Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Final Countdown...

Dumb and Dumber
Thursday can't get here soon enough.

SCOTUS will issue their decision on ObamaCare (which is a gross Obamanation), and the House will vote to hold Attorney General Holder in contempt of Congress.  (The Lifeguard wonders why we can't hold Congress in contempt of us, but that's a question for another day.  November 6, to be exact.)

The Lifeguard predicts that it's gonna be a good day.  

SCOTUS strikes down ObamaCare, 6-3.

Holder gets spanked, 251-184.

(But don't hold The Lifeguard to that.)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Olympic Struggle...

The Lifeguard Is Going To London!
While Michael Phelps did qualify for his fourth Olympics, The Lifeguard was exceptional in his premier event, the breast stroke.

In fact, The Lifeguard managed to complete the event (with his medley partner, Candace) in a record 2:47.32.  With any luck, The Lifeguard will break the elusive three-hour mark this summer, in London.

Maybe Tom Jones will sing the US National Anthem.

Friday, June 22, 2012


From the showers at Penn State to the showers at the State Pen!

Ex-Penn State coach, Jerry Sandusky, is convicted by a Happy Valley jury of 45 counts of sex abuse.  Or rape.  (Whatever you want to call it, it's fucking awful.

The Pennsylvania prison system's football team is getting another tight end, and he's excited.  (Not as excited as his cell mates, but excited nevertheless.)

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


Not Guilty
The last (mostly sports) edition of Speedos! was not well received.  The Lifeguard suspects that it was because of the tasteless (in some circles) WWII reference (regarding the Russia v. Poland football match), or because there were no pictures of hot chicks kissing each other.

  • Former Red Sox et al. fastballer, Roger Clemens was found not guilty, in his  retrial, by a jury of eight women and four men.  Following a ten week trial, the jury deliberated for a total of ten hours before rendering their verdict.  Apparently, the jury found the government's case to be lacking.  (Or, they were fed up by the colossal waste of time, money, and resources spent by said government chasing people who might have used performance-enhancing drugs.)
  • If you are a government lawyer, and you can't get Guiltys on Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens, you should swallow the pipe.  Seriously, you can't get a guilty verdict on two of the biggest assholes in baseball?  You get a second shot at Clemens, and you can't convict?  What a fucking douche.
  • Speaking of fucking douches, who are talentless lawyers, Attorney General Eric Holder continues his dance with Congressman Darrell Issa (R-CA).  Of course, Holder probably figures that if the government can't convict well-known assholes like Bonds and Clemens, he's gonna go scot-free, regardless of what he does.
  • If it's racist to call President Obama "cool", isn't "scot-free" also offensive?
  • If Congress can prosecute people who lie to them, why can't the people prosecute Congress for lying to us.  (Actually, we can.  It's called "Election Day.")
  • [UPDATE]  Adidas cancels "Shackle Shoes."  For the wrong reason.
  • President Barack Hussein Obama (who did not cross the border illegally) stirred the shit by appearing to bow to Felipe Calderon, the Mexican president.  But, giving BHO the benefit of the doubt, it may have something to do with the fact that Calderon is about two feet shorter than the Preezy of the Heezy.
  • Speaking of the PotH, is The Lifeguard the only one who is appalled by the recent decision to not deport 18-30 year olds?  Really?  Sure, they say that these immigrants are only getting work permits, not citizenship. Of course, their anchor babies will be born as US citizens.  And, since the policy is to "keep families together," there isn't a single person going home.  (In other words, "Welcome to America" to about 10 million people.)
  • In defence of the PotH, they'll probably all vote Democrat.
  • There are few countries that are more fucked up than Syria.  (Sure, North Korea and most of the countries in Africa are fucked up, but Syria is fucked up in prime time.)
  • The world might need a man like President Obama.  America most certainly does not.
  • A Bedford County (Virginia) dog received a voter registration form in the mail.  The dog was dead.  Thank God all of those illegals that Obama just let in last Friday won't be able to vote.  
  • The Lifeguard just learned of the all-girls school, in Quebec, where a hypnosis demonstration went awry, leaving all of the girls in a trance.  The Lifeguard is sorry he missed it.  Wait!  The girls were 12 and 13.  Never mind.  
  • R. Kelly is really sorry he missed it.
That's enough for now, y'all.

Have a great day.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Pumped up kicks...

Slaves Preferred Nikes
Another item in the "You Can't Make This Shit Up" department:

German shoe manufacturer, Adidas, is planning a hot new pair of shoes, the JS Roundhouse Mids.  Of course, there is outrage because they are the ugliest fucking trainers The Lifeguard has ever seen.

Wait!  Actually, the outrage is over the bright orange shackles, which critics have compared to the ankle bracelets worn by slaves, prisoners, and members of a chain gang.  Of course, the controversy a clever advertising ploy by Adidas, to build interest for the hideous shoes.  Noted one Adidas lover, "People put their wallets or keys on chains, why not their shoes?  And, at these prices, you'll want to keep your Felony Flyers close.  What better way than ankle bracelets and chains?"

Do we really have to make these shoes about slavery?  The real crime is that people who can ill-afford shoes that make a fashion statement will shell out money so that they can look cool.  (Apologies to Angela Rye.  The Lifeguard had forgotten the "cool" is a racist term.)

Meanwhile, youths in Detroit have already started lining up to pre-order these ugly-ass shoes.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Happy Father's Day!

This Is What The Lifeguard Got For Father's Day
That's one hell of a present, don't you think?

Anyway, The Lifeguard has to go and unwrap his gift, so Happy Father's Day to y'all.

Friday, June 15, 2012


The Lifeguard had to go to the local office of the Social Security Administration to get a replacement  Social Security card.  There, The Lifeguard discovered the reason why their slogan is, "You think the DMV is bad?  Welcome to the Ninth Level of Hell."

In a room full of fat people--adults and children--and immigrants, The Lifeguard found himself thinking that Mayor Michael Bloomberg just might be right.  This was not a room of people in need of information regarding Social Security benefits, this was a room filled with people in need of a gym membership and a low-carb diet.  (At the very least, a shitload of duct tape with which to cover their over-active pie-holes.)

Honestly, doesn't the inability to wear clothes with buttons, zippers, or clasps signal a need to eschew the 72 ounce Coke?  Doesn't the fact that you can't walk 10 feet without getting winded indicate a need for fewer Big Macs (and more fruits)?  And, why must The Lifeguard struggle to get down a supermarket aisle when a fleshy behemoth is astride the powered shopping scooter, blocking all comers from the Twinkies, Oreos, and fudgie things?

The Lifeguard is not opposed to people who are overweight (and trying to lose those extra pounds), just to those who simply don't give a shit about their personal appearance.

And the canes.  Oh, the canes.  (The Lifeguard noted the close proximity of Canes 'R' Us to the office.)

Witness the hirsute fat cat (wearing a too-small Guinea-Tee), cane in hand, talking to his spawn.  (Four overweight children, boys in shorts and wife-beaters, girls in stretch pants that were stretched to the breaking point.)

[Fat Boy]:  Dad, I want to play a game.  (On an iPhone.)

[Fat Girl]:  It's my turn.

[Fat Boy]:  Then, I get to play X-Box.  I want a cheeseburger.

And, for the record, how is it that everyone at the Social Security office has an iPhone?  Really.  How?  

After arriving at 9:30am, and taking a number (which, according to the board, was the next number to be called), The Lifeguard watched no fewer than ten people waltz up to the only staffed window in the place.  (The Lifeguard must have arrived at public sector union break time, because he could see three other people toiling away at Soduku, the crossword, and examination of their horoscopes.)

Finally, The Lifeguard's number was called a mere 60 minutes later, and his paperwork was processed quickly, efficiently, and without an intelligible word of English being spoken by the clerk.

There can only be one solution to this nightmare, and The Lifeguard has it.

He just has to sober up from the post-SSA bender.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Lifeguard's got game.

The Lifeguard Plans To Take The Cinnamon Challenge...
It involves eating Cinnamon

The Lifeguard is eschewing the water and the 60 second time limit, however.

Here is a picture of Cinnamon.

The Lifeguard is not a racist.

In the wake of an awful political advertisement saying that he's got the back of the black community, Obamapologist Angela Rye upped the ante in the politics of race by coming out with the absolutely absurd statement that Obama's difficulties in office come because he is black.  (Aside from the fact that the commercial and the statements are just plain idiotic, a white person could never run that ad, or make that statement, without being called the worst sort of names.)

Angela Rye, the executive director of the Congressional Black Caucus made this bugfuck crazy statement on C-SPAN's Q&A, on June 10th, 2012.  (To her defence, she made the statement on C-SPAN's Q&A, so we know that absolutely no one heard it.)  She went on to add that when critics of President Barack Hussein Obama (who remains a devoutly non-Muslim American) call him "cool", they are expressing racist sentiments.


Just when The Lifeguard thought that he might be a racist, Angela Rye comes along and makes one of the most insane comments ever.  Ever.

And, for the record, The Lifeguard never thought of President Obama as cool.


Wednesday, June 13, 2012


Another installment of the most anticipated political and social commentary in the world.  The world.

  • President Barack Hussein Obama (who, like Auntie Zeituni, is a Kenyan living in public housing) gave his "steak dinner" speech.  What a douche.
  • The Global Attitudes Project did a survey on world opinion of President Obama, and found that the world has "cooled" on the president.  (At least something he's done has involved "cooling."  That should take care of the level of the oceans, too.)
  • The Oklahoma City Thunder beat the Miami Heat to go up 1-0 in the NBA Championships.  Does anyone care?  Could there be two more uninteresting teams in the NBA?  (Actually, there are 30 uninteresting teams in the NBA.)
  • Alex Rodriguez tied Lou Gehrig for the most grand slams in MLB history.  His 23d grand slam gave him 639 home runs, bringing him within 21 taters of Willie Mays.  He is 5th on the all-time home run list.
  • Russia and Poland drew 1-1 in the Euro 2012 Championship (in Warsaw), following a second half goal by the Polish captain, Jakub Blaszczykowski.  All things considered, this was a far better outcome than the last time Poland and Russia met up in Poland.
  • Game 1 of the NBA finals involved teams scoring 197 more points than the Russia v. Poland match.  That still wasn't enough to keep The Lifeguard's attention.
  • Attorney General Eric Holder refuses to pony up "Fast and Furious" documents, and has clearly been lying to Congress.  And yet, few have the balls to call for his resignation.  The government is trying to send Roger Clemens to jail for lying to Congress, and AG Holder gets a pass.
That's all for now.  The Lifeguard has to get to taikonaut training.

Today, we're practicing re-entries.


The Real Mile High Club

The Lifeguard, upon learning that China is going to start sending its unwanted females into space, has taken the first step in fulfilling his dream of joining the 200 Mile High Club.

The Lifeguard had the physical, took the test, and has been accepted into the Chinese space program.  That's right, The Lifeguard is going to be a "taikonaut."

The Lifeguard will be meeting up with the two women selected for taikonaut training next week, where there will be launch and re-entry practice.  A lot of practice.

You may feel free to call The Lifeguard by his new Chinese name:  Wang Dong.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

A modest proposal.

China's Alternative To Forced Abortions

Either Captain Wang Yaping (l) or Major Liu Yang (r) will go into space on the Shenzhou-9 spacecraft.  (Shenzhou-1 through 8 were, apparently, colossal failures, hence the fact that this one is called "Shenzhou-9.")

If this works out, China will no longer have to encourage families to put their daughters up for adoption, or to force abortions or sterilizations.  Instead, China can just send those unwanted girls into space.

Thursday, June 07, 2012

(Safe) Sex and the City.

Sex and the City Star Sarah Jessica Parker Speaks
"Anna Wintour (editor of Vogue) and I are so excited to be hosting a dinner party for the president," said Parker.

Parker brayed, "I just can't believe that I'll get a chance to do this for President Obama (who remains, quite furiously, not a Kenyan-born Muslim) the same week that I get a shot at the elusive Triple Crown."

Said the actress, "My love of running goes hand in hand with the First Lady's commitment to physical fitness."

Unfortunately, the TV star had to cut her interview with The Lifeguard short.  It seems that she was...a little hoarse.

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Reminds The Lifeguard of a joke.

Take Back The Land!
Massachusetts Democrat Senate candidate, Elizabeth Warren (a/k/a Fauxcahontas), mother of the Occupy Movement, teacher of one class at Harvard Law School, and the first woman to ever breast-feed during the New Jersey Bar Exam gets caught in one more embarrassing situation.  (Well, embarrassing if she had any shame.)

It seems that years after the white man took Warren's ancestor's tribal lands, the dsitaff Ward Churchill got even by buying and flipping foreclosed properties, often for a significant profit.  And, she who has railed against the excessive power and predatory lending practices of big banks, got the advantage of no-interest loans (from Harvard) and gave loans (at higher rates of interest) to her family members.

So, Elizabeth Warren and Alan Dershowitz walk into Foxwoods, and they are immediately surrounded by hundreds of angry braves, armed with tomahawks, rifles, and knives.

Dershowitz turns to Warren and says, "I think we're in trouble, Elizabeth."

She replies, "What you mean 'we', white man?"

Can't Get Enough!

Rachel Maddow Discusses
The Lifeguard
And, since a picture is worth a thousand words, this is all the information you need.

[Ed. Note:  For those readers in the Islamic Republic of Iran, The Lifeguard promises to find more pictures of hot lesbians for your viewing pleasure.  After all, if you're going to go to some Iranian prison for looking at girls, you should get something better than Maddow.]

Isn't it ironic?

Irony Redux
At the Massachusetts State Democrat Convention, delegates were required to show a photo ID to enter the building; but, Democrats oppose any legislation that requires a photo ID to vote.

It's sort of like rain, on your wedding day.

A free ride, when you've already paid.

Monday, June 04, 2012

Speak softly...

And Carry A Big...Um...Stick.
The last two Democrat presidents take a minute to answer questions about The Lifeguard.

(They were hoping for questions about the economy, but that didn't quite work out for them.)

Friday, June 01, 2012


How Else Can The Lifeguard Get Your Attention?
Well, with awesome commentary on the news of the world, of course.  (The pictures that appeal to the prurient interest don't hurt, either.)

  • Yesterday, it was reported that President Barack Hussein Obama (who is not a Kenyan-born Muslim) flies his barber in from Chicago.  Twice a month.  I guess he couldn't find a barber who can cut "black hair" in Washington, D.C.  Thank Christ he's not delaying flights at the airport to get a haircut.  
  • Another day, another failed Green Energy company.  First Solar (FSLR) dropped 6.3% on May 31, 2012, bringing losses for the month to a cool 40%.  Thank Christ they only got about $3 billion in loan guarantees.
  • John Edwards, the disgraced former North Carolina senator (and one-time vice presidential candidate) was acquitted on one count and got a hung jury on the other counts of campaign finance violations.  The judge declared a mistrial, and the government will decline a second attempt to convict.  If only Roger Clemens were as likable as John Edwards.  Wait!  They are both assholes.  Okay, so if Roger Clemens had only been the vice presidential candidate.  Or, had a father who was a mill worker.  Or, a wife who died of cancer.  No, all he did was win SEVEN CY YOUNG AWARDS.
  • The Lifeguard thinks that the government should have given The Rocket a pass after the first mistrial.  (As it seems they are going to do with John Edwards.)
  • Watching Fox News, whose chiron refers to the Scripps National Spelling Bee as the "Scripts National Spelling Bee."  Seriously?
  • Florida officials are chastised (and threatened by the DoJ) for purging voter rolls of illegal voters.  What?  Since when is protecting the currency of American citizenship against the law?  (Rhetorical question, don't answer.)  Aw, hell, The Lifeguard will go ahead and answer it anyway.  "When we elected a Kenyan-born president."
  • Apparently, it's okay to say anything to get invited to a luncheon.  (Or, get elected to the presidency.)
  • One of the iconic characters in the DC Comics stable, Green Lantern, is coming out of the closet.  Could this be a result of Joe Biden saying that he liked Green Lantern?  Because Ryan Reynolds was the star of Green Lantern?  Or, because Jim Parsons (who plays Sheldon Cooper, B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D.) loves Green Lantern?
  • Does this have anything to do with Justice League's recent abolition of Don't Ask Don't Tell?  Or, the granting of the right of Same Sex Marriage to Justice League members?
  • Is the above picture actually Diana Prince with her lover?
  • Can you believe that The Lifeguard devoted four bullets to this subject?
  • The Lifeguard recently overheard someone saying that they were going to commit "Ghetto Suicide."  When The Lifeguard asked what that was, he said, "That's when I run into the projects shouting racial epitaphs."
  • A middle school band director, who had been named "teacher of the year" was arrested for "sexting" with a 15 year old student.  The Lifeguard notes that the sex of the student is mentioned in paragraph three of the article.  (Because, in the first paragraph, they tell you he is the band director.)  He has been placed on administrative leave.  
It's Friday, people.  

The Lifeguard wishes you all a great weekend.

Now, where is Diana Prince's effin' telephone number?


"Me Told Heap Big Lie"

"Not so me get hired.  So me meet people," said Warren.

"Also, Lifeguard has heap big manhood.  We use schwanz to support buffalo hides for shelter at pow wow," commented the professor.  "Him this big."