Friday, January 28, 2011

It's all good.

Something New?

When The Lifeguard was in high school, there was something called "Prue's Haikus", a collection of poems following the 5/7/5 format of the traditional Japanese poem. This was followed by The Lifeguard's own, "Bob's Briefs," the poetic equivalent of tighty whiteys.

Twenty years later, Jay Nordlinger has his own, "Impromptus," in National Review Online.

And, now, The Lifeguard introduces...


Brief comments on the state of the world, the union, and life in general.

For instance, is The Lifeguard wrong for vowing to never take his nephew to the movies? What about if said nephew spends the entire movie fucking around with his iPhone? What if said nephew walks out of the movie with his pants unbuttoned and his zipper down? It would be one thing if The Lifeguard's nephew were Pee Wee Herman; but, the kid is twelve, and the movie wasn't Doing Miss Daisy, it was The Green Hornet.

Speaking of kids with high-tech electronics, why the fuck do children today need the latest and greatest? How in the Hell did civilisation survive these past few centuries? And, what will happen when China's labour-class reaches a critical mass and starts demanding more money for assembling our cell phones, MP3 players, and televisions. (Not to mention our shitty costume jewelry, light bulbs, and slutty clothing for our whores-in-training.) Yeah, the new DingleBerry makes life easier; but, do we need it? (More to the point, do we need those stupid Bluetooth devices hanging off of our ears?)

Real Housewives of Atlanta has done more to make The Lifeguard hate real housewives in Atlanta than anything the housewives could have done on their own. And, The Lifeguard remembers when "NeNe Leakes" was a venereal disease, which was treatable with penicillin and preventable with a Durex. Now, NeNe Leakes is a...well...she's not real; and, The Lifeguard questions the housewife part. But, she lives in Atlanta, so I guess one out of three ain't bad.

The Lifeguard doubts that President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) can produce a real birth certificate. The Lifeguard also believes that, three years ago, no one would have given a shit. But, once he dug in his heels, the game changed, forever. Flashbacks to when Bill Clinton wagged his bony finger at America, and denied having had sex with that woman. Dude, no one would have cared that you used her like a toilet. They cared that you lied about it. Americans are a forgiving people...if you ask.

Which reminds The Lifeguard that President Obama has risen to the highest elected office in the land in spite of being a horrible public speaker. Presidents Bush and Clinton...and Bush the Elder were weak, too. In fact, there hasn't been a decent orator since Reagan. Before him? Maybe JFK?

There is nothing worse than Dunkin' Donuts coffee...except, maybe, New Englanders who complain about January.

The Lifeguard needs a martini.

Goodnight, y'all.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

Snow White. Snow Day. Whatever.

Friday (usually) means the end of the work (or school) week. Not so, in these United States. This "...nation of wusses."

It must surely be a sign of the apocalypse that the mere threat of five to eight inches of snow causes schools (in New England, where it snows) to cancel school...before the snow even starts falling.

When The Lifeguard was but a lad, growing up in the Mountain West, the threat of a blizzard simply meant that some kids might piss off and go skiing, not that school would be canceled. The Lifeguard recalls going to bed with snow falling, and waking to see the roads clear and sidewalks shoveled.

The Lifeguard has friends from Alaska who talked of school being in session, even when it was thirty below. (The Lifeguard did, however, call Bravo Sierra on the part of the story that involved walking to school in the snow, five miles, both directions.)

So, why can't New England (where it snows) cope with snow?

Why must kids sit home (rather than in school)?

Why can't The State of Hawaii find President Barack Hussein Obama's birth certificate? (Wait, that is a different post. And for the record, he is still not a Muslim.)

But, since we are no longer hearty Puritan stock, able to weather, The Lifeguard proposes the following modest solution to the problems of snow removal and the budget impact it has on cash-strapped cities and towns in New England.

In return for not having to make up the snow day in June, students (over the age of 10) will be required to report to the city or town offices, schools and other public places to shovel, sand, and otherwise clear snow. It would free up the plows and other municipal workers, saving overtime and wear-and-tear on equipment. It would also provide an excellent lesson for the children, satisfying the twin goals of teaching the pleasures of hard work and physical fitness. (Snow shoveling burns approximately 400 calories per hour.)

As for the faculty and staff? Give them shovels, too. (The unions would go bugfuck crazy, but it would be worth it.)

So, as The Lifeguard watches the snow, and recalls Governor Rendell's comments, he knows that it is just about time to fire up the snow blower.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


The Lifeguard Needed Help With Something
While watching prime time television last night, The Lifeguard saw a PSA that discussed the importance of self-examination to check for lumps in the testicles. Indeed, testicular cancer can be a killer, if not caught early. At the very least, it can lead to becoming a one-balled freak. At the very best, it can be cured (and one can win the Tour de times).

So, this morning, The Lifeguard started the initial examination, which took only about an hour. Then, he started on the second testicle when this young woman stopped by the house, looking for directions. Fortunately, she had a hard hat, and was appropriately attired to assist with The Lifeguard's examination (although the gloves were a bit rough).

All kidding aside, The Lifeguard recommends that everyone participate in an effort to eradicate the scourge of testicular cancer.

Check yourself regularly--or get some help from a friend.

And, if you have any questions, don't call The Lifeguard.

Problem Solved!

Although There Wasn't A Hell Of A Lot Of Sleeping

At about ten thirty last night, The Lifeguard received an urgent telephone call from Nurse Dagmar, formerly of Lufthansa, now of the local hospital.

Apparently, there were some abnormalities in The Lifeguard's physical exam, and he was required to present, immediately, at The Four Seasons for a thorough evaluation of The Lifeguard's medical concerns. (Unlike Lance Armstrong, there is no risk of the media learning about The Lifeguard's use of performance enhancing drugs.)

Following something like twelve hours of intensive testing, as well as frequent hydration (with a crate of Pol Roger), The Lifeguard stumbled into the chill January morning with a better understanding of his insomnia, as well as a solution to the twin problems of colo-rectal cancer and airport security.

All passengers will be required to fast for at least twenty four hours before flying, and to report to the airport at least six hours before their flight. The passengers will strip down to their underwear, and will don a hospital johnny before the pre-flight security screening and colonoscopy. As travel sucks already, this seemingly onerous burden will reduce to zero the likelihood of some crazed adherent of the Religion of Peace sneaking a shoe, underwear, or asshole bomb onto the flight; and, it will ensure the health (and regularity) of the traveling public.

Nothing says "refreshing" like a diet of clear liquids and a high colonic.

Nothing says "safety" like passengers who have had every cavity examined before flying.

And, for absolute peace of mind, the frequent colonoscopies will provide a baseline of the colons of every traveler, and will do it without the increased risk of cancer which has been linked to the full body scanners now being deployed at airports around the world.

Indeed, this new policy would be no less inconvenient than the grief endured by The Lifeguard as he traveled through Chicago's O'Hare International Airport.

Travel Sucks Already Agent: "Please (and The Lifeguard is not making this up) remove your shoes, your belt, take off your watch, empty your pockets, take off your coats, and any other metal items and place them in the bin."

The Lifeguard: [Stage Whisper] "The only thing in my pocket is lint."

TSA Agent: "Take that out, too. Seriously. Otherwise, you will be subjected to a pat-down by Karl."

[Karl smiles, waves.]

The Lifeguard: "If I get patted down, I probably won't even get a drink out of it."

[Karl licks his lips, smiles.]

Fortunately, The Lifeguard was cleared to travel, without the need for a pat down. (The Lifeguard, however, did feel a little like Karen Silkwood.)

The Lifeguard suggests that this will be the silver bullet, ensuring safe travel, and safer colons.

Until his dream becomes a reality, The Lifeguard is due for further testing with Nurse Dagmar and six of her colleagues.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Life during wartime...

The Lifeguard Gets A Physical.
For the first time in something like five years, The Lifeguard made an appointment for a physical examination. (The Lifeguard figured that with ObamaCare, it might be another five years before he could once more get into the doctor's office.) And, with the anticipated health-care rationing, it seemed likely that the next prostate examination might be a lubeless endeavour, with leather gloves and a miner's light. ("Sorry, Mr. Lifeguard, your particular health plan does not cover the added cost of lubricant.")

Blood pressure? Normal.

Temperature? Normal.

Weight? Need to lose a few pounds.

Then, the serious questioning began.

Doctor: "Do you have any concerns?"

Lifeguard: "Ummm. Well, there is this small problem. The Lifeguard has issue...he thinks." (Former Senator Bob Dole is right. ED is a difficult matter to discuss, even with your physician.)

Doctor: "Tell me about this dysfunction." (The Lifeguard so wanted to wipe that smirk off of her face.)

Lifeguard: "Well, when The Lifeguard was in his twenties, he'd get an erection that he could not bend if he tried. Now, he can bend it a little. Does that mean The Lifeguard is getting stronger?"

And, so, The Lifeguard explained his difficulties achieving an erection after having had sex six or seven times.

Doctor: [Gasping in disbelief.] " Over what period?"

Lifeguard: "Twenty four hours."

Doctor: [With a HFWTFMF look on her face...and stammering.] "Seriously? That is not what I would consider erectile dysfunction. That's pretty amazing function, at your age. What do you think is normal?"

Lifeguard: "I dunno. Nine, ten, eleven times. And what the fuck do you mean, 'at my age?'"

Doctor: "Nine times a week?"

Lifeguard: "No. A day."

Thus ensued a discussion on what is in fact normal and what is normal for The Lifeguard. And for the record, the only time that Cialis was mentioned was when one nurse said to the other, "See, Alice, I can do a handstand on it."

The doctor was amazed. The nurses...well, let's just say that the No Smoking policy was lifted for the thirty minutes immediately following The Lifeguard's examination.

And, for some reason, The Lifeguard has to go in for a follow-up on Monday.

Sunday, January 09, 2011


It Must Be Opposite Day?
The Internal Revenue Service (whose motto is, "What's yours is ours") announced that we, the poor, down-trodden working men and women of America have a few extra days to hold onto our money.

It seems that (Republican) President, Abraham Lincoln signed the Compensated Emancipation Act on April 16, 1862; and, this is a holiday in the District of Columbia. It also seems that our federal government (whose motto is, "We never met a holiday we didn't take) will celebrate that holiday on April 15, 2011.

Notwithstanding the irony of Emancipation Day coinciding with tax day, The Lifeguard thanks the Great Emancipator for a brief respite from the largest orgy in America. (You know, April 15th, the day we all get fucked.)

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Maybe for that Gupta guy.

Sex Once A Week?
So many couples asked Dr. Gupta how often they should have sex, he wrote an article about it. He enumerated the reasons, the benefits, and the rationale for his conclusions. In all, it was a very thoughtful piece, which made The Lifeguard say, "HFWTFMF?!?"

Once a week?


Maybe for some, but The Lifeguard has a far different perspective on this topic. Once a week is not nearly enough. A more reasonable number is four or five times...a day.

Sure, once a week is nice, if one is trying to have sex once a week. But, like so many other endeavours, the bare minimum is a cop-out.

Regular, frequent sex is good for the body and mind. Once a week is good for the prostate? Five times a day is fucking awesome for the prostate. Once a week is good for work performance? Five times a day? Well, maybe it leaves one a little tired; but, who gives a shit. You got laid five times today.

Morning sex gets the blood flowing, energises the spirit, and helps start the day off right.

A little noon-time nookie is better than any lunch.

A romp before dinner? Builds an appetite.

After dinner? You won't need that bowl of ice cream.

Before bed? You will sleep the sleep of the dead.

And, with sex burning about 200 calories at a time, The Lifeguard sees this as a good way to burn off a cool grand a day. (Better than going to the gym. More fun than doing squat thrusts with a sweaty guy named, Ramon.)

So, you can go with Gupta (and a membership to Planet Fitness); or, with The Lifeguard (and an extra $30.00 a month to buy Vitamin E).

Your choice.

Happy New Year?

2010 Ended The Way 2011 Began... a Pol Roger fueled binge involving at least five of the women in the above picture. (The other two are not into dudes, and were having their own party in the hot tub.) The best part of the weekend (it was the weekend, right?) was that The Lifeguard was able to clear out eight of his ten 2011 resolutions. (Nine and ten are pending results of the DNA test and the arraignment on Monday, respectively.)

That having been said, The Lifeguard has resolved to make several (positive) changes to his life this coming year. (The Lifeguard knows that you don't care; but, he's going to tell you anyway.)

First, The Lifeguard will be more tolerant of stupid people. The ignorant? Not so much.

Second, The Lifeguard promises more regular postings. Really. This shit is one giant catharsis, and The Lifeguard finds it much more satisfying to post here than to ramble on to Cinnamon or Allanah. ("HA" and "NE", in the picture above. They are such nice girls, but they aren't that smart.)

Third, The Lifeguard will continue his charitable work with unwed teenage mothers. (Helping them get their start.)

Fourth, The Lifeguard will cut back on his alcohol consumption. (He learned that, "Drink Canada Dry" was an advertising slogan, not a challenge.) He'll start as soon as this Bloody Mary is finished.

And, finally, The Lifeguard will be a better friend to all. (Except those of you who really pissed off The Lifeguard in 2010.)