Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Get The Lifeguard a Meeting With Sony Pictures!

The Lifeguard Is A Marketing Genius!
Fifty Shades of Grey
For The Rest Of The World

Aanisah al-Steele, a 22-year-old virgin (natch) student carefully adjusted her burqa. She was taking her roommate's place for an interview with Prince Aswad, a brooding 26-year-old billionaire (and ISIS spokesman) at Aswad House in downtown Fallujah.

When she arrives, she is ushered into his stark offices and is offered a bottled water. (Watching Aanisah drink water in a burqa will surely be as entertaining as the EL James product was not.) But first, they must pray.

After prayers, Aanisah asks Aswad her roommate's prepared questions before she is whisked away to become one of Prince Aswad's wives. (She doesn't have any say in the matter, as Prince Aswad gets what he wants because he handsome, rich, and has a very big gun.* Plus, she's a woman, so her wants are secondary to her obligation to provide sexual pleasure--and future suicide-bombers--to men waging jihad.)

Then, it's time for prayers.

Prince Aswad sends three goats to Aanisah's parents, along with a threat that if they try to talk to her, they will end up like other prisoners of ISIS.

Aswad takes Aanisah to his spacious palace, which once belonged to Saddam, and shows her his kitchen, his grand piano, the golden toilets, his fourteen other wives, and his "red room of pain." (Fortunately, Aswad was able to re-purpose the "rape room" into his "red room of pain.")

Aswad is eager to deflower his new bride; but, first, they must pray.

After Aswad violently deflowers Aanisah, he tells her that not only has he given her a scorching case of herpes, she will also be passed around by his bodyguards because it is her duty to give pleasure to jihadis (before they go to paradise, where they will get more pleasure). She raises her eyes to meet Aswad's, and she smiles. She knows her duty, and she embraces it with all of passion that makes mothers send their sons off to be suicide bombers.

The next day, after prayers, Aswad tells Aanisah that he is going to show her something wonderful. They drive to the airport, where he straps her into a glider. She is giddy with excitement, and tells Aswad that she has never flown before. Her excitement builds until he arms the bomb and closes and locks her canopy. He comforts her over the radio as he climbs into the tow plane, and as they are taking off for their destination a mere 69 kilometers away.

Aanisah frantically calls Aswad, but he does not answer. She looks behind her, in the pilot's seat, and gazes on a timer, explosives, and boxes of ball bearings.

Her pleas to Aswad are met by radio silence. She thinks about how wonderful her life has been, and the contributions that she has made to Islam in her short lifetime. If only she had been able to give Aswad the little suicide bombers that he craved. If only.... She looks down on the Euphrates, and at Baghdad as the tow rope falls away.

She screams one last time into the dead radio. "Aswad!"

The glider, losing its momentum, noses over and into the crowded market, disappearing in an orange fireball as the masses are ripped asunder by the explosive power of the bomb, as well as the rat-poison-coated ball bearings and chunks of the fuselage of the glider.

As the tow plane banks right, Aswad surveys the wreckage and mayhem and he thinks, "I still have fourteen wives."

*By "gun" The Lifeguard means...well...a 9mm semi-automatic.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Happy Black History Month!

Black History Month?
Maybe We Need Muslim History Week.

Six years into the Obama Administration, and we are still using terms like "black ice" and "blackballed."  You'd think that in a post-racial world, we'd stop calling a "spade a spade" and start calling it a "fucking shovel."  You'd think.

Someone get Sharpton on the phone! STAT!

Two things popped out when The Lifeguard read this story about Mo'Nique.
First, isn't it interesting that Lee Daniels and Mo'Nique freely use the term "blackballed." I thought that was a racist term that was insensitive to blacks.

Second, Lee Daniels notes, at the end of the article, that Mo'Nique use the technical term...a "douchebag"...who is everything but a team player. (And, since Hollywood is all about the Benjamins, it makes sense that people who don't play the game get shunted aside, regardless of the depth of their talent.)

So, isn't it unfair to report that Hollywood is at fault (for keeping an undeniably talented black actress on the sidelines) when her friend (and undeniably talented black actor, director, and producer) admits that she's a difficult person with whom to work? Would this blunt Reverend Al's push to wring some of those Benjamins out of the Hollywood studios?

Also, can we get on the the "black ice" thing? The Lifeguard has been on the case for years, and has had no success. All he needs is a few million dollars, and a show on MSNBC. (Preferably following Rachel Maddow. The Lifeguard finds her strangely attractive, especially when she wears those tight blue jeans and riding boots.)

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Fifty Shades of
What the Crikey Fuck?!?

The Lifeguard returns with a review of the blockbuster movie, Fifty Shades of Grey, which was released on the world (like a case of the mumps) on Friday the thirteenth.  And, since there are about 100 million oversexed women who read the eponymous book (and another 100 million men who want to get laid), it seems that Valentine's Day weekend would be a good jumping off point for the movie, which had made about $35 million as of this writing.

Sadly for everyone (but EL James), the movie was horrendous. The acting in the film was awful. Even Judy Dench and Daniel Day Lewis couldn't make this shit believable (or watchable). Interestingly, in a story that demands that the audience accept the convention that Christian Grey (played by some dude) and Anastasia Steele (played by Dakota something-or-other) had some animal attraction, we are treated to two people with less on-screen chemistry than Bill Cosby and the twenty-six women who have accused him of drugging and raping them.

Christian Grey is a rich, brooding douche bag. Oh, sure, he can play the piano, fly a glider and a helicopter, and tie a necktie; but, then again, so could Thomas Crown. (And, Pierce Brosnan was way more likable.) Come to think of it, so was Steve McQueen. (See, Steve McQueen was in the original The Thomas Crown Affair, which was made back in 1968, when movies were dependent on acting, not CGI and shameless promotion.) He is dominant; and, quite possibly, a stalker. Then again, if he could carry a football, Christian Grey could play for the Ravens.

Anastasia Steele is a mousy college student, a lover of Hardy, and (naturally) a virgin, who meets Christian Grey when her roommate, a reporter for the school newspaper, comes down with the flu. After the interview, he starts stalking her, has his lawyers draw up some papers, and then he fucks out her brains. (After putting on a condom, of course.)

And then, Christian does some creepy things, Anastasia does some dopey things, and the movie ends, leaving us wanting...anal fisting. (Because, at least when you get the fist, you get it with lube.)

The Lifeguard gives it no stars.

And, may God have mercy on our souls.