Thursday, December 25, 2008

Peace On Earth, Good Will Toward Men...

The Lifeguard Wept...

I was at Mass yesterday afternoon, and I was taken by the poinsettias, a beautiful sea of scarlet and white. And, my favourite reading...'though, frankly, Linus Van Pelt does it better than any man:

Luke 2

1And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.

2(And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)

3And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

4And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)

5To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

6And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

7And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

8And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

9And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

So, on this Christmas Day, The Lifeguard wishes everyone a very Merry Christmas, and a joyful and prosperous New Year.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas...

The Lifeguard Fears No Man!

Years ago, The Lifeguard taught fourth grade in an elementary school in Massachusetts.* My goal was to have students who not only spoke in complete sentences, but who also had exceptional vocabularies. Each day, The Lifeguard assigned a word, and told the kiddos that they were liable to be called on to use that word in a sentence.

On Thursday, before a big snowstorm, I gave them their word: "contagious".

On the following Monday--school having been cancelled due to the storm--I asked my students, in turn, to use the word in a sentence.

Sarah said, "My mother put me in bed with my brother when he had chicken pox, because chicken pox are contagious."

"Excellent," I said.

James offered, "I came home from school the other day, and told my brother a joke. He started laughing, and then my mother started laughing, and then, my father started laughing. That's because laughter is contagious."


Then, little Liam O'Sullivan, a recent arrival from Dublin, raised his hand.

In his thick Irish accent, he said, "On Friday, my mum went outside to shovel our driveway. It took her two hours, but she got the whole thing cleared, and was about to come back inside
the house when the plow drove by and piled all of the snow back up at the end of the driveway. My dad looked out the window and said, 'Oh, it'll take that contagious to clear that snow."

*The Lifeguard is willing to do just about anything for a joke. For the record, I never taught fourth grade in Boston, or anywhere else.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Third Time's The Charm...

Friday Firing, Part III

"Boss, phone for you."

I went to the phone, and picked up the handset. It was the employee that I had fired before. (That's right, sports fans, I had to fire someone twice.)

Really, who has to fire someone twice? I mean, sometimes the terminated employee returns to the workplace...with a Glock, or an AK-47...intent on shooting up the place. This guy returned to the workplace

"Boss," he said. "I was wondering if it would be all right if I came into work today."

"What? No, I don't think it would be all right."

"Why?" he said.

"Because, I already let you go...twice."

Or, as Coach Red Beaulieu said, "You're fired."

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Fuck the heck?

Several weeks ago, I had an employee who was not faring well in the fast-paced environs of my plant. He was frequently tardy (as in, every day), and advised me that--two days into the job--that he was not feeling well, and that he needed to go to the doctor.

Now, truth be told, The Lifeguard has been around the block a few times, not to mention years in a workers' compensation practice, and he saw that there was something fishy about the complaints of varied aches and pains.

Lifeguard: "You need to work today, and this weekend. Go to the doctor tonight."

Employee: "I can't. My [body part] hurts."

Lifeguard: "Well, then, you can have the weekend off.'

Employee: "Really, boss? Thanks."

Lifeguard: "In fact, you can take the rest of this week off. And next week, too."

Employee: "Wow, you are the best."

Lifeguard: "Now, get the fuck out...and don't come back."

Imagine The Lifeguard's dismay when, upon arriving at work the following week, Employee was cocked, locked and ready to rock.

Lifeguard: "What are you doing here?"

Employee: "Here for work, boss."

Lifeguard: "But, I let you go last week."

Employee: "But, it's Christmas."

At which point, The Lifeguard completely lost his mind...and fired him again.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Fuck the heck!

Down In The Durham Ditches...
there's a place that twenty thousand sons of bitches call Chapel Hill. And, thanks to the intolerance, political correctness, and idiocy of one person--Associate Provost of Libraries, Sarah Michalak--those poor bastards won't have their Christmas trees this year.

What's a poor Tar Heel to do? Sure, the women's soccer team won the NCAA Championship. Sure, the football team improved after giving their coach a huge raise (after a mediocre 2007 season). Sure, the basketball team is...well...good.

But, this year, there won't be a Christmas tree outside of the Wilson and Davis libraries, which is a shame. All, in the name of tolerance of other religions. As if taking down the trees will appease the idiots who have complained about the trees over the last few years. It will, instead, embolden them.

Sort of like Hitler was emboldened when Neville Chamberlain gave up Czechoslovakia, declaring "...peace in our time."

Yo, Neville, how'd that work out for you?

So, first, it's the trees. Then, the ram. (Too violent, of course. Offensive to vegetarians. Natch.) I'm pretty sure that someone is offended by the black spot on the heel. The fight song has also got to go. (I'm not sure what's offensive about the fight song; but, I wasn't sure what was offensive about a tree.)

Sure, she could have put up a Menorah (for the Jews), a Kwanzaa bush (for the blacks), and a...wait...the Muslim students could sacrifice the mascot (for Eid-al-Adha).

But, no. She took the trees.


What the deuce?

In An Effort At Change...

Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich (D-Duh) seeks to become the first person pardoned by President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama.

Blagojevich, who committed himself to cleaning up the mess created by convicted felon (and former Republican Governor, George Ryan), put a massive "For Sale" sign on the Senate seat held by Obama.

Blagojevich wasn't even subtle about it. He was shaking down everyone in an effort to get money for his campaign, for his wife, and for himself. And, it is all on tape, right down to the Governor's comment that he "...just wanted to make money."

So, as a consequence of his actions, yet another politician has taken yet another massive dump on the confidence of the general public in their elected officials. It almost makes one wonder how many millions of dollars Senators (like Obama and Dodd) and Representatives (like Barney Frank) would seek from, say, Fannie Mae...wait, they already got theirs.

Seriously, the only way to solve the problem of the massive governmental corruption now present in Washington, D.C. (and fifty state capitols) is to get rid of them all. But, that won't happen...

As someone once said, "he may be a crook; but, he's our crook."

Therefore, The Lifeguard now announces his candidacy for the Massachusetts General Court; and, ultimately, for even higher offices.

My platform: Change!

Or, to borrow from His Excellency, the Governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, "Together we can!"

Use the "Contribute Now" tab to make your campaign contribution to The Lifeguard.

Do it, damnit.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008


I Am A Glutton For Punishment...

I went guessed it...Dunkin' Donuts today. After yet another FUBARed order, I decided to review my past disappointments so that I could put together a comprehensive guide to speaking Dunkinese.

To Get This... Order This...

Coffee Regular Black Coffee, No Sugar

Blueberry Muffin Bacon, Egg and Cheese Sandwich

Bagel With Plain Cream Cheese on the Side Bagel With Veggie Cream Cheese

I am sure that there are other examples of Dunkinese, and The Lifeguard invites you to send them along.

In the meantime, I am going to Starbucks.

Monday, December 01, 2008

The Lifeguard Meets Captain Obvious

And Jesus Wept...

The Lifeguard was chatting with a friend the other day, and almost went through the roof. Fortunately, Captain Obvious (and his amazing hearing) had the same reaction to the "conversating" going on, and he arrived on the scene, to administer a boot to the head.

It made me think about a few of the linguistic abortions that I have heard in the last few weeks. (And, since President-Elect B. Hussein Obama supports the right to an abortion right up to the time of delivery, I am expecting to hear more everyday. I can not wait.)

As I mentioned, I was conversating with my friend, and he was telling me about how he had been
conversating with his wife about some matter or another. This reminded me about how I had been conversating with my friend, S, and we conversated almost all night long.

For the record, there is no such motherhumping word as "conversated".

Which brings me to my recent trip to Big City Hospital. I ran into an acquaintance in the cafeteria, where I had gone for a bad cup of coffee and a six-hour-old hamburger...which was free (thanks to Boston's Mayor, Thomas Menino) of trans fats. (The coffee was free of trans fats. The burger had them in spades.)

And, as we were conversating, she started telling me about her new boyfriend, who is doing his residency in oncology and etymology.

"Cancerous words?
What the fuck!?! Try haemotology, not etymology, cupcake."

So, today, I mentioned a luncheon that was being held at work to my friends D and G.

"Hey, fellas, that luncheon is today."

"I brought my lunch. Just my luck," G said.

"Looks good; but, it's roast pork." (Which I know that G does not eat.)

"You don't have to have pork, G. They also have ham," said D.