Friday, February 27, 2009

It's Lent!

The Lifeguard Goes 57 Minutes...*

Lent is here, baby. It began with Ash Wednesday (duh!); and, as usual, The Lifeguard pledged to eschew the use of the word "fuck" for the forty days of Lent. The same pledge that The Lifeguard has made for the last eleven years (because during Lent, one sacrifices that which is important).

Over the last decade (plus one year), The Lifeguard has been pretty consistent, breaking his pledge relatively quickly.

The longest period of time without "fuck" was 26 hours. The shortest, six minutes.

This year, The Lifeguard made it 57 minutes without using the word "fuck."

57 fucking minutes. Pretty fucking pathetic, don't you think?

Usually, when The Lifeguard says that he has gone 57 minutes, he is talking about a quickie.

Monday, February 23, 2009


I Have No Effing Idea!

One of my employees asked me if it was legal to slaughter a goat within the city limits. I said, "I don't know."

He then asked if it made a difference if the goat was slaughtered as a part of a religious ceremony.

I told him that I thought that the same rules applied for sacrificing goats as for virgins. Of course, The Lifeguard is totally against the sacrifice of virgins. Rather, the Lifeguard believes that virgins should be converted, whenever possible, thus preventing the possibility that they might be sacrificed.

This prompted me to ruminate on other questions to which I have no answer.

Like, if a woman says, "It's not you, it's me", is it possible that it really is her?

Or, if a woman says, "I think that it would be good for you to go out with your friends", is it possible that there is not an evil trap laid for the unsuspecting man. In other words, could she actually think that going out with the boys is a good thing?

Screw it. The Lifeguard is too damn tired to ask answer any more questions.


*Good for you. (As far as you know.)

Saturday, February 07, 2009

That dog don't hunt...

Youth Basketball...That Says It All.
While watching Number Two play youth basketball, I thought back to my days on the Grandview Celtics, and the years spent struggling with dreams of the NBA or the ABA (since we were an ABA town) and the reality of being a short white kid with no ball-handling skills (that sounds really dirty, now), no speed, and no vertical jump.

We used to spend the summers practicing our dunks at a friend's house (courtesy of a 7' basket in his garage), shooting hoops at the Stake Centre, and getting ready for the complete domination of our adversaries on the court in the winter. We did the clinics at the local college, went to the high school and college games, and dreamed the aforementioned dreams of being the next John Havlicek or "Pistol Pete" Maravich.

And, when the time came to select our uniform numbers, I chose "53", the number worn by Darryl Dawkins (who was then known, politically incorrectly as the "Baby Gorilla"). I was in awe of this high school ballplayer, who entered the NBA draft on a hardship exemption, and was selected by the Philadelphia 76ers, in the 1975 draft.

Did I think I could ever be "The Rimwrecker"?

Hell, no. I just liked his elan. I liked the fact that he was confident enough to make the jump (like Moses Malone) from high school basketball to the pros. And, I loved the fact that, in later years, he would deliver the "Chocolate-Thunder-Flying, Robinzine-Crying, Teeth-Shaking, Glass-Breaking, Rump-Roasting, Bun-Toasting, Wham-Bam, Glass-Breaker-I-Am-Jam." (The dunk that shattered the glass backboard in a game against the Kansas City Kings, in 1979.)

So, today, as I watched the "hope of our future" play basketball, I remembered warmly my time on the hardwood. And, I wondered, how many of these kids actually realise just how much fun they are having...and how much they will miss it when they are older.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

War of the Words.

T.W.O.T.* Is Dead. Long Live The T.W.O.T.!

The Obama Administration, in an effort to portray a kinder, gentler United States of America, has abandoned the expression, "The War On Terror" in favour of "Tina".

After trying out other terms, President Obama settled on "Tina" because it just sounds "...nicer."

"We want the world to like us, as much as the Mainstream Media likes me," the President said Sunday.

"I tried the '...enduring struggle against terrorism and extremism..." but it had the words 'terrorism' and 'extremism', which makes us all sound like a bunch of witch-hunting, Bush-loving, Republicans," said President Obama.

So, after spending hours with focus groups, and consulting with Operation Pinko, the President chose "Tina."

Said one of the President's closest confidants, "Everyone likes 'Tina.' She's sweet, pleasant, and non-confrontational. What better way to describe our struggle?"

*The War On Terror

Not for the squeamish.

An American Peace Corps Worker Was Attacked...

by a leopard. The big cat jumped her one night while she was sitting around the tribal campfire, drinking some God-foresaken native beverage. If not for the quick thinking and swift action of the tribal elders, the poor woman would have died, tragically, swallowed whole by the beast.

In order to save the woman, the cat's head had to be cut off, completely, thus saving the woman's life, as evidenced by the file photo above.

PETA is said to be pissed.