When The Lifeguard was in high school, there was something called "Prue's Haikus", a collection of poems following the 5/7/5 format of the traditional Japanese poem. This was followed by The Lifeguard's own, "Bob's Briefs," the poetic equivalent of tighty whiteys.
Twenty years later, Jay Nordlinger has his own, "Impromptus," in National Review Online.
And, now, The Lifeguard introduces...
Brief comments on the state of the world, the union, and life in general.
For instance, is The Lifeguard wrong for vowing to never take his nephew to the movies? What about if said nephew spends the entire movie fucking around with his iPhone? What if said nephew walks out of the movie with his pants unbuttoned and his zipper down? It would be one thing if The Lifeguard's nephew were Pee Wee Herman; but, the kid is twelve, and the movie wasn't Doing Miss Daisy, it was The Green Hornet.
Speaking of kids with high-tech electronics, why the fuck do children today need the latest and greatest? How in the Hell did civilisation survive these past few centuries? And, what will happen when China's labour-class reaches a critical mass and starts demanding more money for assembling our cell phones, MP3 players, and televisions. (Not to mention our shitty costume jewelry, light bulbs, and slutty clothing for our whores-in-training.) Yeah, the new DingleBerry makes life easier; but, do we need it? (More to the point, do we need those stupid Bluetooth devices hanging off of our ears?)
Real Housewives of Atlanta has done more to make The Lifeguard hate real housewives in Atlanta than anything the housewives could have done on their own. And, The Lifeguard remembers when "NeNe Leakes" was a venereal disease, which was treatable with penicillin and preventable with a Durex. Now, NeNe Leakes is a...well...she's not real; and, The Lifeguard questions the housewife part. But, she lives in Atlanta, so I guess one out of three ain't bad.
The Lifeguard doubts that President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) can produce a real birth certificate. The Lifeguard also believes that, three years ago, no one would have given a shit. But, once he dug in his heels, the game changed, forever. Flashbacks to when Bill Clinton wagged his bony finger at America, and denied having had sex with that woman. Dude, no one would have cared that you used her like a toilet. They cared that you lied about it. Americans are a forgiving people...if you ask.
Which reminds The Lifeguard that President Obama has risen to the highest elected office in the land in spite of being a horrible public speaker. Presidents Bush and Clinton...and Bush the Elder were weak, too. In fact, there hasn't been a decent orator since Reagan. Before him? Maybe JFK?
There is nothing worse than Dunkin' Donuts coffee...except, maybe, New Englanders who complain about snow...in January.
The Lifeguard needs a martini.