It sure has been a long time. I know you've missed The Lifeguard.
Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) showing off the quality plastic surgery you get with ObamaCare. The last time The Lifeguard saw a face like that, it had a hook in its mouth.
Without a doubt, Nancy Pelosi is one of the scariest looking women in the world. A woman desperately in need of a burqa.
President Obama has done wonders for the Middle East. His ill-advised policies have caused tremendous instability in an already unstable region. That said, he has been able to sneak out to play some golf.
Thank Christ Mark Zuckerberg's pro-amnesty group, FWD.US is launching a "Day of Action" for amnesty for illegal aliens. Obviously, Zuckerberg can't afford to pay the regular landscapers, and he needs some new ones that he can hire on the cheap.
America really needs millions of people who can't speak English, who haven't got any skills (beyond cutting the grass...or, selling it), and who are infected with delightful Third World diseases, especially since there are fewer Americans in the workforce than at any time in recent memory.
Fortunately, the Democrat party is working with the GOP to prevent the hiring of illegal aliens. Not! Seriously, The Lifeguard wonders what good will come of allowing millions of low-wage workers into the country. Workers who will depress wages, and who will likely stress school systems and emergency rooms in the regions where they settle. Already, school districts are seeing an increase in ELL (English Language Learners) who, more likely than not, will require special attention (to the detriment of English speakers).
Since when does lowering standards to the level of the worst students benefit those who perform at a higher level? American education is already struggling to produce a better product. Instead of becoming Lexus, we are becoming General Motors. (Without the possibility of a recall.)
The US soccer team advanced from the Group of Death to the Elimination Round. By losing. To Germany. Only in soccer can one win by losing. Another reason that The Lifeguard thinks that soccer is barely a sport.
As Lady Thatcher reportedly said after Germany had beaten England in some major soccer game: "Don't worry. After all, twice in this century we beat them at their national game."
Congratulations to Vanderbilt University on their win in the CWS. The Lifeguard was pulling for the Commodores.
Clive Goodman, the former News of the World royals editor testified that the late Princess Diana gave him the Green Book (a directory of numbers) so that she could show that Prince Charles' staff was much bigger than hers. (The Lifeguard knows something about a large staff.) Apparently, the princess was looking for an ally in her battle against her ex-husband, and used the power of the press (and her position as a media darling) to keep herself in the spotlight. Sort of like a Kardashian, except without the giant ass and the stupid reality show.
If only Bravo had gotten to Princess Diana, she might still be alive. (Although, the high-speed chase and car crash would have been a real ratings grabber.)
Secretary of State John F. Kerry, who served in Vietnam, just drew a "red line" on the Russian incursion in Crimea. As JFK once served in Vietnam, he's a real tough guy, and The Lifeguard is pretty sure that Vladimir Putin is quaking in his boots (in much the same way that the Ayatollah Khomeini was quaking in his boots when then-President James Earl Carter drew his own "red line" back in 1979.
The Lifeguard wonders whether Putin would be pulling this shit if Obama weren't such a wuss, and JFK such a douchebag.
The Lifeguard notes that the Russians did learn one lesson from their incursion into Afghanistan. Wait until after the Olympics to accept the invitation to move troops into another country.
In Rhode Island, a man with Alzheimer's disease and dementia lived with his dead wife for two days before officials entered the home. It seems really wrong to use this tragic story as the segue to a joke, but what the hell.
Two guys are talking and the first one says, "I think my wife is dead." The second man says, "What makes you think that?" The first one replies, "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up in the sink."
The big news is the disappearance of a Malaysia Airlines 777, on a flight from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing. Flight MH370 disappeared from radar screens, but telemetry from the engines indicates that the jetliner continued to fly for another few hours leading some to believe that the airliner was diverted for some nefarious purpose.
The Lifeguard suggests that Uyghurs--Chinese Muslims--are responsible for the disappearance of the flight, perhaps with the assistance of the flight's pilot and co-pilot. And, The Lifeguard also believes that the jet is intact, ready to be repurposed as a flying bomb. Indeed, a 777 would make an outstanding delivery system for an explosive device. And, with the way the plane just disappeared, it's not so unreasonable to assume that it might just reappear just as suddenly.
A man rescued from a submerged car is suing his rescuers for $500,000.00. And, it is possible that he is an illegal alien. Here illegally. Suing the rescuers. For saving his life. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?
Wasn't an ObamaPhone and ObamaCare enough for Roy Ortiz?
Obviously, Mr. Ortiz's lawyer didn't think so, since he stands to pocket a cool $166,000.00 if he prevails. Plus a bunch of free press.
Of course, his lawyer, Ed Ferszt doesn't care that suits like this make the legal profession look like a bunch of money-grubbing whores.
But, The Lifeguard is back with a new and improved edition of Speedos! The 2014 line, you might say. And, with all of the douchebaggery in the world, a man such as The Lifeguard is needed more than ever.
In beautiful Los Angeles, California, where you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an illegal alien, a company has developed the Burrito Box, a burrito vending machine. Because, it's cheaper and more efficient to have a vending machine distribute burritos than Mexicans. Yep, the upcoming amnesty for illegal aliens seems like a really good idea.
With all of the discussions about increasing the minimum wage (to $15.00 an hour) to a much-needed amnesty for illegal aliens, The Lifeguard wishes that someone would have an honest discussion about the two closely-related problems. An increased minimum wage will, no doubt, lead to more illegal immigration as business owners look for people who can be paid, under-the-table, less than the new, higher, "living wage."
The Batman movie, starring George Clooney, is awful.
The Lifeguard has never seen the show, Girls. He is pretty sure that he doesn't want to see the show's creator and star, Lena Dunham, naked.
Seriously, do you have any idea what a horrible, horrible movie Batman & Robin is?
New York City mayor, Bill de Blasio (D-umbass) went to a meet-and-greet on Staten Island. Someone ordered pizza. Mayor de Blasio ate his with a fork. What the fork?!? That's sort of like ordering a Philly cheesesteak with Swiss cheese.
Nearly 92 million Americans are not in the labor force. Well played, President Obama. Well played. People wondered what a second-term Jimmy Carter presidency would have looked like. Now, we know. Thank Christ for those Burrito Boxes.
Former Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon died at the age of 85. He had been in a coma for eight years, following a debilitating stroke in January, 2006. Rest in peace.
A recent study by High Point University concluded that Narcissists tweet more often than other people. Probably why The Lifeguard tweets so infrequently.
In a related story, The Lifeguard hopes that he never hears the term "hashtag" again. (Unless it relates to a pricetag on a brick of hash. Then, it's all right.)
All right, my babies. It's off to...well...whatever The Lifeguard is planning for today.
The new fucking Martin Scorsese/Leonardo DiCaprio film, The Wolf of Wall Street, set some sort of a fucking record for the frequent fucking use of the F-Bomb. Now, The Lifeguard admits that saying "fuck" (or one of its fucking variants) five hundred and six (506) times during a 180 minute fucking movie is pretty fucking impressive; however, The Lifeguard has fucking used the motherfucking word more fucking times than the fucking movie.
So, what's the big fucking deal? The Lifeguard is pretty fucking sure that the fucking assholes who are fucking responsible for the fucking movie ratings have come to the same fucking conclusion as The Lifeguard: If a fucking word is used all of the fucking time, then people will not give a fuck if they hear it nearly three fucking times a fucking minute.
Indeed, if the fucking people who think that The fucking Wolf of fucking Wall Street should get an R-rating, in spite of the motherfuckers in the fucking movie using the fucking F-Bomb three fucking times a fucking minute, then why the fuck do the same motherfuckers get fucking pissed smooth the fuck off when Michael Wilbon says "nigga" (or one of it's fucking variants)? Or, more to the fucking point, why should fucking Wilbon get pissed smooth the fuck off if white people use the fucking word?
The Lifeguard notes that many fucking women get pissed off when they hear the fucking word, "cunt." But, this is pretty fucking queer, since the fucking word is, first and fucking foremost, applicable to both fucking sexes. And, it's a fucking acronym, meaning "Can't Understand Normal Thinking." Why is it okay for a fucking woman to say, "She's a fucking cunt"?; or, for a woman to say, "Fuck my cunt"?; but, not for a man to say, "What a bunch of fucking cunts"? Fucking A, man. Fucking A.
Still wondering what the fucking point of this is? Well, it should be pretty fucking obvious, if you aren't a fuckwit, a shitweasel, or a fuckwad. (But, not a piece of fuck.)
Words become so commonly used (or, in this case, overused) that they lose all meaning, and all shock value. And still, in spite of this, Blazing Saddles (for example) is heavily edited, while rap, hip-hop, and other fucking music is flooding the airwaves, using many of the same words axed by the network censors. Fucking assholes. Dire Straits faced an uproar over their use of another fucking F-Word in their song, "Money for Nothing." Who the fuck gives a fuck?
Fifty years ago, a fucking kid would have his fucking mouth washed out with a bar of fucking soap if he said, "Fuck." Then, his fucking father would have spanked him, with a fucking belt, because polite fucking people don't fucking say, "Fuck." But, now, it's "fuck you," "STFU," and "kiss my fucking ass, you fuck." (And that's on the fucking playground of the fucking pre-school.)
The bottom fucking line? The Wolf of Wall Street sucks.
Put that in your fucking pipe and blow it out your fucking arsehole.
Yacht racing, crow bar wielding, tennis playing, Red Sox watching, mountain bike riding, Yankee dissing, downhill skiing, golf club swinging, martini drinking, whisky loving, oyster shucking, sushi eating, steak grilling man of the people.