Thursday, December 29, 2011

A concept!

National Lampoon's Pyongyang Vacation
It was one of the great movies of the 1980s, remade with a 21st century twist.

The Kim family loads up the Wagon Queen Family Truckster, throws dad in the car-top carrier, and sets out for that amazing North Korean theme park, Warry Word.

Of course, there are a few changes, most notably that the role of Aunt Edna is played by Kim Jong Il.  (He loved movies.  He's already dead.)  The role of Cousin Eddie is played by Jimmy Carter (a natural, more than filling Randy Quaid's goofy-ass shoes), and Cousin Catherine, by Madeleine Albright.

The film, however, rings true in so many ways.  The Lifeguard has taken the liberty of listing the top five:

5)  When Rusty asks Clark why they don't fly, Clark says, "Because getting there is half the fun."  [Kim Jong Il hated flying.  He died on his train.]

4)  Audrey tells Cousin Vicki that she's not a big fan of farms or farming (after seeing her trophy for a prize hog, but before Vicki pulls out a box of marijuana).  [The North Korean people can't raise enough food to keep from starving, thanks to the bug-fuck craziness of their late Supreme Leader.  Also, starving North Koreans have been forced to eat grass to survive.]

3)  When Clark tries to cash a check, he is told that he can't because his credit cards have been canceled.  He then writes a check and steals the cash.  [North Korea does the same thing, but with the threat of nuclear weapons.]

2)  Clark is a goofy looking dude.  [Kim Jong Un is also a goofy looking dude.]

1)  Clark kills Aunt Edna's dog.  [Kim Jong Il killed hundreds of thousands of his people.  Maybe millions, if you count the ones that died of starvation because he so badly mismanaged the country.  And, Koreans eat dog.]

Now, all The Lifeguard has to do is get some money to develop the concept.  (Hey, he figures that the studios give Adam Sandler assloads of money to crank out shit, they could do the same for moi.)

Friday, December 23, 2011

The Lifeguard Likes!

It didn't hurt that they were kinda hot.

In a move touted by the LGBT community as the "Kiss Heard Round the World," a same-sex couple became the first in the Navy to get to have the celebrated first kiss upon their return to port.  (At first, The Lifeguard thought he was seeing Rosie O'Donnell's Family Cruise, not the return of a US warship.  But, the women appeared to be attractive, so he immediately knew it wasn't Rosie.)

Sailors on board ship applauded, mainly because they got to see something they'd otherwise have to pay $9.99 to see.  The ship's captain, David Bauer, said, "It's going to happen and the crew is going to enjoy it."  (Yeah, because they don't have to pay $9.99 to see it.)

Of course, had the drawing yielded a couple of big, hairy guys (or big, hairy women), the LA Times might not have made such a big deal of the picture.

Friday, December 16, 2011

She may be 55...

...But She Told The Sioux City Audience...
...that The Lifeguard lives up to all of the hype.

Even if The Lifeguard felt like he was showing off for Diane Keaton.


Debate Recap

On Thursday, The Lifeguard settled in for a night of political debauchery (in the form of the Fox News debate, from Sioux City, Iowa).  Not only did he watch the show, but the analysis afterwards. And, as is often the case, The Lifeguard had many disagreements with the chattering skulls.  So, with martini in hand--then, as now--The Lifeguard offers a few thoughts on the present state of affairs in the diminishing Republican field.

Newt Gingrich did very well, notwithstanding the fact that he was constantly hectored by Michele Bachmann.  He stayed relatively focused, and even did a good job explaining his consulting role with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.  (His gig--as a private citizen--was much different than that of Representative Barney Frank or Senator Chris Dodd--as Congressmen.)  Sadly, Bachmann was too busy playing the role of a yipping dog to Gingrich's mailman, or Jane Curtain to Gingrich's Dan Ackroyd.

Every time Bachmann opened her mouth, The Lifeguard wanted to stick something in it.  (I'm thinking ball gag or wadded-up undergarments.)  The Lifeguard's jaw dropped when she said that someone had indicated her facts were all correct.  (There has to be a first time, just by sheer dumb luck.)  

Who in the crikey fuck picked her outfit?  It was more "mother of the bride" than "leader of the free world."  The Lifeguard can help, darlin', especially if you want to be considered to be a "...serious candidate for President of the United States...."  At least Governor Palin knew how to dress.  Maybe hit Hillary! up for some wardrobe advice.  And, for the record, sweetheart, if you want to be considered a "serious candidate", you need to stop whining about being talked down to because of your sex.  If you want to be the POTUS, you have to have some balls.  (And, that means not whingeing every time you get schooled on something.)

Ambassador Huntsman has hot daughters (pictured above), and that's about it.  But, he did get The Lifeguard's attention when he said, "America is getting screwed."  (He's right, too.  President Obama has presided over the world's largest orgy.  Of course, most people like to be kissed before they get screwed.)

Governor Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow, then said he wanted to be the "Tim Tebow of the Iowa Caucuses."  The only way that's gonna happen, Rick, is if the Iowa Caucuses have OT.  And they don't.  So, you are more likely to be the Tony Romo of the Iowa Caucuses.

Congressman Ron Paul is bugfuck crazy.  He has a buttload of followers, and he is a Third Party threat; but, he is bugfuck crazy.

Governor Mitt Romney is Bob Dole with two good arms.  He is John McCain with good hair.  He's smart, reliable, and boring.  The only thing that separates him from his two predecessors is that they were war heroes.  He is next in line, and feels a sense of entitlement; but, he's just too goofy.  (Who uses the word "zany"?)  From The Lifeguard's perspective, if he wasn't able to beat a shitty candidate (Senator McCain) in 2008, how the hell will he beat BHO in the 2012 general election.  Not only has BHO tasted power, he will have a cool bill to spend on his campaign, as well as a lot of zany union operatives who will be even tougher than the ones that Teddy K. brought in to Massachusetts in 1994.

As for the other guy on the stage, Congressman Ron Paul, he is bugfuck crazy.  24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

The Lifeguard is sure that he is forgetting someone, but he can't think of whom that might be.

Peace, brethren!  (And sistren.)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


The Lifeguard does admit that Time has chosen a few stinkers over its history; but, this one might be the flop of the century.  (Of the last one, too.)

As The Lifeguard's friend, Derek Zoolander once said, "Lucky for me no one I know reads your little Time magazine, or whatever it's called."

Saturday, December 10, 2011


The First Thing Rick Perry Has Gotten Right Since He Joined This Campaign.
The Lifeguard is the real deal.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011


"The Lifeguard Is The Shit!"
Former Vice President Al Gore knows it.  He says it loud.  He says it proud.

"I invented the internet," Gore said.

"I also created the specific instructions for solving all problems," noted Gore.  "Why else," he said, "would they be called AlGore-ithms."

"AlGore-ithms, bitch!"

"Now give me my own Nobel Prize!"


"It Was About This Wide."
So now, the world has a reasonable idea of just how well-equipped The Lifeguard is.

And, they're all jealous.  Every last one of them.

Friday, December 02, 2011

It figures...

The Subaru Forester And Occupy Boston.

A picture is worth a thousand words.


The Lifeguard has spent a lot of time saving the world; or, at the very least, trying.

Last night, The Lifeguard was chatting with a beautiful young woman, who surprisingly had two tattoos.  One was on her wrist and the other was on her inner thigh.  (Don't ask how The Lifeguard knows about that one.)  Now, The Lifeguard is not a fan of tattoos, especially on women; however, they were always useful tools to verify a girl's age.  (They've gotta be eighteen to get a tattoo.)

So, we began discussing the tattoo on her wrist--the one that said, "Angel."  She intimated that it was, ", sarcasm."  As to the other tattoo, The Lifeguard was amused at the design, and started to closely examine the artwork.  (Again, don't ask.)

Angel:  "Can you believe I had to get a fake ID so that I could get these tattoos?"

Lifeguard:  "Huh?"

Angel:  "Like, I had to get a fake ID when I was in Miami, know...Spring Break last spring.  Like, can you believe that you have to be eighteen to get a tattoo?  It's"

Lifeguard:  "Huh?"

Angel:  "I mean, all of my friends were getting them, and I wasn' to wait until I"

Lifeguard:  "Huh?"

Angel:  "I didn't want to more years."

At which point, The Lifeguard left, longing for the days when girls got fake IDs to buy booze, not to get tattoos.

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Variations on a theme.

The Lifeguard Was Out For A Run...
He fell into stride with a pleasant young woman, who wanted to talk about religion.  When she got to the subject of martyrs of the Apostolic Age, she mentioned something about crosses and crucifixion.

Then, she stopped to explain St. Andrew's crucifixion, at which point, The Lifeguard nailed her.  (But, not to a cross.)

Monday, November 28, 2011

It's official.

And, It's Not Just Because The Camera Adds Inches...

After weeks of debate, Becky O'Hara decides to get to the bottom of one of the more pressing issues facing the leaders of the world.

The bottom line?  The Lifeguard is da shit.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Bipartisan Support!

BHO Tells A Crowd The Truth!

The Lifeguard is The Eighth Wonder of The Modern World.

"I just hope he stays the hell away from Michelle," President Obama said.

The Lifeguard Loves Bush!

And Though It Might Be Painful To Admit...
Bush loves The Lifeguard.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

Now That's A Cane!
In the hopes of burnishing his credibility, the former Godfather of Godfather's Pizza attempted to demonstrate his knowledge of foreign policy and world events by confirming what Merkel and Putin have been saying.

Now that's big news.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Huntsman Was There...
He knows what Merkel and Emanuel know about The Lifeguard.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Thank you for your service.


The Lifeguard asks that you take a moment to remember those who died in the service of this great nation, be they soldiers, sailors, airmen, coast guardsmen, or Marines.

Then, thank those that work so hard to defend our freedoms from bad people who wish to do us harm.

May God bless and keep you, one and all.


Just When You Thought It Was Safe...
The Lifeguard was watching two very mediocre teams play volleyball.  There wasn't much skill on the part of the teams, and it was not unlike watching paint dry.  But for the fact that there is rally scoring, the match would have lasted forever.  And The Lifeguard hasn't heard people yelling "free ball" that much since the New York Gay Men's Chorus and The Chippendales played the 2009 Cannibal Convention at the Bellagio.

A trip to K-Mart?  Occasionally, it's necessary, if for no other reason than it's the only store in the shopping plaza.  Where else can one find a collection of freaks and morons?  (Outside of the carnival, of course.)  Not only were the aisles empty, the store smelled vaguely of ass-sweat and body odour, with a hint of popcorn and Icee.  (Sort of like the way the Occupy Wall Street compound smells, but better.)  Even the poor don't want to go into K-Mart...for good reason.  (The Lifeguard needed a full-scale decontamination after his visit.  You know, the kind you get after exposure to radiation or chemicals.)

And, what about McDonald's?  While The Lifeguard usually eschews fast food, he is drawn to McDonald's french fries like Amy Winehouse to a crack pipe.  The only difference is that crack might just be less harmful than the fries.

Presidential contender, Texas Governor Rick Perry had another stellar performance at the last debate.  Not only did he forget one of the central themes of his own campaign, he forgot it for 53 seconds.  Now, The Lifeguard is no fan of The Rickster--who is a lot like The Huckster--but, even The Lifeguard knew the three Departments that should be eliminated.

The movie, The Ides of March, starring George Clooney (as an all-white amalgam of President Barack Hussein Obama and William Jefferson Clinton), is an interesting and engaging view of a presidential campaign.  (A Democrat presidential campaign, natch.)  Was it worth $10.00?  No.  But, The Lifeguard had nothing better to do for two hours.

Is this enough mean-spirited and crass commentary for the night?

The Lifeguard says, "Yes!"

Goodnight, y'all.

Former Godfather's Pizza CEO--and Republican presidential candidate, Herman Cain has been spending the last few days defending himself against charges that he sexually harassed a whole boatload of women.  This begs the question, was The Lifeguard the only one who thought of this?

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Beautify Boston

In a stroke of absolute genius, the City of Boston, the Hub of the Universe, takes the first positive step in making one of the most beautiful cities in the world even more beautiful.

As of November 1st, all public restrooms in Boston have a strict "No Ugly Women" policy, which has been cleverly disguised as a "No Dogs" mandate.  Of course, accepting that there are attractive women in wheelchairs, they are allowed to use the public facilities.

Furthermore, as the Occupy Boston hysteria continues--and the cold weather arrives--the new policy will likely drive a significant number of the 99% from their digs on Dewey Square.  (Fortunately, Occupy Worcester is willing to accept the ugliest of the wretched refuse--which is no surprise, because Worcester is already a pretty ugly city.)

So, if you are ugly, stay away from Boston.  It's the law.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

A Modest Proposal...


President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) continued his push for a takeover of one-sixth of the domestic economy, shouting that he "...will not accept the status quo. Not this time. Not now."

This begs the question: "What's wrong with the status quo?"

Really, except for the fact that there is runaway corruption in Medicare, an over-abundance of defensive medicine, and competition-busting legislation that prevents American consumers from shopping for health-care across the nation, there is nothing wrong with the system.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

More proof that The Lifeguard is the 0.00001%

The Lifeguard Took A Steam With The Godfather
Now, The Godfather is talking about the experience.

Not in a gay way.  Rather, like a viking.

We're Already Doing This...

It's Called The Border Fence.
In perhaps the greatest show of distaste for the hoi polloi...ever, the government of Rio de Janeiro is building walls around the shantytowns that mar the city's southern districts. The efforts will allow for easier control of drugs and violence within those precincts.

You know, sort of like when the Nazis put the Jews in ghettos to make it easier to control that population.

Kiss and tell...

German Chancellor, Angela Merkel Gives It Away...
The Lifeguard has talent.

It's like (more) rain on your wedding day.

"It's Frickin' Freezing in Here."
The December weather in New England is pretty typical of, well, New England in December. And, The Lifeguard has been hearing the usual complaints from the merry band of freaks and retards who don't grasp the concept of life in a northern town.

In most regions, it gets warm in the spring, hot in the summer, cooler in the fall, and cold in the winter. In some places, there is actually snow, and people are expected to drive in the fluffy white stuff. An elementary knowledge of geology--or, the ability to read a newspaper--should be able to figure out the weather patterns for their area.

Just the other day, a man (from El Salvador) said, "Ees cold here."

"No shit, sunshine," replied The Lifeguard. "But, it's probably warm where you come from."

Well, not if that "where" is Cancun, which had record-low temperatures...and a global warming conference.


What Are They Thinking?
The Lifeguard recently took his spawn (and their friends) to the movies. This gave The Lifeguard an opportunity to engage in a little sociology experiment entitled, "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?"

Not only did The Lifeguard see a wide range of young tramps, dressed in their streetwalker best; but, it seemed that each and every one of these girls was texting up a storm. In fact, The Lifeguard is quite certain that all of the dialogue amongst friends was by way of text message. Is it any wonder that the youth of America are falling further and further behind the rest of the world.

Indeed, when The Lifeguard receives e-mails, rife with spelling and grammatical errors, along with a diet of "r u still doing this?" the chance of the survival of the human race becomes even more problematic.

For Once...

The Lifeguard Agrees
Nation of Islam leader, Louis Farrakhan believes that the United States screwed the pooch relative to Libya.

With the involvement of NATO (and the United States), a power vacuum has been created in the oil-rich North African country, and we are without a reliable means of salvaging anything good out of the morass.

Sure, Colonel Qaddafi was a murderous dictator; but, there needed to be closure.  His murder, at the hands of a rebel fighter does little to enhance America's standing in this nation.  There was no justice, as in the case of Saddam Hussein (who received a trial before his execution); and, there will certainly be some backlash as the video of his death becomes the latest YouTube sensation.

Even Amnesty International was aghast at the treatment received by Colonel Qaddafi.  (You know things are a mess when The Lifeguard, Louis Farrakhan, and Amnesty International are all on the same page.)  News that Qaddafi was sodomised with a knife demonstrates, with greater clarity, the type of people who will fill the leadership in Libya.

Sure, "God is great"; but, doesn't it make one wonder what kind of god accepts this kind of praise?  Doesn't it make one wonder about a god who's law--Sharia--tolerates mistreatment of women and other religions?

The Lifeguard notes that while Qaddafi was a cruel and vicious despot, he was entitled to the kinds of protections that the Geneva Convention mandates--and which the Coalition forces gave to Saddam Hussein.  (The shooting of Osama bin Laden does not fall in the same category--in the event that you believe that The Lifeguard is being inconsistent--since he was not the recognised head of a government.)

So, as Libya moves from an uneasy stability to what will, no doubt, become a violent civil war, The Lifeguard thanks President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ("We came, we saw, he died.") for creating one more hot spot in a world that is moved by religious fanaticism and hatred for Western values.

The Lifeguard is the 0.00001%

Boredom Led The Lifeguard To OWS
Boredom and a wicked jones for smelly, hairy hippie chicks.  

So, The Lifeguard put on his 501s and a MorganStanley T-shirt, grabbed a gross of condoms, and a bottle of whisky and headed to the Big Apple.

Not only did The Lifeguard find a group of unwashed, clueless tool bags, he also found more action than a Las Vegas casino.  Thousands of women, just hoping to get back at the Tea Bagging Man (which, ironically, happened to be The Lifeguard).  Seriously, The Lifeguard hasn't seen such easy pickings since that Pro-Abortion rally in 2009.

Women with no clue about the ways of the world, other than the fact that daddy pays their tuition at NYU; and, that their platinum AmEx works when they swipe it at Starbucks or that sweet little SoHo boutique.  Women who wear V masks and talk dirty following the sublime foreplay that is making a clever protest sign and joining in a rousing chorus of "Fuck The USA!"

Morons that think that college tuition should be free (so daddy can have an extra $50K to spend on summers in The Hamptons and a new Benz) and that everyone should get $18.00 an hour, whether they work or not.

Fuckwits that blame the GOP, even as President Obama collects more money from Wall Street than any other president.  Idiots who believe that capitalism is bad, and that America is a horrible country.  Dopes who don't understand that if they were in Syria, Iran, or Libya, they'd be arrested for their views.

Fucktards that scream for repeal of Taft-Hartley and the unionisation of all workers.  Demands for open borders (so that the dopes protesting at Liberty Square will be assured that there are no jobs for them) and a retirement age of 55.  (Of course, the retirement age will be moot, since there will be no jobs from which to retire.)

Lowering the age of majority to 16.  (Wait!  The Lifeguard can get behind that one, since he is pretty sure that the last threesome included at least one high  school girl.)  

This, of course, begs the question as to whether or not the 16 year olds will be able to vote.  (The Lifeguard is pretty sure that President Obama--who remains non-Muslim--would like to count on a cadre of idiotic teens in his re-election campaign.)

While it is interesting to note the engagement of the so-called 99%, The Lifeguard would be thrilled to see their efforts turned to more productive pursuits.  (Like personal hygiene and trash removal.)

There were drugs.  There was drinking.  There was screaming.  There was sex.  (Oh, yes, there was sex.)

So, as the cold weather arrives, The Lifeguard is going in search of shared bodily warmth and screaming...but not "Fuck the USA."

Thursday, October 13, 2011


Debate This!

Another Republican debate happened this week, bringing to 400 the number of debates held this pre-election season (and zero, the number The Lifeguard has watched).  The chattering skulls pronounced Mitt Romney to be the winner, and putative front-runner for the Republican nomination.  The polls show The Godfather, Herman Cain, to be in a statistical dead heat with the governor with great hair.

This has prompted The Lifeguard to analyse the candidates, and to offer some thoughts on the relative merits of each and every man and woman seeking the Republican nomination.  (Actually, The Lifeguard will probably only offer his thoughts on a few of them, since The Lifeguard doesn’t really care…yet.)

Although, with the First in the Nation New Hampshire primary a mere two days away, it seems as though The Lifeguard might need to start paying attention.  (Of course, it is New Hampshire, and who gives a shit what they think?)

So, let’s look at the candidates.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann:  She’s attractive.  She’s a former tax attorney.  She’s out.  Fifty percent of America’s voters will never vote for a woman (as evidenced by the fact that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton didn’t get the nomination in 2008, and she was far more qualified that either President Obama or Representative Bachmann).  Plus, she's (ever-so-slightly) insane.

Newt Gingrich:  He’s the smartest guy in the race.  He’d make a great president.  But, he’s Newt.  People will remember his mother calling Hillary! a bitch.  More people will remember his serial marriages, his Contract with America, and the fact that he was the face of the evil Republican Congress that shut down the government during the Clinton Administration.  (Of course, the government shutdown was a net gain for America, since nothing bad happened, and we were able to gain a temporary handle on our fiscal house.)

Rick Santorum:  Former conservative senator and lawyer.  He is also a bright guy, but he is a loser.  He lost a senate campaign—as an incumbent—and therefore is disqualified.  Plus, senators make shitty presidents. 

Governor Rick Perry:  He has done some great work as the Governor of Texas, but he is too slick (in a Governor Mike Huckabee sort of way).  Plus, America is not ready for another former Texas governor.  No way, no how.

Next up, the front-runners…

See y’all tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

The Audacity of the Dope...

No Wonder She Shops At Target
If The Lifeguard had charged the American people over $425,000.00 (for airfare) to travel to Africa, he'd shop at Target too.  (Actually, The Lifeguard wouldn't shop at Target.  Instead, he'd purchase his safari-wear at Orvis or Cabela's.)

Not only did the First Lady--who has incredibly toned arms--take her mother, a niece and nephew, and her two daughters (who were listed on the flight manifest as "senior staff") on this Dark Continent boondoggle, she managed to take in a safari and meet Nelson Mandela, too.   All at a time when the US economy is struggling and millions remain unemployed (or underemployed).  At the very least, she could have flown commercial, chartered a jet, or simply stayed at home.

The Lifeguard reckons that the guilt of having given the American people the finger may have evoked some guilt in the First Lady, thus prompting her to shop at Target.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
We have, as a society, gone absolutely bugfuck crazy.  Not only have women (and men) gone off the deep end in their quest to be beautiful, they have taken to do-it-yourself plastic surgery.  Recently, a woman died from injecting beef fat into her face, proving once more that truth is stranger than fiction.

The woman, a 63 year old hausfrau, had done the procedure previously, without incident.  (Well, her dogs did love to lick her face, but that is a completely different story.)  In fact, her age was more than likely the only reason that she is not a Darwin Awards nominee.  The fact that this woman has passed on her DNA is frightening, and there is no doubt in The Lifeguard's mind that her spawn will, one day, be on some sort of disability, living on the backs of the hard working men and women of America.  

There is also some lawyer, salivating, at the chance to sue America's pharmaceutical and cattle industries for producing such dangerous products as syringes and cows.  (Also a completely different story.)

The Lifeguard has no doubt that some day, Obamacare--in one of its later evolutions--will cover collagen and BoTox injections for all.

Saturday, August 13, 2011


It's Unfortunate....
The Lifeguard was listening to the radio the other day, and the great Alanis Morissette song, "Ironic", began to play. Sure, The Lifeguard thought about the irony of a song called, "Ironic", in which none of the events were ironic. (And, The Lifeguard is pretty sure that he has talked about this before.)

"Ironic" is a tough word to define, dear readers. (Even tougher to explain to a 7th grader, but that is a whole 'nother can of worms.)

"Ironic" is Dennis Wilson drowning.

"Ironic" is Natalie Wood not floating.

"Ironic" is Lou Gehrig dying of Lou Gehrig's Disease. (Did his parents ever think, "Shit! We should've named him Bob?")

Which all got The Lifeguard thinking, how is it that Michelle Obama--the black Marie Antoinette--gets away with taking forty two (42) days of holiday over the last year? That is, dear readers, one out of every nine days, eating cheeseburgers, prancing about on the public dime, and flashing those "toned arms" to adoring fans and reporters.

[Ed. Note: Calling Michelle Obama the "black Marie Antoinette" has been deemed Marie Antoinette.]

Of course, if President Obama had spent that much time on holiday, then perhaps he'd have had less time to meddle with the economy, to make speeches inciting class-warfare, or play golf. Wait! He has played a shit-load of golf. (Either that, or he has a part-time job as a caddy.)

Seriously, if the world is looking for an example of ironic, all one needs to do is take a long look at the residents of the White House, and the fuckwits who call Capitol Hill home.

Budget deal? The Lifeguard has got your budget deal right here!

Tomorrow, how The Lifeguard solves the budget crisis, gets the AAA bond rating back, and saves the world.


Wednesday, July 13, 2011


Putting the "Tonk" in Honky Tonk...
The Lifeguard recently took a trip to that beachfront paradise, Old Orchard Beach, Maine. (The pier appears above.) A mere 60 minutes from Boston, and a place where the shot, the stabbed, the pierced and tattooed can take the sun and enjoy the surf without fear of being judged by anyone other than The Lifeguard.

A brief stroll past the shops on the main street revealed tattoo parlours, piercing pagodas, and fried dough purveyors. (Remember, one must be 18 to be pierced or tattooed. However, The Lifeguard's observations revealed that a lot of people--especially young girls--have fake IDs, or boyfriends who have tattoo guns.) Indeed, there is nothing sexier than a pimple-faced teenager with stretch marks, belly scars, navel jewelry and a tramp stamp. In fact, The Lifeguard had to brace himself as he got nearer to hell (or, closer to the beach).

Upon reaching the sand, The Lifeguard encountered the cream of the crop.

There she was. A vision of beauty. A testament to years of tanning, without sun block. Her skin, like deeply tanned leather. A sun hat, hanging playfully on her cane, which was near her beach chair. I tried to turn away, but couldn't, drawn to the portable oxygen kit and the tattoos adorning her belly. Tipping the scales at a svelte 100 kilos, she was a goddess, smoking a generic cigarette and scanning the beach for men (or food).

There were pasty Canadians, speaking French and wearing Riviera Dink Suits. There were 30 year old women, trailed by a Benetton-ad's worth of kids. There were barely-legal girls, showing off their bodies, fully aware that they are built for sex. It was a frightening milieu, and The Lifeguard, after dipping his toes in the chilly Atlantic, retreated to his car.

Then, needing therapy, a drink and a tetanus shot, The Lifeguard left OOB. For good.

Monday, July 04, 2011

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


If a Republican Said It...
...he'd be pilloried. But, since it was President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) who said that Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-FL) is a great Congresswoman because, "...she's got a cute smile," it's all good.

Seriously? The leader of the party of free abortions and Weinergate, the defender of the fairer sex, gets away with this shit? Where is the outrage among women?

Hell, if the Democrat calculus was applied to Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann (R-MN), they should be elected "Presidents for Life" given that either one has a far better smile than Wasserman-Schultz. But, then again, these are the same morons (i.e., Democrats) who think that Mrs. Obama has "...toned arms."

Clearly, the "D" no longer stands for Democrat; but, rather, for "Dumbass."

Now, this is not to say that Republicans are not immune from stupidity (or immorality). In fact, they also have these traits in spades. [Ed. Note: That is a bridge reference, not a racist comment.] The difference is that when Republicans show their feet of clay, the media rips them a new orifice. With Dems, it's different. It's okay.

If only Anthony Weiner (heh heh, Weiner) had just said, "Yeah, I sent the pictures," the tempest would have been over. Instead, he lied and dissembled, before coming clean. (Pun intended.) Similarly, then-President Clinton waved his bony finger in our faces, on national television, and said, "I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky." (Women praised President Clinton for using one of their own as a receptacle. Go figure.)

The tragedy here is that America's resources are squandered on things like Clinton's infidelities (The Lifeguard was horrified...that the most powerful man in the world couldn't get better than Lewinsky), then Senator Larry Craig's "wide stance" ("Just because guys fuck me in an airport bathroom doesn't make me gay"), or Rep. Weiner' (To quote Bill Maher, Weiner's greatest sin is that, "...he didn't get any." To quote The Lifeguard, Weiner's greatest sin is that he sent pictures of his weiner, which, experts say, is more like a Vienna sausage or cocktail frank.)

And, for the record, The Lifeguard's schlong has converted to Judaism and legally changed its Anthony...Weiner.

Now, where is Congresswoman Wasserman-Schultz's telephone number?

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


A Moat? That Sounds Good.
President Obama, feeling empowered after leading the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, spoke to a group of Latino voters (some legal, some...not so much), telling them that he was the man who got Osama, and that he was the man who would recreate a Mexican paradise here in America. (If only those wascally Wepublicans would cooperate.)

Saying that he wanted immigration reform, and that he had single-handedly secured the border, he mocked those who are demanding completion of the border fence, deportation of illegal immigrants, and troops on the border to stem the tide of illegals.

"Maybe they'll need a moat," the President said. "Maybe they'll want alligators in the moat," the President remarked, in response to peals of laughter.

Which brings The Lifeguard to what we, as Americans, need and want.

First, we want a secure border. Not only does a crime occur every time an illegal immigrant crosses our border, those individuals do enormous damage to the United States. They carry drugs, weapons, and disease. They bring baby factories into the United States, women who will crank out "anchor babies," born in US hospitals, draining the resources of an already over-burdened health care system. (And, with policies that lean toward keeping families together, these babies provide a basis for leaving the illegal parents here in America.) Additionally, these illegals buy documents, obtain driving licences, and (probably) vote in our elections. (After all, no one seriously checks identification at polling places.) Finally, they take jobs (albeit crappy ones) from Americans, who are desperate for employment.

Second, we like law and order. By granting a "path to citizenship" to people who are illegally in the United States, the administration spits on those who are going about the immigration process legally. Now, if all of the illegals would leave and reapply, then maybe The Lifeguard will get on board.

Finally, using an ethnic group as a pawn for re-election smacks of the worst kind of racism. The kind of racism decried by President Obama (and Democrat politicians). By purchasing their votes, on the backs of the rest of us, the value of American citizenship is cheapened. The future of America is made more grim.

So, before we get ahead of ourselves on immigration reform, could we get a quote on that moat?

Monday, May 02, 2011


Admit It. You've Missed The Lifeguard.
Dateline, Abbottabad, Pakistan. Terrorist mastermind, Osama bin Laden is still dead.

And while President Obama gave the order to take down the leader of Al Qaeda, the intelligence from the facility at Guantanamo Bay was integral to making it all happen.

So, The Lifeguard gives special thanks to Presidents Bush and Obama. (The former for opening the detention facility, the latter for keeping it in operation.) More importantly, The Lifeguard thanks the men and women of our armed services, as well as the men of Seal Team Six, for helping bin Laden keep his appointment with Allah.

Oh, and for the record, "There is no 'Seal Team Six.'"

A few more thoughts.

Isn't there a bit of irony that Pope John Paul II was beatified on the same day that Osama assumed room temperature? Can't we just give JP II credit for this "miracle"?

Why can a morbidly obese policeman stop The Lifeguard for speeding? The Lifeguard can't stop him from eating donuts. (And, The Lifeguard pays for his motherhumping insurance.) Seriously, The Lifeguard understands that some people struggle with their weight; but, when a 6' tall cop weighs over 300 pounds, and can't fasten his seat belt because he can't get it over his stomach, he is too damn fat.

$4.25 for gasoline? And all the while, oil and gas drilling permits are being held up by the EPA. Seriously? If the United States is not going to grab some oil in Libya and Iraq, then we should be grabbing it here at home. And, if you think gasoline prices are bad here, check out Germany. Yes, it is true that there is a lag between exploration and drilling; but, the mere issuance of a statement about increased drilling has the effect of lowering oil prices. It's happened in the past. It can happen again.

Why does any toll road have pot holes? The state collects the money for that reason, so why isn't it used for repairs. (Maybe it goes to pay toll takers?) It would make so much more sense to take down the tolls, give every driver a FastLane (or EZ Pass) and charge them accordingly.

Will the next Royal Wedding get as much press as the last one? Does anyone care?



Training A SEAL Team: Classified

Running A Black Op: Classified

Killing OBL With A Head Shot: Priceless

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter, From The Lifeguard
The Lifeguard only wishes he could "save" like He does.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


Who Watches Golf on Television?
More to the point, who records golf on television for viewing at a later time? Seriously, who does that?

The Lifeguard received a call on Thursday morning.

Friend: "Uh, hello. Lifeguard?"

Lifeguard: "You got him."

Friend: "Hey, um, I had to go out of town for a funeral. Would you go to my house, break in, and record The Masters?"

Lifeguard: "You're kidding, right?"

Friend: "No. I am serious. I am going to take Monday off so that I can watch the tournament. I mean, it's going to be hard to avoid any news on the tournament, but it's really important to me."

Lifeguard: "Um, yeah. What are friends for?"

The Lifeguard understands recording NCIS or The Royal Wedding (The Lifeguard will be in attendance, naturally).

Oh, and on my friend's door, I left this note on Sunday night:

"Holy shit! Who'd have thought that Charl Schwartzel could have pulled off the win?"

Saturday, April 02, 2011

They Are Probably Looking For Some Harassment
The Supreme Court heard oral arguments in what could be the most significant case of the century. The women seek to represent the class in a sex discrimination suit against Wal-Mart, claiming that their experiences are indicative of a culture of discrimination at the Arkansas-based retailer.

Of course, the only winners, if the Supremes uphold the Ninth Circus Court of Appeals (who allowed the certification, 10-9, sitting en banc), are the lawyers who represent the women.

Their fees could be close to a billion dollars, including costs and expenses. Not a bad day's work. Each woman, on the other hand, would end up with about $1,000.00 in back pay and compensation. (Just enough to put down a payment to secure some liposuction or other cosmetic surgery.)

Aside from the fact that certifying a class in a case where every claim of discrimination is different, it smacks of the worst sort of Oprah-style justice, where every man is an ogre, and every woman--all 1.5 million of them--a victim.

One can only hope that the Supremes get this one right.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Like Father, Like Son...
Colonel Muammar Gaddafi (who is a Muslim) and President Barack Hussein Obama (who is not) are seen together, sharing stories about life, love and their mutual friend, The Honourable Minister Louis Farrakhan.

In this context, it is easy to see why President Obama took the easy route and let the French, the United Kingdom, and the rest of the world take action against the Libyan leader, who is putting down--brutally--the uprising by his people. In fact, President Obama was dragged, kicking and screaming (figuratively speaking, of course) into this morass, a day late and $500 million short.

Indeed, were it not for Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton (who, apparently, has the balls in this administration), the United States would still be on the sidelines. Not only did she urge action in this matter, she has been on the vanguard, the public face of America's response to Gaddafi's insolence.

But, to his defence, President Obama has had other things on his mind, like his Final Four picks (both men and women), a trip to Brazil, and lunch. In fact, one could make several comparisons.

The first, to the Roman Emperor, Nero, who fiddled while Rome burned. Similarly, President Obama seems to be dedicated to avoiding any action that might jeapordise his chances at re-election. Said Obama, "The American public is so fucking stupid, they will have forgotten everything by the next news cycle, so all I have to do is lay low." (Well, he didn't really say that; but, it seems to be a fair assessment of his strategy these days.)

The second, and more telling comparison, is to President George W. Bush and his administration. For eight years, we were shelled with accusations that President Bush was just a figurehead, who did nothing while letting his much smarter vice president carry the heavy load. (Of course, this ignores all that President Bush did do, but that is another post for another day.)

In this administration, Obama does nothing, Vice President Joe Biden opens Amtrak stations, and Secretary Clinton does the heavy lifting.

If anyone is listening to The Lifeguard, he offers Secretary Clinton the following suggestions to solving the Libyan problem.

First, work closely with the French and British to find out Colonel Gaddafi's whereabouts, then kill him, either with assets on the ground or with air strikes. (Maybe the Colonel and one of his sons will be together, and the sniper could get a "Quigley.") Every statement should begin and end with the admonition to Gaddafi, "We are coming to get you."

Second, get some reasonable intelligence about the strength of the rebel forces. It seems that this is all happening in a vacuum, and that the United States doesn't seem to know what is going on in country. This dude, Gaddafi, is bugfuck crazy, and has resorted to terrorism in the past. He has no qualms about bombing his own people, or about terrorising the world. (The Lifeguard was in that disco, in Berlin, just days before it was bombed in April, 1986.)

Finally, protect the oil fields in Libya. While this isn't our primary goal, it is in the top two. Gaddafi has the means (and the desperation) to pull a Saddam, and that is not good for anyone, anywhere in the world. If there is going to be blood shed, we might as well get a few quarts of 10W30 out of it.

In the meantime, The Lifeguard is watching the news reports and monitoring the situation. President Obama is having a late breakfast.
Who Is This Chick? Why Is She Still Here?
The last thing that the Lifeguard remembered on Thursday was going to the bar for a few pints of Guinness.

The next thing The Lifeguard knew, it was Monday and she was asking for breakfast and a ride to the airport.


Happy belated St. Patrick's Day, y'all.

Friday, March 11, 2011


The Lifeguard Prays For Japan.
The morning was somber, as news reports of the massive earthquake poured into The Lifeguard's sanctum sanctorum. The 8.9-magnitude quake rocked the Japanese capital and caused significant damage; but, thankfully, a relatively small death toll. The Japanese stock market fell 1.7 percent, and oil slid below $100.00 a barrel on news of the earthquake.

President Obama was awakened with news of the quake, and offered his support and prayers. The Reverend Jesse Jackson noted that, "This is what happens when power is stripped from the unions."

For the Greenpeace crowd, four of Japan's nuclear reactors were safely shut down; and, survived one of the worst earthquakes since 1900. The government ordered the evacuation of about 3,000 people, as a precautionary measure; but, was working to restore the cooling function of the reactor. Sure, the news reports might be a bit terrifying, given the media's capacity to scare people shitless about nuclear power; but, the fact remains that the epicentre of a massive earthquake caused the plants to be shut down, safely.

In other news, The Lifeguard wonders why, in the name of all that is holy, is Adam Sandler's, Eight Crazy Nights motherhumping March?!?

How much must it suck to have ugly cousins?

Why in crikey fuck would Barack Hussein Obama (who is still clearly not a Muslim) say that it is easier to be the President of China? Well, duh! Are we to assume that BHO would like to order the shooting of American students in Times Square? Or, keep the working classes down with state control of the media and a reduced flow of information? Or, just sell out America to China, in hopes of getting his second term there?

How long will it take for someone to take some action in Libya? It seems that France and Britain are on the vanguard, with the United States eerily silent. The upside is that there will be many new construction jobs created in the North African nation, as well as a near-certain surge in oil production as Colonel Gadaffi struggles to pay for new construction.

The remake of The Karate Kid sucks.

Murder by Death, however, does not.

Peace, y'all!

Pray for Japan.