Saturday, January 11, 2014


It's Been A Long Time...

But, The Lifeguard is back with a new and improved edition of Speedos!  The 2014 line, you might say. And, with all of the douchebaggery in the world, a man such as The Lifeguard is needed more than ever.

  • In beautiful Los Angeles, California, where you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an illegal alien, a company has developed the Burrito Box, a burrito vending machine.  Because, it's cheaper and more efficient to have a vending machine distribute burritos than Mexicans.  Yep, the upcoming amnesty for illegal aliens seems like a really good idea.
  • With all of the discussions about increasing the minimum wage (to $15.00 an hour) to a much-needed amnesty for illegal aliens, The Lifeguard wishes that someone would have an honest discussion about the two closely-related problems.  An increased minimum wage will, no doubt, lead to more illegal immigration as business owners look for people who can be paid, under-the-table, less than the new, higher, "living wage."
  • The Batman movie, starring George Clooney, is awful.
  • The Lifeguard has never seen the show, Girls.  He is pretty sure that he doesn't want to see the show's creator and star, Lena Dunham, naked.
  • Seriously, do you have any idea what a horrible, horrible movie Batman & Robin is?
  • New York City mayor, Bill de Blasio (D-umbass) went to a meet-and-greet on Staten Island. Someone ordered pizza.  Mayor de Blasio ate his with a fork.  What the fork?!?  That's sort of like ordering a Philly cheesesteak with Swiss cheese.
  • Nearly 92 million Americans are not in the labor force.  Well played, President Obama.  Well played. People wondered what a second-term Jimmy Carter presidency would have looked like.  Now, we know.  Thank Christ for those Burrito Boxes.
  • Former Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon died at the age of 85.  He had been in a coma for eight years, following a debilitating stroke in January, 2006.  Rest in peace.
  • A recent study by High Point University concluded that Narcissists tweet more often than other people.  Probably why The Lifeguard tweets so infrequently.
  • In a related story, The Lifeguard hopes that he never hears the term "hashtag" again.  (Unless it relates to a pricetag on a brick of hash.  Then, it's all right.)
All right, my babies.  It's off to...well...whatever The Lifeguard is planning for today.

Saturday, January 04, 2014

Challenge Accepted!

Fucking Scorsese Is A Fucking Piker

The new fucking Martin Scorsese/Leonardo DiCaprio film, The Wolf of Wall Street, set some sort of a fucking record for the frequent fucking use of the F-Bomb.  Now, The Lifeguard admits that saying "fuck" (or one of its fucking variants) five hundred and six (506) times during a 180 minute fucking movie is pretty fucking impressive; however, The Lifeguard has fucking used the motherfucking word more fucking times than the fucking movie.

So, what's the big fucking deal?  The Lifeguard is pretty fucking sure that the fucking assholes who are fucking responsible for the fucking movie ratings have come to the same fucking conclusion as The Lifeguard: If a fucking word is used all of the fucking time, then people will not give a fuck if they hear it nearly three fucking times a fucking minute.  

Indeed, if the fucking people who think that The fucking Wolf of fucking Wall Street should get an R-rating, in spite of the motherfuckers in the fucking movie using the fucking F-Bomb three fucking times a fucking minute, then why the fuck do the same motherfuckers get fucking pissed smooth the fuck off when Michael Wilbon says "nigga" (or one of it's fucking variants)?  Or, more to the fucking point, why should fucking Wilbon get pissed smooth the fuck off if white people use the fucking word?

The Lifeguard notes that many fucking women get pissed off when they hear the fucking word, "cunt."  But, this is pretty fucking queer, since the fucking word is, first and fucking foremost, applicable to both fucking sexes.  And, it's a fucking acronym, meaning "Can't Understand Normal Thinking."  Why is it okay for a fucking woman to say, "She's a fucking cunt"?; or, for a woman to say, "Fuck my cunt"?; but, not for a man to say, "What a bunch of fucking cunts"?  Fucking A, man.  Fucking A.

Still wondering what the fucking point of this is?  Well, it should be pretty fucking obvious, if you aren't a fuckwit, a shitweasel, or a fuckwad.  (But, not a piece of fuck.)

Words become so commonly used (or, in this case, overused) that they lose all meaning, and all shock value.  And still, in spite of this, Blazing Saddles (for example) is heavily edited, while rap, hip-hop, and other fucking music is flooding the airwaves, using many of the same words axed by the network censors.  Fucking assholes.  Dire Straits faced an uproar over their use of another fucking F-Word in their song, "Money for Nothing."  Who the fuck gives a fuck?

Fifty years ago, a fucking kid would have his fucking mouth washed out with a bar of fucking soap if he said, "Fuck."  Then, his fucking father would have spanked him, with a fucking belt, because polite fucking people don't fucking say, "Fuck."  But, now, it's "fuck you," "STFU," and "kiss my fucking ass, you fuck."  (And that's on the fucking playground of the fucking pre-school.)

The bottom fucking line?  The Wolf of Wall Street sucks.

Put that in your fucking pipe and blow it out your fucking arsehole.