Wednesday, July 25, 2012


Banned From The Olympics
Greek triple-jump champion, Voula Papachristou, was booted from the Greek Olympic team because of an unpopular tweet.

On Twitter, the pulchritudinous star noted, "With so many Africans in Greece, the West Nile mosquitoes will be getting home food!!!"

The statement isn't particularly funny; but, it's also not a reason to ban someone from participating in the Olympics.  After all, West Nile is a vector-borne disease, first isolated in the West Nile District of Uganda, in 1937.  She was merely attempting to make a joke about how the....  Wait.  Does The Lifeguard really have to explain this to y'all?  It's not racism.

As far as The Lifeguard is concerned, and since she now appears to have some free time, Voula can watch the Olympics with him.  There might even be some jumping.  Three times.  Three times a day.

You know you love it.

The Lifeguard is getting ready for the opening ceremonies of the London Olympics.  And, as The Lifeguard will be covering the games, he wants to give you a stock tip.  Go long on Reckitt Benckiser (RB.L).  Real long.

  • In Nigeria, a wealthy businessman was having sex with his newest, youngest wife, which so annoyed the other five wives that they demanded that he have sex with them all at once.  Lucky bastard, right? Actually, not so much.  The wives used knives and sticks to move him to action; then, they all ran off when he died, in flagrante delicto.  
  • While the article talks of the Nigerian dude being "raped to death," there appears to be no evidence that he was raped to death.  And, if the wives were so "jealous," why did they demand that he have sex with all of them?  
  • The Damson Dene Hotel has replaced the Bible with Fifty Shades of Grey.  Because, apparently, people think that it's a better read than the Bible.  Of course, people are stupid.
  • That having been said, The Lifeguard is available for dramatic readings of Fifty Shades of Grey.
  • Syrian...dictator...Bashar al-Assad is a dick.  A great big dick.  
  • North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un (who is also a dick) got married.  To a woman.  Proving once again that there is someone for everyone.  (And, if you are a murderous dictator, who uses intimidation and starvation to keep his people in line, you can get any chick you want, if you just buy her some food.)
  • Don MacKenzie, of Niantic, Connecticut, bought a 17 pound lobster from a restaurant in Waterford, then released the crustacean into Long Island Sound.  If he had taken it to North Korea, he could have gotten every woman in Pyongyang.
  • Penn State has a $60m fine imposed by the NCAA following the rape-in-the-shower scandal.  In addition, Joe Paterno is stripped of a bunch of wins, which moved now-retired (FSU coach) Bobby Bowden, into first place with the most wins of any Division I college football coach.  (On the bright side, JoePa now has the most vacated wins of any Division I college football coach.)
That's all for now.  The Lifeguard is going sailing.

Saturday, July 21, 2012


Lolo Say, "Lifeguard, Okay!"
The London Olympic athletes will receive a fistful of Durex condoms, the better to protect them from in dreary old England.

In fact, the more than 10,000 athletes will receive 15 condoms apiece (which is a day's supply for The Lifeguard or Sandra Fluke), with Durex ready to crank out some more if the athletes need them.  

Not only are the Olympic games a chance to perform on the world stage, they offer a chance for some physically fit folks to fuck like horny wolverines.  Indeed, The Lifeguard has received invites from Olympic virgin, Lolo Jones, the Swedish women's soccer team, and this Bulgarian called Izabela.  (The Lifeguard assumes that Izabela was a weightlifter, since she mentioned  something about giving The Lifeguard "three attempts at the snatch.")  They all want The Lifeguard.

The only problem, with less than a week until the games begin, seems to be getting Durex to ramp up condom production to cover The Lifeguard's needs.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Too dumb to vote...

Get Out The Vote
The First Lady (you know, the one with the ridiculously toned arms) spoke to supporters in Miami, Florida yesterday.  She implored them to find unregistered voters and "shake 'em."

Said Mrs. Obama, "It doesn't matter if they are freaks, felons, or frauds, my husband needs 'em!"

In other news, the US Department of Justice continues to impede Florida's attempts to purge voter rolls, and to keep other states from requiring photo identification when voting.  

Not that The Lifeguard thinks that the Obama plan is to perpetuate a massive instance of voter fraud on the country.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Yeah, baby!

©2010-2012 ~bakarli


Admit it.  You’ve missed The Lifeguard.

  • The Lifeguard was talking to a comely young woman, who had recently read the blog.  She said that she found it disgusting.  The Lifeguard said, “Hey, it’s not like anyone stripped you naked, tied you up with silk cords, and forced you to read it.”  (Well, The Lifeguard did strip her naked and tie her up with silk cords, but he didn’t make her read the blog.)
  • There are now calls, by Muslim fundamentalists, to destroy the Pyramids because they are "symbols of paganism."  The Lifeguard has three thoughts on this topic.  First, I am sure that if we planted an American flag on top of the Great Pyramid, the Islamist radicals could find a bunch of dipshits willing to hijack planes to use as guided missiles.  Second, if there weren't Pyramids in Egypt, would anyone want to visit Egypt?  Third, we could let the Post Office manage them.  They'd be broke (and gone) in about two years.
  • The Lifeguard thinks that Disney should be commissioned to recreate the Pyramids in the Arizona desert.  Make it an amusement park.  It's a win-win.  It creates high paying construction jobs, it's good for tourism (because, frankly, who doesn't want to go to Disneyland), and the stream of illegal aliens coming across the border could either be hired as actors (portraying Egyptians) or charged $35.00 for admission.
  • Islamists destroyed tombs at the famous Djingareyber mosque, in Timbuktu.  Islamists are an angry and destructive bunch, aren't they?  And yet, those "peaceful" Muslims never seem to say anything against the fanatics.  (Maybe because they are afraid of getting shot, stabbed, or otherwise blown up by the crazies.)
  • To celebrate the 40th anniversary of Title IX, the US Olympic team has more women than men.  Who.  Cares.
  • President Barack Hussein Obama (who still is 100% Grade A non-Muslim from Hawaii) has a brother, George Obama, who lives in Kenya.  In a mud hut.  The Lifeguard wonders.  Why is he not living in public housing in Boston, or working in a package store in Framingham?  (Not that Auntie Zeituni or Uncle Omar get any love from the Preezy of the Heezy.  As far as you know.)  
  • Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick (D-uh) vetoed EBT card reform.  Because people in need shouldn't have to beg for their benefits.  (You know, the benefits used to pay for manicures, tattoos, and porn.)
  • The MLB All Star Game was played last night.  A bunch of guys who get paid a shitload of money for playing a game took the field in a contest called by Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.  
  • The Lifeguard can't watch (or listen) to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.  (Thank Christ Joe Morgan wasn't on the game.  Now that's a trifecta of stupid.)
That's enough for today, y'all.


Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Today, y’all get a special, July 4th edition of Speedos!

(Well, The Lifeguard doesn’t know if it’s really special; but, it is July 4th.)

  • Happy Birthday, America.  Where else but America could The Lifeguard post such a magnificent blog without being thrown in jail?  (The Lifeguard is sure that there are such places; but, he’s also pretty sure that he doesn’t want to live in them.)  As a birthday exercise, The Lifeguard suggests that everyone take a look at the Bill of Rights.
  • When you do read the Bill of Rights, pay special attention to the sections discussing abortion, universal health care, and a right to privacy.
  • In China, a group of six ethnic Uighurs (or, do they like to be called Uighroes?) tried to hijack an internal flight.  The passengers beat two of the six to death, proving once more that China is a bad place to hijack a plane.  (And, that while all Muslims are not hijackers, you can be pretty damn sure that your hijackers are Muslims.)
  • A Uighur spokesman claimed it was just a “seating dispute.”  (While The Lifeguard has wanted to beat some of his fellow passengers to death, he has always shown restraint.)  Were the Uighroes told to sit in the back of the plane?  Were they not given peanuts?  Too much fondling by the Chinese TSA?
  • The Lifeguard was at the bank and overheard one of the tellers on the phone.  “Watch out for him,” she said.  “He’s a chronological liar.” 
  • The Lifeguard toured several ships visiting for Navy Week 2012.  (This year’s visit is especially significant, in that it marks the bicentennial of the War of 1812, which was America’s second War of Independence.)  Special thanks to the crews of the USCGC Eagle, HNoMS Thor Heyerdahl, and HDMS Esbern Snare
  • In case anyone from the Coast Guard is reading this, USCGC Eagle (formerly SNF Horst Wessel) was a “spoil of war” from World War II.  She was named for Horst Wessel, a Nazi martyr, and was originally used to train Kriegsmarine sailors.  (You’d think the USCGA cadets giving the tours would know that shit.)
  • The Lifeguard is getting tired of listening to the Right bash Chief Justice John Roberts.  (The Lifeguard doesn’t agree with the Chief Justice’s opinion, but understands his thought process.)  If it’s not the Left, it’s the Right.  (And, it’s much more tiresome when the person doing the bashing has neither read nor understood the decision.)
  • Given the gift of a decision painting the Affordable Care Act as a giant tax increase, Governor Mitt Romney’s guy, Eric Fehrnstrom fucks it up by saying that Romney agrees that it’s a fee, not a tax.  First, it’s Etch-A-Sketches, now this.  The Lifeguard is beginning to think that he could fuck up a wet dream.  (Or, that he’s on the Obama payroll.)
  • Speaking of the ObamaCare “tax” on so-called “free riders,” what penalty or fee is imposed upon illegal immigrants who seek medical care (read obstetric services for their anchor babies) in our hospitals?  Are they going to pay a fee for being free riders?  (Or, is our fee meant to pay for their free ride?)
  • When Nancy Pelosi (D-Fuckwit) talks about the evil "free riders," does she also mean illegal immigrants, who drive up health care (and other) costs?  The Lifeguard is
  • Is The Lifeguard the only one who thinks that Nancy Pelosi and Bruce Jenner look alike?
  • The Lifeguard can fix health care in about 20 minutes.  In about 20 pages.  If only someone would ask. 
  • If fireworks and handguns are illegal in Massachusetts, how come so many people are shooting off both?

On that note, The Lifeguard is off to visit his new friend from the Danish Navy.  (As these are naval operations, The Lifeguard expects it to get very wet.)

Monday, July 02, 2012


He's Back!
And now, Speedos!

  • The Lifeguard continues to train for the 2012 Olympics.  (Practicing the breast stroke is demanding, and requires a ridiculously large number of training partners.  Please contact The Lifeguard if you are interested in helping him train.)
  • The real story of last week was not the ruling on ObamaCare, but the decision in United States v. Alvarez, 567 US __ (2012).  The Court held, 6-3 that the so-called "Stolen Valor Act" (which makes it a crime to falsely claim receipt of military decorations or medals) is unconstitutional as it violated respondents rights under the First Amendment.  The Lifeguard noted that no one talked to Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-CT)
  • If, however, it is okay to lie about your military service, then it must also be okay to lie about your health care plan.  
  • In the Affordable Care Act case, Chief Justice John Roberts managed to offend everyone by writing the majority decision in National Federation of Independent Businesses v. Sebelius, 567 US __ (2012).  In this 1-4-4 decision, Chief Justice Roberts reigns in Congress's power under the Commerce Clause (as well as the Necessary and Proper Clause and the General Welfare Clause), calls a spade a spade (i.e., "a tax a tax"), and pisses off Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.  It's a veritable trifecta for The Lifeguard.  (The Lifeguard gives respect to Bradley Joondeph, Professor of Law at Santa Clara University.  While I don't necessarily agree that this was the Marbury of our time, I do appreciate the significance of the Chief Justice's legal reasoning.)
  • Even more significant, the Chief Justice's statement that it is not the Court's responsibility to make political decisions.  To put it more plainly, if you don't like crap like the ACA (and it's ricockulously huge tax increase), then vote the bums out of office in November.
  • The Lifeguard has always maintained that Election Day is the day that we hold our elected representatives accountable for all of their lies and bullshit.  (Sadly, we do not avail ourselves of this opportunity as often as we should.)
  • The Lifeguard came pretty damn close on his prediction regarding the vote whether to hold AG Eric "I'm A Douchebag" Holder in Contempt of Congress.  Like, within the "margin of error" close.  
  • People who drink 3+ cups of coffee a day have a lower risk of a common skin cancer, says a Brigham and Women's Hospital study.  The Lifeguard is on his way to Starbuck's for a venti bold black (with no room for cream).
  • Oh, and a special thanks to this guy for the above picture.
Ciao, baby!