Sunday, March 21, 2010


The Lifeguard Was Watching Television
He tuned into American Beaver, but it wasn't what he was expecting.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


I'm Pretty Sure...
that there didn't need to be eight ways to ask The Lifeguard if he was, in some form, Hispanic.

The Lifeguard was responding to the decennial census, as mandated by the United States Constitution (Article 1, Section 2), and nearly shit when faced with the following questions:

[The Lifeguard paraphrases...]

"Are you Hispanic?"


"Puerto Rican?"


"Some other Hispanic? (e.g., Argentinian, Chilean, Salvadoran, Costa Rican, et al.)"

"Are you white?"

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

Why in the crikey fuck do we need to know precisely how many Argentinians, Koreans, Hmongs, or Guamians are in the country? [Rhetorical question.]

If we were asking in order to pre-plan the return airline tickets back to these countries, The Lifeguard might feel better about the extreme specificity; but, The Lifeguard knows that this is merely a means by which the government largess is divvied up amongst the raft(load) of minorities living in this country.

Maybe if the Census Bureau got back to taking a head count, there would be fewer problems, fewer dollars spent, and fewer race-based government programs.

Yeah, like that'll ever happen.


I Suppose ObamaCare Will Pay For This, Too...
The Lifeguard is not averse to people with a need having access--even free access--to such contraptions. After all, if there is something that can help the individual who is paralysed get outside and live a more fulfilling life, then sign me up for that.

The Tank Chair, for instance, is one of those devices that would never have been invented anywhere but America. It's big, it's ungainly, and it's probably pretty fucking expensive. It can also allow the paraplegic hunter the means to get back to nature.

The Lifeguard's irritation, however, begins when people who are too fat to walk demand that Medicare (or Medicaid) pay for their power chair. (These things are pretty expensive, too. Prices for some start at $1,300.00. A pair of Nikes would be a hell of a lot cheaper.) Really, if you maybe took a walk once and a while, you wouldn't need to plop your 250 kilo ass into one of these rides for a trip around the mall.

Knees hurt? Then drop 20 kilos and stop complaining. Can't see Mr. Winky? Well, there's probably no cure for that, since penis implants are not yet reliable. Want to buy some groceries? Take a stroll to the bakery. Unless, of course, you are Donna Simpson, the 250 kilo Beast from the East.

This woman is on a quest to become the fattest woman in the world, which will require her to consume 12,000 calories a day, while minimising her physical activity. And, The Lifeguard will have to pay for her care and feeding. (The Lifeguard is pretty sure that he has already paid, in part, for her power chair.)

We'll all pay, unless, of course, there are enough sickos in the world to cough up a few bucks to watch Ms. Simpson eat. (There is already at least one site, where the viewer can pay to watch BBW Mandy Blake stuff her face.) Frankly, if one wishes to see this sort of train wreck, all one need do is peer through the window at the local Curves; or, hang out at the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.

Speaking of which, it's time to run down to China Dragon.

Noon is feeding time.