Sunday, October 26, 2008

My ears are bleeding!

Patti LaBelle Sucks!

Philadelphia's native daughter, Patti LaBelle, sang The Star Spangled Banner to start Game Four of the Fall Classic.

Aside from the fact that I have heard more melody from fucking cats, she didn't seem to know all of the words to the National Anthem. (It's "...perilous fight...", not "flight".)

And tell me, why do singers feel the need to make the National Anthem their own? Sing the freaking song, without all of the flourish and bullshit. And, get the words right!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I am mad as Hell...

...And I Am Not Sure If I Can Take It Anymore.

Not only are the Boston Red Sox getting shit-hammered by the Tampa Bay Rays (Top of 3, 5-0 Rays) in Game Five of the ALCS, I learned something tonight that made me very mad.

Not mad, like when I threw up a little bit in my mouth while I was kissing Gina McCarthy. (She was mad; but, not like I am mad right now.)

Mad, like when I learned that one of my son's teachers was ridiculing the children who said that they liked Senator John McCain (over Senator B. Hussein Obama). Really, what in the name of fuck is a teacher doing ridiculing ten-year-olds who said they liked Senator McCain. (Or, Osama Obama, for that matter.)

I was tempted to ask Ms. Liberal White-Guilt (her actual name) where she got off bringing politics into elementary school (or, at least a particular candidate); but, I was reminded of the old addage, "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach P.E.)*

So, imagine my chagrin when I learned that my nephew, a bright young man (natch) had walked out of an interview at my alma mater, Wake Forest, with this tale:

P, who is high school senior in Massachusetts, went to North Carolina for an on-campus interview. The interviewer, a Senior Admissions Counselor (or some such nonsense), asked P, "What were you Massachusetts people thinking when you elected Mitt Romney Governor?" Later, she asked him if he was "...working for Senator Obama."

Now, as far as I am concerned, you have a right to support and vote for whomever you wish. You, don't, however, have the right to interject your opinions into the interview process.

This would be tantamount to me asking the woman I was interviewing to be my paralegal (and she was hot, trust me) if she was interested in sucking my dong. I had a position of power over her, and she knew that her answer might affect her prospects at Doolittle and Scruem.

Honestly, does Wake Forest want a bunch of Obamaniacs? I thought they wanted diversity. Similarly, does this mean that I wanted all of my female colleagues and employees to suck my dong? No, I wanted diversity. Wait, no...yes.... I wanted them all to suck my dong. Aw, you get my point.

So, as of this moment, I am through giving money to Wake Forest. I am still pissed at the thought of P being treated so callously.

Now, where is my former paralegal's phone number. I want to ask her something.

*I am, if you hadn't guessed, talking about my son's P.E. teacher.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Thanks, Chris!


Columbus Day is, last I checked, a Federal Holiday.

That should mean that the kids get to stay home from school (so as to celebrate the discovery of the New World). Banks and government offices are closed (so the workers can remember the drive and determination that helped Columbus make it across the Atlantic). Some Americans (of Italian descent) have a parade.

But, in Princeton, New Jersey (where they take a day off for both Yom Kippur and Martin Luther King Day), the kids go to school.

Now, if I thought for a second that tomorrow would be spent learning solely about Christopher Columbus, I would be fine with the kids going to school.

Unfortunately, I am pretty sure that tomorrow will be spent celebrating diversity (as manifested by the Obama campaign), studying sex education (and how to sheath a banana in a condom), and not learning math and history.

Well, they can all go eff themselves. I am going to raise a glass to good ol' Chris, that magnificent Guinea bastard.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


I Don't Know Who Won...

A small, intimate group of 75 of my closest friends got together to watch the Presidential Debate.

Some genius suggested that we do a shot every time Senator Obama said, "um"; or, Senator McCain said, "My friend."

Fifteen minutes into the debate show, we were all shit-faced.

Good times.

Sunday, October 05, 2008


The Headline Was Perfect!

FoxNews chattering skull, Bill O'Reilly, blasted Congressman Barney Frank (D-MA) on the mess he made at Fannie. Watch the video here.

Other headlines mentioned "Barney Frank's Love Connection With Fannie."

In fact, when The Lifeguard Googled "Barney Frank" and "Fannie", he got over 450,000 hits. (Of course, Barney Frank has gotten over 450,000 hits on his Fannie, so I am not surprised.)

The bottom (no pun intended) line is that the Democrat Party generally--and Congressman Frank and Senators Dodd and Obama--took shitloads of money from lobbyists for Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. In fact, Senator Obama had one heretofore unmentioned accomplishment in the Senate: In just three years, he collected almost as much pelf from Fannie Mae as Senator Christopher Dodd did in thirty years.

Further, Senator Obama seems to take economic advice from wholly-owned subsidiaries of Fannie (like Congressman Frank). (Again, no pun intended in the use of the words "wholly" and "Fannie" in a sentence mentioning Congressman Barney Frank.) Oh, and former Fannie Mae CEO, Franklin Raines (who was ousted in 2004 in the wake of a $6.3 billion accounting scandal).

Wait, this started as a one-line commentary on a headline (again, no pun intended) and turned into a post on the lending crisis....

Wednesday, October 01, 2008



I was reading an article about academic dishonesty, and the YouTube videos posted by students bragging about their conquests in the classroom.

For me, the queer thing has always been exams requiring that a student sign an acknowledgment that the test-taker has done his (or her) own work, has not copied from someone else, has not brought in a crib sheet ("Hey, it's my own work...done outside of class.), or supported someone other than Barack Obama for President. (Okay, maybe not the Obama thing.)

I am always reminded of my anthropology professor, who said of the Wake Forest Honour Code, "If you are scum enough to cheat on the exam, you are scum enough to sign the Honour Code stating you didn't cheat."