Friday, December 28, 2012

Semantics

If That Rifle Were Used To Perform Abortions, Having One Would Be A Constitutionally Protected Right

Diane Feinstein (D-CA) is The Lifeguard's Twat of the Week for her misguided views on guns, gun owners, and the Second Amendment.

The Lifeguard wonders if she'll come to the Command Center to collect her award.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

You're Gonna Need Some Bleach For Your Eyes

Federal Regulations Require That
The Lifeguard Have The Occasional Picture Of An Ugly Chick

(In this case, the lucky lady is Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor.)

At a recent speaking engagement at Syracuse Law School, Sotomayor asked a comely 3L if it were true that The Lifeguard was this big.  When the student affirmed the question, Sotomayor gasped, "Santa Maria!"

In other news, Sotomayor was the justice who denied a request to block part of the federal health care law that requires health care plans to pay for emergency contraception pills, such as the morning-after pill.

Hobby Lobby Stores, and a sister company, Mardel, Inc., sued claiming that the requirement violated their religious beliefs.  Sotomayor, however, disagreed, citing government lawyers (as opposed to doctors) who said that the emergency contraception does not cause abortions.

The opinion will allow Hobby Lobby and Mardel, however, to continue to challenge the regulation in lower courts (while incurring $1.3 million per day in fines starting on January 1, 2013).

Now, frankly, The Lifeguard thinks that if there were severe restrictions on alcohol consumption, the need for morning-after pills might be reduced.  After all, if ugly people didn't get drunk, they wouldn't hook up and do the nasty.

Actually, the solution to the problem is to take all contraception off-prescription.  Sell it all, over-the-counter, next to the condoms, the Trojan vibrators, and pregnancy tests.  This will de-politicize birth control as an election issue, and will eliminate the requirement that insurance pay for any type of contraception.  The market will take care of the rest.

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal supports this move, as does The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.  The science has demonstrated that oral contraception is safe, and eliminating the requirement for a prescription would lower prices and end the bickering over who loves women more.

Call your representative in Washington, and ask them to support legislation that will permit the sale of all oral contraception over-the-counter.  Ring (202)224-3121, today.  And, remember, friends don't let friends fuck ugly people.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Somebody's Gonna Come Tonight...

The Lifeguard Will See You Now
The last two virgins arrived, in hopes of being sacrificed to appease the Mayan gods.  (The Lifeguard didn't have the heart to tell them that the end of the world was supposed to be last Friday.)

Fortunately, The Lifeguard has a large package to deliver, and the girls seem game to help with the handling and wrapping of the package.  (Don't worry, The Lifeguard will take care of the delivery.)

So, from The Lifeguard's Command Center to yours, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

HFWTFMF?!?

Dear GOP,

Next time, run a candidate who wants to be president.  (And, who doesn't have a son named "Tagg" for a spokesman.)

Love, 

The Lifeguard

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Fucking Mayans...

She Gave To Save
And, obviously, the Mayan gods were satisfied by her acts to the point that they didn't destroy the world yesterday.  (The Lifeguard was equally satisfied, for the record.  Eleven times.)

Anyway, it's time for a post-apocalypse (and pre-Christmas) Speedos!

  • In Massachusetts, a prisoner, Michelle (nee Robert) Kosilek is seeking a taxpayer-funded sex change operation.  Apparently, this is part of the punishment for killing his wife back in 1990.  (He killed her in a fight over a frock at Filene's Basement.)  While it is true that, for a carton of Newports, prisoners would chop of Kosilek's Johnson, he would prefer that the removal be effected by qualified sex-reassignment professionals.
  • In Kentucky, an appellate court upheld a lower court's finding that Phillip Seaton, a 66-year-old man, had consented to the removal of his penis.  (It's a cancer thing, in case you were wondering.)  While it is true that the insurance company had a two-inch deductible, Seaton sued his doctor for the whack-job, and lost at trial.
  • Maybe The Lifeguard should try to get Kosilek and Seaton together?  
  • President Obama is in Hawaii, for the funeral of the late Senator Daniel Inouye (D-HI).  And, since the timing worked, President Obama has decided to hang out for a few weeks (and a few million dollars) for a much-needed holiday.  
  • The Lifeguard thinks it's wonderful that the president gets a break.  He's been very busy, don't you know.
  • When The Lifeguard read that Georgia was rebuilding monuments to Stalin, he tried to remember a football star from the University of Georgia with the surname Stalin. Then, he remembered...there is another Georgia.
  • Apparently, being a flatulent turd can get you a reprimand.  (Unless you are an elected flatulent turd.)
  • Even in death, Steve Jobs is a dick.
  • Senator John F. Kerry (D-MA), who speaks French and who served in Viet Nam, might well be our next Secretary of State.  This post is becoming the dumping ground for people who just didn't have what it takes to be the president; and, The Lifeguard wonders if this is a good thing.  Do we really want a man, who was the choice of every Third World dictator to be POTUS, to be America's chief diplomat?
  • Is it worse to marry a man for his money (Teresa Heinz Kerry), or to marry the widow of the man she married for his money (Senator John Forbes Kerry).
That's all for now.  The Lifeguard has got some Christmas shopping to do.

Fucking Mayans.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

T-Minus 2

The Mayans Predict The End Is Near
The Lifeguard hopes that converting these virgins will appease the gods.

(The Lifeguard has a more flexible definition of "virgin sacrifice" than did the Mayans.)

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Respect

Serena Williams
In the interest of equal time, The Lifeguard presents she of the really toned arms.

Laughter Is The Best Medicine


She Has Toned Arms
Tennis phenom, Caroline Wozniacki, impersonates Serena Williams (who has really toned arms) at an exhibition match in Brazil, and the tennis world goes batshit.

Seriously?  She stuffs a few towels in her underwear and bra and people start screaming "racist."  She wasn't in black-face, or speaking Ebonics, or making jokes about West Nile mosquitoes eating home-cooking.  She was goofing around, in a good-natured fashion, and shouldn't be excoriated for her antics.

Has the world lost its collective sense of humor?  

Sunday, December 09, 2012

The Lifeguard's Porn Name Should Be "Fiscal Cliff"

IMF Chief Christine Lagarde
Talks About The Lifeguard's Asset
To avoid going over the fiscal cliff, the United States needs to raise taxes and cut spending.   Lagarde noted that it's a little like having The Lifeguard behind you.

Tax increases and austerity measures are like sex with The Lifeguard, Lagarde remarked.  "It's a little painful at first, but then once you get into it, it feels so good."

Thursday, December 06, 2012

HFWTFMF?!?

President Obama Shows Off The Quality Healthcare Available Under The Affordable Care Act
In an effort to further fuck up the American economy, the IRS finalizes a new tax for medical devices.  (It might not be so bad if the regulatory costs didn't add billions, already.)

In true Washington fashion, the tax probably costs more to collect than it will raise.  The tax on sutures, knee replacement implants, and the like, will bring in an estimated $29 billion over ten years.  That's $2.9 billion a year for ten years.  Congress tips that, for hell's sake.

As President Ronald Reagan noted, corporations don't pay taxes.  (Because they pass the taxes on to the consumer.)  In this case, the tax is to help pay for ObamaCare, so as the medical implant manufacturers pass on the costs to the consumer, the ultimate payer will be the taxpayer.

Thank Christ contraception is covered under ObamaCare, 'cause we are going to get fucked.  Over and over again.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

HFWTFMF?!?!?

Bangor Man Doesn't (Bang Her)
So he smacks her with his penis.

Now, if The Lifeguard had wielded his...instrument, he'd have likely killed her.

Reminds me of the story of the man who comes home to find his wife furiously packing her suitcase.

"Where do you think you are going?" he asks.

"To Las Vegas," she says.  "I have heard that in Las Vegas a woman can make $100,000.00 a year just by having sex.

So, her husband starts packing his suitcase.

"I'm coming with you," he says.  "I have got to see how you're going to live on $50.00 a year."

The Lifeguard Is Back!

The Bender Is Over
Following the 2012 presidential election, The Lifeguard figured that since the Romney campaign chose to ignore his wisdom (again), and that the American voters had elected a fast and furiously non-Muslim (again), The Lifeguard would spring into action.  [Read "start drinking heavily."]

So, with the assistance of Nurse Midori, he retired to the bunker and began drowning his sorrows.

But, Nurse Midori is a competent caregiver (having worked closely with Nurse Dagmar when The Lifeguard last required medical attention); and soon, The Lifeguard was contemplating the meaning of life, the perfect martini, and the ultimate creme brulee.

Which brings The Lifeguard to the reason for this post...

Brent Musburger makes watching a college football game almost impossible.

That said, The Lifeguard will be hoping for a tie as the (undefeated) Notre Dame Fighting Irish take on the USC Trojans, in sunny Southern California.

Also, The Lifeguard wonders if this game would even be possible without ObamaCare.  After all, I thought it would be against the tenets of the Catholic faith for Catholics to be covered (from time to time) by Trojans.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

It's gonna be wet, and there'll be a lot of blowing...

The Lifeguard Has Been Getting Ready For Sandy...

And, because she is coming, he is planning on spending the next forty-eight hours in the bunker, consuming spectacular quantities of food and drink, and waiting for her departure.  

Coincidentally, the hurricane is also called "Sandy."


Monday, October 22, 2012

#Speedos!

"Don't You Want Me?"
The Lifeguard was recently in Reno, and he ran into Sandra Fluke (and ten whole Obama supporters).  She made The Lifeguard an offer, noting that with ObamaCare, she had contraception and time on her hands.  The Lifeguard, however, had shit to do, so he declined.

That is why you cats get a pre-debate Speedos!

  • President Obama, who remains fiercely committed to not being a Kenyan-born Muslim, raked in a trifecta of endorsements from some of the biggest freight in the world.  Hugo Chavez, Raul Castro, and Vladimir Putin gave high praise to the Preezy of the Heezy, noting that not even Jimmy Carter got this much help prior to the 1980 election.
  • Will Hugo Chavez be President Obama's honoured guest at tonight's debate, at Lynn University?  The world waits.
  • Lance Armstrong now has as many Tour de France titles as The Lifeguard.  Still, The Lifeguard can't help but be a little saddened by the witch-hunt that led to the UCI stripping him of those victories.  (And, had Armstrong decided to duke it out with USADA, and he had won, there would still be a cloud hanging over him.  Just ask Roger Clemens.)
  • Do any of the undecided voters care about foreign policy?  Probably not.  The Lifeguard suggests that this is the reason that tonight's debate is the last debate.
  • In the penultimate debate, Governor Romney got the president on record as having fumbled the ball on the Benghazi fiasco.  So, he could spike it when bin Laden was killed; but, he couldn't hold onto it on this possession.  Another reason that the president is the J. Bruce Ismay of this administration.
  • The Lifeguard thinks that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton might have the biggest balls of anyone in this feckless administration.
  • Justice Elena Kagan claims that she would not have been Obama's nominee to the Supreme Court if she had not been a woman.  Hmm.  That answers the question about her sex.  (The Lifeguard was, frankly, unsure.)  It also demonstrates that when race, sex, or national origin are used as factors in determining a nominee, the likelihood of other, better-qualified people being overlooked increases.
  • Thousands of women called Planned Parenthood to schedule mammograms.  The Lifeguard wants to offer his services to conduct breast exams, in the event that Planned Parenthood is backlogged.  (You must be between the ages of 18 and 28, be fit, and have at least three hours for the screening.)
  • FLOTUS Michelle Obama advised people to vote early because their "...toilet[s] may be overflowing on election day."  Doesn't that presume that Obama voters have toilets?
All right, y'all.  The Lifeguard has to get ready for tonight.  Watch this space for an in-depth analysis of the Battle in Boca.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

It took The Lifeguard a few minutes...

The Lifeguard's View On Thursday
The Lifeguard was driving to Boston, and was shocked to see so damn many Mazda Miatas.

Then, he realised that it was October 11th.


Then, it all made sense.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Yeah baby!

Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport
Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, speaking at Let's Move Australia Forward Fest, said that "...if The Lifeguard were this big, she'd show him around down under."

And, she'd show him Australia, too.

Which reminds The Lifeguard of a joke.

Q:  What do Australia and a 90 year old woman have in common?

A:  Everybody knows it's down under, but nobody cares.

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

#DenverDebate


The Lifeguard is here, with much-anticipated commentary on the much-anticipated Presidential Debate.  (By “here,” The Lifeguard means “here” on the Lifeguard Stand.

  • Six 15-minute segments.  One segment for every beer in a six-pack.
  • Who dressed President Obama?  Why in the name of all that is holy did Barack Hussein Obama, who remains firmly committed to being not a Muslim, wear a blue tie and a blue suit against a blue background?
  • Governor Romney has magnificent hair, a reasonable tie, and a firm handle on the facts.  His hands are moving too much, however.  The Lifeguard feels like he is watching a WASP channeling a Sicilian olive grower.
  • Governor Romney, in the first segment, is on fire.  (He still seems very uncomfortable in his own skin, but he is on fire.)
  • President Obama has the solution to the troubles in America:  Re-elect Bill Clinton.
  • Governor Romney has talked about all manner of tax increases, tax rates, and tax revenues.  Why, however, is Romney not talking about the tax increases that spin off the Affordable Care Act?
  • Jim Lehrer looks like he needs a death panel. 
  • Jim Lehrer aghast that Governor Romney wants to cut funding to PBS, if he is elected to the presidency.  His eyes got mighty wide.
  • BHO, talking about why it wasn’t his fault that there is a $16 trillion deficit, mentions “aircrafts” that Congress got, but that the military didn’t want.  That’s like saying that you’re worried about the Viet Congs.
  • If BHO is so worried about tax policy, then why doesn’t he push for a reduction in the corporate taxation rate to something a little more reasonable, like 20%.  After all, Ronald Reagan was right when he said, “Corporations don’t pay taxes.”
  • Romney beats the shit out of BHO on the issue of so-called Green Energy jobs.  (You know, the jobs that he created at Solyndra.)
  • This is like watching a boxing match, where the aging heavyweight gets schooled by the young challenger.  Sort of like watching Rocky, where everyone is wearing a suit.
  • This is so boring.
  • According to President Obama, private insurance needs to, “…make a profit.”  Finally, he mentions the need for private companies to “make a profit.”
  • Repeal Dodd-Frank!
  • Romney, on RomneyCare.  He’s got a better grasp on things than Obama does on ObamaCare.
  • The Lifeguard fell asleep for about 30 minutes.  Thank you, Tito.
  • The Lifeguard is surprised that the Secret Service didn’t tackle Governor Romney, because he was killing the president.
  • This was like watching Rocky Balboa beat the shit out of Clubber Lang in Rocky III.
  • MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow seems to give Romney the win.  A sign of the apocalypse?
  • Why don’t people understand that keeping the status quo, vis a vis the Bush Tax Cuts, is not a tax increase?  And we let these people vote?  Fuckwits.
  • If the Presidential Debate Commission wanted someone from PBS to moderate tonight, they should have gotten Big Bird.

That’s all for now, kids.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Never Forget

Never Forget
What A Country
The other day, The Lifeguard was talking to his friend, J.  It seemed that reports of his demise had been greatly exaggerated; and, that he had taken up yoga as part of a drive to improve his flexibility and energy levels.

When The Lifeguard asked him why, he noted, with a wry smile, that he had been shacked up with a porn star, and that the steady diet of Viagra and Vitamin E had taken a toll on his health.

"My yoga instructor has me bending over backwards," J said.  "It's like I've found the Fountain...of Middle Age."  

"But," said J, "it gets old."

Life with a porn star can take it's toll, as The Lifeguard well knows.  One can only endure so much, and as The Lifeguard has often noted, "Show me a porn star, and The Lifeguard will show you a guy who is tired of fucking her.  And her friends.  (Often, all at the same time.)"

There is, seemingly, no downside to dating a porn star; however, it gets tiresome when your friends say, "Oooh!  I loved her work in Doing Miss Daisy."       No, a relationship is more than just threesomes, fake tits, and public fornication.  It requires conversation, mutual respect, and a connection with the other person.  (Although, the threesomes, fake tits, and public fornication don't hurt.)

So, The Lifeguard asked J what happened to the porn star.

"She ran off with my yoga instructor."




Friday, September 07, 2012

#DNC2012 Redux

"The Lifeguard Is Huge!"
Former Michigan governor, Jennifer Granholm had the kind of meltdown that General Motors and Chrysler had.  We can only hope that America doesn't have to bail her out, too.

She did, however, get one thing right.  The Lifeguard is huge.

Speedos!

  • Why didn't the DNC get former North Carolina senator John Edwards to channel Vice President Biden's father?  Then, we could have gotten to the bottom of the whole respect thing.
  • By the way, where was John Edwards?  Wasn't he a vice presidential candidate?
  • "SLUTS VOTE" is the best-selling button from the convention.  Huh?
  • Vice President Biden fired up the crowd, and got people salivating for Himself.  Sadly, President Obama was unable to follow Biden's opener.
  • The Lifeguard thinks that President Barack Hussein Obama (who is furiously non-Muslim) could have read the Akron, Ohio telephone book and gotten the delegates writhing in ecstasy.  
  • The Lifeguard thinks that Phil Mickelson might be more annoying than the Preezy of the Heezy.  God knows, he doesn't play as much golf as President Obama does.
  • Why didn't President Obama speak Wednesday night?  The Lifeguard thinks that the DNC should have saved President Clinton for last.  (After all, is speech is the only one that people are talking about.)
  • The unemployment numbers are about to be released.  The Lifeguard thinks that they will be good for President Obama.  (And, that they will be revised later.)  The unemployment rate falls to 8.1%.  On the face, good news for President Obama.  However, the labor participation rate is at the lowest point in a generation.  (U-6 at 14.7%)  96,000 new jobs created, but more than 350,000 people stopped looking.
  • The Lifeguard expects August unemployment rate revisions in about three months.  Say, about November 7th.
  • There isn't much to say about the president's acceptance speech.  Nothing, that is, that hasn't been said 127 times before.
  • The Lifeguard notes that recently, there has been a significant spike in readership in Afghanistan.  (Apparently, the country's one computer is getting a workout.)  The most common search?  "Hot Lesbians."
Lifeguard, out!

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

#DNC2012

Charlotte's Web
The Democrat National Convention began in earnest, in The Queen City, Charlotte, North Carolina.  ("The Queen City" is not a reference to the DNC platform position on LGBT issues.)  Once again, The Lifeguard wades into a pool that, quite clearly, does not have enough chlorine, and which is too shallow for all of the idiots who have been diving in with reckless abandon.

In other words, it's the DNC edition of Speedos!
  • Los Angeles mayor, Antonio Villaraigosa, a Democrat, remarked of the Republicans,  “You can't just trot out a brown face or a Spanish surname and expect people are going to vote for your party or your candidate."
  • Apparently, that's why the Democrats brought out Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, the Brothers Castro, and Mrs. Obama.  
  • When The Lifeguard heard that the Castros were going to address the convention, he wondered who was going to speak first, Fidel, or Raul.
  • San Antonio mayor, Julian Castro became the first Hispanic to deliver the keynote address for the Democrats.  It sort of left The Lifeguard wondering, "Didn't the Republicans already do something like that?"
  • Mayor Castro talks about how we can't all "...go our own way."  How we need to stick with the things that unify us.  (You know, like a common language.)  Somehow, The Lifeguard thinks that Mayor Castro is just fine when it comes to holding on to the language of one's ancestors, even if that divides us as a nation.
  • The Lifeguard must admit that Mrs. Obama, who holds the full-time, unpaid job as First Lady of the United States, has finally gotten her arms in shape.  
  • The Lifeguard must also admit that he threw up in his mouth when he heard that being first lady was a full-time, unpaid job.
  • If a Republican said what Mayor Villaraigosa said, he (or she) would be pilloried in the press.  And yet, isn't that what the Democrats do?  All of the time.
  • America's debt topped $16 trillion.  That got about as much press as Mayor Villaraigosa's comment.
  • The First Lady's speech was...okay.  About like Mrs. Romney's speech a week before.  (But, since Mrs. Obama doesn't have a dressage horse, the media thinks that she relates better to the American public.)
  • Isn't anyone bothered at all of the Hitler references being made by Democrats?  Anyone?
  • If The Lifeguard compared Mrs. Obama to...say...Eva Peron, would people get all bat shit about it?
  • Evita's dress was made by Tracy Reese.  Good luck buying it for $395.00.
  • The same article compares Evita to Katniss Everdeen. 
  • The Lifeguard thinks that political conventions would have way more viewers if every delegation sent one male and one female, as tribute.  Then, the winner from each party could fight to the death.  It would show that we, as a nation, were pretty fucking tough.
That's all for now. 

Peace, y'all!

Friday, August 31, 2012

Convention Redux

The Speech Of His Life
The Lifeguard offers his thoughts on the Mitt Romney speech.  You know, because you want to know what The Lifeguard is thinking right about now.
  • The RNC video that is going to precede his acceptance speech is so saccharine-sweet, it’s going to make The Lifeguard a diabetic.
  • Clint Eastwood is going to be the mystery speaker.  How awesome is that?  But, he made a joke about The Oprah crying.  Ten-to-one, that comment gets some Democrat operative riled up, talking about the Republican “War on Women.”
  • The remarks about the Afghanistan morass were exceptional, as was the line about “Mr. Romney not being able to do that to himself.”
  • Eastwood would have been better served to have simply said, “The first thing we do is kill all of the lawyers.”  (Of course, both The Lifeguard and Romney are lawyers, so maybe not all of the lawyers.)
  • Hell, let’s get Clint Eastwood for President.  “Politicians are employees of ours.”  Well said, Clint.  Well said.  Also, the empty chair was brilliant.  As if to say, "President Obama is not at the helm of this ship that is America.  (And, sure enough, President Obama leaves the Big Boy Chair as empty as his suit.)
  • The saddest part is that Vice President Joe Biden is the intellect of the Democrat party.
  • The Lifeguard would sooner have Dirty Harry than Dirty Barry.
  • Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) is…on…fire.  Very nice reference to the hopes and dreams of Cubans living in oppression in their island paradise.
  • Senator Rubio is inspiring, but The Lifeguard would have preferred to have Governor Christie doing the introduction.
  • Governor Romney is tanned, rested, and…well, mostly ready.
  • He’s speaking too slowly.  And, I am getting a distinct John “My Father Was a Mill Worker” Edwards vibe.  Who writes this crap?  The Lifeguard is surprised that he didn’t say that he was Mexican.
  • Boring.
  • Sure, he poked fun at BHO; but, he doesn’t have the personality to deliver many of the lines that would, otherwise, garner huge applause.  And, because of the pace of his speech, the crowd didn’t always know when to applaud; or, for how long.
  • The best line:  “The best feeling you had about BHO was the day you voted for him.”  (The Lifeguard would have liked to have heard Romney say, “Obama says I like to fire people.  Well, when, like the president, they aren’t doing their jobs, they deserve to be fired.”)
  • He stumbles on a few words.  More than you should stumble over, when giving the biggest speech of your life.  The most important speech in your life.
  • Governor Chris Christie is, as The Lifeguard writes this, kicking himself for not running for president.
  • The Lifeguard doesn't care about "likability."  Sometimes, you just don't like your president (or your boss); but, you know that they are the right man (or woman) for the job because of their intelligence, experience, and their character.  That is what gives Governor Romney a leg up on the Preezy of the Heezy, not the fact that he'd be a swell guy to have a cold beer (or some other decaffeinated beverage) with on a hot, humid day.
  • Romney is killing it, now.  (Almost thirty minutes into this speech.) 
  • It’s over.  Thankfully.  (About two minutes after he started to hit his stride.)
More thoughts later.

Adios!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Tampa!

"The Lifeguard Is This Big."
The Lifeguard was called upon to work his magic in Tampa.  Well, not in Tampa, but from very far away.
  
Condoleezza Rice, speaking at the Republican National Convention, acknowledged The Lifeguard.  (She said something about taking him to play a round at Augusta National, since The Lifeguard has a "magnificent driver with a very stiff shaft.")

But, to be frank, The Lifeguard isn't going anywhere with a woman who appears on national television with lipstick on her teeth.


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

No Lifeguard.

Fail!
The Lifeguard thinks that, had Diana Nyad been facing the threat of being sent to a Cuban prison for her failed attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida, she would have made it.

Still True...

The Lifeguard Actually Misses The Olympics

Spiffy!

It Looks Better On Her
There was no room for the "s"; but, y'all get the idea, right?

  • She of the Incredibly Toned Arms hosted an official "Kids' State Dinner" where she served 'Cabbage Sloppy Joes' and 'Zucchini Fries.'  The menu was "...composted [sic] of winning recipes..." submitted by children from across the country.  Freudian slip?  Feed kids enough compost, and they will never be fat.
  • Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo), who made headlines (in a bad way), has been dis-invited to the Republican National Convention.  While The Lifeguard believes in freedom of speech, and a person's right to make stupid (or offensive) statements, The Lifeguard thinks that this shitweasel, Akin, has got to go.
  • Is there any other kind of rape but the forcible kind?
  • Isn't what Congress does to our country, on a daily basis, under colour of law, their idea of legitimate rape?  (Actually, they call it saving us from ourselves; but, The Lifeguard will go with rape.)
  • Will Joseph Kennedy, III's--who is running for Barney Frank's seat--comment, that Tel Aviv is the capital of Israel, get half as much attention as Todd Akin's stupid-ass comment? 
  • Does anyone want to be thought of as "running for Barney Frank's seat?" 
  • There is a shortage of farm labour in California this year; but, yet, California has a rather high unemployment rate.  Um...jobs?  Unemployed workers?  It seems like a no-brainer to The Lifeguard. Maybe the unemployed can take that high-speed rail to the jobs.
  • Maybe $9.25 an hour doesn't seem like it's that much; but, it's still $9.25 an hour.  (Semi-skilled workers can make $12-18.00 per hour.)  Of course, if one gets that for staying home, collecting a welfare check, maybe it's not all that attractive.  And, shouldn't this be an issue in the presidential campaign?
  • A syphilis outbreak has shut down the porn industry.  Actors are being notified and tested, as they rush to deal with this sexually transmitted disease.  Over 1,000 performers are out of work as a consequence of the outbreak, and these jobs are likely to go offshore.  Shouldn't this also be an issue in the presidential campaign?
  • Actually, it shouldn't.  The Lifeguard would just like to hear Vice Presidential Biden talk porn on one of the Sunday chat shows.
  • Speaking of rape, Nike is going to be selling the new LeBron X shoe for $315.00 a pair.  Nike has established rules for retailers, to ensure security at the release of the shoes for sale.  Increased security.  For the sale of sneakers.  What is the world coming to?  The next thing you'll tell The Lifeguard, the stores won't be allowed to take EBT cards for the purchase of these pumped up kicks.
  • The Lifeguard doesn't think that being $315.00 lighter will help you to run faster than a bullet.
  • Twenty-one visible piercings.  (The number on the clerk at the supermarket.)  This requires no further comment.
Lifeguard, out!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

HFWTFMF?!? Redux

In the new season of Dancing With The Stars, Barry and Joe will become the first same-sex couple to participate in the terpsichorean contest.

This will go a long way to cement the gay vote, the housewife vote, and the socially inept loser vote for Team Dopes and Chains.

HFWTFMF?!?

The Exit For The Road To Happiness
You guessed it!  It's the post-London 2012 edition of Speedos!

  • Vice President Joe Biden offended Republicans when he said that the Ryan-Romney ticket would put (black) people back in chains.  But, since the Democrats can't be racists, there is no way that Biden's use of a chains reference--to a predominately black audience--does anything to inflame racial sentiments.  Neither does Hillary!'s comment about Ghandi running a gas station in St. Louis.  Or, the Preezy of the Heezy's comment that his grandmother was a typical white person.  Or that Senator Harry Reid was impressed by the "...light-skinned Obama's lack of a 'Negro Dialect.'" 
  • So, why do people go bat-shit when any Republican mentions a "tar baby"?  Or, when anyone uses the word niggardly?
  • Maybe Biden was trying to say that the Republican plan for handling the black unemployment crisis was to put black people back in chains.
  • Saudi Arabia is building a women-only city, where 5,000 women can work freely, out of the sight of gawking men.  The Saudis claim that this will solve the underemployment problem faced by their highly-educated female population.  The Lifeguard thinks that this will further marginalize women in the Islamic world.
  • Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, selected Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) as his running mate.  Immediately, the Democrat machine began smearing Ryan for his evil plans to throw granny over the cliff, to make the rich richer, and to destroy America as we know it. 
  • The Lifeguard thinks that pushing a grandma (or two million) over the cliff could save Social Security, Medicare, and the pension funds of several large cities.
  • Maybe the Social Security Administration's purchase of 174,000 bullets gives us some insight on the Obama Administration's plan to save Social Security.
The Lifeguard knows that this is a little too brief, but he's got shit to do.

More later, y'all.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Pure gold.

"I Love The Lifeguard!"
That's what Katrin Holtwick said when she learned that The Lifeguard was named the Official Blogger of the German Women's Beach Volleyball Team.

The Lifeguard would write more on the subject, but he has to go and remove some tape.  For science.

Monday, August 06, 2012

Marilou Dozois-Prévost

She Also Has A Great Snatch

The Lifeguard is a fan of the snatch.

Nobody Bloody Cares Redux

This Guy Sucks, Too
The Lifeguard always thought that Joe Buck and Tim McCarver--the Dynamic Douche-o--were the worst broadcast team ever.

Then, NBC gets Bob Costas and this dude to cover London 2012.

Seriously?  And what's the problem with wardrobe?  Why doesn't this dude wear a tie?  Or, at least a shirt with a collar.  And, what's with the hair?  Who the fuck cuts this cat's hair?  The same clown who styles Bruce Jenner's mane?

The Lifeguard can't believe that NBC can't do better than Costas and what'shisname (pictured above).

Nobody Bloody Cares

That is all.

Sunday, August 05, 2012

London Journal, Part Trois

Speedos!
Julia Rohde, participating in the Women's 53kg Group B Weightlifting, fails on her final lift.

Though her performance in London was a disappointment, she still has an amazing snatch.


London Journal, Part Deux

Speedos!
Another day, another buttload of shitty Olympic coverage by NBC.  In fact, as far as The Lifeguard is concerned, NBC doesn't mean "National Broadcasting Corporation," it stands for "Nobody Bloody Cares!"

  • Bob Costas sucks.  He should retire.  The only bright spot is that with Costas getting the big dough for his sappy human interest shit, there is no way that NBC would hire Tim McCarver and Joe Buck.
  • Did The Lifeguard mention that he thinks that Bob Costas sucks?
  • Darya Klishina (pictured above), is a super-hot Russian...um...athlete.  She's really...um...talented, and in contention for Olympic gold in whatever event in which she competes.
  • The Chinese badminton team won a gold medal in women's doubles.  Unfortunately, Wang Xiaoli and Yu Yang (who were disqualified for tanking a match in group play, and who are now on their way to Outer Mongolia for bringing shame and dishonour to China), brought the wrong kind of publicity to this sport.
  • An Indian chick won the bronze medal in badminton, to become the second Indian chick to win an Olympic medal.
  • In badminton, which is the most commonly misspelled sport in the Olympics, the players whack around a shuttlecock with racquets.  Shuttlecock.
  • There is such a sport as Male Synchronised Diving.  This is only slightly more ridiculous than Female Synchronised Diving.
  • Ryan Lochte is a real class act.
That's all, y'all.  You have no idea how difficult it is to comment on the shitty Olympic coverage when you don't ever turn on the television.

Now, where's Darya's telephone number?

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

London!

Speedos!
The London 2012 edition, just for you.

  • British swimmer, Rebecca Adlington (pictured above) won a bronze medal in the 400m freestyle.  She was nosed out--which is pretty hard to believe--by the Frenchwoman, Camille Muffat, and the American, Allison Schmitt.  (This marks the first time in history that France has ever beaten the US and Great Britain at anything.)
  • In gymnastics, the U.S. women won a gold medal for the first time since 1996.  The Lifeguard could not care less.  Now, if a 5'11" Michelle Obama, with legs (and those famously toned arms), participated....
  • Why is it that the press swoons over the FLOTUS (and her $6,800.00 jacket) and ridicules Ann Romney for her $990.00 blouse?  [Rhetorical question.]  Both articles of clothing were pretty fucking hideous, which suggests to The Lifeguard that Jacobim Mugatu's Derelicte line will be a smashing success.
  • In no universe does Mrs. Obama put the Duchess of Cambridge to shame.
  • Vincent Hancock (USA) won a gold medal in skeet shooting.  Kim Rhode (USA) won the women's gold medal in skeet shooting.  The two lines of this bullet equals all of the media attention that this sport has gotten.  
  • Do you have any idea how elusive skeet are?  Did anyone think to mention the goodwill that will be gained by sending the dead skeet to feed the  hungry children in Africa?
  • Gore Vidal is dead, at 86.  (The Lifeguard didn't even know he was sick.)
  • The Baltimore Bullet, Michael Phelps, becomes the most successful Olympian ever.  Ever.  How cool is that?
  • The Lifeguard saw an interview with Michael Phelps' agent.  How sad is it that Olympians compete, not for the love (or glory) of sport, but for the endorsement dough from Head & Shoulders.
  • Some Saudi chick will compete in the +78kg category in judo, in a hijab.  After seeing the athlete, The Lifeguard suggests a burqa.
  • Isn't it ironic that a Muslim will compete in judo?
  • The Lifeguard doesn't see why it matters.  No one will be watching the judo competition anyway.
  • Chinese swimmer, Ye Shiwen (who looks more like a Chinese boy than a Chinese girl), won gold in the 200m IM.  She said that she had not taken performance-enhancing drugs, and that everyone should ignore the bulge in her suit, her Adam's Apple, and her deep voice.
More Olympic commentary later.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

HFWTFMF?!?

Banned From The Olympics
Greek triple-jump champion, Voula Papachristou, was booted from the Greek Olympic team because of an unpopular tweet.

On Twitter, the pulchritudinous star noted, "With so many Africans in Greece, the West Nile mosquitoes will be getting home food!!!"

The statement isn't particularly funny; but, it's also not a reason to ban someone from participating in the Olympics.  After all, West Nile is a vector-borne disease, first isolated in the West Nile District of Uganda, in 1937.  She was merely attempting to make a joke about how the....  Wait.  Does The Lifeguard really have to explain this to y'all?  It's not racism.

As far as The Lifeguard is concerned, and since she now appears to have some free time, Voula can watch the Olympics with him.  There might even be some jumping.  Three times.  Three times a day.