Thursday, September 27, 2007


The baseball that Barry Bonds--late of the San Francisco Giants--hit to break Hammerin' Hank Aaron's all-time home run record was bought (for $752,467.00) by fashion designer, Mark Ecko. (Bonds referred to Ecko as a "fucking idiot" for paying so much for the horsehide-covered sphereoid.)

After over ten million votes were cast, Ecko is marking the ball with an asterisk and donating it to the Baseball Hall of Fame, in Cooperstown, NY, where it will be displayed.

This raises three interesting points:

First, I wish that I had thought of this...and that I had a spare $752,468.00 tucked in my mattress.

Second, regardless of what one thinks of Barry Bonds, he is an amazing athlete and a great hitter, with superlative timing, unbelievable hand/eye coordination, and a tremendous amount of natural ability. Sure, he may be an asshat; and, he certainly was on the juice; however, no amount of steroid use makes him better. Stronger, yes. Better, no. In order to hit a baseball, you have to do a million things right. None of those things are improved by steroids.

Finally, what other enhanced items will be donated to the BBHOF? Pete Rose's betting slips? Wade Boggs' Hair Club For Men membership form? Butch Hobson's FedEx envelope?

Beautiful, fucking beautiful.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

New Jersey Nazis? I Hate New Jersey Nazis!

(Or, MoveOn.Org Welcomes Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad To The United States)

A group of ignorant fucktards carved a giant swastika into a cornfield in Mercer County, New Jersey. The discovery was made at the start of Yom Kippur, and is similar to crop swastikas found in 1998 and 1999.

Said Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from his plane as he flew over the swastika, "I am so pleased to see the warm welcome from the Great Satan."

"I am hopeful that the imperialist dogs of the Great Satan will join me in the eradication of Jews and fags, of which Iran has none," President Ahmadinejad cooed.

The New Jersey State Police continue to investigate.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

To Continue This Blawg In English, Press 1 Now.

To continue this blawg in Spanish, hang up and dial 411 and find a class where you can learn to speak English, then call back and press 1.

Why, in the name of all that is holy, must we "press 1 for English?"

I doubt that calls made in France make you press 1 for French.

This is still the United States of America, and even though the politicians are too drunk on power (and afraid of the non-English speaking populous) to make English the official language, we should not have to press 1 to have lousy customer service in English (albeit English with an Indian accent).

Hell, the majority of those who can not speak English can not vote, so why the politicians are afraid escapes me.

So, if you are bored, write a letter to your Congressman, your state representatives, to Comcast. Tell them that you don't want to "press 1 for English."

Or, you can just sit and stew.



Now, I have heard every motherhumping thing.

The Reverend Jesse Jackson, a presidential candidate way back in 1984--and consumate race-baiter today--criticised Senator Barack Hussein Obama for "...acting like he's white."

Is that a bad thing? He's smart, he's employed, he's engaging, and he stands a better chance of getting the Democrat Party's nomination than the Reverend Jackson did 23 years ago.

Now, I thought that we had moved past the whole question of whether Senator Obama is "black enough." Really, what the hell does the Reverend Jackson want? Michael Vick? Is he black enough? What about Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice? Oops, wrong party, and we know that she is not black enough. Maybe P. Diddy? The Reverend Al Sharpton? Mike Tyson? Mumia Abu Jamal? Maya Angelou?

What the fuck does "black enough" even mean?

I don't ask if Senator Hillary Clinton is white enough. (I don't even ask if she is man enough. She is, by the way.)

President William Jefferson Clinton was the self-proclaimed "first black president." No one bitched about that claim. And, if he is the standard by which blackness is judged, then Senator Obama is most certainly black enough.

If we are to ever be a colour-blind society, we all (I'm talking to you, Reverend) need to stop this nonsense. The electorate of the United States is, in the main, not concerned with six juveniles in Jena, LA. Rather than claiming discrimination and prejudice, perhaps the Reverend Jackson should look at the root causes of situations such as that in Jena. Like joblessness, lack of education and literacy, and skyrocketing illegitimacy rates. Maybe he should applaud Senator Obama for coming so far.

Sure, curing these problems will be hard. It will take more than just some legislation and some pontificating; but, if the Reverend Jackson cares about blacks in America, he will use his bully pulpit to effect change, not to promote another generation of victims.

Point out the successes of black men and women--like Secretary of State Rice, former Secretary of State Colin Powell, Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy, actor Bill Cosby, media mogul Oprah Winfrey, and countless others--not the failures. Explain that each of these men and women got to where they were through hard work, education, and a strong sense that America is the greatest nation on earth, and that anyone can do anything they want, if they try.

When black children are held up to scorn and ridicule--acting "white"--for studying for tests, for speaking English, working hard, the black race will sink deeper into the soft racism of low expectations.

Sure, I am white; and, I have had advantages that others didn't. But, I have also been excluded because I am not "black enough." I was rejected at several law schools as my black friends (with similar grades and LSAT scores) got accepted. I was not hired for a position because the firm was "seeking greater diversity."

As an aside, I worked on the Reverend Jackson's 1984 Presidential Campaign (before I worked against him).

As a then-citizen of the great state of South Carolina, I was precluded from voting in the Republican Primary because President Ronald Wilson Reagan (the greatest president of my lifetime) was running, unopposed, for re-election. With the prodding of some friends, I changed my registration and went to work on the Jackson campaign.

I registered voters, held signs, and stuffed envelopes. I was, along with a bunch of other white Republicans, responsible for his victory in the South Carolina Primary.

And, when it was over, and the dust had settled, I went to work for President Reagan. The rest, as they say, is history.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


When I purchase a new car, I carefully run-in the engine. I drive at varied speeds and RPMs, occasionally taking my foot off of the accelerator to allow the engine to spool down, and to ensure thorough distribution of oil throughout the powerplant. At 1,000 miles, I change the oil and filter, replacing the factory-provided lubricant with full synthetic Mobil One. Then, I run the car out of gas. All the way out of gas. Bucking and stuttering and stalling out, so that I can know, within a mile or two, the range of my car.

Of course, this assumes several things: That I started with a full tank of gas, that I have driven sanely, and that all of the other variables that determine the mileage are similar.

So, tonight, I was not the least bit concerned when I got on the Mass Pike in my Volvo XC90. I had an empty tank, and was into the reserve. I figured that I could make it to the Natick Plaza, where I could fill up with some 87 Octane fuel (or maybe I would splurge, pumping a little 93 Octane). Unfortunately, I didn't notice the mileage at which I went into the reserve, and soon, my car was once more bucking and stuttering, just before it stalled out in a parking lot entrance.

And, there I sat, blocking traffic, while my hazard lights beat out a warning to approaching automobiles.

"Shit!" I said. "I can not believe that I did that."

"Fuck!" I said. "I can not believe that cop just rolled past me."

Then, a kind gentleman asked if I needed help. Another car stopped. Then, another. Soon, four people were helping me to push two tonnes of Swedish steel into a parking spot, and out of the way of the people trying to enter the lot.

Next, the man asked if I needed a ride to a filling station; and, if I needed a fuel can. (I note that he had three.)

And so, this man, after a hard day at work, drove me to buy gas, poured it into my tank, and made sure that my car would start. Then, he set off, accepting my thanks as his reward. And, something about "paying it forward."

So, I first want to thank the fine folks who helped me out today.

"Thank you."

To those who ignored a fellow human in need, I want to say, "Fuck off!"

Instead, I will say...

aw, forget it...

"Fuck off!"

Monday, September 10, 2007


Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA) cast his fifteen thousandth (15,000th) vote in the Senate, becoming only the third senator to achieve such a milestone. His colleague from Massachusetts, Senator John F. Kerry (who served in Viet Nam) honored the bloated one in his remarks to the Senate.

Notable is his "...titanic record of legislation affecting the lives of virtually every man, woman and child in the country." (Note the delicious irony in the use of the word, "titanic", another vessel that sank, causing drowning.)

Indeed, Senator Kennedy has affected countless millions by his misguided politics, his bloviating, and his idiocy.

Senator Kennedy has compared American soldiers to Saddam Hussein's goons, has sold out the American working class with immigration and minimum wage legislation, and has criticised an education bill (No Child Left Behind) that he authored. He has allowed, in his 1994 re-election campaign, his attack dogs to question Mitt Romney's religion, and has put party politics above the needs of the American public.

He has become the antithesis of Franklin Delano Roosevelt in that he has fought to pervert the intent of Social Security, welfare programmes, and national pride.

President Roosevelt interned tens of thousands of Japanese-Americans for national security reasons. It is hard to imagine Senator Kennedy supporting such a measure. President Roosevelt ensured the execution of German (and German-American) citizens who were determined to do America harm during World War II. Senator Kennedy has criticised this administration for steps far less draconian.

And finally, as to the comparison to Baltimore Orioles shortstop, Cal Ripken, Jr., who played in 2,632 consecutive games, it is true that both feats are amazing. It is, however, unfortunate that there is not the Senatorial equivalent of a Roger Clemens/Pedro Martinez fastball, thrown high and tight.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Nadine Learns That Being A Bean-Eating, Pot-Smoking Naturist Has Severe Consequences...

Nadine Fortune, a life-long naturist, had just twisted up a fatty and fired up for a few quick hits before her 2:00pm volleyball game. What happened next was the stuff of science fiction, or James Bond.

Much to Fortune's chagrin, the match was still glowing as she squatted to get a little "taste of nature." A pocket of methane, lingering in her small intestine, was released, and was ignited once it hit the glowing stick.

"The next thing I knew, I was flying," said Fortune. "I knew that Northern California Sinsemilla was great, but this was amazing."

And even though she suffered second-degree burns to her anus, she is eager to fire up for another trip.

Saturday, September 01, 2007


Announcer wants to have Boston College QB, Matt "Matty" Ryan's baby.

In a relatively short period of time, the announcer said the following:

1) The pro scouts will really be looking at Matty Ryan after that pass;

2) Matty Ryan has just moved into contention for the Heisman Trophy; and,

3) I love Matty Ryan almost as much as Brent Musberger loves Pete Carroll.

I note that Numbers 1 and 2 have been paraphrased. Number 3, I made up...but it is not too far from the truth.

At least I am not my friend M, a U of M grad, who is probably, at this very moment in time, contemplating a leap from a very tall building (after the #5 University of Michigan Wolverines lost to the Appalachian State Mountaineers--an NCAA Division 1-AA team).