Friday, August 31, 2012

Convention Redux

The Speech Of His Life
The Lifeguard offers his thoughts on the Mitt Romney speech.  You know, because you want to know what The Lifeguard is thinking right about now.
  • The RNC video that is going to precede his acceptance speech is so saccharine-sweet, it’s going to make The Lifeguard a diabetic.
  • Clint Eastwood is going to be the mystery speaker.  How awesome is that?  But, he made a joke about The Oprah crying.  Ten-to-one, that comment gets some Democrat operative riled up, talking about the Republican “War on Women.”
  • The remarks about the Afghanistan morass were exceptional, as was the line about “Mr. Romney not being able to do that to himself.”
  • Eastwood would have been better served to have simply said, “The first thing we do is kill all of the lawyers.”  (Of course, both The Lifeguard and Romney are lawyers, so maybe not all of the lawyers.)
  • Hell, let’s get Clint Eastwood for President.  “Politicians are employees of ours.”  Well said, Clint.  Well said.  Also, the empty chair was brilliant.  As if to say, "President Obama is not at the helm of this ship that is America.  (And, sure enough, President Obama leaves the Big Boy Chair as empty as his suit.)
  • The saddest part is that Vice President Joe Biden is the intellect of the Democrat party.
  • The Lifeguard would sooner have Dirty Harry than Dirty Barry.
  • Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) is…on…fire.  Very nice reference to the hopes and dreams of Cubans living in oppression in their island paradise.
  • Senator Rubio is inspiring, but The Lifeguard would have preferred to have Governor Christie doing the introduction.
  • Governor Romney is tanned, rested, and…well, mostly ready.
  • He’s speaking too slowly.  And, I am getting a distinct John “My Father Was a Mill Worker” Edwards vibe.  Who writes this crap?  The Lifeguard is surprised that he didn’t say that he was Mexican.
  • Boring.
  • Sure, he poked fun at BHO; but, he doesn’t have the personality to deliver many of the lines that would, otherwise, garner huge applause.  And, because of the pace of his speech, the crowd didn’t always know when to applaud; or, for how long.
  • The best line:  “The best feeling you had about BHO was the day you voted for him.”  (The Lifeguard would have liked to have heard Romney say, “Obama says I like to fire people.  Well, when, like the president, they aren’t doing their jobs, they deserve to be fired.”)
  • He stumbles on a few words.  More than you should stumble over, when giving the biggest speech of your life.  The most important speech in your life.
  • Governor Chris Christie is, as The Lifeguard writes this, kicking himself for not running for president.
  • The Lifeguard doesn't care about "likability."  Sometimes, you just don't like your president (or your boss); but, you know that they are the right man (or woman) for the job because of their intelligence, experience, and their character.  That is what gives Governor Romney a leg up on the Preezy of the Heezy, not the fact that he'd be a swell guy to have a cold beer (or some other decaffeinated beverage) with on a hot, humid day.
  • Romney is killing it, now.  (Almost thirty minutes into this speech.) 
  • It’s over.  Thankfully.  (About two minutes after he started to hit his stride.)
More thoughts later.


Thursday, August 30, 2012


"The Lifeguard Is This Big."
The Lifeguard was called upon to work his magic in Tampa.  Well, not in Tampa, but from very far away.
Condoleezza Rice, speaking at the Republican National Convention, acknowledged The Lifeguard.  (She said something about taking him to play a round at Augusta National, since The Lifeguard has a "magnificent driver with a very stiff shaft.")

But, to be frank, The Lifeguard isn't going anywhere with a woman who appears on national television with lipstick on her teeth.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

No Lifeguard.

The Lifeguard thinks that, had Diana Nyad been facing the threat of being sent to a Cuban prison for her failed attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida, she would have made it.

Still True...

The Lifeguard Actually Misses The Olympics


It Looks Better On Her
There was no room for the "s"; but, y'all get the idea, right?

  • She of the Incredibly Toned Arms hosted an official "Kids' State Dinner" where she served 'Cabbage Sloppy Joes' and 'Zucchini Fries.'  The menu was "...composted [sic] of winning recipes..." submitted by children from across the country.  Freudian slip?  Feed kids enough compost, and they will never be fat.
  • Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo), who made headlines (in a bad way), has been dis-invited to the Republican National Convention.  While The Lifeguard believes in freedom of speech, and a person's right to make stupid (or offensive) statements, The Lifeguard thinks that this shitweasel, Akin, has got to go.
  • Is there any other kind of rape but the forcible kind?
  • Isn't what Congress does to our country, on a daily basis, under colour of law, their idea of legitimate rape?  (Actually, they call it saving us from ourselves; but, The Lifeguard will go with rape.)
  • Will Joseph Kennedy, III's--who is running for Barney Frank's seat--comment, that Tel Aviv is the capital of Israel, get half as much attention as Todd Akin's stupid-ass comment? 
  • Does anyone want to be thought of as "running for Barney Frank's seat?" 
  • There is a shortage of farm labour in California this year; but, yet, California has a rather high unemployment rate.  Unemployed workers?  It seems like a no-brainer to The Lifeguard. Maybe the unemployed can take that high-speed rail to the jobs.
  • Maybe $9.25 an hour doesn't seem like it's that much; but, it's still $9.25 an hour.  (Semi-skilled workers can make $12-18.00 per hour.)  Of course, if one gets that for staying home, collecting a welfare check, maybe it's not all that attractive.  And, shouldn't this be an issue in the presidential campaign?
  • A syphilis outbreak has shut down the porn industry.  Actors are being notified and tested, as they rush to deal with this sexually transmitted disease.  Over 1,000 performers are out of work as a consequence of the outbreak, and these jobs are likely to go offshore.  Shouldn't this also be an issue in the presidential campaign?
  • Actually, it shouldn't.  The Lifeguard would just like to hear Vice Presidential Biden talk porn on one of the Sunday chat shows.
  • Speaking of rape, Nike is going to be selling the new LeBron X shoe for $315.00 a pair.  Nike has established rules for retailers, to ensure security at the release of the shoes for sale.  Increased security.  For the sale of sneakers.  What is the world coming to?  The next thing you'll tell The Lifeguard, the stores won't be allowed to take EBT cards for the purchase of these pumped up kicks.
  • The Lifeguard doesn't think that being $315.00 lighter will help you to run faster than a bullet.
  • Twenty-one visible piercings.  (The number on the clerk at the supermarket.)  This requires no further comment.
Lifeguard, out!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

HFWTFMF?!? Redux

In the new season of Dancing With The Stars, Barry and Joe will become the first same-sex couple to participate in the terpsichorean contest.

This will go a long way to cement the gay vote, the housewife vote, and the socially inept loser vote for Team Dopes and Chains.


The Exit For The Road To Happiness
You guessed it!  It's the post-London 2012 edition of Speedos!

  • Vice President Joe Biden offended Republicans when he said that the Ryan-Romney ticket would put (black) people back in chains.  But, since the Democrats can't be racists, there is no way that Biden's use of a chains reference--to a predominately black audience--does anything to inflame racial sentiments.  Neither does Hillary!'s comment about Ghandi running a gas station in St. Louis.  Or, the Preezy of the Heezy's comment that his grandmother was a typical white person.  Or that Senator Harry Reid was impressed by the "...light-skinned Obama's lack of a 'Negro Dialect.'" 
  • So, why do people go bat-shit when any Republican mentions a "tar baby"?  Or, when anyone uses the word niggardly?
  • Maybe Biden was trying to say that the Republican plan for handling the black unemployment crisis was to put black people back in chains.
  • Saudi Arabia is building a women-only city, where 5,000 women can work freely, out of the sight of gawking men.  The Saudis claim that this will solve the underemployment problem faced by their highly-educated female population.  The Lifeguard thinks that this will further marginalize women in the Islamic world.
  • Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, selected Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) as his running mate.  Immediately, the Democrat machine began smearing Ryan for his evil plans to throw granny over the cliff, to make the rich richer, and to destroy America as we know it. 
  • The Lifeguard thinks that pushing a grandma (or two million) over the cliff could save Social Security, Medicare, and the pension funds of several large cities.
  • Maybe the Social Security Administration's purchase of 174,000 bullets gives us some insight on the Obama Administration's plan to save Social Security.
The Lifeguard knows that this is a little too brief, but he's got shit to do.

More later, y'all.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Pure gold.

"I Love The Lifeguard!"
That's what Katrin Holtwick said when she learned that The Lifeguard was named the Official Blogger of the German Women's Beach Volleyball Team.

The Lifeguard would write more on the subject, but he has to go and remove some tape.  For science.

Monday, August 06, 2012

Marilou Dozois-Prévost

She Also Has A Great Snatch

The Lifeguard is a fan of the snatch.

Nobody Bloody Cares Redux

This Guy Sucks, Too
The Lifeguard always thought that Joe Buck and Tim McCarver--the Dynamic Douche-o--were the worst broadcast team ever.

Then, NBC gets Bob Costas and this dude to cover London 2012.

Seriously?  And what's the problem with wardrobe?  Why doesn't this dude wear a tie?  Or, at least a shirt with a collar.  And, what's with the hair?  Who the fuck cuts this cat's hair?  The same clown who styles Bruce Jenner's mane?

The Lifeguard can't believe that NBC can't do better than Costas and what'shisname (pictured above).

Nobody Bloody Cares

That is all.

Sunday, August 05, 2012

London Journal, Part Trois

Julia Rohde, participating in the Women's 53kg Group B Weightlifting, fails on her final lift.

Though her performance in London was a disappointment, she still has an amazing snatch.

London Journal, Part Deux

Another day, another buttload of shitty Olympic coverage by NBC.  In fact, as far as The Lifeguard is concerned, NBC doesn't mean "National Broadcasting Corporation," it stands for "Nobody Bloody Cares!"

  • Bob Costas sucks.  He should retire.  The only bright spot is that with Costas getting the big dough for his sappy human interest shit, there is no way that NBC would hire Tim McCarver and Joe Buck.
  • Did The Lifeguard mention that he thinks that Bob Costas sucks?
  • Darya Klishina (pictured above), is a super-hot  She's, and in contention for Olympic gold in whatever event in which she competes.
  • The Chinese badminton team won a gold medal in women's doubles.  Unfortunately, Wang Xiaoli and Yu Yang (who were disqualified for tanking a match in group play, and who are now on their way to Outer Mongolia for bringing shame and dishonour to China), brought the wrong kind of publicity to this sport.
  • An Indian chick won the bronze medal in badminton, to become the second Indian chick to win an Olympic medal.
  • In badminton, which is the most commonly misspelled sport in the Olympics, the players whack around a shuttlecock with racquets.  Shuttlecock.
  • There is such a sport as Male Synchronised Diving.  This is only slightly more ridiculous than Female Synchronised Diving.
  • Ryan Lochte is a real class act.
That's all, y'all.  You have no idea how difficult it is to comment on the shitty Olympic coverage when you don't ever turn on the television.

Now, where's Darya's telephone number?

Wednesday, August 01, 2012


The London 2012 edition, just for you.

  • British swimmer, Rebecca Adlington (pictured above) won a bronze medal in the 400m freestyle.  She was nosed out--which is pretty hard to believe--by the Frenchwoman, Camille Muffat, and the American, Allison Schmitt.  (This marks the first time in history that France has ever beaten the US and Great Britain at anything.)
  • In gymnastics, the U.S. women won a gold medal for the first time since 1996.  The Lifeguard could not care less.  Now, if a 5'11" Michelle Obama, with legs (and those famously toned arms), participated....
  • Why is it that the press swoons over the FLOTUS (and her $6,800.00 jacket) and ridicules Ann Romney for her $990.00 blouse?  [Rhetorical question.]  Both articles of clothing were pretty fucking hideous, which suggests to The Lifeguard that Jacobim Mugatu's Derelicte line will be a smashing success.
  • In no universe does Mrs. Obama put the Duchess of Cambridge to shame.
  • Vincent Hancock (USA) won a gold medal in skeet shooting.  Kim Rhode (USA) won the women's gold medal in skeet shooting.  The two lines of this bullet equals all of the media attention that this sport has gotten.  
  • Do you have any idea how elusive skeet are?  Did anyone think to mention the goodwill that will be gained by sending the dead skeet to feed the  hungry children in Africa?
  • Gore Vidal is dead, at 86.  (The Lifeguard didn't even know he was sick.)
  • The Baltimore Bullet, Michael Phelps, becomes the most successful Olympian ever.  Ever.  How cool is that?
  • The Lifeguard saw an interview with Michael Phelps' agent.  How sad is it that Olympians compete, not for the love (or glory) of sport, but for the endorsement dough from Head & Shoulders.
  • Some Saudi chick will compete in the +78kg category in judo, in a hijab.  After seeing the athlete, The Lifeguard suggests a burqa.
  • Isn't it ironic that a Muslim will compete in judo?
  • The Lifeguard doesn't see why it matters.  No one will be watching the judo competition anyway.
  • Chinese swimmer, Ye Shiwen (who looks more like a Chinese boy than a Chinese girl), won gold in the 200m IM.  She said that she had not taken performance-enhancing drugs, and that everyone should ignore the bulge in her suit, her Adam's Apple, and her deep voice.
More Olympic commentary later.