Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Callista asked for the truth about The Lifeguard.

Newt Said, "You Can't Handle The Truth!"

Tuesday, February 28, 2012


Kenneth Clyde Jackson Was Naked At Work Because He Was Hot
Well, not that hot.

Of course, maybe the fellas in the Texas State Penitentiary will have an opinion somewhat different than The Lifeguard.  (Or, maybe they won't care.)

Monday, February 27, 2012


Tar Baby
The Lifeguard remembers great moments in Mitt Romney history.

Back in the day, when Governor Mitt Romney was a moderate Republican governor, he left the big city for the cornfields of Iowa, to speak at a Republican gathering.  Just a friendly gathering (not like he was exploring the possibility of a run for the White House, or anything like that).  

There, the well-coiffed one was asked a question about the Big Dig, the now-outdated rat-hole into which $16 billion taxpayer dollars were dumped.  He paused.  He reflected.  He said, ``The best thing for me to do politically is stay away from the Big Dig -- just get as far away from that tar baby as I possibly can."

Now, The Lifeguard doesn't think for a minute that Governor Romney meant this in a racially insensitive way (or, that he was referring to the Toni Morrison novel); but, the general public ain't that smart.  (And, it's those "not that smart" voters that Mitt needs to get in order to win the nomination, then the general election.)  Seriously, the controversy over this term has kept Disney from releasing "Song of the South" on DVD. 

Still, The Lifeguard finds it amusing that this story has not yet made it into the political dialogue.  (If Governor Romney gets the nod, however, The Lifeguard is giving even money that some pro-Obama Super PAC will make hay with this story.)


The Lifeguard Skis!
The Lifeguard took off for a much-needed holiday, tearing up the slopes at a New Hampshire resort.  As good as the conditions were, The Lifeguard states, unequivocally, "It ain't Utah."

Still, The Lifeguard had a great time, unplugged from the outside world.  But, a lot has happened, and it seems appropriate to comment on those happenings right here.

  • A silent film won the Academy Award for Best Picture.  Why wasn't the acceptance speech done with subtitles?
  • Former Senator Rick Santorum (Loser-PA) blew up in the last Republican debate when he said that he voted for No Child Left Behind (which, ironically, was written with help from the late Senator Ted Kennedy) because he was taking one for the team.  Now, he has gone on the attack, trying to convince voters that he can win as a conservative.  The Lifeguard wonders how this can be, when he couldn't win, as a conservative incumbent, in Pennsylvania.
  • Occupy Denver protesters threw urine bombs at Denver police.  What kind of unwashed morons do this kind of thing?  Why don't the police clear them out of their encampment?  Could it have something to do with the fact that the Denver Police Union likes the fact that their members get all sorts of overtime for monitoring the behaviour of the protesters?  (The Lifeguard notes that the Boston Police didn't seem to mind standing around the Occupy Boston camp.  And, they got $1.4 million in overtime for doing it.)
  • Why do skiing New Yorkers have to act like...well, New Yorkers?  The Lifeguard was nearly run over by clueless skiers bombing down the hill with reckless abandon.  The worst part?  New Yorkers skiing out of control tend to sport the latest and greatest helmets, which make them all the more deadly as they career down the mountain.  And, while The Lifeguard is not a fan of wearing a helmet when skiing, he thinks that it might be better if they were required attire.  [Note to presidential candidates:  American helmet manufacturers could profit.  As long as they aren't designed by the same guy who designed the Chevy Volt.]
That's all for now.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


She Didn't Need A Bodyguard...
Whitney Houston (who died in a bathtub in the Beverly Hilton Hotel) needed a lifeguard.

Suck it, Costner.  If only the pop diva had hired The Lifeguard, she'd be alive today.

(The Lifeguard could also explain the real reason she had a gravy boat with her.)

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


If You See An Iranian Carrying One Of These... like hell.  In the opposite direction.

Now that Iranian hit squads are tooling around with boom boxes* packed with explosives and ball bearings, The Lifeguard is going to be extra cautious.

As an aside, what sort of music does a suicide bomber listen to (on his boom box**) when he is"BOOM"?  The Lifeguard votes for "Sex Bomb" (by Tom Jones).

*    Pun intended.
**  Pun still intended.

Today tastes so good...

Hellena Louise Smith had a jones for a bucket of fried chicken and a 40.  So, she hopped in "The Ultimate Driving Machine" and went to "The Ultimate Frying Machine" to satisfy her craving.

Sadly, she lost control of her car as she tried to power slide into the parking lot, causing it to flip over and over, before it went into the drive-through window.  (Well, the new drive-through window.  The one that you can drive through.)

The Lifeguard does love his fried chicken; but, the Colonel, with his wee beady eyes and that smug look on his face, isn't worth dying for.  (Maybe Bojangles.  Possibly Popeye's.  Not KFC.)

Oh, I got the memo.

"I Was Out All Night And Didn't Have Time To Change"
When asked about her outfit choice, Secretary of State Hillary! (Clinton) noted that she had been out, partying like a rock star in Los Cabos, Mexico.  

"We started out drinking cerveza, and the next thing I knew, I was lined up with a bunch of college girls to do body shots with an American tourist," Mrs. Clinton said.  "When I found out it was The Lifeguard, I called Chancellor Merkel on my sat phone and asked for the 411," Clinton remarked.  

When asked about The Lifeguard, Clinton held up her hands and said, "It's true.  It's true!"

The G20 will never be the same again.


A fifty-year old douchebag goes batshit at Disneyland--ironically, outside the Tower of Terror ride--and provides plenty of terror to the park's patrons.

It seems to The Lifeguard that if you and your family shell out a butt-load of money to go to see Mickey, you shouldn't have to see a lunatic get pepper sprayed, you should get to see park security bust a cap in the guy's ass.

For $250.00 a day, The Lifeguard wants gun-play.  For an extra $50.00, the chance to pistol-whip the belligerent.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Whitney Houston...still dead.

And I Will Always Love You

WhitneyHouston, pop-music icon died after years of drug use.  (Whitney didn’t abuse drugs, she flat out used the shit out of them.)

At the direction of Governor Chris Christie, all of the flags in New Jersey, her home state, will fly at half-mast.  (Similarly, Frank Sinatra and Clarence Clemons got the same honour.)  Her funeral will be streamed, live, on the internet.  The music world will mourn her passing for years to come.

For The Lifeguard, the biggest surprise in the story is that Tyler Perry has his own mother-humping plane.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

What happens if he catches him?

Joseph Kennedy III to Run For Barney Frank's Seat...

Given Hot Bottom's age, I don't think he'll have to run that fast.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


We Need Another Republican Debate
It's getting pretty hard to be funny when The Lifeguard has a shortage of material.

Wait!  There is no shortage of material, just a lazy Lifeguard, languishing in the lap of luxury, laughing at little lies of the Left, large ladies, and lastly, liberal lunacy.

  • Chicago, it was recently discovered, is the most corrupt city in America.  Okay, who didn't know that?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Seriously, the Windy City is already the punchline for any joke about political corruption.  Even the dead people who voted for President Obama in 2008 know that Chicago is a mess.
  • Speaking of President Obama (the man who ousted Gaddafi, killed bin Laden, and stopped the rise of the world's oceans), his most recent accomplishments appear to be an 83% rise in gas prices since taking office, a massive investment in America's green energy companies, and a nearly-nuclear Iran.  The only thing he hasn't done is propose reducing America's own nuclear arsenal by 80%.  
  • Nuclear weapons, in the right hands, are a great deterrent to the tyranny of other nations.  (Let's see, it's been about 67 years since anyone has used a nuke.  Sounds like it just might be working.)  Iran, however, does not have the right hands.  Any culture, built on the callous disregard of human life (and the promises of 72 Virginians in Paradise) should probably not be in Club Nuke.  
  • Rick Santorum is surging.  Mitt Romney is drifting.  Newt is done.  Ron Paul is still bugfuck crazy.
  • Speaking of the race for the Republican nomination, would we really want people to Google "President Santorum"?
  • A Greek newspaper depicted German chancellor, Angela Merkel, in a Nazi uniform.  Just because Merkel wants the Greeks to get their financial house in order, she's a Nazi?  Hey, here's an idea.  Rather than worry about Greece (and their economic situation), the rest of the EU should simply not travel to Greece.  (It's old, dirty, and filled with Greeks.)  Rather, those Euros wanting a Greek vacation should travel to Disney World's Epcot Centre.  Greek food, pleasant weather, nearby beaches, and no signs written in funny letters.  Plus, Tarpon Springs has the largest population of Americans of Greek descent, so it's a win-win.
  • The Lifeguard recently watched the excellent Good Guys Wear Black.  Chuck Norris has one of the most luxurious moustaches in the history of cinema.
  • President Obama spent Valentine's Day dining with the First Lady.  At an expensive D.C. restaurant. Because he's the Leader of the Free World, bitches.
  • The Lifeguard spent Valentine's Day with the Swedish women's soccer team.  (They wanted to work on ball-handling.  The Lifeguard helped them out with that.)
  • Zurich, Switzerland is the most expensive city in the world to live.  (Keeps out the riff-raff.)
  • Post Office closings are bad?  The Lifeguard was recently in the local PO to pick up some stamps.  There was no counter attendant, so he rang the bell (as instructed by the sign).  After three minutes (of listening to two postal workers talking about something other than getting The Lifeguard his stamps), he rang again.  Another two minutes passed before the attendant rudely announced that she'd be with The Lifeguard " a minute."  Finally--fully seven minutes into the endeavour--The Lifeguard shelled out his $45.00 for a coil of stamps.  With that kind of service, it's no wonder the Post Office is such a mess.  (And, it's a great surprise that The Lifeguard didn't get shot by the angry worker.)
All right, y'all.  That is all...for now.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Black History Month Remembers...

Whitney Houston
Pop-music icon, Whitney Houston is, as of this writing, still dead.

She remains dead, along with Osama bin Laden, Princess Diana, and General Ulysses S. Grant.

Kevin Costner, The Bodyguard, has been summoned for questioning.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

HFWTFMF?!? Part Deux

She's Not A Man
The Lifeguard wants to know why the most militantly pro-abortion women are the ones that The Lifeguard doesn't want to fuck.


Mama Told Me To Never Trust A Woman With A "First-To-Third" Comb-Over
Even when she thinks abortion is a blessing.  

Wait!  What?  Did The Lifeguard read that correctly?  "Abortion is a blessing."

The Lifeguard is, for once, speechless.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Oh, baby!

Ann Coulter Can Only Look To The Heavens As She Describes The Lifeguard

She kept screaming, "Thank you, Jesus!"

Maybe because she was excited that The Lifeguard had come.  Or, that he had risen.  (And, she didn't even have to wait three days.)

Wednesday, February 08, 2012


Prime Time Television
The Lifeguard was in the middle of watching some college basketball...while having sex with a college girl.  (Ever the considerate lover, The Lifeguard was doing her doggy-style so she could watch the game as well.)  

And then, there was a television time-out (and commercial) for...Plan B

Now, fucking up won't have any consequences.


Valentine's Day Is Coming
And, The Lifeguard wants to suggest a few gifts that you, dear reader, should avoid.  Like the plague.  Like Michelle Obama, in a McDonald's, on Free French Fry Day.  Like a group of students at UMass-Amherst, if you are wearing a New York Giants jersey.

First, any bouquet of flowers that has carnations, or a rainbow theme.  The Lifeguard is not big on flowers on Valentine's Day.  (The Lifeguard is still wearing the horse collar from Valentine's Days past when he gave women flowers...and got...heartache.)  But, The Lifeguard's travails notwithstanding, The Lifeguard notes that no woman wants to get a shitty vase filled with shitty multi-coloured flowers at her workplace.  Especially if they come from a place like ProFlowers.  Seriously, dude, the last thing you need if you want to get laid on Valentine's Day (or, any other day, for that matter) is to have your girlfriend get some crappy buds from some internet florist.  Not only will it look like you picked them up from the homeless guy on the corner, every last woman in her office will be abuzz with the fact that you spent $19.95 for a last minute gift.

Second, pajamas.  If you buy from Victoria's Secret, you'll seem presumptuous (or desperate).  If you buy on-line, you're getting flannel, footie pajamas, or both.  Sure, you'll have spent five times as much as you did for the crappy flowers; but, you're still not getting laid.

Third, a star.  Does The Lifeguard need to even say more about this?

If you stay away from this shit, you might stand a chance at making it to February 15th with a girlfriend.  If you don't, you're going to need some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

Monday, February 06, 2012

Not the MVP.

It's No Corvette
Giants' QB Eli Manning was the Super Bowl MVP.  He got a Corvette, which (in reality) was paid for by the American taxpayers.  (Which is to say, "Mainly Warren Buffett's secretary.")

As the losing QB, Tom Brady got a Chevy Volt (shown above).  

(And, no, it wasn't set on fire by surly Pats fans at UMass-Amherst.  It burst into flame on its own accord.)


He Gets The Lifeguard's Vote
People are in a dither about Rep. Pete Hoekstra's Super Bowl advertisement.  Something about racism, insensitivity, xenophobia, and stereotypes.

The Michigan Republican, who is running for Senator Debbie Stabenow's seat, has been called a racist for the advertisement.  The Lifeguard doesn't care, however.  It's a poignant ad (what with all of the discussions about America being beholden to China), which hits a raw nerve because it speaks (on some level) the truth.

Think about it for a second.  The advertisement is meant to portray a Chinese China.  The Lifeguard thinks that she speaks pretty good English for a Chinese woman in China.  (Better, certainly, than The Lifeguard's Mandarin.)  Second, it highlights the fact that unskilled workers in China are taking unskilled manufacturing jobs from unskilled American workers.  (Again, The Lifeguard would like to see China pay a fair wage; but, then again, The Lifeguard would also like to see an auto worker from Flint speak Mandarin.  Or, a high school student in Detroit speak English, for that matter.)  Finally, the advert advert.

Seriously, if people want to get pissed off about something, it should be what little has been done to preserve American manufacturing jobs (lower corporate tax rate, anyone?), or to educate Michigan's students.  (The racism is not in this advert, but the fact that predominately-black Detroit has a functional illiteracy rate of 47%. Just sayin'.)

Common sense dictates picking your battles.  If I were Debbie Stabenow (or her supporters), I might find another one.


The Book of Eli!
The Lifeguard settled in for a night of Super Bowl excitement with a bowl of Chex Party Mix, a trough of salsa and guacamole (and enough tortilla chips to feed the Mexican army), a gallon of Maker's Mark, and a tray of chicken enchiladas.  It was going to be a night of solitary pleasure in the midst of one of the most exclusive Super Bowl parties on the North American continent.

In preparation for the big game--the XLVIth installment of the American institution that is the Super Bowl--The Lifeguard read the scouting reports for the Giants and the Patriots, watched the pre-game analysis, and enjoyed the excellent movie, The Replacements.  

It was a replay of Super Bowl XLII, when the Eli Manning-led Giants upset the Patriots, 17-14.  A battle between New York and Boston.  A duel between two of the NFL's greatest gunslingers, Eli Manning and Tom Brady.  The fact that the game was played in Indianapolis (in the so-called "House That Peyton Built") made things a little more bizarre.  (Indy is an AFC rival of the Patriots.  Eli's brother Peyton is the QB of the Colts.  Indianapolis is an unlikely venue for the Super Bowl because there no beaches, few hotel rooms, and a dearth of strippers.)

Nevertheless, The Lifeguard wanted to offer his morning-after thoughts on the big game, the halftime show, and the commercials.
  • Cris Collinsworth suggested that if Tom Brady led the Patriots to a Super Bowl victory, he and head coach Bill Belichick would become the greatest QB/Coach combo in NFL history.  (5 Super Bowls, 4 wins.)  The Lifeguard wonders whether Terry Bradshaw/Chuck Noll isn't actually the greatest combo.  (4 Super Bowls, 4 wins.)  Or, Joe Montana/Bill Walsh.  (Not as many Super Bowl wins; but, Bill Walsh changed the way NFL teams played offense.)  It didn't really matter, however, since Tom Brady (and the Patriots) pulled a Peyton Manning and lost, 21-17.
  • At the store, Bud Platinum was flying off the shelves.  Apparently, New England fans wanted shitty beer, with 6% alcohol content (by volume), so that they could be drunk by halftime.
  • The much-awaited Ferris Bueller commercial sucked.  Not only did it suck, it made me think that the Honda CR-V sucks, too.  (And The Lifeguard has seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off about one hundred times.)  And, to the person who remarked that Matthew Broderick was so lucky to have such a great commercial and be married to the beautiful Sarah Jessica Parker, The Lifeguard suggests you go here.
  • Jerry Seinfeld's commercial for the Acura NSX was equally sucky.  The Lifeguard was hoping that Seinfeld would fall from the zip line (and that Jay Leno would crash and burn with his jet pack).  Well, actually, they did.  Figuratively.  A classic example of taking funny people and making them unfunny.
  • Madonna was, in a word, amazing.  Of course, she was following The Black Eyed Peas (who did last year's show), so The Lifeguard, playing a kazoo while dressed in a sling would be amazing.  Wait.  The Lifeguard, wearing a sling is amazing.  What The Lifeguard meant to say was that after the crappy halftime shows the last few years, anyone would be good.  Madonna was great.
  • The Lifeguard missed the finger during the halftime show.
  • Who the fuck is M.I.A.?  Why hasn't The Lifeguard ever heard of her?
  • Is The Lifeguard the only one who wishes that Gisele Bundchen would shut the fuck up?
  • The Book of Eli was playing on one of the movie channels.  While the Super Bowl was being played.    Delicious irony.  (Crappy movie, delicious irony.)
  • A lot of tattoo ink was on display.
  • Tom Brady is a very good QB.  So is Eli Manning.  The Lifeguard can't imagine a game with two more amazing 4th-Quarterbacks.  Indeed, the outcome of this contest was in doubt right up until the last second.
  • Too many commercials.  Wait.  Too many bad commercials.
  • The Coca-Cola commercials, with the CGI polar bears, made me hate polar bears.  Seriously, the worst fucking commercials of the entire Super Bowl.
  • The Giants could run the ball, at will, which opened up the air attack for Eli Manning.  The Giants had been a poor running team all season.  They averaged 4.1 yards per carry, keeping the New England defense on the ropes.
  • Manning to Manningham.
  • Time of possession (Giants) and Turnover Ratio (Giants) were the keys, in The Lifeguard's opinion.
  • This was a great game.  Awesome!
  • The officials were even better.  They did a fantastic job, and deserve kudos for their performance.
Have a great Monday.  Remember, a little hair of the dog that bit you might just make this a better Monday.  

(Now, if The Lifeguard can just get these strippers to go home...)