Sunday, December 30, 2007

The New England Patriots joined the Miami Dolphins and the Chicago Bears as the only three teams to complete regular season play with no losses.

This is an amazing accomplishment, and the Patriots deserve kudos from The Lifeguard, a life-long Miami Dolphins fan. It has been thirty five years since a team made it through unscathed; and, it may be another thirty five years before another team does it.

However, the 1972 Dolphins are unique--they went wire-to-wire without losing a game. And, they did it without their starting QB (Earl Morrall took over after Bob Greise was injured). Could the Patriots have won 16 without Tom Brady? And, the Dolphins, though playing the easiest NFL schedule in years, won with a pounding ground assault and a smothering defence.
Also, the Dolphins were not fined a total of $750,000.00 for breaking NFL rules. (Some argue that happened in 1970.)

So, congratulations to the pink-hat wearing Patriot Nation. But, before you start crowing about matching the accomplishments of the 1972 Dolphins, win the Super Bowl. Otherwise, shut the fuck up!

Thursday, December 27, 2007


Fans and supporters of Hillary! were pissed that this picture appeared in the newspaper. Pissed because it showed Hillary! as she is--an older woman.

Immediately, her advocates screamed, "Foul!" They claimed sexism, agism, and the natural prejudice against people who look like they went twelve rounds with Floyd Mayweather.

The fact remains, however, that Hillary! has been spending a lot of time on defence. Defence of her record (or lack thereof), her life choices, and her campaign strategy.

The saddest part, however, is that this picture forces Hillary! to deal with the 900 pound elephant in the room. Wait, bad analogy, since elephants are fat, wrinkled and grey.

The saddest part is that Hillary! is now forced to confront the one thing that she wanted to avoid. That she is a woman. This is difficult for the candidate for whom her sex was irrelevant (except for when it wasn't).

When one enters the race for President (or attains the office), and allows access to the media, a person must certainly expect that at least one unflattering picture will make the front page (or The Drudge Report). It happened to Governor Michael S. Dukakis (tank shot), to Senator John Forbes Kerry (D-MA, in the clean suit), to former President George H.W. Bush (at the supermarket checkout), or to President George W. Bush (after choking on a pretzel, crashing his mountain bike, or reading to kids as Islamic terrorists flew airplanes into the World Trade Center).

So, while Hillary! would like us to believe that she is judged by different standards than every other man in the race, she is not. The photographers are feeding the hungry maw of the 24 hour media beast. Any chance to show our heroes (and politicians) in an unfavourable light will be leapt at, like a Siberian Tiger attacking a taunt-hurling patron of the San Francisco Zoo.

And, while some might see it as sexist, realise that the old adage about staying out of the kitchen if you can not stand the heat is more true today than at any other time.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas!

The Lifeguard wishes you and yours a very Merry Christmas.

I hope that Santa Claus brings you--and yours--all that you have wished for tomorrow.

Most of all, I pray for peace and joy in the New Year, and for the safe return of all our nation's men and women serving in the military.

The Sailor's Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, the ship was out steaming,
Sailors stood watch while others were dreaming.

They lived in a crowd with racks tight and small,
In a 80-man berthing, cramped one and all.

I had come down the stack with presents to give,
And to see inside just who might perhaps live.

I looked all about, a strange sight did I see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.

No stockings were hung, shined boots close at hand,
On the bulkhead hung pictures of a far distant land.

They had medals and badges and awards of all kind,
And a sober thought came into my mind.

For this place was different, so dark and so dreary,
I had found the house of a Sailor, at once I saw clearly.

A Sailor lay sleeping, silent and alone,
Curled up in a rack and dreaming of home.

The face was so gentle, the room squared away,
This was the United States Sailor today.

This was the hero I saw on TV,
Defending our country so we could be free.

I realized the families that I would visit this night,
Owed their lives to these Sailors lay willing to fight.

Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grownups would celebrate on Christmas Day.

They all enjoyed freedom each day of the year,
Because of the Sailor, like the one lying here.

I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas Eve on a sea, far from home.

The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.

The Sailor awakened and I heard a calm voice,
"Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice."

"Defending the seas all days of the year,
So others may live and be free with no fear."

I thought for a moment, what a difficult road,
To live a life guided by honor and code.

After all it's Christmas Eve and the ship's underway!
But freedom isn't free and it's sailors who pay.

The Sailor says to our country "be free and sleep tight,
No harm will come, not on my watch and not on this night.

The Sailor rolled over and drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.

I kept watch for hours, so silent, so still,
I watched as the Sailor shivered from the night's cold chill.

I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night,
This guardian of honor so willing to fight.

The Sailor rolled over and with a voice strong and sure,
Commanded, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas, and All is Secure!"*

*Author unknown.

Sunday, December 23, 2007


In the event that people think that The Lifeguard is some sort of Neanderthal (which, frankly, I take as a compliment), check this shit out:

On December 19th, I noted that a vote for Hillary! was a vote for energy independence (because liposuctioning her ass-fat would create more oil than the Prudhoe Bay find of 1968).

Saturday, Hillary! proclaimed that "...electing her President will cut the price of oil."

She went on to say something about alternative fuels (bio diesel made from her ass-fat?) and a reduction of America's dependence on foreign oil.

Score one more for The Lifeguard.


In a recent revelation, it was learned that the grisly deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were not hits by Colombian drug lords; but, rather, an honour killing by a convert to the so-called "Religion of Peace."

That's his story, and he's sticking to it. Or, it should be his story.

It seems that the religion, whose fanatics we are battling in The War Against Terror, love to mistreat women, because they are...well...women. (In a side note, former President Clinton is trying to prove that someone...anyone...banged Hillary! Then, he could have her killed, to preserve the honour of the only elected US President to be impeached. After all, he feels right at home in the Muslim world, so moving to Dubai would be A-OK with him.)

If your daughter goes out without her hijab, strangle her. If your son fucks a girl from another tribe, someone gets to gang-rape his sister. Leave your husband because he beats the shit out of you, kill her for causing shame. After all, we need to protect the honour of the family. Strangely, though, fucking a goat (or a camel)--or blowing yourself to bits--doesn't seem to cause all that many problems for you or your family.

Strangely, however, there are folks that don't have a problem with this, mainly because they don't want to impose their morality on anyone. They don't want a backwards-thinking religion to feel like there is anything wrong with wanting to mistreat Christians and Jews, gang-rape or stone women, or live in the ninth century.

So, if OJ wants to get right with Allah
, then he should say that he converted to Islam. Everyone would accept that. Jail-house conversion, and all. Then, he could come out with the truth. He killed Nicole because she was with Ron, on her porch, without her hijab. And, since she was uncovered, and he was a Jew, the killing gets the imprimatur of the Mullahs.

My advice for MOJhammed: Pack your shit--including your sticks--and move to Tehran. You would be a fucking god. They might even get your Heisman Trophy back.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

"I'd vote for her."
Senator Hillary! (D-NY), the not-so-front-runner has just learned that she may well have the upper hand in the 2008 Presidential race. As a consequence of environmental researchers having nothing better to do, they have learned that liposuctioned fat can be converted to bio diesel. No shit.

In fact, one of Hillary!'s supporters*, Pete Bethune hopes to skipper his (ugly) powerboat, Earthrace on a carbon-neutral circumnavigation, courtesy of bio diesel, some of which was squeezed from fat folks. In fact, enough bio diesel was produced from just three people--Bethune and two others--to make the vessel travel 15km.

Which brings us back to Hillary!

Wait, a gratuitous fat joke at Christmas? No, I couldn't do that. Too mean.

I mean, really, it would be too easy to say that Hillary!'s ass would be the biggest oil find since Prudhoe Bay. And, what of Oprah's endorsement of Obama? Really, she's gotta be worth an ass load (no pun intended) of liposuctioned fat that could be made into fuel. Or John Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth Edwards? She's dying, but what the hell. Her husband has thrown her under the bus already. Why not just render her and put her in the bus. New Mexico's governor, Bill Richardson is kinda chunky...and he used to be Secretary of Energy. He's a lock.

Then, I started thinking. What about that gaseous turd, Senator Edward M. Kennedy? No wind farm in your backyard? Well, then. How about we lipo your fat ass and power a few tanks. Or better yet, he could donate his lard to Joe "For Oil" Kennedy, to keep the old folks warm.

Senator Charles "Putzhead" Schumer (D-NY)? Senator Arlen "Douchebag" Specter(D-PA)? Maybe they aren't that fat; but, the lard between their ears would make a nice lamp oil.

In fact, there is so much fat--and fat-headedness--in Congress that the real energy bill should have required that every senator and representative be liposuctioned; then, every man, woman and child with a BMI over 30.

This is huge! This is like knobbin' two birds with one connie. (Thanks, Ali G!) The solution to obesity and energy dependence, all in one neat package.

So, truck your fat ass down to the doctor and tell them that you want to do your part for the environment...and to make America energy independent.

Or, call 1-866-ASS2OIL.

Your children's future depends upon it.

*As far as I know, he's not really a Hillary! supporter. Just a whacko.

Thursday, December 13, 2007


I am not a fan of the New England Patriots. I don't have the visceral hatred for them that my friend, S. (a Duke Divinity School student) had for the Carolina Tarheels basketball team ("I say a prayer every night that Dean Smith and the Carolina basketball team will perish in a fiery bus crash."). Nor do I have the feelings that most Red Sox fans have about the New York Yankees.

I respect Bill Belichick as a great coach; and, this Patriots team as a true dynasty. Even with the 2007 New England Patriots flirting with perfection, poised to unseat my (1972) Miami Dolphins as the only team to have a perfect season, I can say that this is one amazing team. And, as much as I liked Dan Marino as a QB, I think Tom Brady might just be the best quarterback...ever.

I like the fact that the Pats pull no punches when they play. No margin of victory is too large; no lead is large enough. They roll over teams like shit goes through a goose. Just the way that it should be.

And, when people complain about the Pats running up the score, I say, "Fuck off!" Like I noted above, no lead is large enough, no margin of victory is too large. Blow the doors off of the other teams, I don't care. I know that what goes around, comes around. I remember when the Pats were the laughingstock of the NFL (not unlike my Dolphins are now). I also respect the fact that, for the most part, the fans of the lousy Patriots stuck with them (like my cousin, T).

What, however, I can not understand is the reaction, by fans of the Pats, to the so-called "Spy-Gate" morass.

"Everyone does it." (Just like people said, of impeached President Bill Clinton, "Every president gets a blow job from a chunky intern in the Oval Office.")

"They (who the fuck is 'they'?) just want to get even with the Patriots for being so good."

"The NFL wants to protect the 1972 Dolphins." (This is one of the more bizarre comments that I have heard. What the hell does the NFL get for protecting the 35 year old record of an average team that won with a great defence, a grinding offence, and a lot of luck?)

The fact remains, gentle readers, that not every team does it, at least not so openly, from the sidelines. Cameras hidden in the stands? Maybe. End zones? Definitely. In fact, the NFL requires that home clubs "...provide visiting clubs with equal vantage points for the taping of games." (Boston Herald, p. 71, 13.12.2007)

And, the Patriots had at least one (and maybe two) chances to cut the shit. The Jets (and head coach, Eric Mangini) reported the Patriots to the NFL for taping their signals during a September 17, 2006 game. The Jets didn't have the camera confiscated, so they had no evidence of the Patriots' cheating. At least one other team failed to gather physical evidence of the taping during the 2006-2007 season; and, undaunted, the Patriots continued filming from the sidelines.

Then, at the 2007-2008 season opener, at the Meadowlands, the Jets hammered the Patriots, getting Matt Estrella's camera, and the tape. As a consequence, Belichick, was fined five hundred thousand ($500,000.00) dollars; the team a cool quarter mill and the loss of some draft picks. (The NFL couldn't forfeit the game
because there was no way to make things right with the sports book if they did.) As of right now, there will be no asterisk (*); but, look for Mark Ecko to press for one if the Pats remain perfect.

Which brings us to this weekend, at Gillette Stadium (in beautiful Foxborough, Massachusetts). The Jets come to town, hoping to survive the ass-whipping that the Patriots will surely be planning. Mangini hopes to make it out alive. The bookies hope that the Pats cover the 23 1/2 point spread.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Question: Which Clinton Has Been With More Black Women Than Barack?

If this were a story about Hillary!, it might be news. Unfortunately (for Hillary!), it is about former Co-President William Jefferson Clinton.

Indeed, that great sucking sound you hear is Bill getting all of the press, while his wife, Hillary! stews and makes shrill cackling noises. Oh, and while she stands by her man (who is, undoubtedly, the biggest political rock star ever).

Andrew Young, former Atlanta mayor, UN Ambassador, and civil rights icon, speaking in an online interview, noted that Hillary! "...has her husband behind her, and that Bill is every bit as black as Barack (who isn't very black)."

Young went on to say, "[Bill] has probably gone with more black women than Barack."

What a bunch of racist Bravo Sierra. Really, the only thing that could have made these comments more offensive to blacks and women would have been for Young to say that "...Hillary! had Jungle Fever when she married Bill"; and, "...that it was too bad that Bill had to marry a fat-assed white woman, when there were so many fine sisters out there."

Of course, my hope is that Andrew Young has a daughter, and that Bill shagged her rotten while he was waiting to go on-stage.

At least Senator B. Hussein Obama married a black woman. Hell, that should be worth all of the votes of all of the black women. After all, he's good enough for Oprah.

The thing that I find so funny is that Bill has probably been with more white women than Barack, too. In fact, Bill is probably giving (the late) Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain a run for his money. And, even funnier...if Hillary! gets elected, and she sends Bill off as a "Roving Ambassador Without Portfolio", it is almost guaranteed that he will go with more black women in his first week on the job than Barack has in his lifetime.

Then, what will Andrew Young say?
Tasteless Costume...

But if she had been a Muslim student, named Saad Saadi; and, was at another Pennsylvania university, all would be forgotten.

This chick goes to a party, dressed as a Virginia Tech student, and people are pissed. A swarthy Mediterranean type goes to a party dressed as a suicide bomber and he gets his picture taken with the president of the university.

The fact remains that if someone chooses to go to a costume party dressed as a minstrel singer (complete with black face), or as a Nazi, people will be screaming from the rooftops for their heads. The world has gone absolutely bugfuck crazy, and has lost all sense of decorum.

Either anything goes, costume-wise; or, we proscribe displays of free speech.

The principal difference between the hot chick and the suicide bomber is that the president of Penn State was smart enough to stay the fuck away from her (and any cameras that might have been in the room). I didn't fault Saad for his costume, I faulted President Gutmann for being such a fucktard.

Maybe the other difference is that the elites in the media were more likely to have gone to UPenn than to Penn State, so they are just a little willing to look the other way.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Never Forget...

Today is the 66th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbour. The Lifeguard encourages everyone to say a prayer for those lost on that lazy Sunday morning, and to remember that to ensure the peace, we must remain ever vigilant. To ensure the peace, we must always be prepared for war.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

The Power Of Prayer...

I was chatting with my friend, J, this morning. He asked me what I thought about the Briton who went to prison for naming a bear Mohammed. I told him that I thought that it was absolutely insane that naming a Teddy Bear "Mohammed" was considered an insult, especially in light of the fact that these same sword-wielding camel-humpers think that it is an honour to the Prophet to name your future suicide bomber Mohammed.

J proceeded to tell me about his multi-cultural moment, at a local parking garage, where the attendant had strolled over to a handicapped space to pray.

J and his son, walking to the stairs from their car saw the gent spread out his prayer rug, after confirming that it was facing Mecca. ("Get-a, get-a, get-a Garmin.) They stopped, watching him prostrate himself, then listening to his prayers.

After a moment, J's son said, "Dad, I hope that fuckin' carpet doesn't take off on him."
Movie Starring Nicole Kidman Opens Friday...

That is all. Just a lame excuse to post a picture of Nicole Kidman.

Senator Hillary! (D-NY) came out swinging, suggesting that Senator B. Hussein Obama (D-IL) has "...too little experience and...too much ambition."

Isn't that the proverbial pot calling the

The funny thing is that neither Clinton, nor Obama, have any experience as a chief executive (notwithstanding Hillary!'s stint as co-president). Neither possess a record, to speak of. Neither has distinguished themselves by anything other than their endorsements (Oprah, Barbra, David, and Rob). They both, however, possess an assload of ambition.

And, my friends, ambition is no basis for electing someone, anyone, to any office.

Frankly, I find Hillary! to be too divisive (you think GWB has divided this nation?) and too poll-driven, to be an effective president. And, she's already said that she is sending her husband, the only elected president to be impeached, off on an ambassadorial mission (where he, no doubt, will be getting more ass than a toilet seat), so she loses an effective advisor.

B. Hussein Obama, on the other hand, has no fucking clue. He did nothing as a state senator (from Hillary!'s Illinois); and, he has done nothing as a US Senator (which might, in fact, be a blessing).

So, with fewer than 70 days until the first caucus, expect the shit to fly.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

"Call me Mohammed!"

In a rational response to a Briton naming the classroom Teddy Bear, Mohammed, the camel-humping, sheet-wearing, bath-eschewing Muslims of The Sudan took to the streets to protest the lenient sentence given to Gillian Gibbons, a well-meaning Briton.
Sword-waving Yassin Mubarak raged: “What she did requires her life to be taken.” Others demanded an even more severe punishment.

This highlights several points.

First, what in the name of all that is holy is Yassin Mubarak doing with a sword? Last I checked, this is the twenty-first century. Civilised, rational people don't take to the streets with swords.

Second, is Islam even a real religion? These people speak in terms of a powerful and gracious god; and, yet, they do everything possible to make the outside world think of them as murderous crackpots and practitioners of some illegitimate cult that demands stupidity and violence as the ticket to Paradise.

A woman travels to a Third World backwater to try to teach children--a selfless and gracious act--and for her trouble, she is sentenced to fifteen days in prison for her faux pas. All because she insulted their precious prophet. If Mohammed were worth his salt, he'd take the fact that the Teddy Bear was named for him as a compliment; or, at the very least, an attempt at a compliment. Instead, Mohammed (who is still dead), through an angry mob, gets pissed. Would Jesus do that? Buddha? Hell, even Shiva would take this in stride. Of course, in most Muslim countries, naming a Teddy Bear for the Son of Man would probably lead to an even more severe punishment than Ms. Gibbons has received.

Third, Ms. Gibbons was dimed out by Sarah Khawad, a pissy co-worker of hers. As a result of Ms. Khawad's telephone call, Ms. Gibbons ultimately ended up in a horrific prison, with conditions that would make the Hanoi Hilton or Abu Ghraib look positively heavenly.

As an aside, it is queer that the left (e.g., the UN, the Third World, and Senator Edward M. Kennedy) derides America (and her allies) as ghastly for our treatment of terror suspects and unlawful combatants; and, yet, they do little (or nothing) to effect a change in Cuba, Venezuela, Iran, or any other anti-Western state.

We hold the UN and the Geneva Conventions up as paragons of morality, but don't complain when the Third World ignores them. The Iraq War is unlawful (some say); but, these same people are willing to look the other way at (the late) Saddam Hussein's violation of a Cease Fire (and seventeen UN Resolutions). Zimbabwe's President, Robert Mugabe, is a darling of the left even though he has destroyed the Zimbabwean economy, while creating a new form of Apartheid. The late Yasser Arafat (of PLO fame) was given billions for his people; but, no one complained too loudly when he pocketed most of the dough (and gave the rest to his cronies). And, for the record, he did pretty poorly by his constituents, given that most still languish in refugee camps.

Finally, doesn't this insanity demonstrate the fatal flaw with our approach to Radical Islam? I am not proposing a modern Crusade; but, it seems pretty clear that the practitioners of the so-called Religion of Peace can not get along with anyone, not even their co-religionists. Sunnis kill Shiites. Shiites and Sunnis kill Christians and Jews. They do this, with the imprimatur of their religious leaders, because it is good to kill the infidel (and other Muslims who don't agree with the sword-wielding dopes of a given sect).

Any religion worth anything would be tolerant. Instead, the Muslims are afraid. Very afraid. Why else would martyrdom operations (i.e., murder/suicides) be so prevalent in the Muslim world (and places where the West seeks to foster and grow democratically elected governments)? Why else would the murder of innocents be applauded? Why else would people be converted by the sword? Why else would those wishing to leave Islam be guilty of apostasy (and subject to the death penalty)? Why else would rape victims be flogged (or put to death)? What kind of religion treats women as second-class citizens? Why else would non-Muslims be barred from entering Mecca?

We, as civilised people, need to understand that we are fighting a group of poor, illiterate, unwashed morons who are more interested in 72 Virginians in Paradise than peaceful co-existence. We are battling people who saw off the heads of Westerners for shits and giggles, and who believe that flying innocent-laden jet-liners into buildings makes for good public relations.

This is why Israel fights. This is why we are in Iraq and Afghanistan. This is why we must elect Republicans (or, at the very least, not any Democrats) here at home; and why we must support our allies abroad. Sure, President George W. Bush has made mistakes; but, a lack of concern for the disenfranchised is not one of them.

And, this is why The Lifeguard is never going to The Sudan.