Thursday, March 29, 2012

The 8th Amendment...

A Detailed Analysis Of The SCOTUS Hearing On OBAMACARE... coming soon.  Once The Lifeguard wades through the transcripts, the healthcare legislation, and the hot tub (where he and Nurse Dagmar are diligently examining the effects of Dom Perignon on the review of SCOTUS transcripts and the 2,700 page OBAMACare bill).

Now, if Nurse Dagmar will open another bottle of champers, we can get on with this project.


Will You Please Shut The Fuck Up!
(And Take Off That Stupid Hat!)

Last week, as the calls for George Zimmerman's scalp grew louder (but before the New Black Panther Party slapped a $10,000.00 bounty on his half-Hispanic head), The Lifeguard was asked for his thoughts on the miscarriage of justice taking place in Sanford, Florida.  

Now, as a former Floridian (The Lifeguard left to get away from all of the damn Yankees, who were moving down south in droves, like rats abandoning the high-tax Titanic that is New England), and witness to the devastation of race riots, The Lifeguard had some thoughts on the subject.  (Come to think of it, The Lifeguard has some thoughts on every subject.)

However, since The Lifeguard was otherwise occupied, this post is coming well after the bloom is off the rose that is Trayvon Martin.  And, frankly, The Lifeguard thinks that the real "miscarriage of justice" arises because of all of the race-baiting hucksters looking to get their fame ticket punched for another fifteen minutes of face time.

The Lifeguard's first thought on hearing the 911 tape ("He looks like he's on drugs") was, "The kid was probably on drugs, jonesin' for some junk food."  (Iced tea and Skittles would not have been The Lifeguard's choice.)  It turns out that The Lifeguard (and George Zimmerman) might just have been correct, as Trayvon had been suspended from school for possession of a marijuana pipe and a baggie with some pot residue.

Then, The Lifeguard asked, "Who the fuck gives a kid a name like 'Trayvon'?"  "Seriously?  It's a tragedy that a 17 year old might have been accidentally shot; but, "Trayvon"?  As a parent, you are asking for bad shit to happen to your little bundle of joy.  (Also bad:  DaSean, Nushawn, DeTroyt, Taqueisha, and Shaniqua. The Lifeguard gives Shaquille O'Neal, Anfernee Hardaway, and Benjarvus Green-Ellis (to name three) passes for succeeding in spite of their made-up names.)

And finally, as for profiling, The Lifeguard doesn't understand the problem.  That shit works.  (There was a day when "profiling" was called "good police work."). The Lifeguard has been profiled.  (Young male + expensive European sedan + Miami at 2:00am = "License and registration, please.")  Seriously, if you want to avoid problems with the police/Neighbourhood Watch-types, don't look/act like the majority of criminals with whom they interact.    (Hoodie=Hoodlum?)  Especially if you are a visiting a gated community.  And, don't jump on someone--it appears that Trayvon engaged first--in Florida, because that cat might just be packin' heat.

The Lifeguard:  "Let me tell you how that shit went down. Zimmerman called 911, followed the stranger, then got jumped. Once he was attacked, it was kill-or-be-killed for Zim."

Other Person:  "Racist. You don't know.  You weren't there."

The Lifeguard:  "No, but The Lifeguard was 17, once."

Other Person:  "So?"

The Lifeguard:  "So, the kid--full of piss and vinegar--probably said, 'Whatchoo doin' followin' me?  I finna kick yo' cracker ass.'  Then, he took a swing at him.  The injuries support the claim that the ZimmerMan was getting his ass kicked."

OP:  "You weren't there."

TL:  "No, but The Lifeguard bets he is pretty close."

And, he was.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Drill, baby, drill.

So Does The Lifeguard



It won't change the price of a gallon of gas; but, who cares?

(In other words, The Lifeguard would fluke her.)

The good old days...

The last few times The Lifeguard has flown, he has found that the male flight attendants look more like Cheryl than the female ones.  (And, as y'all know, The Lifeguard doesn't play for that team.)

Oh, for the good old days, when flight attendants--while professional--were also something to look at.  Not the collection of "...gays, grannies, and grandes..." that work the not so friendly skies.  

And, based upon the body composition of about 80% of the female flight attendants that The Lifeguard has encountered on his last few trips, there is some question as to whether or not they could squeeze through an emergency exit, let alone get down the aisle.

Frankly, The Lifeguard does not understand the elimination of weight restrictions of flight attendants.  The Lifeguard can't play in the NFL (too old, too small), the NBA (too short), or the MLB (can't hit a curve to save his life). These are all occupations that require fitness and strength, so why not in an occupation where lives might be put in jeopardy when a flight attendant is too old, too fat (or both) to perform her (or his) job functions in an emergency.

But, since The Lifeguard doesn't make the hiring decisions at Crash Landia; and, since The Lifeguard can get out of the over-wing exit door, he supposes that he'll just have to take what he can get.  (Which, twenty years ago, was the lav...right after take-off.)

Friday, March 23, 2012

Also, a tool.

Spreading Santorum

And you thought that Newt Gingrich was a fool.

What a tool...

The Audacity of the Dope
When it comes to the most transparent administration in history, one thing is glaringly obvious:  This guy is a douche.  (He's still not a Muslim; but, he's a world-class douche.)

You want health care?  We've got your health care...for a couple hundred billion dollars more than we told you when we were trying to sell you the plan.  (But, what's a hundred billion among friends?)  Praise the lord!  We have universal care!  Insurance costs more, but everyone has it.  Yay!

Oh, and think of all of the money we'll save when we start giving women free contraception and aborting unborn children.  (And, since many of those aborted children may have had special needs, the nation is saving real money.)

Energy costs too high?  Don't like $5.00 a gallon gas?  Well, shut the fuck up.  Gas costs $9.00 a gallon in Germany.  Plus, this administration has authorised more drilling than all other administrations combined.  And, has permitted the construction of enough pipeline to encircle the world.  (He won't let one cross the US/Canada border; but, he's all over the rest of the pipelines.)  Solyndra? Not his fault.  It was those pesky Chinese (and Republicans) that caused Solyndra (and all of the other alternative energy companies) to shit the bed. 

Sure, America is producing more petroleum products than ever before; but, we are doing it with diminished refining capacity (with no new refineries on the horizon) and an infrastructure that is severely overtaxed.  Ethanol in fuel (instead of the dreaded MTBE) is a sop to agribusiness, and yields little more than higher food prices (since there is less corn for food production).  Maybe Congress could ditch tariffs on ethanol (so we could import cheaper Brazilian ethanol)?  Maybe methanol?  (Cars can run on methanol.)

If everyone would just buy a fucking Volt, then the high cost of gassing up at the pump would be a memory.  (Unfortunately, the people who can afford a Volt don't mind dropping a C-note to fill their cars with petrol.)

President Obama has burned bridges with our allies (e.g., Israel and Britain) and has built "bridges to nowhere" with others (e.g., Egypt, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, and Syria).

The only thing that The Lifeguard can get behind with this administration is that President Obama plays a lot of golf.  Of course, it's easy for him since he is:  a) The leader of the free world; and, b) his wife is always on holiday.

Monday, March 19, 2012

That fucking Chevy Volt is hot!

Mahmoud's New Car
The 2012 Chevy Volt is catching fire among the key 18-25 year old Syrian demographic.

Leather seats, a powerful entertainment system, and rat poison-covered ball bearings come standard.

(And for some reason, they don't seem to care that, without warning, they often burst into flame.)

Beating that dead death.

A slut sleeps with everybody, a cunt sleeps with everybody but you.
Probably explains Bill Maher's frustration.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Lifeguard wonders...

...If This Will Become The Second Most Downloaded Photo By People In A Theocracy
The Lifeguard has noticed that the single most popular post in this blog is one that has a picture of girls kissing.  (Interestingly, there are a surprising number of visitors to this post from the Islamic Republic of Iran.)

So, The Lifeguard decided he'd do something charitable for the folks living in that part of the world.  (You know the part of the world that stones people for the kind of activity shown above.  The part that treats women like second-class citizens.  The part that believes that women must be covered from head-to-toe.)

Iran, this butt's for you.

Saturday, March 17, 2012


Travel Sucks Already
The Lifeguard went to Florida to do a little business in his former hometown, Tampa.  This involved air travel, and a visit to the friendly TSA agents manning airport security.  Truthfully, if things keep up this way, air travel will become only marginally better than prison rape.  (Actually, the only difference between air travel and prison rape is that you choose air travel.)

So, after getting to the airport and checking in, The Lifeguard emptied his pockets, removed his belt and shoes, pulled out his laptop (from the buttery leather attache) and placed it in the Rubbermaid tray, fished out his driving licence, secured his boarding pass, checked his pockets for any pieces of paper that might remain (seriously, the millimetre wave scanners require everything--including a dollar bill--be removed from your pockets), and approached the scanner.

At this point, The Lifeguard noted that all women were being diverted from the Whole Body Scanner to a conventional metal detector.  All women.  

Why would the TSA do this?  Are they treating women differently?  Are there radiation fears?  Does the TSA think that women don't blow up shit?  (Or, have there been so many complaints about the images finding their way onto the internet that the TSA decided to send women through a different screening process?)  

The Lifeguard asked for the same courtesy, but was told that the selection process was random.  (So random that every woman was selected for one type of scanner and every man was selected for the other?)   

Finally, through security, The Lifeguard reached the gate--and his ride--and settled in for the flight south.  (The Lifeguard had a row all to himself.)  Of course, all of the room in the world does not make up for the fact that the flight attendant's ass was wider than the beverage cart (and almost as long).  Every time--every time--the flight attendant went down the aisle, her ass smacked The Lifeguard's arm.  (The upside, however, was that The Lifeguard had a place to put his coffee.)  

Seriously, the flight attendant's ass was so big that when she sat down, she was three feet taller.

She was so fat, the other flight attendants were orbiting her.

She was so fat that when we were number one for take-off, she was number two.

The Lifeguard wonders why a woman--who most certainly couldn't fit through a wing exit--can have a job as a flight attendant.  One would think that the safety of those on an airplane outweighs (heh heh, "outweighs") the feelings of one overweight woman.  It sort of made The Lifeguard long for the days when flight attendants had to make weight to fly.  

The Lifeguard had a few other observations about his travel experience.  (You can't wait to read them, can you?)

  • In Atlanta, the airplane had a flat tire.  (The pilot called AAA.)  We could feel the plane being jacked up to permit the pit crew to change the tire.  It was actually kind of cool.
  • The ATL-TPA segment was uneventful and pleasant, save for the father who left his son to yammer away while he played video games on his phone (sans headphones).  Seriously, if you don't have the sense to keep your child quiet (or try), don't fly.  (Certainly not when The Lifeguard is on the plane.)  The Lifeguard does not understand why the flight attendants don't address this nonsense.
  • The Lifeguard is convinced that for every fit and attractive female flight attendant, there are at least five that might be a threat to the safety of the passengers.
  • When The Lifeguard sits in an exit row, the other passengers have nothing to fear in the event of an emergency.  Not only will The Lifeguard open the emergency exit, he'll help everyone out of the plane (from outside of the plane).
  • The $25.00 per bag charge may be revenue gold for the airlines; but, a complete pain in the ass for anyone who travels by air.  There is no need for you to bring 100 pounds of shit on the plane, then try to lift it into the overhead bin.  In fact, a good rule of thumb is that if you can't lift it, don't bring it.  (This would save millions in workers' compensation claims and medical bills.)
  • The Lifeguard has never seen such a small bag of pretzels in his life.  With peanut-sized pretzels, no less.
  • $6.00 for a beer?  Maybe in a club, in Boston; but, not in an aluminum tube.  Service is shitty enough, so throw us a bone.  In fact, free beer might just change the mood of the traveling public.  (And, most certainly of The Lifeguard.)
  • There is no better airport than Tampa's.  And, it's been that way for 25 years.
  • The JetBlue flight back to Boston was great.  The aircrew was great, too.  (In case they are reading this, thanks K, J, and C.)
  • A woman on the TPA-BOS flight started talking to The Lifeguard.  The Lifeguard said, "Did you have a good time in Tampa?"  She said, "How did you know I was in Tampa?"  The Lifeguard replied, "I'm psychic."
It's good to be home, y'all.

Keep the faith!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


"I Need Me Some Cheesy Grits, Fried Catfish, And Hushpuppies To Go With This Chicken."

When Mitt Romney said this, every Southerner in America had their heart skip a beat.  (And not from all of the cholesterol and fatty foods that every Southerner in America has eaten.)

It's statements like this that cause Southern folk to hate Yankees.

In fact, The Lifeguard is reminded of the joke about the difference between a Yankee and a damn Yankee.

(The Yankee goes home after his vacation is over.  The damn Yankee buys a house.  And runs for president.)

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

It's over, Johnny.

The Southern Strategy
Today, voters in Alabama and Mississippi go to the polls to cast their vote for the Republican challenger best suited to defeat President Obama in November.  The front-runner, Governor Mitt Romney ("I was for catfish and grits before I was against them, but after I had them, I was for them again.") hopes to deliver a knockout blow to Newt and former Pennsylvania senator, Rick Santorum.  Oh, and Congressman Ron Paul.  Beating him, too.

It may be that the South does get behind Mitt, having bought the hype that he is the front-runner, the anointed Republican.  (It also may be that Mitt comes off as just another carpetbagging Yankee who will say anything to get elected.)

Of course, the big knock on Mittens is that he is rich and out of touch with the common man.  (Not that President Obama is all that in touch with the common man...unless he works for Solyndra, was a Black Panther, or a member of a public sector union.)  But, then again, he is rich and out of touch with the common man.  (How else to explain his love of catfish and cheesy grits.)

The story is developing, and The Lifeguard will be here, with analysis, commentary, and thoughts about the two University of Alabama coeds who are working on The Lifeguard's staff.

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Isn't it ironic?

Rhymes With Truck
The Lifeguard had no idea...none...that that was how her name was pronounced.  Seriously.  What are the chances?

In other news, assuming that Ms. Fluke did spend $3,000.00 on birth control (e.g., condoms) over three years in law school, that would equate to her having sex approximately 5.5 times per day for three years.  That's 38 times per week.  165 times per month.

That's approaching what The Lifeguard believes to be a normal sexual diet.

So, Sandra, The Lifeguard says, "Respect."

Tuesday, March 06, 2012


Super Tuesday!
The Lifeguard can't wait to parse the results of today's Republican primaries.  The Lifeguard's prediction?  There will be as much confusion tomorrow (before The Lifeguard parses) as there is today.  But, when The Lifeguard is finished, you'll know everything.

In the meantime, chew on this delectable menu of tasty intellectual delights.

  • The Lifeguard was enabling a friend last night.  Not enabling in the traditional sense; but, rather, helping said friend avoid work on a dissertation.  As a result, The Lifeguard was able to create a new and exciting word for just these occasions.  Procrassertation.  It means the act of studiously avoiding the completion of one's Ph.D. dissertation.  
  • Leaked Stratfor e-mails indicate that the body of Osama bin Laden was not buried at sea.  Perhaps President Obama (who is still not a Muslim) should have released those "photographs" of the room temperature bin Laden, sliding down the board, into the sea.  The Lifeguard predicts that this will overshadow arguments about whether or not BHO was actually born in Hawaii.
  • The price of gasoline goes up...again.  While it is true that we are not yet at European levels, The Lifeguard still hates the fact that it costs almost a C-note to fill the Swedish Ford with gas.  The Lifeguard has plans that would help reduce the price of gas, and it doesn't involve electric cars, wind turbines, or fluorescent light bulbs.  It does involve more drilling, more pipelines, more nuclear power plants, and more refinery capacity.  
  • It is interesting to note that North America could surpass Qatar as the world's leading exporter of liquified natural gas (LNG).  In order to do this, America needs more pipelines.  (More pipelines=more high-paying union jobs.)  In case you were wondering, more than 100 million cubic feet of natural gas is burned off in the North Dakota oil fields.  If only there were a way to capture this wasted gas.  Oh, wait!  If there were more pipelines, then there would be more natural gas to liquify and export.
  • The Chevy Volt (a/k/a the Opel Ampera) was just named the European Car of the Year.  Maybe the General could export some of those bad boys to Europe.  (Or, as The Lifeguard has suggested, to prospective suicide bombers in the Middle East.  "Look ma!  No bombs!  Just this Chevy Volt that occasionally bursts into flame.")
  • For those senior citizens struggling on a fixed income, who can't find greeter work at Wal-Mart, there is a new AARP-endorsed business opportunity.  "Cooking meth is a great way for retired chemical engineers to make a few extra bucks," an AARP spokesman noted.  "Plus, in a nursing home, all of the constituent parts are readily available," he said.  The elderly have joined college students in this lucrative endeavour.  The added bonus is that the elderly will have money to buy Viagra, and the college students will have money to buy birth control.  
  • In Kansas City, lack teens set a white teen on fire.  Using gasoline.  The Lifeguard wonders where they got the money to buy $4.00 a gallon gas.  
Time to go to work...and vote.

Sunday, March 04, 2012


The Lifeguard Knows
Why Contraception
Is An Issue In 2012
It's an election year.

And, we're all going to get fucked.


It's a fluke, right?

A Slut Sleeps With Everyone.
The Lifeguard doesn't understand the tempest in the teapot surrounding Rush Limbaugh's comments about 30 year old Georgetown 3L, Sandra Fluke.  

She inserted herself into the debate over contraception--which has nothing to do with health care--and made herself a public figure.  Limbaugh made a joke, then backed down when the outcry became so great as to threaten his advertising income.  Ever the businessman and entertainer, Limbaugh retreated and apologised.

Oh, one last thought.  Why is it that all of the contraceptive crusaders are women that The Lifeguard wouldn't fuck...on a bet?  

Thursday, March 01, 2012

The Lifeguard say...

Burqas Okay!
But only if the women look like An-Sofie Dewinter.

Only in New England.

Another winter storm, more griping and complaining about the weather.

Not only was there a run on the supermarket following the news of the impending storm, there was a complete over-reaction by the store's patrons as they stripped the shelves bare, carting away milk, bread and other treats.  It so much more indicative of the Zombie Apocalypse than 6" of snow as to be funny.

The Lifeguard reminds these folks, surprised at the falling snow, to breathe, look at a map (see where New England is in relation to, say, Florida), then slap yourself silly. (The Lifeguard would do it, but he can't get to everyone.)

Every time there is a storm, The Lifeguard imagines the orgy where all of these dopes had their brains fucked out. (There can be no other explanation for the snow-fueled panic in the stores and on the roads.)

As for school--which was canceled over much of the Boston area--The Lifeguard wonders how kids will adapt to the working world if school is canceled every time someone says the word "snow."

The Lifeguard never got a snow day.  (Of course, The Lifeguard spent much of his youth in Florida; but, still....)