Sunday, July 29, 2007

Tempest In A B-Cup...

Senator Hillary Clinton (Victim-NY) recently appeared on the Senate floor wearing a rose-coloured blazer over a black top; and, we saw Cleveland. There it was, on your TV screen. Hillary's cleavage. You had to look--sort of like looking at a car accident, or the ball going through Buckner's legs, or Bucky Fucking Dent's home run back in '78--because it was both horrible and titillating, all at the same time.

And now, Hillary--who chose the clothes--is claiming that she is a victim of the male world. The world that judges a woman based upon her clothes, her looks, and her physical appearance. The former First Lady, the junior senator from New York, and the front-runner in the Democrat Party's presidential field is a victim because people noticed that she might, in fact, be a woman.

So, the Hillary campaign sends out a plea for money because, as Senior Clinton adviser, Ann Lewis noted, women were "insulted."

The fund-raising letter sent by Lewis begins:

"Can you believe that The Washington Post wrote a 746-word article on Hillary's cleavage? ..... I've seen some off-topic press coverage--but talking about body parts? That is grossly inappropriate.

"Frankly, focusing on women's bodies instead of their ideas is insulting. It's insulting to every women who has ever tried to be taken seriously in a business meeting. It's insulting to our daughters--and our sons--who are constantly pressured by the media to grow up too fast."

Except, after years of hiding her femininity, Senator Clinton chose clothes that were somewhat revealing. Clothes that drew every one's attention to her body. Clothes that showed us something that we had hoped never to see. So, of course people noticed. It was news-worthy, and timely, especially in light of all of the press that her husband, the former President, has been doing lately.

"Hillary is a woman."

"Hillary is a real lady."

Everything that Hillary does focuses on her sex. Her slogan in the You-Tube Debate was something to the effect that "...sometimes the best man for a job is a woman."

So, perhaps she, and her sex-baiting advisers, should shut the fuck up. Rather than counting on the "Boob Factor" (voters who have them, or are them) for her candidacy, perhaps she should show the world that she is a thoughtful politician, not a whore for every weird constituency or victim of the slightest insult.

If she is to be President of the United States, she needs to be driven by her oath of office, the Constitution, and America; not her pollsters, the Hollywood elite, and the Blue States.

Oh, and don't ever wear that again, Mrs. Clinton. Not without a As an aside, I don't like looking at the Billy Buck footage, either.

Ed. Note: Due to various obscenity laws, and the bounds of decency, The Lifeguard has chosen not to publish, or link to, or ever look at again the footage of Senator Clinton's cleavage.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

British Airways Is My New Favourite Airline!

The captain of a Milan-Heathrow flight booted Arab princesses (from Qatar) off of BA 563 after male members of the princesses' entourage complained that the women were going to have to sit next to men that they did not know. (Gasp!)

Apparently, this is against Qatari custom (as well as the custom of other Gulf States); and as a result, two men in the princesses' party stood up and caused a ruckus.

The passengers in Business Class, when asked to move so as to accommodate the princesses, said "no." Apparently, it is customary--in the rest of the civilised world--to sit in your assigned seat. And, frankly, it was an assigned Business Class seat. A seat next to folks who had forked over about a G-Note for the privilege of flying Business. Indeed, the princesses would have sat next to people more than a little well-off, not the hoi polloi.

Rather than knuckle under to this preposterous behaviour, the princesses, and their servants, cooks, and other assorted hangers-on were escorted from the flight. A diplomatic incident will surely arise as a consequence of the pilot protecting the safety of his ship, his passengers and crew.

Of course had it worked, I might have tried it on my next flight:

Me: "Sorry, stewardess, my religion does not permit me to sit next to strange/fat/ugly/smelly/goofy men/women that I do not know (or, in a window or middle seat--or in Economy)."

Flight Attendant: "Oh, sir, I am so sorry that will be remedied immediately. Let me move you to First, next to Scarlett Johannson."

Me: "Lovely, she is my third cousin (twice removed)."

For Allah's sake, a religion that finds suicide bombing acceptable has a problem with women sitting next to strangers? Drag yourselves out of the ninth century and shut the fuck up.

Monday, July 23, 2007

The 411...

Just in case anyone wonders, the Lifeguard is meant to entertain. As such, we live by the following credo:

Offensive? Often.
Juvenile? Always.
Puerile? Natch.
Funny? Occasionally.

Hunting the shibboleth to extinction.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Yankees Lose 3-2 After Torre Pulls Wang
Out In The Seventh

So, there is a correlation....
Happy Anniversary!

I can not believe that I almost missed the chance to blawg Fat Boy's misstep of July 19, 1969. The day that he put a "blond in the pond."

All I can say, as one who has seen the road and the bridge, is that his story is so much Bravo Sierra.

So, on the 39th anniversary of Chappaquiddick, let us all celebrate with a Kennedy Cocktail--Chivas, with a splash!


Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Bucky Fucking Dent

40 home runs in 12 seasons.

The Red Sox were up 14 in July, 1978. The Yankees won the pennant and the Series.

Of course, the Yankees still own the biggest choke in baseball history.

Let us go back to the 2004 ALCS. The Yankees lead the ALCS 3-0. The Wild Card Red Sox win the next 8 games (including ALCS Games 6 and 7 in Yankee Stadium, and Fall Classic Games 3 and 4 in St. Louis), erase the Curse of theBambino, and win their first World Series title in 86 years.

Oh, and my two favourite sounds:

First, the sound of silence in Busch Stadium when Johnny Damon hit a lead-off home run to start Game 4.

Second, the sound of Mariano Rivera choking. Soft, gurgling coughs. And the Sox win! The Sox win!
The Evil Empire Rising...

Much to my chagrin, the Boston Red Sox have begun the so-called "Summer Swoon." The Yankees, on the other hand, are charging ahead, hoping to repeat the Summer of '78, when the aforementioned Evil Ones came back from 14 down (as of 29 years and 2 days ago) to win the AL East in a one-game tie-breaker.

As we citizens of Red Sox Nation know, Bucky Fucking Dent (.247/.297/.321), a man who only hit 40 home runs in 12 MLB seasons, hit a 310 foot shot (off of Mike Torrez) to give the Yankees a one-run lead. Of course, the assbags went on to win the game, 5-4.

The Yankees won the 1978 World Series, and ensured that the initials BFD would stand for something other than Big Fucking Deal.

So, tonight, the Sox lost to Kansas City, 9-3; and, the Yankees benefited from a Toronto pitching disaster of Mike Torrez proportions, grabbing the 3-2 win from the Blow Jays, in 10 innings.

The Yankees close to within 8 games, and Red Sox Nation despairs.


Monday, July 09, 2007

Arby's Is The Devil!

I went out for lunch today. I was craving roast beef; but, since there is no Kelly's, Bill and Bob, or Land And Sea nearby, I went to Arby's. And in so doing, I descended to the Seventh Level of Hell.

I was in line behind a couple--a lovely pair that tipped the scales, together, at a cool five hundred--who ordered six sandwiches (including a couple of Beef and Cheddar thingies), a large order of loaded potato calorie bombs, and two diet beverages. Small, of course. The only sad part was that they got their meal to go, because I wanted to watch--from a distance, of course--the feeding frenzy.

As I looked around, I noticed that, with the exception of myself and one other chap, everyone was obese--either regular or morbid--and wheezing as their joints laboured under the massive loads of blubber.

Now granted, the six sambos totaled about 2400 calories (between two people), and maybe this was the only meal that they were going to eat today (making it a 1500 calorie day); but, judging by the Size 20 stretch pants (on her) and the XXXL sweats (on him), I doubt it. In fact, I am sure that the happy couple were just having a mid-afternoon snack.

So, I have vowed, on this day, that I am done with Arby's--and other fast food--for a while. At least until I get that craving about a fortnight.*

*Let me know that you know the movie that refers to food cravings fortnightly.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Retardo DaVinci

Albert Arnold Gore, III, a/k/a Retardo DaVinci, was arrested for speeding along the San Diego Freeway, at 0215 HRS, on July 4th. He was driving his blue Toyota Prius at a cool hundred. When the CHiPs approached the car, they smelled marijuana and searched the vehicle. In so doing, they found less than an ounce of pot...and a pharmacy.

AlGore the Younger asked if they "...knew who he was."

Said one of the Highway Patrolmen, "What the fuck?!? Who knew a Prius could go that fast, without going downhill, without a tailwind."

Said another, "He was saving the environment. After all, the pot was organically grown."

Said yet another, "What a turd."

Former Vice President, AlGore the Older, said that, "The show must go on."

So, three things will happen:

First, we get a stupid-ass rock concert on Saturday, 07.07.07. A chance for a bunch of hypocritical twats to talk about how we are destroying the environment, before getting into their stretch HUMMERS and flying off on their G.Vs.

Second, we get (or will very soon) comparisons to how President Bush was arrested for the same sort of thing; therefore, no harm, no foul.

Finally, we get to see the Gore family everywhere we turn, as we hear about poor AlGore the Younger, and how his concern for global climate change made him turn to drugs and speeding. Urgh!

As someone noted, maybe AlGore the Older needs to stop trying to give the world a hug, and give one to his son.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

assWhole Foods

I was recently touring a Whole Foods Market when I saw this chap, dressed either for surgery or for some serious garbage picking. He was wearing khakis, an oxford, and surgical gloves--two pair of surgical gloves. He spent a good ten minutes looking at carriages, pulling them out, putting them back, taking them for a trial push. At first, I thought he was a store employee; then, an inspector. In the end, he turned out to be just another concerned shopper, afraid of making contact with the bodily fluids that surely coated every surface of the cart.

At Whole Foods, I found a veritable sociology experiment. Men wearing pouches and carrying man purses were in abundance. Hell, I had not seen that many pouches since I watched a Discovery Channel special on kangaroos.

Women with hairy legs, hairy armpits, and an aversion to hygiene. Men with bicycle shorts and gay pride tee-shirts. Children with parents allowing them to express themselves through their attire.

But, the food! Man, was it beautiful...and abundant. When next I go food shopping, I am going to Whole Foods. But, I am going to take a camera and a picnic, because I don't want to miss one minute of people watching. Wait, I don't need to take the picnic, because they have a restaurant, and free Wi-Fi, so that I can post from the store.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Pardon me?
President George Bush finally showed some sack, and commuted Lewis "Scooter" Libby's thirty month jail sentence. He left intact the $250,000.00 fine and the two years of probation in an effort to demonstrate that he upheld the rule of law. Fine, I suppose, but his middle-of-the-road position did nothing to endear the President to his Democrat rivals.
Both Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) bloviated about how this was just another attempt to subvert justice and to job the American people.
Sort of how the rule of law was respected when Sandy Berger stole, and later destroyed, notes relevant to the 9/11 Commission. Sort of like the way the rule of law was respected when then-President Bill Clinton pardoned Marc Rich after a large donation to the Democrat Party.
Face it, Libby was the fall guy for a witch-hunt, that ultimately had the wrong guy as its target.
It seemed that everyone knew that Libby did not leak Valerie Plame's name to Robert Novak; and, the investigation continued apace even after the leaker owned up to the slip.
Politically motivated investigations are never good, and never seem to get the right person. Hell, if the government were serious about this security breach, they would have nailed Joe Wilson for lying about how he got the job to go to Niger, and to his wife for all of her catting about, posing for Vanity Fair covers, writing books, and shopping screenplays.
At least Libby isn't going to jail. Now, the President should step up and grant a full pardon. Or, maybe that has to wait until he gets the chance to schtupp Libby's wife and Libby donates a cool million to the RNC.