Thursday, May 31, 2007

No Wonder People Hate Lawyers

Giant assbag, Andrew Speaker, Esquire--an Atlanta personal injury lawyer--has asked forgiveness from all of the passengers on not one, but two, airplanes. Forgiveness for what, you ask? Kicking the back of the seat? Constantly getting out of his window seat to go to the toilet? For having gas, and farting his way forth and back from Europe? A big "no" to all of those.

Actually, he asked forgiveness from his fellow travelers for exposing them to an extremely drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis (XDR-TB). Not a particularly virulent strain (according to Speaker, his father (also an attorney), and his father-in-law (who works at the Centers for Disease Control); but, one that might ultimately require him to have the diseased tissue excised, if the drugs used for treatment fail to have an effect.

What a selfish prick. And, not only does he put hundreds of innocents at risk (including some college students from the University of South Carolina-Aiken), he also endangered the love of his life, Sarah (and her child). And, while it might be comforting that his "...sputum sample is...not teeming with bacteria," the fact remains that the mortality rate for this type of TB is as high as fifty (50%) percent.

So now, this hump is cooling his heels in the National Jewish Research Center, in Denver, Colorado. He is in a clean room, taking oral and IV drugs, and apologising to whomever will listen to his sorry white ass.

TB Andy becomes the first person quarantined since 1963, and his behaviour is certain to spawn several hundred lawsuits from his fellow passengers who are now sweating it out, waiting for the results from their TB tests. So many lawsuits, in fact, that former Senator John Edwards is contemplating leaving the presidential race to represent them in a giant class-action lawsuit, naming Air France, CSA, the CDC, and the United States of America as defendants. (He will decline to sue TB Andy out of a sense of professional courtesy, and the fact that TB Andy is just another victim of the Bush Administration's policies on health care.)

The sad thing--the thing that all of the Compassionate Conservatives fail to recognise--is that TB Andy is an example of what we can expect if the wrong-headed amnesty for illegal aliens, supported by President Bush, Senator Kennedy, and so many others, is rammed down our throats. The occurrence of TB in the United States is far greater among the illegal immigrant population than among the indigenous peoples of the United States.

Consequently, if we grant a pass to the twelve to twenty million illegals, we can expect the TB Andy scenario played out a hundred times, or more. He exposed a few hundred folks to XDR-TB, and there is already a massive toll being taken on the health care system. Imagine the havoc a few hundred of these asshats could wreak on the nation's health care infrastructure.

So, the solution: No amnesty for illegals, and we keep TB Andy locked away--quarantined, if you will--for a good long time, at his expense.

In fact, TB Andy should have to reimburse the insurers, the CDC, and anyone else put out by his selfish and insensitive frolic.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

If Only He Were A Congressman From Massachusetts...

then all would be forgiven. Unfortunately, Kirk James Hellwig is just a pale and spotty 37 year-old social studies teacher, from Saratoga Springs. On at least three occasions, Hellwig performed oral sex on the 16 year-old student, in his classroom at Columbia High School.

I don't even know what to say.

If the teacher were female, then people (which is to say, "men") would snicker, and say, "What a lucky bastard that 16 year-old was." Since it was a male that was giving the blowjobs, we are offended.

In either instance, it should be considered tragic for the teen, who had his youth and innocence (well, maybe not his innocence) stolen by this predatory douchebag. And for those who might defend Hellwig, because he is a member of a protected class, I say, "Fuck off!"

Gay or straight, men or women--teachers who prey on students are slime balls. They deserve to be locked away, never to see the light of day. Plus, do we want someone as stupid as Hellwig teaching our kids? I mean, hell, the guy isn't smart enough to know that sucking (or fucking) a 16 year-old boy is just plain wrong. How in the name of all that is holy can this fuckwit be competent to teach anything to anyone?

Sunday, May 20, 2007


The single worst president in the history of the United States called President Bush the "...worst president in history."

This from the petulant little man who sold out our friend, the Shah of Iran (and created the beginnings of the geopolitical cesspool in which we now swim); who left American hostages twisting in the wind in Iran; who fouled up Middle East peace prospects with the Camp David Accord; who micro-managed the schedule on the White House tennis courts; and, who cost me my First Class upgrade.

Carter, the man who was furious with the Nobel Committee for snubbing him for the Peace Prize (when they gave it to Begin and Sadat); the man with "lust in his heart"; the man who criticised President Reagan for his strategy for (ultimately) winning the Cold War; the man who shat on America so that he could win the Nobel Prize in 2002; and, the man who carries Fidel Castro's jock strap.

I have no problem with private citizens exercising their First Amendment rights. I criticise this Administration (and others) all of the time. However, when one becomes President of the United States, one gives up certain luxuries (and, in return, gets others). One of them is the right (empirically) to criticise prior administrations (given that it looks petty, coming from a one-term loser like Carter).

Therefore, Nixon did not criticise Johnson or Kennedy for getting us embroiled in Viet Nam. Reagan did not criticise Carter for abandoning the Shah, leaving hostages behind, or costing America its reputation as a world leader. Neither has President Bush (43, not 41) criticised Carter, Clinton, or even Roosevelt.

As an aside, I note that President Bush (43) was merely continuing President Clinton's policy of changing the Iraqi regime, from dictatorship to democracy. (
The Iraq Liberation Act of 1998 (Public Law 105-338) [1] (codified in a note to 22 USCS § 2151) is a United States Congressional statement of policy calling for regime change in Iraq.)

Indeed, it always seem to be the Democrats who are running down America (and her allies). They speak in terms of "the worst economy since the Hoover Administration" and "the worst president ever" and "the worst allies ever."

Carter surrendered his right to run down America when he was elected President. He should keep his mouth shut, and build some houses.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

WHO Are You?
Who, Who, Who, Who?

Just when I thought the entire entertainment world had lost its collective mind (if it ever had one), swooning over Al Gore and Global Climate Change, Roger Daltrey comes along and says something wise--and normal--in regard to the July 7, 2007 Live Earth concert, scheduled for Wembley (and other venues around the world).

"Bollocks to that! The last thing the planet needs is a rock concert," said Daltrey. (Especially one organised by that big fat fuckwit, Al Gore.)

"I can't believe it. Let's burn even more fuel." (All of the beautiful people jetting in, on their Gulfstream Vs and chartered 757s, tooling around in big-ass American SUVs, and burning fossil fuels at a fierce rate.)

"We have problems with global warming, but the questions and the answers are so huge I don't know what a rock concert's ever going to do to help." (Other than make Madonna, and all of these other self-important fucks think that they are better than all of the dimwitted fucks that shelled out two weeks' of salary to hang around with a huge group of hemp-wearing, matted-hair sporting, deodorant-eschewing morons who think that because Al Gore won an Oscar, he actually knows something about Global Climate Change. Hell, he was Vice President of the United States of America and he knows dick about that job.)

"Everybody on this planet at the moment, unless they are living in the deepest rain forest in Brazil, knows about climate change.” (Like, that it is a naturally occurring phenomenon.)

The rocker, who used to sing about my g-generation, added: "My answer is to burn all the fucking oil as quick as possible and then the politicians will have to find a solution.” (Like drilling for oil in ANWR; drilling for natural gas off of the coasts of Florida, the Gulf Coast, and California; and, dropping tariffs on sugar, and other asinine environmental regulations that keep diesel-powered cars out of the marketplace.)

Of course, the beautiful folks seem to be taking Daltrey's long as it is they that get to burn all of the fucking oil.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Massachusetts Does It Again

In an attempt to become an even bigger butt of jokes than it already is, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts is considering a law that makes discrimination against short, fat, or short and fat people, unlawful. Seriously, the Massachusetts General Court is giving this some thought.,CST-NWS-size18.article

Indeed, they are just looking at extending the same protection to the general public that they provide to Senator-For-Life Edward M. Kennedy (fat) and to former Senate President (and brother to fugitive, James "Whitey" Bulger) William "Billy" Bulger (Corrupt Midget).

Got a joke about a short person? Don't tell it. Making fun of the fat girl at a party? You are going to pay. Seated next to a half-tonner on Delta? Don't complain (especially if he also is bearded, and prays five times a day). See someone who is short, fat, Hispanic, illegal, Jewish and gay? Don't even say a word, just pull out your checkbook.

Harvard may start giving scholarships to short, fat high school seniors. Businesses will only hire fat people (for fear of being seen as discriminatory).

This is absolutely (fat) assinine.

Height? That is something one can not control; and, I seriously doubt that there is much real (or perceived) discrimination against short people (since they seem to compensate in other ways, like being out-going, or driving a Porsche). Weight? That is something within your control. Don't eat the fifth Big Mac. Don't eat the box of Twinkies. Take a walk. Not only is obesity a problem (as evidenced by the bans on trans-fats, sweets and sodas in school vending machines, and the renewed interest in physical activity), it has huge costs to the already over-burdened health care system.

Now, the Boneheads of Beacon Hill are contemplating institutional protection of something that they consider to be a major health problem. Sort of like arresting illegal immigrants, then failing to deport their law-breaking asses.

And, it is not like there is any sanity in the Corner Office. Democrat Governor Deval Patrick has to sign a bill granting these protections, because his veto is worthless. As worthless as his Republican predecessor.

If anyone is interested, the Lifeguard has a weight loss tape, available for $20.00, sent via PayPal. It is a roll of duct tape, to close your cake hole, and to provide a little support to your sorry fat ass.

I am reminded, in closing, of a high school friend who was attending medical school, and said, in reference to a patient--weighing close to 200Kg--that claimed a "glandular problem" that the gland in question was "...on her face, between her chin and nose."

So, thank you Massachusetts, for making Mississippi look good.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Absolut Insanity

I work with several individuals who do not speak English as a first language. They are hard-working, and they try to accommodate their co-workers by speaking English; however, there are plenty of difficulties, especially for me.

As a four-year resident of Miami, I learned little more than how to order an ice cold cerveza. And this, after spending a goodly deal of time with two Cuban-American and one South American women.

So, when faced with the prospect of a daily dose of Espanol, I took matters into my own hands. I started speaking auf Deutsch. Exhortations of "hast oben!" and "gehen Sie hinaus!" echo throughout the shop. "Schnell!" rings when people slow down. "Gut, danke." when people ask how I am doing. It is the perfect response to the proliferation of people speaking Spanish.

In a perfect world, we (as Americans) would demand that English be made the official language of the United States. We would require people to speak English (and to read and write it, too) because illiteracy is a death sentence. In the main, the person who can not (or will not) learn English is the person who will be stuck doing the scut work, with no hope of advancement.

The reason that the European immigrants succeeded in America (along with the Chinese immigrants) is that they learned to speak English because no one accommodated them. The accommodated the nation, they learned English, and they thrived. Don't get me wrong, I admire and respect the hard-working immigrants that come to our country. I respect their culture (unless it involves female circumcision, beheading, or 72 Virginians for killing me). I also realise that if I pack up and move to Spain, I had better learn to speak Spanish, because they sure as shit are not going to learn to speak English just for me.

Back to the European immigrants. They didn't forsake their culture, but they didn't forsake ours, either. The melting pot was alive and well. Now, the only thing that the opponents of assimilation care about are the melting ice caps and the pot that they are going to smoke (for medicinal purposes, of course).

Speak English. And, so will I.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Take This Job And Shove It...

I ain't workin' here no more...

Trevor Blake (unemployed and on the dole) and his fiancee, Nicola Fitzgerald, a secretary (and his sugar mama), got busted for having sex on a flight from London to Jamaica...twice.

Blake, who is unemployed, used his Jedi mind tricks to convince his fiancee to fly them to Jamaica, to have sex, twice, in the lavatory, and...well...have sex twice in the lavatory. They join Ralph Fiennes and Quantas flight attendant, Lisa Robertson, as members of the Mile High Club.

The most intriguing part to me is that the lad is unemployed and still managed the aforementioned trifecta. One wonders what Blake is packing (or what Fitzgerald is smoking).

"Teach me, master."

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Extra! Extra!

I was in Dunkin' Donuts the other morning, ordering my black coffee, when the gent in the adjacent line ordered coffee, "Extra extra." Eight sugars and six creams (and one heart attack) later, the chap left, all smiles.

Now, don't get me wrong, I believe in freedom of choice, but Dunkin' Donuts coffee is only marginally stronger than a cup of hot water that had a brown crayon dunked in it to begin with. Make it a "regular" (one cream, two sugars), then an "extra extra" (six more creams, eight more sugars), you might as well go straight to the cow and suck on the teat. It's no longer coffee, it's milk and sugar and hot water (with a brown crayon dunked in it).

I have bitched before about ordering black coffee and being asked if I "want room for cream." I have bitched about how long it takes for the undocumented workers at Dunkin' Donuts to prepare a black coffee. And now, I am bitching about how people drink their coffee.

Just for esses and gees.

Honest to God, we wonder why America is obese, when we drink pure sugar, eat Twinkies, and sit on our fat asses, playing X-Box and watching Oprah.

Drink your coffee black, damnit. Or, as my father used to say, "Coffee black, women white." (But, what did he know about women?)

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Communist News Network...

America-hating weenies rejoiced for twelve seconds when they saw the chyron on CNN. In the first ten seconds, they thought about surrendering Iraq to militant Islam, signing Kyoto, doubling welfare payments, banning handguns, giving away free abortions, banning long guns, banning tobacco and trans-fats, tax cuts for the poor, tax increases for the rich, normalising relations with North Korea and Iran, doubling welfare payments, adding a $2.00 per gallon tax on gasoline, limiting SUV use to Barbra Streisand and Al Gore, amnesty for undocumented workers, ceding military command authority to the United Nations, more free abortions, the Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to have cabinet level posts (US Department of Shakedowns and Race-Baiting), and no Wal-Mart, a $20.00 per hour minumum wage, "In God We Trust" off of the currency, "One nation under God" out of the Pledge of Allegiance, Bill Clinton on the Supreme Court, making the Prius the official car of America, reparations to the blacks, RU-486 in schools, California to the Mexicans, Maine to the Canadians (okay, I can get behind that one), open borders, more embryos for stem cell research, no obesity, Muslim foot baths in Post Offices, prayers in school five times a day (Muslims only), sensitivity training for all Christians, taxes on churches, same-sex marriage, no hate speech, no talk radio (especially no Rush Limbaugh), having Hugo Chavez Day, no ham sandwiches, more diversity, less freedom of speech, and a free needle exchange.

Then, they realised that if Bush resigned...

Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States, Dick Cheney!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Hate Crime

Six Muslims--here illegally, I might add--were arrested for attempting to murder, in cold blood, hundreds of US troops. Since the troops were gay--they were at Fort Dix, NJ, after all--the Muslims should be charged with a hate crime.

What? Fort Dix has nothing to do with...dicks? Ahhhhh.

Oh, then maybe it is a hate crime because the targets were a) not Muslim; and, b) were targeted based upon their race, creed, colour or national origin. (i.e., not Arabs, Africans, Turks. In other words, not Muslims).

But, to call a spade a spade (no pun intended) would be to offend.

Since we are at war--The War Against Terror--these six miscreants should be charged with treason and hanged, until they are not quite dead. Then, drawn, quartered, dismembered, and disemboweled. Finally, their entrails should be burned. (This is, I believe, the appropriate penalty for treason.) We need to get medieval on their asses.

Oh, and score one (more) for profiling.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Proving My Point That The 53 Year-Old Segolene Royal Looks Better In A Bikini Than French President, Nicolas Sarkozy.

She also looks better than Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY), Senator Barack Hussein Obama (D-IL), Mahmoud Ahmadinajad, and most every other Democrat candidate for president.


France elected Nicolas Sarkozy, son of a Hungarian immigrant (and, perhaps, a mill worker?), with 53% of the vote. He defeated Segolene Royal, the first woman to make it to the second round of a French presidential election. 85.5% of the French electorate turned out to vote for the pro-American Mr. Sarkozy (over the very attractive Ms. Royal).

This is the first time that the French president is not an America-hating wuss.

Of course, Ms. Royal looks better in a bikini, so there is that.

911...The Good One

The 1972 Porsche 911 (F-Series), one of my favourite cars...ever. The 2341cc engine, grinding out 165bph, is an absolute delight to drive, and it is fast, given that the car only weighs about 2300 lbs. (Ed. Note: The picture above is a 1973 911T, but it is quite similar to the 1972).

I had the pleasure of driving one of these cars in the hills of North Carolina, along some fine winding roads, heeling-and-toeing the clutch as I blew the car through the turns, using only the powerplant (and gears) for slowing the car. The whine of the rear engine, the wind in my hair, the gasps of the car's owner as I gave his baby the workout of her life.

I could almost hear the engine saying "Danke" as years of carbon deposits were cleaned out of the engine. As the tachometer needle approached 6000 revs, I felt the hand of the concerned owner on mine, his exhortations that I "please slow down."

My response, and the car's, was to blaze into a straightaway, in third, with the speedo passing the legal limit.

At the end of the ride, the owner was sweating, and furious, that I would have done that to his baby. I always felt that if I had taken his wife (or daughter) right in front of him, he would have been less flustered. (As an aside, if his love-making were anything like his driving style, it is impossible that his daughter shares his DNA.)
Bugfuck Crazy!

I was at a meeting last week, and one of the people involved kept saying "idear" (instead of "idea"). It is pretty hard to take people seriously when they can not properly pronounce a simple four-letter word.

Also annoying: People who talk about "...warshing the car" and taking their kids to "...Warshington, D.C., to see the Capitol."