Monday, January 21, 2013

The Lifeguard Has A Dream...

And MLK Would Be Proud!
The Lifeguard (and his intern, Anzu) longs for the day when all ice is judged, not by its color, but by its slipperiness.

Therefore, on this Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, The Lifeguard encourages all of y'all to contact your representatives and ask, nay, implore them to pass legislation removing the term "black ice" from the lexicon.

The term, "black ice" implies that something black is worse than something white.  (There isn't, after all, any Puerto Rican ice.)  The term "sheer ice" would be just as descriptive, without bringing race into the mix, and it would be far less offensive to the seven people who get worked up by the use of...well...language.

You know, words like "blacklist," "compound," "Paddy wagon," and "Indian giver."

So, when you next hear someone talk about "black ice," make sure you call them on it.  Tell them it's a racist expression that has no place in this century.  (And remember, The Lifeguard and Anzu are working diligently to make the world a happier place.)

Friday, January 18, 2013


Miss Me?
Miss Yu!
The Lifeguard returns with another collection of the hottest, sexiest comments for the legions of semi-literate losers who think that the world gives a flying rat's ass about what they have to say about subjects about which they know less than nothing.

In other words...Speedos!

  • The Lifeguard was thinking about a bumper sticker he saw in the run-up to the 2012 election.  "I like my coffee like my president.  Smooth, strong, and black."  Huh?
  • What would the world have thought if The Lifeguard had placed a bumper sticker on his ride that said, "I prefer my president to be like my milk.  Cold, healthy, and white."
  • The Lifeguard was driving home the other night and nearly hit a jogger.  The Lifeguard couldn't help but think that the law should protect drivers who run over joggers who run at night, in dark clothing, without lights or reflectors.  (The "evolution crowd" should support this type of Darwinism, as it is a fairly effective means of thinning the herd.)
  • Lance Armstrong, the disgraced cyclist, admitted to the all-powerful Oprah that he had used performance-enhancing drugs, and had participated in blood-doping.  He'll be on again tonight, in the event that anyone cares.
  • Manti T'eo has got to be wishing that his story had broken just one day later.  
  • Oprah is at least three times the size of Lance Armstrong.  (And twice the size of Manti T'eo.)  In fact, The Lifeguard was afraid that Oprah was going to eat Armstrong in much the same way that a female praying mantis eats her mate after having coitus.
  • CNN's Piers Morgan said that he hopes to beat Bill O'Reilly.  Looking at the recent numbers, the only way that this will happen is if he uses a cricket bat.  Hell, Morgan can't even beat Rachel Maddow's ratings, and she's on a network that no one watches.  
  • Recently, President Obama went to Chicago to talk about gun violence.  Wait!  No, he didn't.  Rather, he surrounded himself with children to talk about the need for further restrictions on the Second Amendment.  The Lifeguard wonders how it would go down if someone surrounded himself with jars of aborted babies to talk about the need for restrictions on the abortion right.
  • In the rush to get more gun legislation on the books, New York forgot about the police.  The ban on high-capacity (i.e., more than seven (7) rounds) magazines had no exception for the police.  
  • This is not unlike the Affordable Care Act.  It has to be passed before we get to know what's in it.
  • The Lifeguard believes in "gun control."  You know, a nice, tight pattern in the center of mass.  Gun control.
  • This.  Is.  Awesome.
  • How is it that Obamanation is so hot on limiting gun violence (everywhere but Chicago), but opposed to releasing information that might lead to the reduction in gun violence in Mexico?
  • How is it that the cities with the most stringent gun possession restrictions have some of the highest murder rates?
  • When will the Constitution be required reading for all politicians?
All right, y'all.  The Lifeguard is heading out for a run.


Saturday, January 05, 2013

Happy New Year

It’s Speedos!

Happy New Year, y’all.  The Lifeguard wants to wish everyone a happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year.  Sure, 2012 was great, but 2013 is going to be better.  Way better.

By the way, The Lifeguard says “You’re welcome.” 

Sure, President Obama may have stopped the oceans from rising and turned America into a Third World country; but, The Lifeguard appeased the Mayan gods through his virgin outreach, thus averting Mayan disaster on December 21, 2012.

  • The Lifeguard recently received his invitation to the Obama Inaugural.  (Seriously.) 
  • In the wake of the Newtown (Connecticut) shootings, Mexico City, Mexico will destroy toy guns in an effort to stop gun violence.  Attorney General Eric Holder immediately announced plans to start Operation Half-Fast and Angry, a gun-walking scheme where water guns are walked across the border by Texas school children.
  • House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) defended her decision to digitally add missing members to the photo of Democrat women in the House of Representatives.  The Lifeguard wonders why she didn’t add some hot chicks.
  • The Lifeguard's approval rating is higher than President Obama's.  Just sayin'.
  • Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren (D), who is 1/32 Cherokee, is hoping to get invited to some lunches or coffees.  She is the first American Indian elected to the Senate, and will be the first senator with blackjack tables and slots in her office.
  • There is some serious Global Warming in China, where they are experiencing the coldest winter in 28 years.  This might have something to do with AlGore's sale of his TV network, Current TV, to Al Jazeera.  AlGore stands to gain about $70 million dollars from the sale.  (His ex-wife, Tipper Gore, stands to gain about half that sum.)
  • Retired Massachusetts Congressman, Barney Frank, has asked Governor Deval Patrick for Senator John Forbes Kerry's seat, in the event that Kerry is confirmed as Secretary of State.  Shouldn't Frank ask Kerry if he can fill his seat?
  • Is The Lifeguard the only one who laughs when he reads headlines about Barney Frank filling someone's seat?
That's all for now, y'all.