Wednesday, January 30, 2008

And Then There Were Three...

Well, four, but Congressman Ron Paul (R-Ob/Gyn) doesn't really count.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani quit today. Then, he threw his support behind the anti-Constitutional Vietnam War Veteran (and former POW), Senator John Sidney McCain, III (R-AZ).

Then, earlier tonight, the four remaining Republican contenders squared off in a debate at the Reagan Presidential Library.

It was a chance for the candidates to make their cases (again), before the Super Tuesday Primaries next Tuesday (duh!).

Governor Mitt Romney and Senator McCain demonstrated the width and depth of their loathing for each other; and, Governor Mitt seemed to come off looking smarter, better qualified, and less petulant than Senator McCain. Indeed, the Senator's retorts were described as "snarky" by the men and women watching the debate.

McCain denigrated Romney's experience in the business world, saying that he was a "leader," and that he could hire bean-counters (like Romney). He again mis-stated and distorted Romney's positions; and, he fell back on his ability to garner bi-partisan support (from his friends, like Senators Lieberman, Clinton and Kennedy).

He showed his ignorance of the real world, and his lack of Conservative Republican credentials.

He also reaffirmed the old saw that, when confronted with the choice between the Democrat and the Democrat, they will vote for the Democrat.

The Lifeguard declares a winner of tonight's debate to be...Governor Mitt Romney!

Hillary! Says She Can Control Bill

When asked about former-President Bill Clinton's racially insensitive comments, for which she apologised, she indicated that she could "control" him.

Just like she "controlled" him when he was tagging Gennifer Flowers, Juanita Broaddrick, Monica Lewinsky*, Eleanor Mondale (maybe), Barbra Streisand, Sharon Stone, Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey, Catherine Cornelius, or anyone else.

Face it. We all know that Hillary! is going to do a Full Tammy (and stand by her man).

Of course, once she gets in the White House, she is sending him off on a Grand Tour of every Third World shit-hole, where he will be able to (legally) buy Cuban cigars and screw everything with two legs and a pair of X chromosomes.

*According to the Starr Report, cigars and oral sex equal tagging.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

"Lawdy, Y'all. Dat Obama Be Jus' Like Da Reverend Jackson. Now, Where's Da White Women At?"

Speaking yesterday, in Columbia, South Carolina, Former (Impeached Black) President Bill Clinton compared Senator B. Hussein Obama with one of the most divisive figures in American politics, the race-baiting shakedown artist, the Reverend Jesse Jackson.

By mentioning Jackson and Obama in the same sentence, Clinton successfully engendered the same reaction that linking President Bush and Adolf Hitler gets (in the non-liberal, America-loving America in which I live). Or, Howard Dean comparing Senator Joe Lieberman (I-CT) with neo-Nazis.

Simply put, most Democrats--certainly those at the top of the food chain--are racists. And, Bill and Hillary! are among the worst.

The former President has managed to send a message to the racist element in America--the same people who think that Oprah is a "traitor" for supporting Obama--that the only good black President of the United States is a white President of the United States. (And, since the Twenty Second Amendment prohibits him, elect his wife.)

Sadly, in the past, many blacks have accepted this line of reasoning. But, with Obama in the hunt, they have a choice between The Establishment (Hillary!) and the New Generation (Obama). Whether the black community makes that choice or not remains to be seen.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Except, It Said, "Providence, RI 02918"...

I was at the local Chinese Restaurant, picking up my number 15*, when I saw this woman get out of her mini van (the shock absorbers heaving a sigh of relief) and close the car door. (She was, no doubt, going for the $7.95 All You Can Graze buffet.)

As she did, she dropped something on the ground. When she bent over to pick it up, I was presented with the Mother of all Tramp Stamps.

Now, I understand that the lower back is the location of choice for the Panama City License Plate. This is so because the skin on the lower back is less prone to stretch and sag as the woman ages and grows. At least that is what the Germans tell us.

This was one ugly tattoo; and, one bad Zip Code.

Really, why not "Weston, MA 02493." Maybe, "Greenwich, CT 06830." Wait, usually, women from the more affluent towns do not get such advertising plastered on their backsides.

I would have taken a picture; but, I didn't have my wide angle lens.

*Reminds me of the Chinese couple on their honeymoon. The husband asks his new wife for some 69. She says, "Why do you want beef and broccoli now?"

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Yesterday marked the thirty-fifth anniversary of the worst decision in the history of the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS). Justice Harry Blackmun, writing for the majority in Roe v. Wade, made up a right that didn't exist in the Constitution; but, which (in his mind) was implied in a line of cases.

Years later, I had the opportunity to ask Justice Blackmun a question about his most significant opinion; and, he said, "I will not talk about Roe." (I said, "No, I wanted to ask you about your opinion in Helicopteros Nacionales de Colombia, S.A. v. Hall." He was not amused.)

Notwithstanding the thrill of discussing in personam jurisdiction under the Fourteenth Amendment, Justice Blackmun knew that I was busting balls.

Funnily enough, Justice Blackmun thought that it was right in 1973; and, he thought it was right later on, years later. Correct that he had created a non-existent right--the rascally right to privacy--out of whole cloth. Right that he had legislated something from the bench that, if put to a referendum, would have probably passed (i.e., remained legal). Or, he could have simply followed the Constitution, and let the Tenth Amendment take care of things.

In reality, had Roe gone the other way, Jane Roe probably still could have had her abortion. (And, years later, she probably still would have had the change of heart that she did, coming to the conclusion that abortion is wrong.)

Indeed, abortion is still one of the biggest issues in American politics today.

Frankly, everyone is pro-choice: Some say that "life is a choice"; and, others say that a woman bears the ultimate choice over the life or death of the fetus growing inside of her body.

Regardless of your opinion on this subject, the general view--in mainstream America--is that abortion (especially after the first trimester) is wrong. However, like nuclear weapons, or the internet, the genie is out of the bottle. That genie can never be returned.

So, on the day after the anniversary, please consider this: Abortion, while distasteful, is with us.

Don't kill someone (i.e., an abortion doctor) to prevent it. Don't bomb an abortion clinic. Don't physically restrain someone on their way to have an abortion (for, that is battery). Instead, discuss, rationally, the horrors--emotional and physical--of abortion. Talk about alternatives. Try to prevent it, whenever possible.

If you can, you have saved a life. If you can not, you have done your best. In this case, that is all that you can hope to do.

Finally, I add that, while opposed to abortion, The Lifeguard would not love a child (or other person) any less if they believed that having an abortion was the right choice.

For mine own part, I would like to see the question put to a referendum. Notwithstanding that, I would note that it is the law of the land (until Roe is over-ruled). As such, we have to accept that.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Bill Clinton's Dream...
Former President Bill Clinton, in an appearance at the Convent Avenue Baptist Church, in Harlem, New York, was caught dozing off.

Said the former Chief Executive, "I was tired of listening to all of this shit about Martin Luther King, Jr. Hell, I was the first black President of the United States."

Later, he recalled former Ambassador Andrew Young's comments, and said, "I started thinking about Michelle Obama, and how I'd like to hit that thang."

"My dream is to have Hillary! and Barrack on the same ticket. Then, I can 'entertain' the Second Lady, if you know what I mean," Clinton said.

"The Lincoln Bedroom is mighty cozy," said Clinton.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Last Call For Maddie's Sail Loft

One of the great sailors' bars closed last Friday, and I didn't get a chance to say, "Goodbye."

I spent many years drinking at Maddie's; eating their (bad) food; and, telling stories with the crew of the various and sundry boats on which I raced. I was friendly with the owners and the wait-staff. I loved that place.

We made friends at Maddie's. We told tall tales at Maddie's. The Commode Door Cup was kept behind the bar; and, once a year, we enjoyed shots of Myer's Rum from the bowl.

You don't have to go home; but, you can't stay here.

The Lifeguard sends his condolences to the owners.

And now, the search for a new Wednesday night hang-out begins.

Mitt And Hillary! Win Nevada Caucuses! McCain Wins South Carolina...

It is too damn bad that Nevada (and its 31 delegates) wasn't all that important a story (in the eyes of the Republican-loathing media). Hillary!, on the other hand, eked out a narrow victory over Senator B. Hussein Obama on a day that saw former President Bill complain of disenfranchisement (apparently, some of the illegal aliens who wanted to vote for Hillary! were turned away) in caucuses that were "not like an election."

In South Carolina, Senator McCain avoided his 2000 primary failure by winning the Palmetto State. While in the past, the South Carolina Primary might have been a bellwether of Southern voting trends, the last twenty years have seen a huge influx of Damn Yankees*. Also, Mitt Romney's Mormonism played less well than the Reverend Mike's Baptistness. Huckabee finished second, and Romney, third.

Next up, the Democrats molest the Palmetto State next Saturday, when the Obama camp hopes to capitalise on his blackness (in the same way that Reverend Jesse did in 1984); and, Hillary! hopes to capitalise on her white womanlyness (in the same way that former Senator John Edwards did in 2004). Of course, neither race nor sex matters. (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.)

*A Yankee goes home after his vacation. A Damn Yankee buys a house and stays.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

The Clintons Are Pretty Amazing!

They seem to be on the cutting edge of historic events. Hillary! is named for the beekeeper from New Zealand, Sir Edmund Hillary, who scaled Mt. Everest. The only problem: She was born almost six years before Sir Edmund conquered Everest.

Hillary! said that her daughter, Chelsea, witnessed the planes fly into the World Trade Centers while she was out for a run. Except for the fact that she was on Park Avenue South. Miles from the attacks.

Former President, Bill (the only elected president to be impeached), witnessed black churches burning in Arkansas. Except, he didn't.

Now, on the eve of Hillary!'s victory in the Nevada Caucuses, Bill (and Chelsea) say that they witnessed voter suppression. Except, it seems that there is no evidence that they did. (There were some reports that Sir Edmund Hillary--once, a beekeeper--released a shit-load of bees into the HVAC system of the MGM Grand.)

The former First Family; victims, one and all.

Friday, January 18, 2008

RIP, J...

Sadly, I lost my friend, J, earlier this week. One minute he was with us; the next, he was gone.

I will miss the way that grumpy bastard could brighten a leaving it.

His sardonic wit. The absolute disregard for political correctness. The great stories about a life lived (or wasted, depending upon your perspective). The laughs about the dumb shit that people do. Like taunting a tiger, or wearing a T-Shirt to court that says, "Bad Cop. No Doughnut."

Most of all, I will remember one of the first things that J said to me:

J: "Are you busy?"

Me: "No."

J: "Then, go fuck yourself."

To this day, I revel when I can ask a store clerk, receptionist, or anyone else (for that matter), "Are you busy?"

So, J, wherever you are: "Are you busy?"

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Lifeguard Does Not Heart Huckabee

Yet another fat douche from Arkansas. From Hope, Arkansas, to be precise.

Governor Huckabee is a lot of things, and a smart, driven man; but, he has about as much business running the United States of America as did the last Arkansan who ran for the highest office in the land.

I am troubled by three things:

First, he is something of a stealth candidate. A man who has hidden his record; and, who gets exercised when it is mentioned. I note that he has made petulant remarks to both Senator Fred Thompson and Governor Mitt Romney (who won the Michigan Primary on this night). He criticised Governor Romney's religion (playing on fears that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is a cult). And, most recently, Governor Huckabee took a dig at Governor Romney, when faced with a crying child.

Second, he is a media darling; and, if a mainstream newspaper is endorsing Governor Huckabee, then he is not for me. As near as I can tell, he is more of a McCain Republican than a Reagan Republican.

He lacks skill as a chief executive, he has some tolerance for illegal immigration, and he has been a mixed bag on taxes (though he supports the "Fair Tax") and crime. Hell, even Bill Clinton was willing to execute a retard or two to show he was a law-and-order guy.

Finally, in spite of the fact that he has the support of Chuck Norris, I am (personally) troubled that he is an ordained Baptist* minister. Not because he is a religious man; but, because he has gone the extra step to become ordained. This, in my mind, is of greater concern than whether Governor Romney is LDS, or that Mayor Giuliani is a Roman Catholic.

Oh, and I doubt that anyone outside of the United States would take a Huckabee Administration seriously. Too much like that shitty movie.

*Ed. Note: I remember this (Baptist) girl asking me if I felt bad about the fact that I wasn't a Christian. I told her that I was Roman Catholic, and she said, "[w]ell, it's not the same thing." I have probably judged Baptists unfairly because of this vapid chick; but, I get the feeling that--with Baptists--it is not the exception, it is the rule.

Monday, January 14, 2008


“I would point to the fact that that Dr. King’s dream began to be realized when President Johnson passed the Civil Rights Act of 1964, when he was able to get through Congress something that President Kennedy was hopeful to do, the president before had not even tried, but it took a president to get it done. That dream became a reality, the power of that dream became real in people’s lives because we had a president who said we are going to do it, and actually got it accomplished.”

Senator Hillary! Rodham Clinton (D-NY), speaking before the Local 32BJ Union, in Midtown Manhattan, made the above remarks, hoping to explain away accusations that she is a racist.

I would point to the fact that had it not been for the Republican members of Congress--the ones that stepped up and supported President Johnson, and the Civil Rights Act of 1964--the president would have gotten cock.

I also note that the Civil Rights Act of 1957, introduced by President Dwight D. Eisenhower, was watered-down due, in large part, to Senate Leader (and later President) Lyndon Baines Johnson.

The Lifeguard Isn't About To Vote For...

Senator John Sidney McCain (R?-AZ).

Without going into too much detail, I note the following reasons to not vote for Senator McCain:

First, lest anyone forget, he is the consummate Washington D.C. insider. And, the only member of the Keating Five to not lose his job. Having escaped the hangman's noose, he got religion about campaign financing, and took--along with Senator Russ Feingold (D-WI)--a massive dump on the Constitution. As a result of his misguided legislation, it is now illegal for groups to run issue ads that specifically mention a(n incumbent) candidate. Instead of calling this abortion McCain-Feingold, it should have been called, "Fuck the public and let us keep our jobs."

Second, Senator McCain is a little too close to Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-AA Meeting), especially when it comes to illegal...wait...undocumented aliens. He is for amnesty. Even though he calls it something else. What a fucktard. He represents a state that is drowning in illegal aliens; and, which has just passed a severe anti-illegal law. I want a president who is for American Citizens, not American wannabes. He also was a member of the Gang of Fourteen, who obstructed the appointment of the judicial nominees of President G.W. Bush.

Third, the good Senator is a little too old for my taste. Not old in a former President Reagan way. Old in a "Holy shit, look at that guy's face" way. Like he went ten rounds with Mike Tyson. He's got skin cancers...and the demons of having been tortured by the North Vietnamese.

Which brings me to fourth. He is soft on the treatment of terrorists. No waterboarding for Senator McCain (even though he probably went through something like it when he went through Escape and Evasion Training). I would expect someone who wore a uniform, and was treated in a way that violated the Geneva Conventions to understand that people who do not wear a uniform are not protected by the Geneva Conventions. Further, I would expect this chap to understand that sometimes, torture works. (e.g., Khalid Sheikh Mohammed)

And, finally, while he has been anti-tax increase, he did vote against the Bush Tax Relief...twice. I don't care for any candidate who wants to send more of my money to Washington, D.C.--even if he claims that he voted against the cuts because there weren't corresponding budget cuts.

So, one down, a bunch more to go.

Over the next few days, The Lifeguard will give you the straight skinny on the candidates. You know, so you can make an informed decision on the man (or woman) for whom you will vote.

*For those of you in Massachusetts, you have until January 16th, 2008, to register to vote in the February 5th, 2008 Presidential Primary. Either go to your local city (or town) offices; or, download this form and deliver it, by Wednesday, to the clerk's office.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

It Seemed Only Fair To Post A Picture Of Keira Knightly After The Train Wreck Below...

Madeleine Albright Is A Tool
The former Secretary of State under former (impeached) President, William Jefferson Clinton, said that the Bush (43) Presidency was " of the worst in history."
This, from the woman who danced with Kim Jong Il and claimed not to know that she was of Jewish descent. Hell, I didn't know her family history and I knew that she was of Jewish descent.
So, to the woman who thinks that President Bush is one of the worst presidents in history...and, who thinks that Senator Hillary! Rodham Clinton would be one of the best, "Shut the fuck up!"

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

I Must Admit, It Wasn't Quite What I Expected...

I was perusing the headlines, and I saw this: "Swedes to use body heat to warm offices."

In a flash, I had my bags packed, my ticket purchased, my passport in hand. I was off to Stockholm, to do my part to save the Earth from the effects of Global Climate Change.

Then, I actually read the article.

Monday, January 07, 2008

You Should Have Listened To Me, Jim Tressel.

Third quarter, BCS Championship, and LSU is spanking Ohio State, 31-10. So much for OSU's claim that they were the best team in the nation.

For my own part, I only cared about two bowls: The Meineke Car Care Bowl (won by a strong Wake Forest team, 24-10) and the BCS Championship.

I was interested in the former because I am an alumnus of Wake Forest. I cared about the latter because I can not stand Ohio State.

So, "Go Tigers!"


Hillary! does it again...and gets a free pass from the mainstream media. Today...on Today (with Matt Lauer)...Hillary! noted that Senator B. Hussein Obama (who hopes to be America's second black president) "...hasn't done the spadework necessary to be president."

Maybe The Lifeguard (and Rush Limbaugh) are making too much of this; but, I don't think so.

She went on to talk about how Governor Bill Richardson, an Hispanic, keeps his house spic and span; and how she once "Jewed down" Connecticut Senator Joey Lieberman at a garage sale.

Rush Limbaugh mentioned it. A few bloggers have, too. The major news organs, however, have decided to let it slide. Sort of like when she recalled that Ghandi ran a convenience store in St. Louis.

In other news, Hillary!'s husband, the first black President of the United States, said that he was unable to make Hillary! "...younger, taller, male." He did, however, tell a chunky college girl working on Hillary!'s campaign that he could "...make her see Jesus."

Sunday, January 06, 2008

"Y'all fat, and y'all eat too much."

That was what the waitress at a Houma, Louisiana Chinese restaurant told 6'3", 265 pound Ricky Labit after he and his fat(ter) relative went through the buffet line again (and again).

The two were at an all-you-can-eat buffet, and were singled out by the proprietress because of the large quantity of crab and frog legs scarfed down by Labit and his wife's cousin, Michael Borelli.

Borelli and Labit were each initially slapped with a ten ($10.00) dollar fat-ass surcharge. Eventually, the police were called; and, after some discussion, the gents were given their meals on the arm.

Ed. Note: I saw these chaps on Fox News, and I thought, for a moment, that I was watching a remake of Deliverance. Hearing these boys talk was like listening to Farmer Fran. In addition, they had the sack to criticise the proprietress of the restaurant for having limited English skills. Or, at least that what I thought they said.

And, I am still trying to wrap my head around why one eats "shrimp balls." Hell, they are so small--shrimpy, even--and it takes so many to make a meal. And, it gives Southern folk a bad name. They might as well have talked about sweet-and-sour squirrel and Moo Shu nutria.

"I like man-dates."

Watching the Facebook/WMUR Republican debate, on Saturday, January 5th, 2008, was a watershed event. Sort of like the day that the Mitchell Report was published. Or the day that Benazir Bhutto was murdered by some cowardly goat-humper on a martyrdom mission. Or the day that I found out that Britney Spears was an unfit mother.

Former Massachusetts Governor, Willard Mitt Romney, admitted that he was...gasp...a homosexual. Or, at the very least, a metrosexual.

When asked a question by former Senator Fred Thompson (R-Law and Order), Romney said (not once, but twice) that he "[d] man-dates."

Say it ain't so, Mitt. Say it ain't so.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Happy New Year!

I don't know what the picture has to do with 2008, or the New Year, or anything else, for that matter. I just know that I have always liked the picture--its passion, its vitality, its spontaneity.

Anyway, The Lifeguard hopes that you all started off the new year with someone you love/thinking of someone you love/with someone you might grow to love.

In other words, The Lifeguard wishes you all a healthy, happy, loving and prosperous 2008.

The picture, by the way, is Robert Doisneau's "Kiss at the Hotel de Ville."