Sunday, October 28, 2012

It's gonna be wet, and there'll be a lot of blowing...

The Lifeguard Has Been Getting Ready For Sandy...

And, because she is coming, he is planning on spending the next forty-eight hours in the bunker, consuming spectacular quantities of food and drink, and waiting for her departure.  

Coincidentally, the hurricane is also called "Sandy."

Monday, October 22, 2012


"Don't You Want Me?"
The Lifeguard was recently in Reno, and he ran into Sandra Fluke (and ten whole Obama supporters).  She made The Lifeguard an offer, noting that with ObamaCare, she had contraception and time on her hands.  The Lifeguard, however, had shit to do, so he declined.

That is why you cats get a pre-debate Speedos!

  • President Obama, who remains fiercely committed to not being a Kenyan-born Muslim, raked in a trifecta of endorsements from some of the biggest freight in the world.  Hugo Chavez, Raul Castro, and Vladimir Putin gave high praise to the Preezy of the Heezy, noting that not even Jimmy Carter got this much help prior to the 1980 election.
  • Will Hugo Chavez be President Obama's honoured guest at tonight's debate, at Lynn University?  The world waits.
  • Lance Armstrong now has as many Tour de France titles as The Lifeguard.  Still, The Lifeguard can't help but be a little saddened by the witch-hunt that led to the UCI stripping him of those victories.  (And, had Armstrong decided to duke it out with USADA, and he had won, there would still be a cloud hanging over him.  Just ask Roger Clemens.)
  • Do any of the undecided voters care about foreign policy?  Probably not.  The Lifeguard suggests that this is the reason that tonight's debate is the last debate.
  • In the penultimate debate, Governor Romney got the president on record as having fumbled the ball on the Benghazi fiasco.  So, he could spike it when bin Laden was killed; but, he couldn't hold onto it on this possession.  Another reason that the president is the J. Bruce Ismay of this administration.
  • The Lifeguard thinks that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton might have the biggest balls of anyone in this feckless administration.
  • Justice Elena Kagan claims that she would not have been Obama's nominee to the Supreme Court if she had not been a woman.  Hmm.  That answers the question about her sex.  (The Lifeguard was, frankly, unsure.)  It also demonstrates that when race, sex, or national origin are used as factors in determining a nominee, the likelihood of other, better-qualified people being overlooked increases.
  • Thousands of women called Planned Parenthood to schedule mammograms.  The Lifeguard wants to offer his services to conduct breast exams, in the event that Planned Parenthood is backlogged.  (You must be between the ages of 18 and 28, be fit, and have at least three hours for the screening.)
  • FLOTUS Michelle Obama advised people to vote early because their "...toilet[s] may be overflowing on election day."  Doesn't that presume that Obama voters have toilets?
All right, y'all.  The Lifeguard has to get ready for tonight.  Watch this space for an in-depth analysis of the Battle in Boca.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

It took The Lifeguard a few minutes...

The Lifeguard's View On Thursday
The Lifeguard was driving to Boston, and was shocked to see so damn many Mazda Miatas.

Then, he realised that it was October 11th.

Then, it all made sense.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Yeah baby!

Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport
Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, speaking at Let's Move Australia Forward Fest, said that "...if The Lifeguard were this big, she'd show him around down under."

And, she'd show him Australia, too.

Which reminds The Lifeguard of a joke.

Q:  What do Australia and a 90 year old woman have in common?

A:  Everybody knows it's down under, but nobody cares.

Wednesday, October 03, 2012


The Lifeguard is here, with much-anticipated commentary on the much-anticipated Presidential Debate.  (By “here,” The Lifeguard means “here” on the Lifeguard Stand.

  • Six 15-minute segments.  One segment for every beer in a six-pack.
  • Who dressed President Obama?  Why in the name of all that is holy did Barack Hussein Obama, who remains firmly committed to being not a Muslim, wear a blue tie and a blue suit against a blue background?
  • Governor Romney has magnificent hair, a reasonable tie, and a firm handle on the facts.  His hands are moving too much, however.  The Lifeguard feels like he is watching a WASP channeling a Sicilian olive grower.
  • Governor Romney, in the first segment, is on fire.  (He still seems very uncomfortable in his own skin, but he is on fire.)
  • President Obama has the solution to the troubles in America:  Re-elect Bill Clinton.
  • Governor Romney has talked about all manner of tax increases, tax rates, and tax revenues.  Why, however, is Romney not talking about the tax increases that spin off the Affordable Care Act?
  • Jim Lehrer looks like he needs a death panel. 
  • Jim Lehrer aghast that Governor Romney wants to cut funding to PBS, if he is elected to the presidency.  His eyes got mighty wide.
  • BHO, talking about why it wasn’t his fault that there is a $16 trillion deficit, mentions “aircrafts” that Congress got, but that the military didn’t want.  That’s like saying that you’re worried about the Viet Congs.
  • If BHO is so worried about tax policy, then why doesn’t he push for a reduction in the corporate taxation rate to something a little more reasonable, like 20%.  After all, Ronald Reagan was right when he said, “Corporations don’t pay taxes.”
  • Romney beats the shit out of BHO on the issue of so-called Green Energy jobs.  (You know, the jobs that he created at Solyndra.)
  • This is like watching a boxing match, where the aging heavyweight gets schooled by the young challenger.  Sort of like watching Rocky, where everyone is wearing a suit.
  • This is so boring.
  • According to President Obama, private insurance needs to, “…make a profit.”  Finally, he mentions the need for private companies to “make a profit.”
  • Repeal Dodd-Frank!
  • Romney, on RomneyCare.  He’s got a better grasp on things than Obama does on ObamaCare.
  • The Lifeguard fell asleep for about 30 minutes.  Thank you, Tito.
  • The Lifeguard is surprised that the Secret Service didn’t tackle Governor Romney, because he was killing the president.
  • This was like watching Rocky Balboa beat the shit out of Clubber Lang in Rocky III.
  • MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow seems to give Romney the win.  A sign of the apocalypse?
  • Why don’t people understand that keeping the status quo, vis a vis the Bush Tax Cuts, is not a tax increase?  And we let these people vote?  Fuckwits.
  • If the Presidential Debate Commission wanted someone from PBS to moderate tonight, they should have gotten Big Bird.

That’s all for now, kids.