Monday, March 21, 2011

Like Father, Like Son...
Colonel Muammar Gaddafi (who is a Muslim) and President Barack Hussein Obama (who is not) are seen together, sharing stories about life, love and their mutual friend, The Honourable Minister Louis Farrakhan.

In this context, it is easy to see why President Obama took the easy route and let the French, the United Kingdom, and the rest of the world take action against the Libyan leader, who is putting down--brutally--the uprising by his people. In fact, President Obama was dragged, kicking and screaming (figuratively speaking, of course) into this morass, a day late and $500 million short.

Indeed, were it not for Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton (who, apparently, has the balls in this administration), the United States would still be on the sidelines. Not only did she urge action in this matter, she has been on the vanguard, the public face of America's response to Gaddafi's insolence.

But, to his defence, President Obama has had other things on his mind, like his Final Four picks (both men and women), a trip to Brazil, and lunch. In fact, one could make several comparisons.

The first, to the Roman Emperor, Nero, who fiddled while Rome burned. Similarly, President Obama seems to be dedicated to avoiding any action that might jeapordise his chances at re-election. Said Obama, "The American public is so fucking stupid, they will have forgotten everything by the next news cycle, so all I have to do is lay low." (Well, he didn't really say that; but, it seems to be a fair assessment of his strategy these days.)

The second, and more telling comparison, is to President George W. Bush and his administration. For eight years, we were shelled with accusations that President Bush was just a figurehead, who did nothing while letting his much smarter vice president carry the heavy load. (Of course, this ignores all that President Bush did do, but that is another post for another day.)

In this administration, Obama does nothing, Vice President Joe Biden opens Amtrak stations, and Secretary Clinton does the heavy lifting.

If anyone is listening to The Lifeguard, he offers Secretary Clinton the following suggestions to solving the Libyan problem.

First, work closely with the French and British to find out Colonel Gaddafi's whereabouts, then kill him, either with assets on the ground or with air strikes. (Maybe the Colonel and one of his sons will be together, and the sniper could get a "Quigley.") Every statement should begin and end with the admonition to Gaddafi, "We are coming to get you."

Second, get some reasonable intelligence about the strength of the rebel forces. It seems that this is all happening in a vacuum, and that the United States doesn't seem to know what is going on in country. This dude, Gaddafi, is bugfuck crazy, and has resorted to terrorism in the past. He has no qualms about bombing his own people, or about terrorising the world. (The Lifeguard was in that disco, in Berlin, just days before it was bombed in April, 1986.)

Finally, protect the oil fields in Libya. While this isn't our primary goal, it is in the top two. Gaddafi has the means (and the desperation) to pull a Saddam, and that is not good for anyone, anywhere in the world. If there is going to be blood shed, we might as well get a few quarts of 10W30 out of it.

In the meantime, The Lifeguard is watching the news reports and monitoring the situation. President Obama is having a late breakfast.
Who Is This Chick? Why Is She Still Here?
The last thing that the Lifeguard remembered on Thursday was going to the bar for a few pints of Guinness.

The next thing The Lifeguard knew, it was Monday and she was asking for breakfast and a ride to the airport.


Happy belated St. Patrick's Day, y'all.

Friday, March 11, 2011


The Lifeguard Prays For Japan.
The morning was somber, as news reports of the massive earthquake poured into The Lifeguard's sanctum sanctorum. The 8.9-magnitude quake rocked the Japanese capital and caused significant damage; but, thankfully, a relatively small death toll. The Japanese stock market fell 1.7 percent, and oil slid below $100.00 a barrel on news of the earthquake.

President Obama was awakened with news of the quake, and offered his support and prayers. The Reverend Jesse Jackson noted that, "This is what happens when power is stripped from the unions."

For the Greenpeace crowd, four of Japan's nuclear reactors were safely shut down; and, survived one of the worst earthquakes since 1900. The government ordered the evacuation of about 3,000 people, as a precautionary measure; but, was working to restore the cooling function of the reactor. Sure, the news reports might be a bit terrifying, given the media's capacity to scare people shitless about nuclear power; but, the fact remains that the epicentre of a massive earthquake caused the plants to be shut down, safely.

In other news, The Lifeguard wonders why, in the name of all that is holy, is Adam Sandler's, Eight Crazy Nights motherhumping March?!?

How much must it suck to have ugly cousins?

Why in crikey fuck would Barack Hussein Obama (who is still clearly not a Muslim) say that it is easier to be the President of China? Well, duh! Are we to assume that BHO would like to order the shooting of American students in Times Square? Or, keep the working classes down with state control of the media and a reduced flow of information? Or, just sell out America to China, in hopes of getting his second term there?

How long will it take for someone to take some action in Libya? It seems that France and Britain are on the vanguard, with the United States eerily silent. The upside is that there will be many new construction jobs created in the North African nation, as well as a near-certain surge in oil production as Colonel Gadaffi struggles to pay for new construction.

The remake of The Karate Kid sucks.

Murder by Death, however, does not.

Peace, y'all!

Pray for Japan.

Monday, March 07, 2011


Vatican Assassin Warlocks!
Witches and warlocks united to save Charlie Sheen from himself, casting spells intended to turn his life around and save him from "...bangin' seven gram rocks..." and porn stars.

The Lifeguard had hoped for something a little more sinister, like voodoo dolls and animal sacrifices. (The Lifeguard assumes that these are good witches and warlocks?) And, if there are any virgins who are afraid of falling victim to some sort of crazed human sacrifice, please feel free to ring The Lifeguard.

Converting virgins is just another way that The Lifeguard saves.


Wednesday, March 02, 2011



Yesterday, The Lifeguard was watching the end of the awful Miley Cyrus vehicle, The Last Song. Like watching a thirty car pileup, September 11th footage, or any interview with Charlie Sheen, The Lifeguard kept watching, wondering if Greg Kinnear really did die, just to get away from the wooden and talentless Ms. Cyrus. Indeed, if she weren't kinda hot (and worth a bazillion dollars), she wouldn't have anything going for her. (Well, she does have a pretty good voice...and great legs.) If this crap graces your TV screen, change the channel...or gouge out your eyes.

Another great film, Daylight, was on recently. The Lifeguard wonders why, in the interest of appeasing the part of the world that hates us, the World Trade Center's twin towers weren't digitally removed from the film's ending scenes. Seriously, The Lifeguard still gets pissed whenever he sees a picture of the New York skyline.

Indeed, had The Lifeguard been the mayor of New York City, (almost) the exact same towers would have been rebuilt with all due dispatch. Except, they'd have been taller, stronger, and more visible as a sign of America's might (and New York City's resilience).

Any Stallone film, with the possible exceptions of Rocky V and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, is worth watching; and, if the Rocky series is playing, give The Lifeguard a 30-rack and a bag of White Castle cheeseburgers.

Finally, why, in the name of all that is holy, does everyone from Buenos Aires (in the movie, Starship Troopers) look Anglo?