Friday, February 29, 2008

The Way It's Meant To Be...

Senator B. Hussein Obama (D-Kenyan Village) gives us (as Hillary!--the girl candidate--points out) "...change we can Xerox."

He becomes a god.

A man about whom nothing bad can be said. You can not call him a liberal, because that's too mean. You can not call him black, because he is multi-racial. You can not criticise him for belonging to a Black Power church, because that is not true (even though the church recently honoured Minister Farrakhan). You can not use his middle name, because "Hussein" scares people. Any complaint about B. Hussein Obama results in cries of racism.

There is no questioning his policies or beliefs.

He is a rock star (and we all know what experts they are).

On the other hand, Tim Goeglein--an aide to President George W. Bush--commits a few acts of plagiarism, and he is forced to resign.

In a perfect world, the media--and the rest of the followers of the Cult of Obama--would realise that this empty suit is far from ready to sit in the big boy chair at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

But, our world is far from perfect.

Otherwise, we wouldn't be talking Global Warming in the coldest winter since 1966. We wouldn't be complaining about the price of oil when we are sitting on huge reserves in ANWR, off the United States Gulf Coast, and clean, reliable nuclear power.

I am not saying that Barry should drop out (as did Senator Joe Biden--a man eminently more qualified to be President-- back in 1988); but, I am suggesting that Barry should be held up to the same scrutiny as every other person who has run for the highest office in the land.
I Missed The Memo....

The one that advised the entire heterosexual world that the Mazda Miata was the quintessential gay ride.

As an unrepentant straight guy, you can imagine my chagrin when, a decade after I dumped the Miata, I heard from someone that the diminutive Mazda was so gay that just riding in the car could make a man long for another man. To make the driver want to take that long ride to Brokeback Mountain.

What the hell did I know? It was a fun car. Inexpensive transport, with nice tight handling and a firm ride. (Apparently something that some men look for in other men. Who knew?)

Perfect for New England, where we have a few months of reliably warm weather, followed by nine months of brutally unpredictable and shitty weather. I never drove it in the snow, though I did take it out a few times in December.

Like the Triumph that my dad owned, the Mazda looked better with the top down than up. It had a nice exhaust note. It was fun to drive. It was basic.

Unlike the Trumpet, it always started (no vapour lock in this one). It had a good heater. It did not have an electrical system by Lucas (The "Prince of Darkness").

For the record, I am not playing for the other team. Not now, not ever.

Oh, and my Miata never had a bumper sticker. Ever.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

What a Tool

Senator John Sidney McCain, III Says He's Sorry.

Bill Cunningham, a Cincinnati-area chat show host, referred to Senator B. Hussein Obama, using his middle name, "Hussein."

This happened while he was introducing Senator McCain at a campaign rally.

Afterwards, Senator McCain apologised, and said that he respected and admired the putative Democrat nominee. Even if he wears a dress.

Let's analyse the facts, shall we?

Senator Barack Hussein Obama is named for his father, Barack Hussein Obama, a Kenyan Muslim. Senator B. Hussein Obama's middle name is actually "Hussein."

What's the problem? President John Kennedy was John F. Kennedy. President George Bush is George W. Bush. President Richard Nixon was Richard Milhous Nixon.

People are often identified using their middle names, and Senator McCain should have recognised that. But, he can't. Because he is a tool.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

More Dirty Tricks

"Which Way To The Ovaries?"

In another blast from the past, The Lifeguard remembers the picture of Presidential hopeful, Senator John Forbes Kerry-Heinz (D-MA). You know, the picture of the junior Senator from Massachusetts (who served in Vietnam), crawling through Rosie O'Donnell's left fallopian tube.

Actually, it was the right.

Campaign manager, Mary Beth Cahill, called the release of the photograph "...a dirty trick."

Funnily enough, Senator B. Hussein Obama (who never served in Vietnam) has called Hillary!'s release of the picture of him in the African dress (really, it's a dress) a dirty trick. And others seem to be on to the fact that Hillary! might just be a racist.

Really, Barry. May I call you Barry? Until you are the President--when you have an excuse for wearing dopey-looking local garb--you had better think twice about having cameras around when you are visiting NASA, Fort Knox (where there are tanks--and tank helmets), or Somalia (or whatever God-forsaken Third World toilet you were in when you put on that dress).

Otherwise, deal with it.
Say What You Will...

President Bush looks better in a flight suit than Senator B. Hussein Obama looks in a dress.

Of course, President Bush was once a fighter pilot. Was Senator Obama a chick? Or, just a tool?

Picture courtesy of Susan Sterner.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Michelle Obama Gets In Touch With Her Roots...

The wife of Illinois Senator (and putative Democrat Presidential Nominee) B. Hussein Obama tries on some authentic African garb.

She selected the outfit for the Oscars, and wore it on the red carpet, where she was praised by the media and the Hollywood elite.

Mrs. Obama chose the dress to show just how proud she is to live in a country where you can wear whatever you want, without fear of scorn and ridicule being heaped upon you by bloggers, Hillary!, or white males from Opp, Alabama.

Said Mrs. Obama, "The dress really accentuates my figure, and I think I look pretty good. As good as Jennifer Garner, though that racist, Gary Busey didn't try to kiss my neck."

Wait a tick.

That is not Michelle Obama. That is Senator B. Hussein Obama.

Fuck it, I am going to re-read Heart of Darkness.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Senator Joseph Robinette Biden, Where Art Thou?

Last Thursday, in an attempt to stanch the flow of blood from her wounded campaign, Senator Hillary! Rodham Clinton delivered one of the best political retorts ever. Sadly, Hillary! has the oratorical skill of a hare-lipped third-grader on helium, so she turned a chicken salad line into chicken shit. She even got booed.

She remarked that Senator Obama, who has admitted to borrowing the speeches of Governor Deval Patrick (D-Sedan DeVille), was not offering "...change we can believe in; [but rather]...change we can Xerox."

Now, riddle me this, Batman. How, in the name of all that is holy, can Senator B. Hussein Obama get away with straight-up plagiarism when a similar occurrence derailed the Presidential campaign of Senator Joe Biden? (Biden, it seems, had borrowed from Neil Kinnock, always giving him credit for the lines. Except once, when cameras were present, and Senator Biden forgot to attribute the lines to Kinnock. This was caught by the Dukakis Campaign and Biden was done.)

Is it because the public today is more ignorant than they were back in 1988? Probably.

Is it because Hillary is less likable than former Governor Michael Stanley Dukakis (D-Greek Immigrants)? Most assuredly.

Is it because we, as a nation, have a nasty case of White Guilt? Absoeffinglutely.

I am not saying that Senator B. Hussein Obama is not a smart man. He is. And, one day, he may be qualified to hold the highest office in the land. But, the fact remains that he has run (wisely) a campaign of platitudes and promises, punctuated by the fact that he is a charismatic (and handsome, to some people) black man, supported by a charming (and, to some people, beautiful black woman) wife.

Opposing him is a grizzled, scandal-plagued veteran of many nasty campaigns--Senator John Sidney McCain, III--and Senator Hillary!.

In our vapid, substance-free, diversity-driven, educationally-shortchanged society, Obama is like 24's President David Palmer. Except that Dennis Haysbert, the actor who portrayed President Palmer is probably more prepared to be POTUS than Senator Obama.

And, there is the rub. Obama gets away with avoiding substance because he is more likable than Hillary! A better orator than Hillary! A better actor than Hillary!

But, truly, if we all were sold a bill of goods by the media's anointing of Senator McCain, shouldn't we also be equally skeptical of the media's pronouncement of Senator Obama's inevitability? Shouldn't we actually look, not at the Senator's words--well, Governor Patrick's words, as delivered by Senator Obama--but at his record, what he supports, what he believes in.

He has a paper trail, and he sometimes speaks the truth about his convictions (e.g., family income of $75,000.00 = wealthy; or, the U.S. taking unilateral action in Pakistan if they won't). Asking him difficult questions is not wrong. It is not racist to challenge him on his inexperience or lack of substance.

If Senator Obama truly stands for change we can believe in, then he needs to tell us what it is that he believes.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

That Actually Took Less Time Than I Thought It Would...

The New York Times ("We trash more Republicans before 9:00am than all of the other newspapers in the world, combined.") took a journalistic dump on its favourite Republican, maverick Senator John Sidney McCain, III (R-Keating Five).

The man has mathematically eliminated Governor Mike Huckabee, and driven all of the other competition--save for Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX)--out of the race. He is poised to face either Senator Clinton or Obama, and he could win against one of them, if only the Republicans would get out and support him.

In order to ensure that doesn't happen (and if the whole Keating Five thing weren't enough), the Times beat up on McCain, like the staff of the Hanoi Hilton did so many years ago.

The Times suggests that Senator McCain, the man who abridged the Constitution, has done some unethical things.

My first reaction was, "A politician doing unethical things?" Of course, there are some ethical members of the Con...ha, ha, ha. No, I can not even type that with a straight face.

Then, I thought, "Maybe the Times editorial page has a genuine scoop." But, the story is mostly unsourced.

Finally, I settled on the truth. That the Times was waiting until Senator McCain was inevitable; and, that Governor Romney had endorsed him (another flip-flop if he now unendorses Senator McCain). This gives most Republicans, who already had a bad taste in their mouths about the Arizona Senator, yet another reason to place him in a burlap bag and beat him with reeds (hypothetically speaking, of course).

Of course, the Times has the Obama Defence on which to fall back:

"Just words."

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Obama Ohemama*

Last night, Senator Barack Hussein Obama (D-IL) gave a speech in Wisconsin, punctuating the smackdown that he gave to his opponent, Senator Hillary! Rodham Clinton (D-NY).

In the speech, he made several points, including then need to raise the minimum wage (to make the employment of illegal aliens--for low wages--all the more attractive), his promise to get Americans out of Iraq (so that we can send troops to Darfur to end the genocide), and the knock against capitalism that we expect from the Democrat candidate (and the brother of Fidel Castro).

My favourite part of the speech, however, was when he thanked his mama. He talked about how she reared him after his father screwed, when he was two. How she nurtured him.

Now, every crack-smoking, baby-making woman who cranks out a kid with a funky name will think that she can raise a future senator, or Presidential candidate.

The more important lesson, the one that is lost on most of America, is that kids who grow up with only one parent (who is usually not as educated as Obama's mama) have a tough go of it. Things are more difficult when the parent has no back-up (and the child has no father-figure).

Indeed, Obama is the exception to the rule. An exceptionally bright man (Occidental College and Columbia for undergraduate, Harvard for law school), with the magnetism of a rock star and the oratory skills of a preacher at a tent revival. He made it, against incredible odds.

And now, a man with no useful experience is just one election away from the White House, in large part because of his life.

Obama can't offer the executive experience of Governor Romney; but, he can offer hope. He can not offer the first-hand White House experience as Senator Clinton; but, he can offer change. He can not demonstrate the legislative record of Senator McCain; but, he does offer words.

Just words.

*Obama owes his mama.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Hillary! Hates Hookers...

Even while her campaign serves as a high-profile political pimp.

First, MSNBC's David Shuster gets suspended for being so bold as to speak the truth.

Really, all he said was that the Clinton Campaign was using Chelsea to put a pretty face on things. To charm the crowds, to collect the money, and to screw America. (At least with a hooker, you might get a kiss first.)

Then, today, Hillary! said that Chelsea (and those like her) are not doing any real work.

Chelsea felt the pimp hand, and the pimp hand was strong.

I can hear it now:

Hillary: "Bitch, get out there and raise me some money."

Bill: "Yes, dear."

Hillary: "Chelsea, when you gonna git a job? A real job. A gummint job. None o' dis hedge-fund shit."

Chelsea: "Mom, I work."


Hillary: "Feel the sting of my pimp hand. Now git yo bony ass out there and git me some mo' money and some mo' votes. He'p make momma da President."

Good times. Good times.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

I Am Mad As Hell And I Can Not Take It Anymore...

I was depressed last night so I called the Suicide Hot Line.

First, they put me on hold. Then, my call was forwarded to a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

Too Bad!

It escapes me why anyone would have said anything about the United States Navy using an SM-3 missile to shoot down a spy satellite. Well, it doesn't escape me, because some former-Soviet general, with an itchy trigger finger, might have misinterpreted the bloom as the AEGIS anti-missile missile (with an MSRP of $10m) lifted off from USS Lake Erie.

I would have kept the whole thing secret--because it is no one's damn business--until I knew it had worked; or, at least until about two minutes before the launch. That way, I wouldn't have to listen to the Russians, Al-Jazeera, or the communist wing of the Democrat Party.

Your tax dollars at work. And, oh soooo cool.

Friday, February 15, 2008

But, She Didn't Apologise To The People of Georgia...

Jane Fonda, a guest on the Valentine's Day edition of NBC's Today, said something that got the juices flowing (pun intended).

When asked about the Eve Ensler play, The Vagina Monologues, Fonda said "...blah, blah, blah, I was living in Georgia...blah, blah, blah...cunt...blah, blah, blah."

In the social intercourse that is Today, the use of the word, cunt, was slipped right on in, by the censors. She just dropped it in, and no one noticed, immediately.

Shortly thereafter, Meredith Viera, the Today presenter, apologised to the world for the innocent use of the word, cunt.

But, neither Viera, nor Fonda, apologised to the people of Georgia for Fonda's insult.


Monday, February 11, 2008

"Show her you know her this Valentine's Day"

But, don't expect to get anything more than a black eye and a large stuffed animal shoved up your ass if you buy her a handmade Vermont Teddy Bear.

Show her you are a tool? Maybe. Show her that you are a thoughtless douche? Perhaps. Give her friends and co-workers a tangible reason to heap scorn and ridicule on your sorry ass if that cardboard box (with air holes poked in the top) arrives at her place of business? Absolutely.

No woman wants stuffed animals (or flowers, for that matter). They want some serious hardware, even if it means some African warlords get hard currency with which to buy AK-47s, RPGs, and 4x4 Toyota Tundras (with bed-mounted machine guns).

She wants bling.

Blood diamonds.

Not a bear.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Tomorrow is Super Tuesday. The Lifeguard insists that you get off of your rear ends and vote.
In the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, polls are open from 0700 until 2000HRS.
There will, no doubt, be efforts to suppress the votes of certain people. And, the stormtroopers will be out, disenfranchising minorities and the poor. Of course. But, as they say in Boston (and certain wards in Chicago), vote early...and vote often.

Sunday, February 03, 2008


New York Giants 17
New England Patriots 14

The 1972 Miami Dolphins remain the only team to have a perfect season, winning all of their games, including The Super Bowl.

The 2007-08 New England Patriots won all 16 of their regular season games, two playoff games, and...lost Super Bowl XLII to the New York Giants (who become the lowest seed to reach--and win--The Super Bowl).

So, to the Giants, The Lifeguard says, "Well done, gentlemen."

To the Patriots, The Lifeguard says, "Congratulations on an almost perfect season."

To the whiny, pink hat-wearing fans of the Patriots, The Lifeguard says, "Shut the fuck up!"

Ed. Note: The New York Giants have no official cheer-leading squad, so I posted the New England cheer-leaders instead.
Cate Edwards' Father Is Suspending His Campaign...

Frankly, listening to her father's populist twaddle was giving me a headache. And, I didn't think for a minute that the Democrat Party would let a guy who was part of the losing team get another shot at the big boy chair.

So, he suspended his campaign (so that he could keep on receiving those federal matching funds?); and, according to some reports, will negotiate for a position in either an Obama or Clinton Administration.

And now, there are two.

With Super Tuesday just two days away, Senators Obama (the half-black candidate) and Clinton (the half-man candidate) will fire broadsides into each other like a couple of ships of the line.

"Too soft on terror." [Blam!] (Not a chance on this one.)

"Too hard on illegal immigrants." [Blam!]

"Too much illegal money from the Peoples Republic of China." [Blam!] (Not a chance on this one, either.)

"Too complimentary of Republicans." [Blam!]

"He was a part of the Keating Five." [Blam!] (Wait, they are saving that for Senator McCain, in the general election.)

The problem, however, is that the Democrats award delegates proportionately; and, the battle will rage, probably, right up until the unelected Super Delegates vote (for Hillary!, probably).

But, it is sure to be interesting. (Unlike the last Democrat debate, which was a snoozefest, with neither candidate wanting to take a position that might offend one of their inbred little voting blocs.)

"A question for Hillary! How will your administration stop retarded female would-be suicide bombers?"

[Shrieking] "A Clinton Administration will not do anything to prevent a woman, even a retarded woman, from achieving the goals that, until now were jobs just for men. Or, to keep her out of Paradise, where she should also be entitled to 72 Virginians. That is why I am different from the Republicans, who not only want to stop her from being a suicide bomber; but, to deny her health care when she blows herself to bits."

Aw, hell, just give me more Cate Edwards (who I know is a Democrat, because no one has ever heard of a woman being called a "piece of elephant.")