Wednesday, September 27, 2006


I was speaking with a friend regarding e-mail ettiquette. She was disturbed at the number of highly educated people who write e-mails that are bereft of punctuation.

Something like this:

hey how r u i m fine :) do u want to go out to the bars 2nite and meet sum boyz :) its ladies nite at the Flipper. give me a call or text me :) lol

This tells me three things about the author:

1) She/He is an absolute fucking retard who...
2) Is obviously not smart enough to have a computer or a high school diploma, and...
3) Who should be frog-marched out of her/his dorm room (or off-campus crib) and beaten with reeds (after being placed in a burlap bag).

Where are the capital letters that begin a sentence in 99% of the literate world? What are "boyz"? Why do we want to meet them? What in the name of God is "lol"?

I am going to go and weep for the future...theirs and mine.

Friday, September 22, 2006

These are a few of my favourite things...
Tasteless Jokes, Vol. 1, No. 1.

Q: Why don't Junior Leaguers douche?

A: Too hard to match shoes and bag.

Big Papi breaks Jimmie Foxx's Big Record
I have been down on Big Papi lately. Not because he is not hitting the ball, but because he opened his mouth. He made some comments about the MVP balloting (and there is certainly an argument to be made for Ortiz for MVP); but, I wish he would just keep his mouth shut. He is paid to hit a small, horsehide-covered sphereoid, not comment on the MVP, the War in Iraq, or the falling price of oil. And regardless of his comments, he is still the most popular man in the Commonwealth. Hell, if he weren't from the DR, people in Red Sox Nation might just make him the governor.

Ortiz broke an ancient record. He becomes only the second Red Sox player to hit fifty taters in a single season. What do you know, a record held by a pair of Sox.

Congratulations to David Ortiz, a man who puts people in the seats at Fenway even though the Red Sox are in their September Swoon. (The new slogan of the Sox: "Only another 84 years to the next World Championship.")


Monday, September 18, 2006

Economists are people too!

"You know it's said that an economist is the only professional who sees something working in practice and then seriously wonders if it works in theory." ---Ronald Reagan

Not unlike my niece, who told her Econ professor that: "Economics is the only discipline that can make astrology look like science."

The bottom line is this: We go to college, we are livin' large on mummy and daddy, and we want to be able to say cool things to our folks.

Dad: "Son, what are you taking this semester?"

College Kid: "Aw, I have a bunch of basic requirements. Oh, and I am taking Econ 101. That's gonna be a bear."

Dad: "I loved Econ."

CK: "It's a tough course, dad. Econ is a tough course."

Yeah, like opening a twist-off beer with wet hands in the cold is tough. You figure it out, and when you get to what's inside, you realize that pull tabs are easier.

[Ed. Note: If those two sentences made sense to you, then you probably would understand Econ.]

Hell, all you need to know about Econ (or, at the very least, all that you will remember five years after college) is "Supply and Demand."

Once you cut your teeth on Econ, you can take psych (rhymes with dyke), soc (rhymes with gauche) and anthro (rhymes with...anthro). If you are smart, you can also take calc, chem, bio and physics. Extra bonus points if you can figure out how to shorten biomechanical engineering.

Imagine that, going ass deep into debt for the privilege of telling people you take Econ: Demand. Spots at expensive ass colleges, where you can take these classes: Supply. As long as there are college kids demanding those seats, the price of higher education will remain ridiculously high.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes Econ 101.

Sunday, September 17, 2006


Some douchebag is suing because his toupee was bad. Some lawyer took the case. 'Nuff said.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Fuck 'em up, fuck 'em up, BC sucks!

The loyal fans of the Boston University Terriers hockey team, one of the premier college hockey programs in the United States, have just been given a brutal check into the boards of political correctness. And it sucks.

For those who are not from The Hub, Boston University and Boston College have the sort of rivalry not seen since...The Civil War. Like in the Big Ten, where a Michigan win over Ohio State can cancel out an otherwise dismal season, a Terrier victory over the Eagles, on the ice, brings redemption. This is most important since, in the interest of Title IX compliance, BU has eliminated pretty much every single sport, save for ice hockey, basketball, and sailing.

Similarly, a win by the BC Eagles has the same effect at the other end of Commonwealth Avenue.

BC fans chant "It sucks to BU"; BU fans chant "BC sucks!" The loathing is ubiquitous, as is the chanting. In fact, I was at a BU v. Northeastern game last season and the BU fans managed to get in a few BC sucks chants. BC wasn't even on the ice. BC wasn't even in the building.

But that will change, and it sucks.

Not for the phony First Amendment reasons. No, I don't care about them.

It sucks because it is a harmless tradition, and it has been going on for as long as I have been in Boston--some fifteen years--and now, some pencil neck wants to make a change. If it was a real problem, then it should have been addressed before.

Oh, but that takes balls.

No one is hurt by the chanting. It is mildly amusing, and only slightly offensive. If you don't like it, then leave. After all, you go by choice. Last I checked, a ticket wasn't forced upon you, and no one makes you sit in your seat. They are merely words, not objects that are physically harmful, like batteries. And, just out of curiosity, was my mother the only one that said, "Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you"?

Next thing you know, these hockey pucks will ban the use of a puck, on the off chance that one might go over the glass and hit someone in the head.

Choose your battles. Grade inflation, bad. Sports, good. Students who can not read and write, bad. Sports fans who have school spirit, good. Stratospheric tuition, bad. Off-color chants, good.

When everything else is sunshine and kittens, talk to me about a chant here and there. Until then, shut the hell up, you.
More Made Up Words

Another favorite, forgotten for so long:


Obviously an amalgam of ongoing and occurring. Sort of like an even more retarded sounding irregardless.

Me: "You need to return to work, as soon as you are feeling better.

Client: "But I can't. I have an oncurring disability."

When I heard this word used in this sentence, I just about spit my hot Starbucks out of my mouth, or blew it out of my nose, I don't remember which. Again, we are dealing with a fairly well-educated individual. One who is (or should be) smart enough to know that this is not a word.

Of course, if he holds out, it may end up in a irregardless.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Everybody lies!
Just yesterday, I received word that I won the UK Lottery (without even having bought a ticket) and was approached by a very senior member of the Nigerian Government, who wants to give me US$40m if I will just give him my bank account information so that he can wire the funds to me. Of course, I probably will get nothing out of this, but hey, it's got to be true, right? Oh yeah, and I also got a free supply of Viagra, added 3" to my schlong, and gained the endurance to go all night long. This internet is amazing. I may also start working from home, making $9,000.00 a day, part time. Man, this is fabulous.

So, recently, I was turned onto craigslist. I don't have time to explain it, so check it out yourselves.

A quick spin through the personals confirms the heading of this post. We are meant to believe that every guy who wants to give (or receive) oral (or anal) sex from a man is straight, has never "done this before", and has a girlfriend who "knows nothing about this fantasy". Yeah, and I have a tunnel that I would like to sell you for $16 billion dollars. Wait, no, I already did that. It's called "The Big Dig." But enough about taking it up the poopchute.

Really, what is the deal with this? If you are a man, cruising the web, looking for a man, you are probably not a novice. [Emphasis mine.] You are likely not straight. [Emphasis mine, again.] There is no shame in wanting something different; and, I wish you the best of luck in your search; but, be truthful. You are a "man seeking a man" and as such, your posting should look more like this: "Hot, horny guy hopes to find his John Dear. Plow me."

And not this:

"Hott, str8 guy, never had a single thought about another man, wants to feel the touch of a man and feel a hot man in his...."

Please. If we are to believe the personals, there are no homosexuals in the world, just a bunch of curious straight guys.

Which brings us to the next big lie. Women tell us that size doesn't matter; but, we know this is a huge lie. If it weren't, then why does nearly every man post a PhotoShopped picture of his monster cock, or describe himself as having 8+ inches? Somebody is lying, people. I would say, it's...everyone.

Women want a man with some size, and every man wants to hear his woman say, "Oh, you are so big." But, since we started with a lie (take your pick as to which one), then why don't we just dispense with the details (about what you look like, what your dress/penis size is, your girth, weight, height, et al.). Just say, "I am a man/woman seeking a man/woman/goat for coupling. Must be D/D Free. Your picture gets mine." That is all we need to know. It is sort of like fishing offshore. You may get a 900lb. tuna, you may get blue marlin, suitable for mounting. You cast your hook, with your bait, and wait. Reel in what you get. If you like it, keep it. If you don't, throw it back.

Plus, when a woman says she is hot and looks like Jennifer Anniston, and a man says he looks like Brad Pitt, complete with a 8.5" dong, don't you really hope that one (or both) are lying? You are hoping that she looks like a skag, 5' tall and 5' wide; and that he looks like, well, some ugly ass guy with acne, a pot belly, and a penis that he hasn't seen in seven years.

At this point, you, gentle reader, are wondering what sort of a sick and twisted person posts this stuff. And I, the sick and twisted poster, are wondering why you kept reading.

In reality, it was all done to segue into two relevant jokes.

Offensive Joke #1:

Q: What are the three biggest lies?

A: 1. The check is in the mail.
2. I will respect you in the morning.
3. I promise I won't come in your mouth.

More Offensive Joke #2:

Q: What are the two biggest Polish lies?

A: 1. The check is in my mouth.
2: I promise I won't come in your mailbox.

So, let's recap:

1) Straight men seeking to live out their homosexual fantasies are probably not straight.
2) Size does matter.
3) I doubt that every man on earth has an 8+" weapon in his pants.
3a) I don't care to find out. I don't have that fantasy.
4) Internet dating is like fishing. If you aren't willing to roll the dice, then get off of your ass and go to a club, a bar, a church function, or some other place where people gather.
5) The check is in the mail. I promise.

Oh, and one more joke, for Wednesday:

Q: Did you hear about the bitchy woman who told her man to give her 12" and make it hurt?

A: He fucked her four times and punched her in the mouth.*

*Yes, I know that this joke is wrong, in so many ways. We don't condone violence against women here at the pool.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

This is not an excuse to post a picture of Demi Moore....

I was thinking back on some of the really stupid things that lawyers, or their clients, say in court. I was reminded, recently, of one more ridiculous line from the most excellent A Few Good Men, a film previously reviewed raht he-yah.

It struck at my very marrow, the core of my being.

After an objection is overruled, and Galloway "strenuously objects", Kaffee gives us this gem:

"I strenuously object?" Is that how it's done? Hm? "Objection, your Honor." "Overruled" "No, no. I STRENUOUSLY object." "Oh. You strenuously object. Then I'll take some time and reconsider."

Lawyers often forget that an overruled objection is not a bad thing, especially in a bench trial. It can be a harbinger of the judge's ultimate decision. In other words, I have pretty much decided you are going to win; but, when you object, I will overrule the DA doesn't feel like he's being jobbed.

Alternatively, it means that your case sucks and you are going down, like Amelia Earhart.

There is a third, and very remote possibility, however. It could mean that the Judge is just too damned stupid to figure out your objection, and he has taken the easy way out. Oh, wait...stupid Never mind. That couldn't happen.

Yeah, so it either means that you are going to win, or you are going to lose.

Any other questions?

Ed. Note: This rather lame post was not an excuse to use a picture of Demi Moore in uniform. Really, there was a point, and it was not merely to put up a picture of Demi Moore, looking hot in a Navy uniform. Really.