I LOST MY F*&#ING CELLPHONE!

And, frankly, I have never been happier. No ringing (or vibrating) devices, no ridiculous calls, no contact with the outside world when I am out of my office.

It is fantastic.

The first 22 years of my life, I managed to function in society without the need for a cell phone. Then, tragedy struck, in the form of a gigantic brick of plastic, about the size (and weight) of a...well...brick.

The next generation cell phone was a device hard-wired into my car. It was fantastic...until a deranged ex-girlfriend got into my car and placed a call, leaving the minutes to rack up until the car battery died. Shortly thereafter, the phone was discarded, and I was cell-phone free until 1991, when I got another car phone.

Unfortunately, the phone made me accessible--too accessible--to everyone. It was downhill from there, as I chased the Holy Grail of technology, moving from one phone to the next, each one smaller and more feature-packed than the last.

And while I never got to the D-rock special (as used by Four-Time Male Model of the Year, Derrick Zoolander), I did get a pretty small phone, complete with text messaging, e-mail capabilty, and three hundred different games. It was fantastic. I had my life in the phone--numbers, addresses, important dates--and now it is gone. And I am thrilled.

Everytime I hear some self-important turd talking, loudly, about his (or her) urgent needs, I realise that just a few short weeks ago, I was that guy. I ignored friends and family to take (or make) just one more call. The phone was glued to my ear, and I heard the ringing all of the time.

And having a cell phone meant that I had to remember to turn it off when I went to court, or to a meeting. I had to turn it on when I left, so I wouldn't miss the next important call. I was a slave.

(Humourous aside: I was in court once, and a defendant awaiting a pre-trial conference on drug charges, answered his cell phone in court.

Ringing

Defendant: "Yo. Hang on."

Court Officer: "Turn off that phone."

Defendant: [Leaving the courtroom, over his shoulder.] "I gotta take this."
[Then, into the phone.] "Dog, what up?"

I noticed, when I left the courtroom, moments later, that the Defendant was being placed under arrest, by the detective who had placed the call requesting a drug buy while the clown was in court.

Thank God for stupid criminals.)


Calls from clients at 3:00am, calls from friends who were in the middle of their day, just wanting to chat. And while it was nice to be wanted, I felt very unloved. Because of my instant accessability, at any hour of the day or night, on any continent in the world, there were no respites, no vacations.

So, the next time you are thinking of making (or taking) that call, think about the world you are missing.

The problem will be there when you get back to your office.