Tuesday, October 31, 2006


This bloated gasbag is poised to win re-election to the United States Senate. Apparently, the only qualifications to being elected to the United States Senate from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts are to have a couple of martyred brothers, to have killed a woman who you were taking to the beach to have sex with, or to have been kicked out of Harvard for cheating. Oh, and you need to be a communist. It also helps to have an assload of money that you either married or inherited because you were too fucking stupid to have made your own way in the world.

The recent story about Senator Kennedy's efforts to undermine the United States can be found here: http://www.cnsnews.com/

In a perfect world, this assclown would be hanged, beheaded, drawn and quartered, then have his entrails removed and burned.

That is the thing about the transparency of the new Russia (a/k/a the former Soviet Union). We have learned that the Rosenbergs were rightfully executed for their role in helping the Soviet Union get the H-Bomb, the Venona intercepts have proven Senator McCarthy was right, and that men like Senator John Kerry (D-Beacon Hill, Nantucket and Naushon Island) helped the North Vietnamese prevail in the Vietnam War. Now, we find that proof that Fat Boy is not just a commie, but a traitor, too.

Yet another example of how Massachusetts' headlines are America's punchlines.

Saturday, October 28, 2006


Though he made the All-Jewish All Star Team.

Even though he is not Jewish.

Presumably, the selection was made based upon his name alone.

Even though he talks about the fact that he is not Jewish.

Racist motherfuckers.


300 Million Americans!

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

The husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the
ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would have put a rubber at the end of your stick, we would have been riding the bus, so shut the fuck up!"
What Price Equality? About $18 Million Dollars.


A man was fired for complaining that his female supervisor sexually harassed him. Gloria Allred took the case. I think that an award of $1.7 million, plus over $16 million for punitive damages is, well, outrageous. It is, however, a $6 million payday for Gloria, so hooray for her. I am glad that worked out for you, Gloria. Yeah, way to go.

Oh, and her client was an inventory clerk, with 25 years on the job. That means that in his remaining ten or so years of likely employment before retirement, he will be looking at about $170,000.00 per annum. Actually, more like $1.2 million, mostly tax free, when you take into account the punitive damages.

Yes, that is quite reasonable for a fucking inventory clerk. No wonder my groceries are so expensive.

Von's has appealed.

Friday, October 27, 2006





'Nuff said.
No Shit, Sherlock!


The decline of testosterone levels in American males is a sad and troubling side effect of the societal emasculation of men. This trend, known as "Oprahfication", is disturbing. Modern men are being taught that they should be sensitive, more feminine. Metrosexuality is heralded as one of the great leaps forward by men. Men (and men-in-training) are deterred from such pursuits as marksmanship, boxing, and physical prowess. Everything manly is dumbed-down so that everyone has the same opportunity. This is pure Bravo Sierra.

Now, just because metrosexual poster boy, David Beckham is confident enough to have his mug plastered all over England, with a milk moustache (which looks more like the remnants of a blowjob than the remnants of a glass of fat-filled Vitamin D moo juice) doesn't mean that all men need to embrace their more...um...stylish side.

I swear to God, American men are one episode of Oprah away from evolving a vagina.

Obesity, declining activity among males (e.g., not being able to play tag or dodgeball at recess), and several other factors equal increased mortality for men, along with greater costs related to healthcare (less testosterone = more Viagra).

The fact that boys, and young men, are not given as many opportunities to play sports, along with the growing popularity of video games, kids not walking to school, and the abolition of mens' sports in colleges and universities dooms men to becoming the frailer sex.

Face it, men are becoming second class citizens.

Oh, and Title IX might be partially to blame.


Title IX was meant to encourage increased participation by women in college sports. In reality, it has cut a wide swath through mens' athletics. This is due to the fact that colleges are required to have the same percentage of spots on their athletic teams, men to women, as are enrolled in the college. Therefore, if the fictional college, with an enrollment of 1,000, has a 50/50 ratio of women to men, there need to be an equal number of men and women participating in sports. This is the reason that Boston University dumped football, that UCLA dumped Mens' Swimming, and countess other schools have let the hammer fall on their sports programs.


The bottom line for sports is this: If there is a demand for a team, an interest among the students, then the university should consider funding the sport. These decisions should be made for the benefit of the student body, not by a bunch of lawyers trying to exact a pound of flesh because of some perceived inequity.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Find Lawyer Man With No Khram to Take Case...

That singer before me. Who was it? It was very courageous of MTV to start the show with a genuine transvestite, he was very convincing. It was only his hands and his testi satchels that gave it away.
— Following Madonna at the MTV EMAs.


No wonder people hate lawyers.
No wonder people hate Hollywood.
And Hollywood lawyers? Don't get me started.
"Religion of Peace" my ass!


The next time that someone belittles the contributions of American and Coalition forces in Iraq or Afghanistan; the next time some dumbass tells you that President Bush is the real terrorist; the next time someone bemoans the treatment of unlawful combatants; the next time someone tells you that we are not fighting World War IV when it comes to The War Against Terror, please remember this story.

These are people that want to subjugate women, eliminate homosexuals (with a bulldozer), force conversions at gunpoint, behead innocents on television, have "honour killings", riot when someone draws a caricature of their prophet, and wipe Israel off of the map.

Oh, and gang rape is okay if the victim wasn't wearing a head scarf.

There is a "religion" to get behind. Really.

q.v., also: http://www.nationalreview.com/comment/stalinsky200405040836.asp

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Why Johnny Can't Swear...

"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
Mark Twain

Tragedy struck the other day when I overheard a young boy, about the age of Mark Foley's pen pal, run out of curse words. The young man was, literally, speechless because he couldn't think of any more than five or six swear words that could be hurled at his adversary.

"Fuck you, man!" he said.

"Kiss my ass!", he exclaimed.

"Ummm. You're nothing but a big ol' damn hell!"

I remember once being told that the different between a Portuguese fisherman and an American was that the fisherman could curse you for twenty minutes, without repeating himself. Of course, that was because you were subject to him asking for the wrath of thousands of saints, family members (living and dead) and friends to be delivered unto you. Sometimes it is better to do things the way we did them in the old country.

There are so many impediments to good swearing, too. Boston University (and some other NCAA Division I hockey programs) have outlawed insensitive cheers (which are laden with the vernacular). The FCC has done the same thing, ensuring that the youth of America don't learn a valuable skill--swearing. No wonder American school children are at the bottom of the heap when it comes to cursing excellence.

Instead of the old standbys, the time has come to instruct the youth of America in the art of the curse. The swear. The (so-called) vernacular.

We like to see, thanks to the First Amendment, the use of everyday words like ass, tits and piss. We will also accept damn, hell, and the most versatile word in the English language, fuck.

In order to expand our horizons, we must open our minds to some of the more under-utilised words in the English language.

assbag, asshat, assclown and asshole are perfectly acceptable epithets to hurl at the idiot who cuts you off on the highway, at the woman at the RMV, or any non-English speaking customer service representative. (e.g., "I pressed one for English, you (fucking) assclown!")

cunt and twat are fine pejoratives. The former is, among other things, an acronym for Can't Understand Normal Thinking, slang for the punani, and wholly acceptable for use against women and men. It is downright mean to call a woman a cunt. It is positively emasculating to call a man a cunt. (N.B., The English are the frontrunners in the use of the word "cunt" to describe men. )

fucktard (and motherfucktard) are the atomic bomb and the hydrogen bomb of cursing. It is a great word to use when you are trying to describe a "fucking retard". It can also be a term of endearment. (e.g., "Hey, fucktard. How are you tonight?")

douchebag is just plain fun to say.

The need for this education is obvious. Get to work, people. And, have fun.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

"We hold the world ransom for one...hundred...billion dollars."

World domination is getting pretty damned expensive. Even Starbucks has had to jack up the price of their java by 5 cents a cup, just to make sure that the barristas (I hate that fucking word) can earn a living wage, while paying the poor Vietnamese, Kenyan and Colombian coffee growers something more as well. Of course, most coffee growers are living in countries where the GDP is less than Oprah spends on her haircut.

US per capita GDP is $41,415.00 per annum versus $1,070.00 for Kenya, $2,751.00 for Vietnam and $7,742.00 (thanks to all of that cocaine) for Colombia.)

So, what is my point? Oh yeah, world domination. In order to dominate the world, I anticipate having to spend a buttload of money. Perhaps you could help out by donating to the cause. Oh, and there is a cause, to be announced sometime later.

That is the only reason for that little donate button.

And if you don't click on it, I will flood the earth with liquid hot magma.

Muahahaha. Muahahaha.

Monday, October 23, 2006

These Are a Few of My Favourite Things
Tasteless Jokes
Vol. 1, No.3

Johnny was a troubled child, whose parents thought that a change would do him, and them, good. So, the Johnny family converted to Judaism.

And because Johnny (more specifically, little Johnny) had not yet been circumcised, he was. And the pain was more than a typical fourth grader could take. So Johnny, who was walking around the school with his hands in his pants, was sent to the principal.

After some discussion, Johnny was sent back to his classroom. He walked through the halls and into the classroom, with his wang hanging out of his fly.

Aghast, his teacher grabbed him and tried to turn him around so as to send him on his way back to the principal.

"But Mrs. Jones," Johnny whined, "the principal said if I could stick it out until noon, I could go home."
Words that I love to use...often.


prescient: http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/archive/2002/08/30.html



atavism: http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/archive/2005/04/22.html
ABA means American Bar Association

...not Al Quaida Bar Association. It is not like President Bush suspended the writ of habeas corpus (as did Abraham Lincoln, during the Civil War). The president has merely urged the actions necessary to preserve the Union from a minority of individuals who want to kill us all. The militant Muslims in the custody of the United States Government deserve, by all rights, to be tried by a military tribunal and executed upon conviction.

After all, these enemy combatants wear no uniform, they fight for no country, and they wish to see the United States ("The Great Satan") destroyed by their hands (or, at the very least, weakened from within). These villians would not be protected under the Geneva Conventions, and it is doubtful that the Islamic Caliphate that they wish to see formed would sign the damned thing. (Ask Sen. John McCain how those Geneva Convention protections worked out for him while he was a guest at the Hanoi Hilton.)

So, the ABA (the union for lawyers) wishes to see the writ of habeas corpus preserved for the terrorists, citing this as a protection against unwarranted government detention. Okay, let's analyze this.

Ahmed is captured in Blogistan. He is carrying ten pre-paid cell phones, some stolen credit cards (with the name Joe Stanton), plans to the New York City water system and a vial of anthrax. He is interrogated in an outsourced detention facility, where is forced to listen to Barbra Streisand albums (i.e., he is tortured), then shipped to Club Gitmo. Please, for the love of God, tell me what would be unwarranted about this detention?

The ABA can only be taking sides in this morass for two reasons: One, they are a bunch of America-hating idiots; or, two, they are a bunch of America-hating idiots who care more about their welfare than that of the innocents who will be killed by their future clients.

This begs the question: Does Al Quaida take out a full page ad, or a half page ad in the ABA Journal?

The world knows that if the unlawful combatants who are in American custody get access to the Courts, then it is Katie bar the door. These scumbags, with their lawyers, will be tying up the Courts until kingdom come. After all, we have one lawyer, who communicated her client's anti-American screed to his followers get a slap on the wrist (as opposed to a hanging in Times Square). Can the release of sensitive information, deleterious to national security, be far behind?

Oh wait, The New York Times already did that.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Tasteless Jokes
Vol. 1, No. 2

If only Nicole had run over O.J., or the Colombian drug lords, she might be alive today. Hell, if she had run over Kato, then she might have gotten the Nobel Prize.

I remember, vividly, coming home from a regatta and seeing the Bronco chase. And within hours of O.J.'s arrest, I had a fax copy of 72 jokes that had been thought up, literally overnight.

Four of my favourites:

Q: How did the police know that Thurman Thomas (Buffalo Bills RB) didn't kill Nicole?

A: Because he would have fumbled the knife.

Q: What did Ron Goldman say to Nicole in heaven?

A: Here are your fucking glasses.

Q: What position will O.J. play on the San Quentin football team?

A: Wide Receiver. Though, he was going to start as a Tight End.

Q: Did you hear about O.J.'s upcoming role in the new Naked Gun movie?

A: It is called Naked Gun 44 1/4: Nordberg Gets the Chair.

So, he's writing a book. Hmmm.

Thursday, October 19, 2006


Word has it that Orenthal James Simpson is going to write a novel about the hypothetical murder of a hypothetical ex-wife, and he is going to be paid a lot of money.

So, let's recap, moving anti-clockwise, from the bottom right (out of respect for other cultures):

Ex-wife brutally murdered with her friend. The murder is unsolved and the number one suspect (after the Colombian drug lords, of course) is found not guilty by, quite possibly, the dumbest jury ever assembled. Oh, and the fact that the prosecutor was inept, and a complete and utter whack-job didn't help, either.

Pregnant wife brutally murdered and the body deep-sixed by the number one suspect, who is, surprisingly, found guilty and sentenced to death by a California jury. The murderer probably gets more letters (and conjugal visit action) from crazed and lonely women wanting to bear his children than O.J. does on the outside.

Wife brutally murdered after the number one suspect goes back to the restaurant to get his gun. (She is, coincidentally, shot, by the unknown assailant.) The second dumbest jury in the history of the Republic of California acquits Blake.

One can only conclude that in California, it is all right to brutally murder your wife/ex-wife as long as you don't take her fishing.

Or, that the common man doesn't get a fair trial...
Or, that people on juries are generally stupid...
Or, that money, celebrity and privilege get you different treatment than if you are a poor, dumb loser.

Or, that in California, you can kill your wife as long as you don't take her fishing.


Teacher: "Mrs. Smith, Johnny was very bad today, and I have recommended that he be suspended."

Mrs. Smith: "What did he do? Pray before his spelling test? Mention 'one nation under God' when he said the Pledge of Allegiance? Make fun of Heather for having two mommies?"

Teacher: "Worse. He was playing tag at recess."

I have three words in response to this story: What the fuck?!?

Tag is being banned because someone might get hurt when they are being chased? Some child might feel bad when he is "it"? Because tag is exclusionary?

Well, I have news for you, sunshine. You just might get hurt in this great big world in which we live. And if you think that you aren't going to be chased every single day of your life, you are, my friend, sadly mistaken.

We are all "it" at some point in our lives, and society, in the main, is exclusionary.

Get over it. In fact, tag should probably be a requirement in school. It teaches valuable life skills, like the need to be physically fit, to be clever, to be smart, and to be competitive. More to the point, these idiots in Attleboro should take a look at history.

Wellington was said to have remarked that "...the Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton and Harrow." If these clowns were around in Wellington's day, we would all be speaking German now. [Ed. Note: Please don't tell me that Napolean was French and that we'd be speaking French now. No, Napolean was from Corsica, and was born one year after its transfer from Genoa to France. Oh, and my point was this: The French would have won at Waterloo, perhaps, but would have eventually surrendered to the Germans in 1914 because there would have been no British Empire to oppose the Huns' onslaught.]

Hell, the next thing you'll tell me is that they want to ban touch football. Wait, they did.

This is the thing: we complain, on one hand about kids being fat and sedentary, then discourage the very activities that would make them svelte and athletic.

Someone needs to sue the Attleboro School Department. Some lawyer will take the case. Maybe the guy who represented the fellow with the bad hairpiece. Or, maybe if there were a rape and an allegation of racial bias, Deval Patrick might just get involved on behalf of the kids.

In fact, where is the phone. I want to know what Healy and Patrick have to say about this nonsense.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Life Imitates Art

There once was a young Irish lass
Whose father had balls made of brass
In inclement weather
His balls knocked together
And fire would shoot out of his ass.


Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Yankees Lose! Yankees Lose!


He was the only pitcher wearing pinstripes who could stifle the offense of the Tigers.

And no, this was not the headline of any of the New York tabs on the morning after.

Go Tigers!


If one more educated person, just one more, says "supposebly", I will take a life. Maybe, my own.

What the hell?

Like fingernails on a chalkboard, when I hear ass clowns who say "irregardless", and douchebags who order "expresso", I become absolutely apoplectic. I hate it when someone is too dense to pronounce their words correctly.

Language is the currency of the educated man and woman. These idiots are broke.

sup·posed (s-pzd, -pzd)
1. Presumed to be true or real without conclusive evidence.
2. Intended: medication that is supposed to relieve pain.
a. Required: He is supposed to go to the store.
b. Permitted: We are not supposed to smoke here.
c. Firmly believed; expected: You're supposed to be my friend.

sup·posed·ly (-pzd-l) adv.
Synonyms: supposed, conjectural, hypothetical, putative, reputed, suppositious, supposititiousThese adjectives mean put forth or accepted as being true on inconclusive grounds: the supposed cause of inflation; conjectural criticism; the hypothetical site of a lost culture; a foundling's putative father; the reputed author of the article; suppositious reconstructions of dead languages; supposititious hypotheses.
Antonym: certain
hm();Sources=Sources 2;

As an aside, I don't believe, even for a moment, that these folks meant to say "supposable". They aren't that smart.


Wednesday, October 04, 2006








It pains me to say it, but the Yankees won, 8-4 over the fading Tigers of Detroit.

I heard a radio announcer say that Jeter told him that Wang was as awesome as A-Rod.

None of the above was a headline. And Jeter said nothing about A-Rod. He did say he liked Wang.

The PEN IS mightier than the sword.

(I know that this is all really sophomoric; but, it is just plain fun to say the word "WANG." Plus, with the Red Sox finishing--gulp--third in the AL East, there is nothing left to do but make dick jokes about the Yankees.)

* If Chien-Mien Wang ever has a perfect game, I hope and pray that the headline will be this. Literally translated, it means "perfect pitch." (Which begs the question, how does this apply to the eponymous band?)

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

I was in Court one morning and Cordero was being arraigned. Someone said: "If only his wife had dressed up as a baseball, he wouldn't have been able to hit her."

.273/.330/.428 (AVG/OBP/SLG)

His lifetime stats prove it.


"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."
-Mark Twain

In Chicagoland, a school superintendent secretly videotaped interviews with new teachers, then edited in his own questions, making the teachers look like killers, strippers, and drug abusers. If John Stewart did this, it would be Emmy-winning entertainment. Let one openly gay school superintendent do it and academia is in high dudgeon.

Let's face it, this is funny. Very funny, and the people who are upset are pissed because they did not think 0f it first. Rich Mitchell, the superintendent did this for shits and giggles, then aired it before 500 faculty and staff back on August 24th, 2006. It was part of a discussion about how to inject humor and laughter in the workplace. But these assholes aren't laughing, mainly because someone made fun of them.

In one of the funnier interchanges, Mitchell asks a prospective teacher the following:

Mitchell: "Do you have nickname?"

Answer: "Yeah, predator."

Mitchell: "How do you like to unwind?"

Answer: "I enjoy a lot of leisure activities."

Mitchell: "Such as?"

Answer: "Killing."

Mitchell: "Who have you tried to kill?"

Answer: "Pat Welch."

Mitchell: "How do you plan on getting away with all of this?"

Answer: "I think that's my aim, to find out."

Mitchell, at the very least, deserves points for creativity in writing the fake questions to maximize the comedy factor. This may also give Mitchell the street cred to go to Hollywood and flog a screenplay, or to become a screenwriter. This is hilarious.

The point is that we as a society have become so wound up in our own importance that we have forgotten how to laugh at ourselves. We feel uncomfortable with this type of humor, or ethnic humor, because deep down inside we don't want to admit that we have prejudices and fears and discomfort with situations. Because we can not admit our own frailties, we become apoplectic when someone tells an off-color joke, or uses a slur, or even says a word like "niggardly."

The fact that someone puts together a DVD, making everyone the butt of jokes, is downright funny. And I would imagine that more than a few of these people who are upset may have called Mitchell, or some other openly gay person, a homo, faggot, or queer.

That is not to say that Mitchell has a right to do this because he is gay; but, rather, because it is funny, and he has a First Amendment right to make the video. And on another level, isn't it a bit odd that the National Endowment for the Arts will pay for a crucifix in urine, a bullwhip up a man's ass, or the Virgin Mary in dung; but, some humorless assbag gets worked up when an educator exhibits some of the traits that are so lacking in education today: humor, creativity, humility, and production values.

The Pool supports Mitchell in his bid to keep his job. Of course, that may not be good for him, but....