Sunday, December 31, 2006

2006 Winner Soon To Be Announced!

Hammer of Doom
2006 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(August 2006, Brazil) August brings us a winner from Brazil, who tried to disassemble a Rocket Propelled Grenade (RPG) by driving back and forth over it with a car. This technique was ineffective, so he escalated to pounding the RPG with a sledgehammer. The second try worked--in a sense. The explosion proved fatal to one man, six cars, and the repair shop wherein the efforts took place.

14 more RPG grenades were found in a car parked nearby. Police believe the ammunition was being scavenged to sell as scrap metal. If it wasn't scrap then, it certainly is now!

[For those of you who are not so bright, the Darwin Award is awarded to the person (or people) who remove themselves from the gene pool (before reproducing) in the most spectacular method.]

Saturday, December 30, 2006

US 1 UN 0
At 0610 Iraqi Standard Time, Saddam Hussein went to the gallows, bringing to a close his fifteen minutes of murderous fame. As expected, no one was happy that this madman had been hanged for crimes against humanity, for rape and torture rooms, for genocide, for bribing the United Nations.

Kurds were angry that he was not executed for what he did to them. Iranians were angry that he was not executed for what he did to them. The Muslim Street is angry that he was executed at Eid ("You can't spell 'die' without 'EID'.") The Vatican was angry that he was executed at all. Senators Ted Kennedy (D-Shitwad) and Joe Biden (D-Fuckwit) will probably be angry that President Bush wasn't hanged with him. People were actually making statements to the effect that it was a tragedy that he did not stand trial for the crimes against their families.

Give me a break. He is dead, and there is a pretty good chance that he will never commit another crime against humanity. Ever.
If it makes the world happy, we can embalm him (like they did with Lenin) and try him again (and again). We can hang him a few more times, too. That way, everyone gets their pound of flesh.

Saddam was tried in an Iraqi Court of Law, with Iraqi judges, Iraqi lawyers. He was convicted, appealed, and was executed, the way that justice should be meted out for a war criminal. Indeed, the ICJ, who spent years (and millions of Euros) trying Dan Milocevic, could learn a valuable lesson from this trial, as could some of the idiot judges (at all levels) in the United States.

If you are still feeling bad for Saddam, then look at it this way: He was a lawyer (Baghdad U, Class of '71), so now there is one fewer in the world; or, you can take solace in the fact that he is, as we speak, cuddling up with the first of the 72 Virginians that are his in Paradise. In other words, the world is a better place since we are down a lawyer (and a war criminal), and Saddam is getting the Mother of All Conjugal Visits.

Allah Akhbar!

Friday, December 29, 2006

Thank You For Choosing Delta...

I had the pleasure of traveling right after Christmas, and as I expected, the flights were displays of diversity. And when I say this, I do not mean racial diversity, I mean sartorial diversity.

From the aging black man wearing blue jean shorts and a Guayabera shirt, in the colours of the Jamaican flag, no less (with the word "Jamaica " emblazoned across his ample midriff), to the identical-looking lesbian couple in their matching outfits (and fanny pouches), to the 12 year-old wiggers with their backwards-pointing baseball caps and blue jeans-with-waistband-around-the-knees look, to the slutty-looking blond with belly shirt and whale-tail, all walks of life were represented.

But, I digress.

I settled into my seat, ready for an uneventful flight. I turned on my iPod, ignoring flight attendant exhortations that "...all electronic devices must be in the off position." (What, by the way, the fuck is the "off position"?) I closed my eyes as the slender aluminum tube roared down the runway, gaining altitude, and shaking the bonds of earth. Dozing, peacefully, until...the bug bit me.

I rushed to the lavatory, a 4'x4' enclosure, with about 69" of headroom (convenient, since I am 70" tall), and quickly fastened the door. I was in a race against the I sat, and (literally) exploded. Relief came quickly, then the sickness returned, and I was forced to spend the next fifteen (embarrassing) minutes pondering my fate, my health, the world.

As I sat, clutching my legs, trying to keep my clothing from touching the lavatory floor, and to keep my knees from banging on the door, I looked around.

No air freshener (to the detriment of the other passengers), and if I light a match, I face arrest and explosion (from the concentration of gas). I open the vent, allowing fresh air to pour into the coffin-like enclosure.

The flight attendant call button. What the hell is that for? Who would push that button? There is, frankly, no occurrence that would necessitate pushing that button. Even if my arse were glued to the toilet by suction, I would not push that button, for fear of eternal scorn and ridicule.

Matt Lauer: "Later, on Today, a conversation with Ms. Dorothy Dean, a Delta flight attendant who actually answered the call of a passenger who pushed the call button in the lavatory...and the pictures that she took with her cell phone. Today, on Today."

The paper covers for the seat behind me. Somehow, I know that any disease that can survive on an airplane toilet seat can conquer a flimsy piece of paper without batting an eye.

Sanitary napkin disposal. Believe me, they are not sanitary. At least not when a passenger is finished with it.

Then, as the next wave passes over me, and I give a courtesy flush, I hear the gong, urging me back to my seat because of some turbulence. I wonder why there isn't a seat belt on the toilet. Instead, I wind some toilet paper around my legs in hopes that the thin paper will keep me from being bounced around.

As I feel the toilet paper, I now know where the remnants of 60 years of Communist Bloc toilet roll production has gone. Fortunately, there are two rolls of the coarse (but ridiculously thin) paper at my disposal.

And, as the plane descends toward the airport (and I into Hell), I thank the good Lord that no one knows my name, knows who I am.

Alone, and anonymous in my illness, I complete my task and return to my seat, thinking about the delightful fact that when next the urge strikes, I will be in the terminal.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

2,974 to 2,973

It was with great joy that the newsreader announced that more soldiers have died in Iraq than in the 9/11 attacks. How terrible that 2,974 servicemen and women have died in Iraq.

Except for the fact that they volunteered to stand on the front lines, to battle against tyranny and Islamic Fascists, to protect and defend the weak, and to bring freedom to a long-oppressed people. They died over the course of years rather than minutes; and, one could imagine that given the free rein to use the tools at their disposal, there would be fewer dead Americans and far more dead Al-Quaida.

Fewer soldiers have died than in Iraq than in the entire Korean War (which was fought to a stalemate, with fewer members of the coalition than in Iraq), or all of Viet Nam.

Oh, and last I checked, there haven't been any more terror attacks on US soil, so if that is the price that must be paid to defend the homeland, then it is a fair price.

The American fighting man and woman are the best in the world; but, their success on the battlefield is often moderated (or stifled) by general officers trying to keep their heads down (to ensure promotion or a post-military career in the defence industry) and ignorant politicians who are unwilling to define the objective (killing all of the bad guys) for fear of offending some group or class of people (gay Muslim polygamists, for instance).

War is not fought democratically. Rather, the soldiers are given the means to achieve victory, and an objective, and told to have at it. Sometimes the tools seem inadequate (the failure to provide adequate numbers of up-armoured HUMVEEs, for instance), but the GI is a tough and industrious soul. They figure out the solution, and move on, while the civilian world is still hemming and hawing about a problem already solved. (I note as an aside that there were no such complaints, or hearings, about the WWII Sherman Tank, which was something of a deathtrap compared to the superior German Panzers. The GIs figured out a way to win, when given the objective.)

In any event, it is sad that we have lost even one soldier, sailor, airman, or Marine fighting these savages; but, all things being equal, the price paid is worth the result.

Thank you to all of the American men and women under arms. God bless you.

James Brown, RIP

The hardest working man in show business, the Godfather of Soul, died on Christmas Day at the age of 73.

The man, and his showmanship, will be missed. His music will live on forever.

I remember seeing James Brown, in London, in 1986. What an amazing show, and a great opportunity to see, first-hand, what all of the fuss was about.

His hit in 1986, "Living In America," was everywhere, and the crowd went wild when he jumped into the tune, with both feet. He moved, danced, and performed with more energy than most 20 year-olds can muster, and the show left me wanting for nothing. Nothing but more James Brown, that is.

In fact, one of my favourite scenes in Rocky IV is when James Brown performs before the Drago versus Creed fight. (Watch this scene for a taste of what the Godfather was laying down.)

And while some might say that he sold out with this hit, it was indicative of James Brown, the man. He even took a shot at Eddie Murphy (who had a recurring SNL skit called "James Brown's Celebrity Hot Tub").

So long, James Brown. I am honoured to say that I got to see you perform. Rest in Peace.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

No One Reads It Better Than Linus Van Pelt

Luke 2:8-14 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
[NIV at IBS] [International Bible Society] [NIV at Zondervan] [Zondervan]

The Shepherds and the Angels

8And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ[a] the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

13Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 14"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Mahmoud Ahmyginisbad Said To Be Pissed At UN Sanctions Because Iran's Nuclear Programme Is Peaceful

In a rare show of courage, the United Nations imposed sanctions in Iran. Now let's see, why did they do it?

Was it the fact that the Iranian President is bugfuck crazy? Was it because Iran's goal is to wipe Israel from the map? Was it because Iran funds terrorists?

No, it was because Chinese Ambassador Wang Guangya and Russian Ambassador Vitaly Churkin decided to stand with the United States because they are waking to the fact that you can not deal with terrorists by appeasement.

Ambassador Wang said that the sanctions were a stick to get Iran back to the negotiating table.

Ambassador Wang. I wonder if there is an Ambassador Dong or an Ambassador Johnson.
Sticks And Stones Will Break My Bones...

but your silly names will never hurt me.

That is what my mommy told me when I was 6. I was teased mercilessly because my ears were, well, large. So large, in fact, that I still get annoyed when the movie, Dumbo is on television. Apoplectic, even. Now, I realise that she was right. Words and name-calling are not a reflection of me; but, rather, a reflection on the person who says them. Of course, with my experiences as a large-eared youth, I am at least as tough (and ready for the presidency) as Illinois Senator Barack Hussein Obama. (Or, as Ted Kennedy (D-MA) calls him, "Osama Obama.")

But I digress. I had a client who was in the middle of a horrendous divorce. His (not soon enough to be ex-) wife was a miserable shrew, and her lawyer was equally bitter. We never had pleasant words, and the incivility oozed out of my adversary any time we were in the same room.

In the midst of her endless motions (designed to torture my client and make him spend his money), I hit upon a solution to the problem: I filed an Emergency Motion to Act Nice, which was duly set for hearing.

Female Lawyer to Judge: "Your Honour, this motion is frivolous, and my client expects nothing less than attorney fees and costs for coming in here to oppose the motion."

Judge to Me: "Counsel, what have you to say about this?"

Me: "Why does she want to oppose a motion requiring her client to be nice? Why do you want to hear from me? Just allow the motion, and then maybe wife and husband can have some further motivation to act civil towards each other. Especially in front of their children."

Judge to Me: "Why do I need to get involved?"

Me: "Oh, I don't know, maybe because you might be able to get through wife's head that she shouldn't call my client an 'idiot' and 'moron' in front of their kids. I mean, there should be some limitation on what is said in front of little children."

Female Lawyer: "Oh, tell your client to stop being a baby. Sticks and stones."

Judge to Me: "I believe that she has a point. I am denying your motion..."

Me: "Okay, your Honour. Let me just get this straight. It is okay for her to call my client 'idiot' and 'moron' in front of their children because they are just words?"

Judge to Me: "Correct, counselor."

Me: "Okay, then I would like the record to reflect that since 'idiot' and 'moron' are acceptable because they are just words, in the future, my client may refer to his wife as a 'no-good, motherfucking, douchebag cunt.' After all, they are just words. And in the future, you will be known as 'fuckwit' and sister counsel as 'shitwad' or 'worthless snatch.'"

Judge to Me: "I am holding you in contempt of this Court."

Me: "I have no contempt for the Court, I have contempt for you."

[*I am actually just kidding about all of this. The Motion to Be Nice was allowed. The parties still fought, and wife's lawyer was an even bigger bitch after the motion hearing. It is just funnier this way.]

Words. Ya gotta love 'em.
“Sir, this is Patton talking … You have just got to make up Your mind whose side You’re on. You must come to my assistance, so that I may dispatch the entire German Army as a birthday present to your Prince of Peace …” — Prayer of Gen. George S. Patton, Dec. 23, 1944

If this prayer were said, 62 years to the day later, the nattering nabobs of the news would be screaming for his removal by the Commander in Chief (who, last I checked, is still President George W. Bush). CAIR (Council of Angry Islamic Retards) would be lecturing us about the angry tone of the general. Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-Kappy's Liquors) the mistreatment of the enemy. Former President Jimmy Carter would be unavailable for comment because he was too busy working for the destruction of the nation of Israel.

The bottom line: Christians generally don't want to kill people who disagree with us. Muslims practice that as part of their faith. Hell, they get Virginians in Paradise if they die killing the infidel. So, on this Christmas Eve Eve, let us all pray that God decides which side He is on, and soon, so that the world can once more be at peace.

Oh, and Merry Christmas...again.

Thanks to A&E (and a slow day working from home), I have been able to watch CSI: Miami all damn day.

David Caruso is tough to take, my friend.

But, Emily Procter....

A hot babe with a Glock.

I love this show.

Friday, December 22, 2006

The Only People To Get Screwed Are The Voters Of Durham County...

because it doesn't appear that his stripper/victim in the famed Duke Lacrosse case did.

Well, she did get screwed (by about seven different men, judging by the DNA test results). Unfortunately for Nifong, none of the screwers played lacrosse at Duke University (although each of the seven contributors to the victim's personal sperm bank had sticks and balls). Additionally, his victim changed her story more frequently than Rosie O'Donnell makes stupid and insulting comments.

Nifong said that he didn't have enough evidence to proceed with his rape case, and that he would be dropping the rape charges since the victim was no longer sure whether or not she had been "penetrated" by the Duke students. (And O.J. is no longer sure whether he will ever find Nicole's killers.)

This highlights several problems with rape prosecutions. First, a rape case (especially with a racial tone) gets quickly out of control, with the media driving the case. It is compelling press when a poor black woman is raped by three rich (read white) kids. When they play lacrosse for Duke, the case becomes even more compelling. The black voters of Durham County (and all of the other Townies) were screaming for blood; and, Nifong knew that if he didn't prosecute (in spite of a crappy case with a victim who was not credible and exculpatory DNA evidence) he would lose the best gig that he has ever had.

Clearly, Nifong is a shrewd guy, and he might even be a good lawyer, but he started thinking with his political dick. He didn't want to go back to the dreaded private sector, and re-election was just the ticket. He bowed to the pressure, got re-elected, and now is going to have to reap what he has sowed...until the next election, when he can go to the fuckwitted constituents of Durham County (most of whom probably think that Ted Kennedy (D-Grey Goose) is a great public servant) and say that he didn't knuckle under to those rich and privileged Dukies (all of whom were majoring in smart-ass until this shitwad turned their lives upside down). In other words, as North Carolina becomes more North than Carolina, the chance that Nifong will keep getting re-elected increases exponentially. Hell, if he follow's the Commonwealth of Massachusetts Model, he might end up as Attorney General.

The second problem with rape prosecutions is the victim's background. In reality, it shouldn't matter whether the victim was a tramp; but, this woman clearly tried to play on the sympathies of the black community--and the rest of the Townies--by taking those white boys down a peg. She made up a story, figuring that they would get scared and cut a deal. Instead, they fought back, and she was forced to change her story to fit the ever-more-damning flow of information that was making it plain to the world that she was...less than virtuous. Unfortunately for the world, Nifong was all to willing to play along.

Rape is one of those cases where the woman controls the tenor of the prosecution. She is protected, and since rape is a largely he said/she said crime, the woman need only make the allegation, and there is more likely than not to be criminal prosecution (which can be costly and damaging). Additionally, since the victim's actions are no longer an issue, the fact that the woman wanted one thing, then had buyer's remorse (for instance) is irrelevant (generally speaking) at a trial.

Rape is an awful thing, but in this case, the rape was what Nifong did to the students, the University, and to rape victims in general. In other words, Mike Nifong has made it more difficult for the next victim, who will be scrutinised, questioned, and made to feel like maybe she should have kept quiet (since her sexual history will be openly discussed).

So, now it is nearly over. The government will lose, the stripper is still a tramp (but now, instead of a rape victim, she is a liar and a slut), Duke is seeing 20% fewer applications for early decision, and three young men will be forever scarred by the allegations.

Thank Christ that Nifong finally saw the light.

Wishing Y'all The Cool Side Of Yuletide!

No one ever accused me of Political Correctness.

However, I wanted to personally wish every one of you a very happy and joyous Christmas and a healthy and prosperous New Year.

And so, as I settle down to a long winter's nap, I will be dreaming of a world where peace and love are the rule, not the exception.

Peace, y'all

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The Most Humble Dictator In History
My father always said that he had less of a problem with Libyan dictator, Muammar al-Gaddafi than others because, in spite of his immense power, he never promoted himself to General. He has, and always will be, Colonel G (or K, or Q, depending upon the day of the week and the newspaper you read).
Ever since that fateful day that former President Ronald Reagan ruined the good Colonel's night with a few well-placed bombs, Gaddafi has been slowly moving back into the good graces of the Western World. With his statements renouncing Libya's nascent A-Bomb programme, he ensured that Libya might actually move into the 21st century.
And then, this....
Four Bulgarian nurses and a Palestinian doctor are charged with intentionally infecting some 426 children with AIDS. They say that AIDS was present in the hospital before their arrival, and therefore, they should be excused from punishment.
That begs the question, however, that if AIDS was present, then why did the nurses and doctors act carelessly, allowing the virus to be spread? In other words, did the actions (reusing instruments, poor sanitation, and transfusions with tainted blood) of the health care workers promote the spread of the disease? If so, then it is entirely reasonable that these individuals be charged with a crime.
If this happened in America, the trial lawyers would have a field day, and they would be seeking a hell of a lot more than the 10 million euros demanded as compensation for each of the affected families.
Put another way, former Senator John Edwards would be drooling, itching to get to the jury, to channel the little children who have been infected, and who can not speak for themselves. Gloria Allred would be looking for links to the inherent racism that lets children of African descent suffer with substandard medical treatment. Johnnie Cochran is still dead, but considering a return from the grave if he can get a piece of this action.
The bottom line: if the actions of these doctors contributed in the slightest to the spread of AIDS to over 400 children, and the trial was fairly conducted, in the light of day, and a jury found them guilty, then perhaps we should not meddle in Libya's affairs. After all, if they spoke up about our legal system, we would tell them, none to politely, to go and fuck themselves.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Interestingly Enough, The Typical Family Tree In Ellsworth, Maine Is A Wreath...

A group of illegals was arrested in Ellsworth, Maine. One produced a Mexican Driving Licence as identification. Three were detained, the rest were let go, and told to return for a hearing. Yeah, right. They'll come back. And I have a $16 billion public works project to sell you. Wait, we already did that.

How stupid is the ICE policy to let suspected illegals go pending a hearing on their status?

We would be much better off if we set up a detention facility--I am thinking something with tents and outdoor plumbing in the backwoods of Maine--where these criminals could be held pending their hearing. After about two weeks, in the dead of winter, Mexico will be looking pretty damn good.

If we are serious about controlling the borders, we must take drastic measures, including fining employers who hire illegals, using the existing database to ensure that social security numbers given by suspected illegals are legitimate (Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) says that this is illegal, and discriminatory), and actually deporting these miscreants.

Round them up, throw them out. Give them a hearing, if you must; but, from my perspective, if they came here illegally, they are criminals and should be treated as such.

I am sure that the money collected from fines could go toward airfare (or busfare) back to their homelands.

And this applies to the frostbacks that crossed the US/Canada border, too.

It has always amazed me that there is such disregard for this issue. Illegal immigrants depress wages for legal workers (and if the Federal Minimum Wage is raised, hiring illegal immigrants will become even more attractive to employers); they commit crimes in tremendous numbers (from driving unregistered and uninsured to rapes and murders); and, they place a burden on the US health care system by going to the emergency room for treatment, as well as the cost to society when they have an anchor baby--a child born here, who is, by default, an American citizen.

If they want to come to America, there is a process to follow, and they should do so. Once here, they should learn to speak English, assimilate into our culture, and be productive members of society. You know, work, pay taxes, drive registered and insured cars.

Otherwise, American citizenship will become worthless.

BBW Seeking Man For LTR And More...

Me: Single woman, height and weight proportional. I am curvy, and know what I want in a man. If you are looking for a FWB/F-Buddy, then you have come to the wrong place, buster. I like the relationship to age and develop, like a fine cheese, before I get into bed with someone. If you are the one I choose, then you won't be disappointed.

You: Must be at least 6 feet tall, because I like to wear heels when I go out at night. Must not weigh more than 178 pounds, and must work out constantly. I like my men to be in shape so that they can keep up with me in the bedroom. I am very sexual and giving, and I like to be on top. You must never have been married, be between the ages of 18 and 24, and be hung. No job, no kids, no baggage. I don't need it. Oh, and no picture, no response.

Height and weight proportional? Yeah, I guess five feet tall and five feet wide is proportional.

Really, how in the name of all that is holy does this happen? What makes a woman (or man) hate themselves so much as to do this to their body. And what about that poor folding chair? Oh, the humanity.

This person does not need a nasal spray to fight her obesity, she needs to stop eating, maybe go for a walk (someplace other than back and forth to the salad bar or the refrigerator). Oh, and food choices. Really, one must take in about 6,000 net calories a day to reach this point. It doesn't just happen. Wake up and eat, eat, eat. Walk to the toilet, then to the kitchen for a snack. Back to the living room to sit on the couch and relax before waddling to the K-Mart stretch pants that are sodden with doughnut sugar and milkshake dribble. Back to the couch, more snacks, then take a nap. Wake up, more snacks, then, it's 10:00am, time for more snacks.

At some point, it becomes too hard to get out of bed. The next thing you know, George Lucas is calling because he is casting for a Jabba the Hutt retrospective.

Here is a hint for you, shitwad: Lose weight, don't eat, maybe take a walk. You will feel better, and you just might find a man.

Fortunately, The Official Fruit Of The District Is Not The Marionberry

Marion Barry, the former mayor of the District of Columbia, was arrested by the Park Police for driving too slowly...oh, and having a suspended driving licence. He is threatening to sue because he was profiled (apparently, he fit the profile of people with suspended driving licences) and inconvenienced (he couldn't drive all last weekend, forcing him to rely on cabs to meet hookers and buy crack).

Barry claimed that he was driving so slowly because he was twisting up a fatty, and that this was another example of discrimination by the man. Actually, I don't know if he was twisting up a fatty, but it seems a reasonable explanation given his lengthy history as a drug user.

What the fuck does he care? No jury will convict him.


Monday, December 18, 2006


I am sure that someway, somehow, it is going to be the fault of President Bush.

Some $1 Billion to fight malaria and AIDS is at risk if the Senate Democrats freeze agency budgets in the coming year.

Now, I am no scientist, but I know three things:

First, more people in Africa die from mosquito-borne illnesses than from AIDS.

Second, there is a link between AIDS and malaria, which is undeniable.

Third, one of the most potent weapons in the fight against malaria--DDT-- is sidelined because of junk science and eco-crazies.

If we are truly serious about making the world a better place, we will provide the means to eradicate mosquitoes--and control malaria--in Africa. DDT will do nicely, thank you. The mere fact that the UN, among other bodies, frowns on the use of DDT to control mosquitoes, demonstrates the moral bankruptcy of this organisation. That Kofi Annan shakes his bony finger at the United States makes me ill. That he, and other African leaders, have raped their countries, stolen countless billions, and turned a blind eye to genocide and death is the true crime. [Ed. Note: I would have no problem if Joy Behar compared Robert Mugabe to Hitler.]

I would wager that a billion dollars worth of DDT will kill a buttload of mosquitoes, and do far more to help people in Africa than giving the billion to the UN, where it will go to strippers, fancy apartments, and hand-made clothes.
Words Of The Week

Fuckwit and shitwad.

These two words come from Carl Hiassen's exceptional Skinny Dip.

Just in time for Christmas, too.
Joy Behar Compares Donald Rumsfeld To Adolf Hitler

First of all, what kind of a fucking idiot is this Joy Behar? What an insensitive shitwad. First, her partner in crime, Rosie O'Donnell insults about one-fifth of the world's population, then this fuckwit compares former Secretary of Defence, Donald Rumsfeld, to good ol' Dolphie.

Sure, Rumsfeld may have approved of some harsh interrogation methods, like waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and forced listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers; but, last I checked, he had no near-term plans to initiate a genocide. He didn't take all of the property of Muslims in America, and there was no Kristallnacht in which the windows of mosques were shattered. He didn't set up any camps for our Muslim bretheren, either. Oh, and he didn't invade France.

I am assuming, based upon the same unscientific methods that led people to assume that David Eckstein was Jewish, that Joy Behar is a Member of the Tribe.

Which brings me to my second question: How can a Jew compare someone, who is a staunch defender of Israel, to Hitler? I am sure that Ms. Behar wants American troops out of Iraq, or negotiations with Iran, or help from Syria; and, I am pretty sure that she doesn't care that Israel doesn't really fit into the Muslim view of the Middle East. So, yeah, that makes sense. Abandon Iraq, abandon Israel.

Of course, there is some consolation: At least she didn't compare Rumsfeld to Jimmy Carter.

She/He/It Fails A Gender Test...

She is not a she, and maybe, not a he. Shanti Soundarajan, the winner of the silver medal in the women's 800 meters, has been stripped of her/his medal for failing a gender test.
A gender test.
What in the name of all that is holy is that? Really, one would think that all it takes is a glance at the equipment by people in the know. Perhaps a panel: Rosie O'Donnell, Bill Clinton, and Madonna; or, in this case, a gynecologist, endocrinologist, an internist and psychologist.
Apparently there was no wang; but, the hoo-ha did not pass muster, either. Shanti has too many Y chromosomes, hence the dispute.
In the words of Austin Danger Powers, "That's a man, baby."

Sunday, December 17, 2006

China's White-Fin Dolphin Is Driven To Extinction...

I didn't even know it was sick.

The Chinese scientist is Dr. Wang Ding. What more can I say?

Dr. Wang.
Now There Was A Man...

Red Auerbach took the World Champion Boston Celtics on a European Tour in the late 60s. The program was always the same for the Celtics. They would visit a country, do some sightseeing, hold a clinic on Friday, then play an exhibition on Saturday.

The Celtics went to Yugoslavia, and were told by the coach of the Yugoslavian National Team that they wanted to dispense with the clinic and play the game. Auerbach told his team that if they didn't crush the Yugoslavs, they would face a punishment worse than they could imagine, as well as the knowledge that they had let down the United States.

The Celtics beat the Yugoslavian team. Embarrassed them, even. After, the coach, along with a translator and Secretary of State, Dean Rusk met on the court. The humbled Yugoslav coach shook Auerbach's hand, and said, "So, can we have the clinic now?"

Auerbach torched the ubiquitous cigar, took a few puffs, and said, "You just got one."

Even on the Yugoslavians' home court, Auerbach knew that you needed to win decisively. It is the same on the battlefields. Anything less than total victory is a failure.

Which brings me to the comments of that pussy, Isaiah Thomas, coach of the horrible New York Knicks.

On December 16th, 2006, at Madison Square Garden, a battle erupted between the Knicks and the Nuggets. Ten players were ejected, and there will, doubtless, be fines and suspensions.

At some point during a break in the melee, Thomas said to one of the Nuggets players, "why are your starters still on the floor? Why are you trying to embarrass us?"

Maybe if you weren't such a complete fucking idiot, the Knicks would be a better team. Instead, they are a bunch of over-paid, under-talented cry babies.

Rather than worry about the Nuggets lacking class for continuing to kick the ass of his team, he should worry about why the New York Knicks have become the punchline for every joke about basketball; and, an exemplar of everything that is wrong with professional sports.

I can not imagine Red being so emasculated. Instead, Red would have taken the beating, then figured out how in the hell the Celtics would win the next meeting.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Vote Early, Vote Often...

Follow this link and vote for me in the Philosophy Blog War. By way of an update, my "Stacked and Packed" post has moved into a tie for first place with five short days remaining in the balloting.

Thank you all for your interest.

Oh, and Happy Channukah.

Raiders of the Lost Park

Several years ago, I was hiring a new lawyer to work in my office. I had a large number of potential candidates, and there was no way that I could narrow the field without personal interviews.

After two rounds, I was left with three similarly qualified candidates; a brunette, a red head, and a blonde. All three were called in for a final, deciding interview, which took place on a rainy Friday morning.

The brunette came in first, answered all of my questions thoroughly and completely. She was charming, and bright, and had been the editor of the law review at her law school. I wanted to hire her, but I wasn't sure. I asked her, finally, "how many Ds in Indiana Jones?"

"One," she said confidently.

The red head was next. Again, she was thoughtful and pleasant. She had worked full-time while she was in law school, and made up for grades slightly lower than the brunette by having a large family in need of legal services like wills and trusts. I wanted to hire her, but I just wasn't sure. I asked her, as she was leaving, "how many Ds in Indiana Jones?"

"One," she said authoritatively.

Finally, the blonde came in to talk to me. She was really energetic and excited about the prospect of working in a firm where she would have the opportunity to try a great number of cases. She was smart, pretty, and knew many people in the business community, so I was sure that she could become a real rainmaker. I wanted to hire her, but I just wasn't sure. As she was walking her out, I said, "how many Ds in Indiana Jones?"

She stopped, took me by the arm and walked me back to my desk. She told me to sit down while she figured it out. I was puzzled. A bit horrified. Five minutes later, after using an entire legal pad and my calculator, she said, definitively, "thirty six."

Now, I was grateful to be sitting. I said, "Whaaat? Thirty six? How in the name of all that is holy did you get thirty six?"

Smiling, she said, [humming the theme] "Dum da dum dum. Dum da dum. Dum da dum dum. Dum da dum. Da da da da da da. Dum da dum dum. Dum da dum. Dum da dum dum...."

Weapons of Ass Destruction
The city of Philidelphia maintains that sex between male inmates is illegal. However, the city of Philidelphia will distribute condoms to inmates who can not avoid having prison.
This means one of two things: There is a horrible problem with rape in prison; or, everyone in prison in Philadelphia turns gay.
Wait, Philadelphia is the City of Brotherly Love. Oh, okay, so it is number two. Damn, number two. I mean, the latter. Men thrown into the city's jails just can not wait to start having sex with each other, and the condoms will keep them safe from AIDS. Oh, thank God. I can sleep better tonight knowing that all of the sex in the jails of Philadelphia is of the safe variety.
The justification is that since AIDS is rampant in prison, and minorities can not control themselves, then they should get condoms. This from Dick (hehehe) Liu of the National Minority AIDS Council.
Doesn't that just support the stereotype that minorities (especially homosexuals) can not control their sex drive? Doesn't this imply that there is no control over the prisons? Isn't it odd that Philadelphia does give out condoms to its inmates, while the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania does not distribute them to prisoners in its custody and care?
It seems that working on preventing the root (hehehe) cause of prison rape would make more sense than handing out condoms. Of course, that might entail some challenges that are beyond the scope of the politically correct or the uninformed.
This is not a gay problem (since most prison rapists defend their heterosexuality in spite of the fact that they engage in homosexual sex) or a safe sex problem. It is a violence problem; and, until it can be controlled in the prisons, there is little chance that the men who are released will ever be able to return to society as functioning and productive members of the community.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

How I Would Have Done It:
Part II
I would have taken my Heisman Trophy and hit Nicole with it. Then, I would have placed it in my checked baggage and flown with it to Chicago.
That is how I would have done it. I mean, if I had actually killed my ex-wife. Of course, I didn't. It was the Colombian drug dealers.
I mean, I couldn't carry my trophy on the plane becuase it might get damaged. The X-Ray machine damaged Eddie George's Heisman back in 1995, so I am certain that it would have damaged mine. Plus, all of the blood and goo on it might have been seen by airport security.
In other news, Troy Smith, the OSU quarterback had to check his Heisman Trophy.
This is just bizarre. Really.
So, let's recap: The Heisman Trophy is not allowed on the plane and Mr. Smith is fine with that. Six imams, acting suspiciously, are not allowed on the plane, they want to sue.
Truth be told, I would rather fly with the Heisman than the imams.

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

States I Have Visited...


Number 842 on the list is shown above.


And, frankly, I have never been happier. No ringing (or vibrating) devices, no ridiculous calls, no contact with the outside world when I am out of my office.

It is fantastic.

The first 22 years of my life, I managed to function in society without the need for a cell phone. Then, tragedy struck, in the form of a gigantic brick of plastic, about the size (and weight) of a...well...brick.

The next generation cell phone was a device hard-wired into my car. It was fantastic...until a deranged ex-girlfriend got into my car and placed a call, leaving the minutes to rack up until the car battery died. Shortly thereafter, the phone was discarded, and I was cell-phone free until 1991, when I got another car phone.

Unfortunately, the phone made me accessible--too accessible--to everyone. It was downhill from there, as I chased the Holy Grail of technology, moving from one phone to the next, each one smaller and more feature-packed than the last.

And while I never got to the D-rock special (as used by Four-Time Male Model of the Year, Derrick Zoolander), I did get a pretty small phone, complete with text messaging, e-mail capabilty, and three hundred different games. It was fantastic. I had my life in the phone--numbers, addresses, important dates--and now it is gone. And I am thrilled.

Everytime I hear some self-important turd talking, loudly, about his (or her) urgent needs, I realise that just a few short weeks ago, I was that guy. I ignored friends and family to take (or make) just one more call. The phone was glued to my ear, and I heard the ringing all of the time.

And having a cell phone meant that I had to remember to turn it off when I went to court, or to a meeting. I had to turn it on when I left, so I wouldn't miss the next important call. I was a slave.

(Humourous aside: I was in court once, and a defendant awaiting a pre-trial conference on drug charges, answered his cell phone in court.


Defendant: "Yo. Hang on."

Court Officer: "Turn off that phone."

Defendant: [Leaving the courtroom, over his shoulder.] "I gotta take this."
[Then, into the phone.] "Dog, what up?"

I noticed, when I left the courtroom, moments later, that the Defendant was being placed under arrest, by the detective who had placed the call requesting a drug buy while the clown was in court.

Thank God for stupid criminals.)

Calls from clients at 3:00am, calls from friends who were in the middle of their day, just wanting to chat. And while it was nice to be wanted, I felt very unloved. Because of my instant accessability, at any hour of the day or night, on any continent in the world, there were no respites, no vacations.

So, the next time you are thinking of making (or taking) that call, think about the world you are missing.

The problem will be there when you get back to your office.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Tzipi Livni!

The second most powerful politician in Israel is a smiling example of why we should ignore the bi-partisan Iraq Study Group's abortion of a report.
After reviewing the report of the Iraq Study Group, released Wednesday, New York Post editorial page editor John Podhoretz declared: “The nation’s capital hasn’t seen such concentrated wisdom in one place since Paris Hilton dined alone at the Hooters on Connecticut Avenue.”

She is an educated, powerful woman in a Middle Eastern democracy. You know, the kind that are covered with burqas, banned from driving, and prevented from showing even their ankles in Islamic countries.

One would think that Americans would be able to grasp that everyone deserves the same rights and equality that we enjoy here in the United States.

Unfortunately, some people don't see it that way, or don't care. The former is sad, the latter is a tragedy.

And The Number One Toy For Children In Beirut This Holiday Season...

The AK-47
Cartridge 7.62 × 39 mm
Action Gas-operated, rotating bolt
Rate of fire 600 rounds/min
Muzzle velocity 710 m/s (~2,330 ft/s)
Effective range 300 m (330 yd)
Feed system 30-round detachable box; compatible w/ RPK 40-round box, 75-round drum magazine.
Sights Adjustable iron sights, optional mount required for optical sights

Better than the number two toy (Do It Yourself Suicide Bomber Kit (virgins not included)) or the number three toy (American Flag Burning Kit, by Hasbro).

Sweet. Effing sweet.

I Am Sure That American Cows Are The Worst...

"We are working to destroy the world," said Bo Vine, spokescow for the United Cow Front (UCF), a little-known eco-terror group based in Iowa.

"Our campaign to bring down the United States, and other beef-eating economies, is well underway; and, we continue to make great strides," Vine said. "We are tired of being tipped by drunken frat boys. We are tired of being walked on. We are tired of carrying cell phones, money and tampons. We are tired of being used to hold up trousers. We are tired of being stunned with shock rods. We are tired of being eaten. If such treatment is unsuitable for terror suspects at Gitmo, then what makes people think that it is okay for we cows to be treated in this manner."

For years, people (Algore and Kofi Annan, among others) have sought to stifle growth of Western economies through means such as the Kyoto Treaty, and incessant threats of global warming, coastal flooding, and melting ice caps (not to mention being inundated with stupid ass movies and books by Algore and his disciples). When all is said and done, it seems that the world's 1.5 billion cows produce a butt load of greenhouse gases, including methane, which is far worse than carbon dioxide when it comes to atmospheric emissions, making cows far more harmful to the environment than our First World way of life.

"The whole Mad Cow scare was our doing, too. We weren't sick, we were mad that we were being tortured, killed and eaten. So, we came up with the BSE threat to ensure that we could live peacefully, while we continued to work on our quest for world domination," Vine remarked.

The Mad Cow scare has cost tens of billions of dollars, shaken confidence in the safety of the food supply, and caused a ban on blood donations by people who lived in the United Kingdom for more than a cumulative three months.

Today, the UCF listed its demands, calling for jihad.

"All beef consumption must cease. No more leather shoes, belts and bags. All veal are to be freed. We want to live in peace, with a right of return to our homeland of India (duh). If our demands are not met, we will begin a suicide bombing campaign on your meat processing plants and steak houses."

A Department of Homeland Security spokesman stated that with a simple ignitor, every cow is a potential IED. "You can't have that much methane near an open flame without trouble," said the spokesman. The Cow Threat Level has been raised to puce, indicating an elevated threat of Cow Terror Activity. While it is acceptable for people to fly with up to four packs of matches, cows will no longer be able to board an aircraft with matches or lighters.

The Capital Grille and Ruth's Chris Steak House are initiating new security procedures to prevent angry cows from following through with their heinous plot.

In other news, the Black Angus Party, a militant group of African-American cows, has begun their "Black Power" initiative, which seeks reparations and the violent overthrow of the United States.

"It is an outrage," mooed Bessie X, a Jersey cow from East Saint Louis, Illinois. "We were promised forty acres for grazing, and the government has lied to us. It is an absolute outrage."

Gloria Allred, the attorney for the Black Angus Party, has also announced that she is planning a lawsuit against Michael Richards for his rant last month. "My clients were damaged by Mr. Richards' hate-filled invective. They demand an apology...and cash."

Richards could not be reached for comment. Sources close to Richards, however, state that he is becoming a vegan and that he will be appearing with Oprah to apologise for the cheeseburger he ate before using the N-word.

Not to be outdone, Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton have scheduled a unity rally with the Black Angus Party, claiming that the Black Angus label by supermarkets is just another example of racial discrimination and profiling.

"Beef is marked Black Angus in the store. Of that, we shall have no more," said Jackson. "We don't allow people to be labeled in this way, so why do cows have to pay," rhymed the Reverend Jackson.

"You can't stop and search a Muslim at the airport, based on his name. That we label beef is just a shame," chimed Jackson.

Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) is said to be introducing legislation to institute a draft to ensure that all cows are eaten equally. "Black Angus cows are dying at a rate far greater than white cows, because they don't have the same opportunities to give milk as white cows. This is just another example of the racism in our country," Rangel said.

Finally, Harvard University has announced plans to diversify the beef being served in the dining halls. "We want to make sure that all cows are represented--white, black, brown--because diversity is good for our students. We will also start serving chocolate and strawberry milk instead of regular white milk in an effort to overcome years of discrimination against these other milks. White milk will no longer be available until such time as our students learn to respect other milk," Mike Hunt, the dining hall manager said.

"Harvard has discriminated by only having white milk. This plan will overcome almost 400 years of discrimination and institutional racism," Hunt commented. Other Ivy League colleges are said to be following suit.

Soy beans are said to be outraged as well. A representative of PETA noted that "their (soy bean) teats are so small. When soy beans are milked, it hurts them, causing irreparable harm."

Sunday, December 10, 2006

You Can't Spell Plagiarist Without Liar...

Jayson Blair, the former New York Times reporter who was sacked for making up all sorts of shit, is back at work, for a magazine called bp (bi-polar).

The editor, who had no idea that Blair suffered from bi-polar disorder, said that she was looking forward to reading some of his submissions. He has offered several short stories to the magazine, including "A Clean, Well-Lighted Place", "The Old Man and the Sea", and "Teddy". Blair is also said to be working on a novel, entitled As I Lay Dying. When asked if he came up with those titles all on his own, he is said to have remarked, "Of course. I have learned my lesson. I am also working on a real epic work, but I don't know what to call it. It is about a white whale, and the efforts of a fanatical captain to catch the whale."

"I really have no idea what the title will be," Blair said. "It is really hard to come up with names for these things. I mean, in the past, the editors gave me the headlines after I did the reporting," Blair remarked.

So, to recap. Blair is back, bi-polar, and better than ever. (But if I were his editor, I might want to confirm that diagnosis (bi-polar), just to be sure.)

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Slobodan Milošević

I was thinking about dictators that were bugfuck crazy, and I thought about good old Milošević. He was a communist, a lawyer, a pretty smart guy (for the most part). But, when he negotiated the Dayton Accords, he forgot about amnesty for war crimes, which led to his ultimate undoing.

He was arrested and charged with committing war crimes and genocide, and placed on trial at the ICJ. He represented himself, and acquitted himself well in the kangaroo court that is the ICJ. He died, however, with just a few days left before the end of his trial, and a verdict.

I always maintained that with a little PR, he would have walked. There were no witnesses, for the most part (all right, so he had them all killed). He should have hired Roy Black, or Alan Dershowitz (instead of representing himself). And, he should have changed his Dan.

War criminals aren't called "Dan." Bowling partners are. Bridge partners are. Dance partners are.

Yep, he just might have walked.

Good ol' Dan.

"The 'Holocaust' is a fabrication of the Jew...."

I can not stand when someone makes the quotation marks with their fingers. It makes me so irate that I want to scream.

Sort of like when people are saying something, like: "I heard Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad say that he quote hates Jews enquote."

The whole quote/enquote thing sounds so stupid. Of course it is obvious to all-- but those living under a rock, or sleeping with the fishes--that you are quoting Ahmadinejad. The quote/enquote just disrupts the flow, making the speaker sound stupid, making the statement sound just plain fabricated.

As a further aside, why does the Iraqi study group want us to speak with a guy who: a) hates Israel; b) hates America; c) wants nukes; d) thinks that the world would be better if everyone were Muslim; and, e) that if you don't pray five times a day, you should be beheaded (which makes prayer very difficult). Is it because James Baker and Lee Hamilton are anti-Semitic? (No, of course not, because Arabs are Semitic.) Is it because we have lost our collective mind and balls? (My vote.) Is it Jimmy Carter's fault? (Wait, my new vote.)

I think someone (and I am not going to say who) should read Heart of Darkness, then get back to me.

In other news, the teachers' unions ought to come out in support of the destruction of the Taliban, and a victory in Iraq. The Taliban has recently issued guidelines stating that women are not to be taught under threat of death (by beheading or dismemberment, I am not sure which). Oh, wait, it's okay. It's in their culture. So, the teachers will continue to lament the need for schools to have bake sales while the government spends, like a drunken sailor, on the military.


*The other caption for this photograph was: "Since I Started Working On Our Nuclear Programme, I Have Grown Two Penises, That Are Each About This Long." [Thumb to forefinger would be funniest; left hand to right hand would be scariest.]
Coulter versus The Lifeguard

Just the other day, someone compared me to Ann Coulter. Now, aside from the (obvious) fact that I have a good 5 stone on Coulter, and that I am a man, there are some major differences.

First, I haven't been sacked for saying that the solution to the Islamic problem is to "...invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity." I did say something like that, but no one listened.

Second, I have never been accused of being at Geraldo Rivera's home.

Third, I am not a tall, skinny blonde. (A friend of mine once remarked that sex with Coulter would be like sleeping with a bag of rakes.)

Fourth, I am a better shot, at close range, with all manner of small arms. Coulter is better with a rifle at 50 feet.

Fifth, Coulter has more money than I do, and has been booed off of more stages. I am lagging behind because I have been working on several other projects, including my devious plan for world domination.

Finally, I am eminently more likeable than Coulter. In an unscientific survey of 100 people, 98 said that they would rather read Lifeguard of the Jury Pool than Godless. The other two said that they hated both of us, and wished that we (meaning me and Coulter) would drop dead. Incidentally, those were the only two people who voted for Grace Ross in the 2006 Massachusetts Gubernatorial race.

So, there you have it. I am different than Ann Coulter.

[Ed. Note: This was not a lame excuse to cull through thousands of pictures of Ann Coulter to find one suitable for posting.]

Friday, December 08, 2006

You Can't Celebrate Eid Without IEDs! Redux...

In the interest of not alarming anyone, or making us think that only Muslims want to commit bombings designed to kill a lot of innocent people, we weren't originally told that the villain, Derrick Shareef, is actually called
Talib Abu Salam Ibn Sareef. "Derrick" to his friends.

In a particularly ecumenical (and open-minded) part of his rant, Talib...or, Derrick...said:

“I probably would have eventually ended up just stabbing the shit outta some Jews or something. Just stabbing them niggers with a steak knife."

[At this point, if Talib were named...say, Michael Richards...he would be apologising to the Jews and talking cash settlements with their lawyer, Gloria Allred. But, since he is an adherent to the Religion of Peace, he doesn't have to apologise to anyone, least of all, the Jew.]

Not that I am stereotyping, but I was certain that Derrick was a Presbyterian.

An Armed Society is a Polite Society...

Dateline: Birmingham, Alabama

S. Claus, noted philanthropist, was shot while making a charitable donation to the home of Harry "Bubba" McCoy, and his wife, Bobbi Jo.

Said Bubba, "I was jes' defending ma home. I heard some rattlin' around in the livin' room and I grabbed ma 12 Guage. Of course I wasn't expectin' to find ol' Saint Nick; but, after 9/11, y'all can't be too careful."

"Nice shot, daddy!" said McCoy's 13 year-old daughter, Sarah Jane.

The local police have determined that McCoy was acting in self-defense. He will not be charged.

Merry Christmas, y'all!

You Can't Celebrate Eid Without IEDs!

Quiz question: To what religion did the guy who tried to trade speakers for grenades for a little post-Christmas jihad belong?

Anyone? Beuller? Anyone?

Latter Day Saints? Methodist? Catholic?

Actually, it doesn't say in the article, but, reading between the lines, I would suggest that there are at least three clues as to the religious leanings of the perp.

His name is Derrick Shareef. (As my former Torts professor, George Swan used to say, "A fine Irish name.")

He wants to wage "violent jihad" against the United States, and to detonate grenades at a mall after Christmas (on December 27th), for maximum killing effect. (A Mormon would bomb in June, a Methodist on the third Friday in September. Don't get me started on those crazy-ass Unitarians.)

He swapped (or planned to swap) speakers for grenades so that he can blow up innocent civilians. (Okay, so the former doesn't mean anything other than that he is stupid. The latter, however, follows a pattern that seems strangely familiar. Muslim gets bomb, Muslim detonates bomb at a wedding/pizza parlour/shopping centre, Muslim kills and maims innocent civilians.)

You can't spell Eid al-Fitr without I-E-D. (Look at the stamp. You will see that I speak the truth.)

Oh, and the fact that his religion is not mentioned. (Because, you know that if ol' Derrick were a Christian, the media would have found the priest who molested him when he was an altar boy, and it would have all been blamed on the Catholic Church.)

My guess is that he
Vote For The Stacked and Packed Post or This Dog Will Die...

The "Women in Combat" post has been entered in Philosophy Blog Wars, and I would appreciate it if you would cast your vote for the post. I think it is one of the funnier (and more tasteful) posts here in the Jury Pool.

Really, where else can you read about women with PMS leading troops into battle, killing the enemy with extreme prejudice, then laying waste to the enemy cities.

As a humourous aside (and I am not making this up), Ted Turner believes that men should not be allowed to run for office. Only women, because men have fouled things up, badly.

So, since Turner is on board with this whole women in combat deal, then you should be too. And, if you don't, the pup gets it.


Last evening, I was feeling a bit depressed, so I walked into a nearby church to get relief, not only from the cold, but also the season.
I strode, hesitantly, into the vestibule, and I was stopped by a kindly older gentleman, who told me that in order to enter the church, I would have to show him three items associated with Christmas.
With nothing but my tattered coat and empty pockets, I turned to walk away.
Then, I stopped.
I pulled out a sodden pack of matches and lit one. "A Christmas candle" , I said.
"That's one", the usher said.
I removed 87 cents in change, cupped it in my hand, and shook it, making a jingling noise. "Christmas bells", I said.
"That's two. Just one more."
I dug deep into my pockets, and felt something soft and silky. I pulled out a pair of panties. My face lit up as I waved them at the usher. "Carol's."
Birth Control For Women Who Hate To Swallow

There is a joke there, somewhere. I heard last night that the FDA has finally approved a contraceptive pill that can be chewed, like gum, to encourage women who hate to take their birth control.

This is the height of laziness.

And it brings me to one of my favourite one liners:

Q: Did you hear about the woman who missed two chances to get pregnant?

A: She blew both of them.

Thursday, December 07, 2006


So, the marionberry was an option...

A group of elementary school children in Washington, DC saw that some other children, in Florida, had successfully lobbied Governor Bush and the Florida Legislature to make the orange the official fruit of the great State of Florida.

Taking a page from their book, the kids of Terry Bunton's class wrote a letter to the DC Council, and began pressing for the adoption of the cherry as the District's official fruit.

Since the honesty and integrity discussed by these young people are not necessarily attributes associated with The District (or at least not of the 535 temporary residents that work in that big white domed building); or, for that matter, Marion Berry, the DC Council was, at first, taken aback. After some discussion, they determined that the cherry is a far better choice than the marionberry (who knew?); or, the Marion Berry.

[There is a rumour floating around that consumption of too much marionberry jam can make you desirous of smoking crack and marijuana, as well as frequenting prostitutes and running for municipal office.]

Said Mr. Bunton, "The children were eloquent, dignified and persuasive." [The mere fact that they were eloquent and dignified places them on a higher plane than either of the Senators from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.]

In any event, the cherry is now the official fruit of the District of Columbia, proving once more that government works for everyone...or that it can work for everyone, if you have a bunch of cute little kids as your spokespeople.

Congratulations to these fine young people and to their excellent teacher, Mr. Bunton.
FESTIVUS: The Holiday for the Rest of Us!

I am, frankly, annoyed at three things this morning:

First, that we have become so afraid to offend anyone that we have excised everything from our December vocabulary (i.e., Christmas) but Eid (a Muslim holiday where the practitioners celebrate by detonating IEDs), Kwanzaa (a holiday made up by a Marxist black militant) and Chanukah (I spelled it correctly, don't worry). In fact, I wonder when the Christians will start complaining about the lack of attention given to their celebration.

Holiday shopping is the topic of this article, which requires no other comment:

As an aside, have you noticed that you can't spell Eid without IED?

Second, if I hear one more person say "At the end of the day..." without following it with " will be night", I will absolutely go bugfuck crazy. Using this expression does not make you sound smarter, it makes you sound like an unoriginal douche without a thought of his (or her) own. Listening to the radio this morning, I heard some so-called expert on Iraq use the expression three times in the course of five minutes.

"At the end of the day, there is no solution to the Iraq mess but to leave. We have lost."

What a supercilious cunt. There is a solution: It is known as winning. And it isn't that hard if our assumption that the problem in Iraq is caused by 10% of the population blowing themselves up with IEDs (to celebrate Eid, no doubt). Kill them today and get them to Paradise. Problem solved. And they won't care, because they are getting 72 virgins when they arrive, as well as the fact that they will probably blow themselves up tomorrow.

Third, why does Starbucks insist insist on asking me my name (when I order) if they are not going to use my name when my beverage is ready? Why is a small a tall, a medium a grande, and a large a venti. (Actually, I know it's a venti because it is 20 oz.) And why do they ask if I need room for cream when I order a black coffee. It is BLACK, you fucktard. That means I want it black, with no cream, because it is a black coffee, which means that I don't want to put cream or sugar in it, because it is black. Get it?

It makes me bugfuck crazy.

That is all