Monday, September 17, 2012

Government Motors

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Never Forget

Never Forget
What A Country
The other day, The Lifeguard was talking to his friend, J.  It seemed that reports of his demise had been greatly exaggerated; and, that he had taken up yoga as part of a drive to improve his flexibility and energy levels.

When The Lifeguard asked him why, he noted, with a wry smile, that he had been shacked up with a porn star, and that the steady diet of Viagra and Vitamin E had taken a toll on his health.

"My yoga instructor has me bending over backwards," J said.  "It's like I've found the Fountain...of Middle Age."  

"But," said J, "it gets old."

Life with a porn star can take it's toll, as The Lifeguard well knows.  One can only endure so much, and as The Lifeguard has often noted, "Show me a porn star, and The Lifeguard will show you a guy who is tired of fucking her.  And her friends.  (Often, all at the same time.)"

There is, seemingly, no downside to dating a porn star; however, it gets tiresome when your friends say, "Oooh!  I loved her work in Doing Miss Daisy."       No, a relationship is more than just threesomes, fake tits, and public fornication.  It requires conversation, mutual respect, and a connection with the other person.  (Although, the threesomes, fake tits, and public fornication don't hurt.)

So, The Lifeguard asked J what happened to the porn star.

"She ran off with my yoga instructor."

Friday, September 07, 2012

#DNC2012 Redux

"The Lifeguard Is Huge!"
Former Michigan governor, Jennifer Granholm had the kind of meltdown that General Motors and Chrysler had.  We can only hope that America doesn't have to bail her out, too.

She did, however, get one thing right.  The Lifeguard is huge.


  • Why didn't the DNC get former North Carolina senator John Edwards to channel Vice President Biden's father?  Then, we could have gotten to the bottom of the whole respect thing.
  • By the way, where was John Edwards?  Wasn't he a vice presidential candidate?
  • "SLUTS VOTE" is the best-selling button from the convention.  Huh?
  • Vice President Biden fired up the crowd, and got people salivating for Himself.  Sadly, President Obama was unable to follow Biden's opener.
  • The Lifeguard thinks that President Barack Hussein Obama (who is furiously non-Muslim) could have read the Akron, Ohio telephone book and gotten the delegates writhing in ecstasy.  
  • The Lifeguard thinks that Phil Mickelson might be more annoying than the Preezy of the Heezy.  God knows, he doesn't play as much golf as President Obama does.
  • Why didn't President Obama speak Wednesday night?  The Lifeguard thinks that the DNC should have saved President Clinton for last.  (After all, is speech is the only one that people are talking about.)
  • The unemployment numbers are about to be released.  The Lifeguard thinks that they will be good for President Obama.  (And, that they will be revised later.)  The unemployment rate falls to 8.1%.  On the face, good news for President Obama.  However, the labor participation rate is at the lowest point in a generation.  (U-6 at 14.7%)  96,000 new jobs created, but more than 350,000 people stopped looking.
  • The Lifeguard expects August unemployment rate revisions in about three months.  Say, about November 7th.
  • There isn't much to say about the president's acceptance speech.  Nothing, that is, that hasn't been said 127 times before.
  • The Lifeguard notes that recently, there has been a significant spike in readership in Afghanistan.  (Apparently, the country's one computer is getting a workout.)  The most common search?  "Hot Lesbians."
Lifeguard, out!

Wednesday, September 05, 2012


Charlotte's Web
The Democrat National Convention began in earnest, in The Queen City, Charlotte, North Carolina.  ("The Queen City" is not a reference to the DNC platform position on LGBT issues.)  Once again, The Lifeguard wades into a pool that, quite clearly, does not have enough chlorine, and which is too shallow for all of the idiots who have been diving in with reckless abandon.

In other words, it's the DNC edition of Speedos!
  • Los Angeles mayor, Antonio Villaraigosa, a Democrat, remarked of the Republicans,  “You can't just trot out a brown face or a Spanish surname and expect people are going to vote for your party or your candidate."
  • Apparently, that's why the Democrats brought out Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, the Brothers Castro, and Mrs. Obama.  
  • When The Lifeguard heard that the Castros were going to address the convention, he wondered who was going to speak first, Fidel, or Raul.
  • San Antonio mayor, Julian Castro became the first Hispanic to deliver the keynote address for the Democrats.  It sort of left The Lifeguard wondering, "Didn't the Republicans already do something like that?"
  • Mayor Castro talks about how we can't all "...go our own way."  How we need to stick with the things that unify us.  (You know, like a common language.)  Somehow, The Lifeguard thinks that Mayor Castro is just fine when it comes to holding on to the language of one's ancestors, even if that divides us as a nation.
  • The Lifeguard must admit that Mrs. Obama, who holds the full-time, unpaid job as First Lady of the United States, has finally gotten her arms in shape.  
  • The Lifeguard must also admit that he threw up in his mouth when he heard that being first lady was a full-time, unpaid job.
  • If a Republican said what Mayor Villaraigosa said, he (or she) would be pilloried in the press.  And yet, isn't that what the Democrats do?  All of the time.
  • America's debt topped $16 trillion.  That got about as much press as Mayor Villaraigosa's comment.
  • The First Lady's speech was...okay.  About like Mrs. Romney's speech a week before.  (But, since Mrs. Obama doesn't have a dressage horse, the media thinks that she relates better to the American public.)
  • Isn't anyone bothered at all of the Hitler references being made by Democrats?  Anyone?
  • If The Lifeguard compared Mrs. Obama to...say...Eva Peron, would people get all bat shit about it?
  • Evita's dress was made by Tracy Reese.  Good luck buying it for $395.00.
  • The same article compares Evita to Katniss Everdeen. 
  • The Lifeguard thinks that political conventions would have way more viewers if every delegation sent one male and one female, as tribute.  Then, the winner from each party could fight to the death.  It would show that we, as a nation, were pretty fucking tough.
That's all for now. 

Peace, y'all!