancipator; or, perhaps we should find someone like Colonel Walter E. Kurtz to run the show. Either way, people will complain.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Six Flags?

Sixth Level Of Hell!

Today, I did the unlikely. I took my children to Six Flags New England, in Agawam, Massachusetts. A place also known as Hell.

A place where one look at the patrons will make you feel good about yourself.

Too fat? There is someone fatter (and uglier) splashing in the water park, Speedo bursting as a consequence of one (hundred and fifty) too many Wendy's Triple Cheeseburgers. Too skinny? Check out the meth addict on the Lazy River. Want a tattoo? Shop for one among the crowd. Scorpions, tigers, pit bulls, and pictures of their baby girl (or, boy). Piercings? They've got 'em. Noses, lips, cheeks, eye brows, and belly buttons (plus, at least one visible nipple piercing on a guy named Hector).

There was nearly a fight in the water park, when a Puerto Rican girl took exception at being splashed by a black woman. ("It's a water park. Hello!") Indeed, judging by the reaction by the Latina, Democrat Presidential nominee, Senator B. Hussein Obama has a lot of outreach to do in the Hispanic community.

Which brings me to the overwhelmingly ethnic and white trash clientele.

Folks speaking English were outnumbered, at least two-to-one. Tattooed (or pierced)? Six-to-one. Women that I might take home to meet mom (if mom were alive...and I were inclined)? Exactly...two. And, one of them (I am pretty sure) was sixteen.

On top of it all, one must pay fifteen ($15.00) to park, just to have the privilege of paying $29.99 (each) to get into the park. Down a C-Note before I even bought the first $3.50 water, or the first $8.99 crispy chicken wrap.

Really, what, in the name of all that is holy, is the rationale behind a parking fee? I mean, other than the obvious. Usually, I like a kiss before I get screwed.

But, the kids had fun; and, the roller coasters were pretty cool.

Oh, and the two largish black men in the car park? They were priceless.

Black Guy One [To no one in particular]: "Yo, nigga! Can you believe that we came all the way here and lost our car?"

B.G. Two [To me]: "Nigga! How you doin'? Seen our car?"

Me [Under my breath]: "Get me out of here."

B.G. One [To the car park]: "Niggas! Where's our car!"

My only regret? That I am not still in university, in a sociology class, so that I could do a paper on this shit.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

I hate the NBA...

...But, I Love The Boston Celtics!

I haven't been a big fan of the NBA since...well...since four steps and a hack became a "great move", not a travel and a foul. I have, however, remained a loyal Boston Celtics fan.

There is so much to love about this team: The history; the players and coaches; and, that lovable little Mick that is the mascot. [Query: Why do American Indians (and liberal weenies) get pissy when the Washington Redskins take the field against the University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux (stay with me on this); but, the entire St. Patrick's Day celebrating world thinks it is cool that the Celtics and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish have stereotypical Irish dudes as their mascot?]

So, when the Celtics survived the NBA playoffs (beating Atlanta, Cleveland, and Detroit), and reached The Finals, I was thrilled. Not only was it a chance to win their seventeenth World Championship (and first in twenty two years), it was a chance for me to see the America of my youth.

After all, the Los(t) Angeles Lakers are the team of today's America. They are from the Left Coast. They are coached by a Zen-master. They are adored by the beautiful people. They are a diverse and international bunch.

The Celtics, on the other hand, are none of those things. Hell, an ESPN correspondent even compared cheering for the Celtics to rooting for Hitler. Like I said, the Celtics represent the good old days in America; and, appropos of that, they crushed the Lakers in Game Six.

I was afraid that there would be some whining, especially since the commentators were lamenting the "embarrassment" caused to the the second quarter. But, the Celtics continued with their stifling defence and overpowering offence, beating the Lakers by thirty nine points, the largest margin of victory ever.

The 131-92 victory was sweet.

It showed that America (and the Celtics) were back.

And, if Red were here, he would have lit that cigar...before the end of the first half. They were that good. They were that strong.

So, in honour of the Celtics, I am lighting up a Cohiba.