Whitney Houston...still dead.

And I Will Always Love You

WhitneyHouston, pop-music icon died after years of drug use.  (Whitney didn’t abuse drugs, she flat out used the shit out of them.)

At the direction of Governor Chris Christie, all of the flags in New Jersey, her home state, will fly at half-mast.  (Similarly, Frank Sinatra and Clarence Clemons got the same honour.)  Her funeral will be streamed, live, on the internet.  The music world will mourn her passing for years to come.

For The Lifeguard, the biggest surprise in the story is that Tyler Perry has his own mother-humping plane.

What happens if he catches him?

Joseph Kennedy III to Run For Barney Frank's Seat...

Given Hot Bottom's age, I don't think he'll have to run that fast.

Speedos!

We Need Another Republican Debate
It's getting pretty hard to be funny when The Lifeguard has a shortage of material.

Wait!  There is no shortage of material, just a lazy Lifeguard, languishing in the lap of luxury, laughing at little lies of the Left, large ladies, and lastly, liberal lunacy.

• Chicago, it was recently discovered, is the most corrupt city in America.  Okay, who didn't know that?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Seriously, the Windy City is already the punchline for any joke about political corruption.  Even the dead people who voted for President Obama in 2008 know that Chicago is a mess.
• Speaking of President Obama (the man who ousted Gaddafi, killed bin Laden, and stopped the rise of the world's oceans), his most recent accomplishments appear to be an 83% rise in gas prices since taking office, a massive investment in America's green energy companies, and a nearly-nuclear Iran.  The only thing he hasn't done is propose reducing America's own nuclear arsenal by 80%.  
• Nuclear weapons, in the right hands, are a great deterrent to the tyranny of other nations.  (Let's see, it's been about 67 years since anyone has used a nuke.  Sounds like it just might be working.)  Iran, however, does not have the right hands.  Any culture, built on the callous disregard of human life (and the promises of 72 Virginians in Paradise) should probably not be in Club Nuke.  
• Rick Santorum is surging.  Mitt Romney is drifting.  Newt is done.  Ron Paul is still bugfuck crazy.
• Speaking of the race for the Republican nomination, would we really want people to Google "President Santorum"?
• A Greek newspaper depicted German chancellor, Angela Merkel, in a Nazi uniform.  Just because Merkel wants the Greeks to get their financial house in order, she's a Nazi?  Hey, here's an idea.  Rather than worry about Greece (and their economic situation), the rest of the EU should simply not travel to Greece.  (It's old, dirty, and filled with Greeks.)  Rather, those Euros wanting a Greek vacation should travel to Disney World's Epcot Centre.  Greek food, pleasant weather, nearby beaches, and no signs written in funny letters.  Plus, Tarpon Springs has the largest population of Americans of Greek descent, so it's a win-win.
• The Lifeguard recently watched the excellent Good Guys Wear Black.  Chuck Norris has one of the most luxurious moustaches in the history of cinema.
• President Obama spent Valentine's Day dining with the First Lady.  At an expensive D.C. restaurant. Because he's the Leader of the Free World, bitches.
• The Lifeguard spent Valentine's Day with the Swedish women's soccer team.  (They wanted to work on ball-handling.  The Lifeguard helped them out with that.)
• Zurich, Switzerland is the most expensive city in the world to live.  (Keeps out the riff-raff.)
• Post Office closings are bad?  The Lifeguard was recently in the local PO to pick up some stamps.  There was no counter attendant, so he rang the bell (as instructed by the sign).  After three minutes (of listening to two postal workers talking about something other than getting The Lifeguard his stamps), he rang again.  Another two minutes passed before the attendant rudely announced that she'd be with The Lifeguard "...in a minute."  Finally--fully seven minutes into the endeavour--The Lifeguard shelled out his $45.00 for a coil of stamps.  With that kind of service, it's no wonder the Post Office is such a mess.  (And, it's a great surprise that The Lifeguard didn't get shot by the angry worker.)

All right, y'all.  That is all...for now.

Black History Month Remembers...

Whitney Houston

Pop-music icon, Whitney Houston is, as of this writing, still dead.

She remains dead, along with Osama bin Laden, Princess Diana, and General Ulysses S. Grant.

Kevin Costner, The Bodyguard, has been summoned for questioning.

HFWTFMF?!? Part Deux

She's Not A Man

The Lifeguard wants to know why the most militantly pro-abortion women are the ones that The Lifeguard doesn't want to fuck.

HFWTFMF?!?

Mama Told Me To Never Trust A Woman With A "First-To-Third" Comb-Over

Even when she thinks abortion is a blessing.  

Wait!  What?  Did The Lifeguard read that correctly?  "Abortion is a blessing."

The Lifeguard is, for once, speechless.

Oh, baby!

Ann Coulter Can Only Look To The Heavens As She Describes The Lifeguard

She kept screaming, "Thank you, Jesus!"

Maybe because she was excited that The Lifeguard had come.  Or, that he had risen.  (And, she didn't even have to wait three days.)

HFWTFMF?!?

Prime Time Television

The Lifeguard was in the middle of watching some college basketball...while having sex with a college girl.  (Ever the considerate lover, The Lifeguard was doing her doggy-style so she could watch the game as well.)  

And then, there was a television time-out (and commercial) for...Plan B. 

Now, fucking up won't have any consequences.

Hate!

Valentine's Day Is Coming

And, The Lifeguard wants to suggest a few gifts that you, dear reader, should avoid.  Like the plague.  Like Michelle Obama, in a McDonald's, on Free French Fry Day.  Like a group of students at UMass-Amherst, if you are wearing a New York Giants jersey.

First, any bouquet of flowers that has carnations, or a rainbow theme.  The Lifeguard is not big on flowers on Valentine's Day.  (The Lifeguard is still wearing the horse collar from Valentine's Days past when he gave women flowers...and got...heartache.)  But, The Lifeguard's travails notwithstanding, The Lifeguard notes that no woman wants to get a shitty vase filled with shitty multi-coloured flowers at her workplace.  Especially if they come from a place like ProFlowers.  Seriously, dude, the last thing you need if you want to get laid on Valentine's Day (or, any other day, for that matter) is to have your girlfriend get some crappy buds from some internet florist.  Not only will it look like you picked them up from the homeless guy on the corner, every last woman in her office will be abuzz with the fact that you spent $19.95 for a last minute gift.

Second, pajamas.  If you buy from Victoria's Secret, you'll seem presumptuous (or desperate).  If you buy on-line, you're getting flannel, footie pajamas, or both.  Sure, you'll have spent five times as much as you did for the crappy flowers; but, you're still not getting laid.

Third, a star.  Does The Lifeguard need to even say more about this?

If you stay away from this shit, you might stand a chance at making it to February 15th with a girlfriend.  If you don't, you're going to need some lotion and a box of Kleenex.