Thursday, December 29, 2011

A concept!

National Lampoon's Pyongyang Vacation
It was one of the great movies of the 1980s, remade with a 21st century twist.

The Kim family loads up the Wagon Queen Family Truckster, throws dad in the car-top carrier, and sets out for that amazing North Korean theme park, Warry Word.

Of course, there are a few changes, most notably that the role of Aunt Edna is played by Kim Jong Il.  (He loved movies.  He's already dead.)  The role of Cousin Eddie is played by Jimmy Carter (a natural, more than filling Randy Quaid's goofy-ass shoes), and Cousin Catherine, by Madeleine Albright.

The film, however, rings true in so many ways.  The Lifeguard has taken the liberty of listing the top five:

5)  When Rusty asks Clark why they don't fly, Clark says, "Because getting there is half the fun."  [Kim Jong Il hated flying.  He died on his train.]

4)  Audrey tells Cousin Vicki that she's not a big fan of farms or farming (after seeing her trophy for a prize hog, but before Vicki pulls out a box of marijuana).  [The North Korean people can't raise enough food to keep from starving, thanks to the bug-fuck craziness of their late Supreme Leader.  Also, starving North Koreans have been forced to eat grass to survive.]

3)  When Clark tries to cash a check, he is told that he can't because his credit cards have been canceled.  He then writes a check and steals the cash.  [North Korea does the same thing, but with the threat of nuclear weapons.]

2)  Clark is a goofy looking dude.  [Kim Jong Un is also a goofy looking dude.]

1)  Clark kills Aunt Edna's dog.  [Kim Jong Il killed hundreds of thousands of his people.  Maybe millions, if you count the ones that died of starvation because he so badly mismanaged the country.  And, Koreans eat dog.]

Now, all The Lifeguard has to do is get some money to develop the concept.  (Hey, he figures that the studios give Adam Sandler assloads of money to crank out shit, they could do the same for moi.)

Friday, December 23, 2011

The Lifeguard Likes!

It didn't hurt that they were kinda hot.

In a move touted by the LGBT community as the "Kiss Heard Round the World," a same-sex couple became the first in the Navy to get to have the celebrated first kiss upon their return to port.  (At first, The Lifeguard thought he was seeing Rosie O'Donnell's Family Cruise, not the return of a US warship.  But, the women appeared to be attractive, so he immediately knew it wasn't Rosie.)

Sailors on board ship applauded, mainly because they got to see something they'd otherwise have to pay $9.99 to see.  The ship's captain, David Bauer, said, "It's going to happen and the crew is going to enjoy it."  (Yeah, because they don't have to pay $9.99 to see it.)

Of course, had the drawing yielded a couple of big, hairy guys (or big, hairy women), the LA Times might not have made such a big deal of the picture.

Friday, December 16, 2011

She may be 55...

...But She Told The Sioux City Audience...
...that The Lifeguard lives up to all of the hype.

Even if The Lifeguard felt like he was showing off for Diane Keaton.


Debate Recap

On Thursday, The Lifeguard settled in for a night of political debauchery (in the form of the Fox News debate, from Sioux City, Iowa).  Not only did he watch the show, but the analysis afterwards. And, as is often the case, The Lifeguard had many disagreements with the chattering skulls.  So, with martini in hand--then, as now--The Lifeguard offers a few thoughts on the present state of affairs in the diminishing Republican field.

Newt Gingrich did very well, notwithstanding the fact that he was constantly hectored by Michele Bachmann.  He stayed relatively focused, and even did a good job explaining his consulting role with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.  (His gig--as a private citizen--was much different than that of Representative Barney Frank or Senator Chris Dodd--as Congressmen.)  Sadly, Bachmann was too busy playing the role of a yipping dog to Gingrich's mailman, or Jane Curtain to Gingrich's Dan Ackroyd.

Every time Bachmann opened her mouth, The Lifeguard wanted to stick something in it.  (I'm thinking ball gag or wadded-up undergarments.)  The Lifeguard's jaw dropped when she said that someone had indicated her facts were all correct.  (There has to be a first time, just by sheer dumb luck.)  

Who in the crikey fuck picked her outfit?  It was more "mother of the bride" than "leader of the free world."  The Lifeguard can help, darlin', especially if you want to be considered to be a "...serious candidate for President of the United States...."  At least Governor Palin knew how to dress.  Maybe hit Hillary! up for some wardrobe advice.  And, for the record, sweetheart, if you want to be considered a "serious candidate", you need to stop whining about being talked down to because of your sex.  If you want to be the POTUS, you have to have some balls.  (And, that means not whingeing every time you get schooled on something.)

Ambassador Huntsman has hot daughters (pictured above), and that's about it.  But, he did get The Lifeguard's attention when he said, "America is getting screwed."  (He's right, too.  President Obama has presided over the world's largest orgy.  Of course, most people like to be kissed before they get screwed.)

Governor Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow, then said he wanted to be the "Tim Tebow of the Iowa Caucuses."  The only way that's gonna happen, Rick, is if the Iowa Caucuses have OT.  And they don't.  So, you are more likely to be the Tony Romo of the Iowa Caucuses.

Congressman Ron Paul is bugfuck crazy.  He has a buttload of followers, and he is a Third Party threat; but, he is bugfuck crazy.

Governor Mitt Romney is Bob Dole with two good arms.  He is John McCain with good hair.  He's smart, reliable, and boring.  The only thing that separates him from his two predecessors is that they were war heroes.  He is next in line, and feels a sense of entitlement; but, he's just too goofy.  (Who uses the word "zany"?)  From The Lifeguard's perspective, if he wasn't able to beat a shitty candidate (Senator McCain) in 2008, how the hell will he beat BHO in the 2012 general election.  Not only has BHO tasted power, he will have a cool bill to spend on his campaign, as well as a lot of zany union operatives who will be even tougher than the ones that Teddy K. brought in to Massachusetts in 1994.

As for the other guy on the stage, Congressman Ron Paul, he is bugfuck crazy.  24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

The Lifeguard is sure that he is forgetting someone, but he can't think of whom that might be.

Peace, brethren!  (And sistren.)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


The Lifeguard does admit that Time has chosen a few stinkers over its history; but, this one might be the flop of the century.  (Of the last one, too.)

As The Lifeguard's friend, Derek Zoolander once said, "Lucky for me no one I know reads your little Time magazine, or whatever it's called."

Saturday, December 10, 2011


The First Thing Rick Perry Has Gotten Right Since He Joined This Campaign.
The Lifeguard is the real deal.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011


"The Lifeguard Is The Shit!"
Former Vice President Al Gore knows it.  He says it loud.  He says it proud.

"I invented the internet," Gore said.

"I also created the specific instructions for solving all problems," noted Gore.  "Why else," he said, "would they be called AlGore-ithms."

"AlGore-ithms, bitch!"

"Now give me my own Nobel Prize!"


"It Was About This Wide."
So now, the world has a reasonable idea of just how well-equipped The Lifeguard is.

And, they're all jealous.  Every last one of them.

Friday, December 02, 2011

It figures...

The Subaru Forester And Occupy Boston.

A picture is worth a thousand words.


The Lifeguard has spent a lot of time saving the world; or, at the very least, trying.

Last night, The Lifeguard was chatting with a beautiful young woman, who surprisingly had two tattoos.  One was on her wrist and the other was on her inner thigh.  (Don't ask how The Lifeguard knows about that one.)  Now, The Lifeguard is not a fan of tattoos, especially on women; however, they were always useful tools to verify a girl's age.  (They've gotta be eighteen to get a tattoo.)

So, we began discussing the tattoo on her wrist--the one that said, "Angel."  She intimated that it was, ", sarcasm."  As to the other tattoo, The Lifeguard was amused at the design, and started to closely examine the artwork.  (Again, don't ask.)

Angel:  "Can you believe I had to get a fake ID so that I could get these tattoos?"

Lifeguard:  "Huh?"

Angel:  "Like, I had to get a fake ID when I was in Miami, know...Spring Break last spring.  Like, can you believe that you have to be eighteen to get a tattoo?  It's"

Lifeguard:  "Huh?"

Angel:  "I mean, all of my friends were getting them, and I wasn' to wait until I"

Lifeguard:  "Huh?"

Angel:  "I didn't want to more years."

At which point, The Lifeguard left, longing for the days when girls got fake IDs to buy booze, not to get tattoos.

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Variations on a theme.

The Lifeguard Was Out For A Run...
He fell into stride with a pleasant young woman, who wanted to talk about religion.  When she got to the subject of martyrs of the Apostolic Age, she mentioned something about crosses and crucifixion.

Then, she stopped to explain St. Andrew's crucifixion, at which point, The Lifeguard nailed her.  (But, not to a cross.)