Wednesday, October 26, 2011

More proof that The Lifeguard is the 0.00001%

The Lifeguard Took A Steam With The Godfather
Now, The Godfather is talking about the experience.

Not in a gay way.  Rather, like a viking.

We're Already Doing This...

It's Called The Border Fence.
In perhaps the greatest show of distaste for the hoi polloi...ever, the government of Rio de Janeiro is building walls around the shantytowns that mar the city's southern districts. The efforts will allow for easier control of drugs and violence within those precincts.

You know, sort of like when the Nazis put the Jews in ghettos to make it easier to control that population.

Kiss and tell...

German Chancellor, Angela Merkel Gives It Away...
The Lifeguard has talent.

It's like (more) rain on your wedding day.

"It's Frickin' Freezing in Here."
The December weather in New England is pretty typical of, well, New England in December. And, The Lifeguard has been hearing the usual complaints from the merry band of freaks and retards who don't grasp the concept of life in a northern town.

In most regions, it gets warm in the spring, hot in the summer, cooler in the fall, and cold in the winter. In some places, there is actually snow, and people are expected to drive in the fluffy white stuff. An elementary knowledge of geology--or, the ability to read a newspaper--should be able to figure out the weather patterns for their area.

Just the other day, a man (from El Salvador) said, "Ees cold here."

"No shit, sunshine," replied The Lifeguard. "But, it's probably warm where you come from."

Well, not if that "where" is Cancun, which had record-low temperatures...and a global warming conference.


What Are They Thinking?
The Lifeguard recently took his spawn (and their friends) to the movies. This gave The Lifeguard an opportunity to engage in a little sociology experiment entitled, "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?"

Not only did The Lifeguard see a wide range of young tramps, dressed in their streetwalker best; but, it seemed that each and every one of these girls was texting up a storm. In fact, The Lifeguard is quite certain that all of the dialogue amongst friends was by way of text message. Is it any wonder that the youth of America are falling further and further behind the rest of the world.

Indeed, when The Lifeguard receives e-mails, rife with spelling and grammatical errors, along with a diet of "r u still doing this?" the chance of the survival of the human race becomes even more problematic.

For Once...

The Lifeguard Agrees
Nation of Islam leader, Louis Farrakhan believes that the United States screwed the pooch relative to Libya.

With the involvement of NATO (and the United States), a power vacuum has been created in the oil-rich North African country, and we are without a reliable means of salvaging anything good out of the morass.

Sure, Colonel Qaddafi was a murderous dictator; but, there needed to be closure.  His murder, at the hands of a rebel fighter does little to enhance America's standing in this nation.  There was no justice, as in the case of Saddam Hussein (who received a trial before his execution); and, there will certainly be some backlash as the video of his death becomes the latest YouTube sensation.

Even Amnesty International was aghast at the treatment received by Colonel Qaddafi.  (You know things are a mess when The Lifeguard, Louis Farrakhan, and Amnesty International are all on the same page.)  News that Qaddafi was sodomised with a knife demonstrates, with greater clarity, the type of people who will fill the leadership in Libya.

Sure, "God is great"; but, doesn't it make one wonder what kind of god accepts this kind of praise?  Doesn't it make one wonder about a god who's law--Sharia--tolerates mistreatment of women and other religions?

The Lifeguard notes that while Qaddafi was a cruel and vicious despot, he was entitled to the kinds of protections that the Geneva Convention mandates--and which the Coalition forces gave to Saddam Hussein.  (The shooting of Osama bin Laden does not fall in the same category--in the event that you believe that The Lifeguard is being inconsistent--since he was not the recognised head of a government.)

So, as Libya moves from an uneasy stability to what will, no doubt, become a violent civil war, The Lifeguard thanks President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ("We came, we saw, he died.") for creating one more hot spot in a world that is moved by religious fanaticism and hatred for Western values.

The Lifeguard is the 0.00001%

Boredom Led The Lifeguard To OWS
Boredom and a wicked jones for smelly, hairy hippie chicks.  

So, The Lifeguard put on his 501s and a MorganStanley T-shirt, grabbed a gross of condoms, and a bottle of whisky and headed to the Big Apple.

Not only did The Lifeguard find a group of unwashed, clueless tool bags, he also found more action than a Las Vegas casino.  Thousands of women, just hoping to get back at the Tea Bagging Man (which, ironically, happened to be The Lifeguard).  Seriously, The Lifeguard hasn't seen such easy pickings since that Pro-Abortion rally in 2009.

Women with no clue about the ways of the world, other than the fact that daddy pays their tuition at NYU; and, that their platinum AmEx works when they swipe it at Starbucks or that sweet little SoHo boutique.  Women who wear V masks and talk dirty following the sublime foreplay that is making a clever protest sign and joining in a rousing chorus of "Fuck The USA!"

Morons that think that college tuition should be free (so daddy can have an extra $50K to spend on summers in The Hamptons and a new Benz) and that everyone should get $18.00 an hour, whether they work or not.

Fuckwits that blame the GOP, even as President Obama collects more money from Wall Street than any other president.  Idiots who believe that capitalism is bad, and that America is a horrible country.  Dopes who don't understand that if they were in Syria, Iran, or Libya, they'd be arrested for their views.

Fucktards that scream for repeal of Taft-Hartley and the unionisation of all workers.  Demands for open borders (so that the dopes protesting at Liberty Square will be assured that there are no jobs for them) and a retirement age of 55.  (Of course, the retirement age will be moot, since there will be no jobs from which to retire.)

Lowering the age of majority to 16.  (Wait!  The Lifeguard can get behind that one, since he is pretty sure that the last threesome included at least one high  school girl.)  

This, of course, begs the question as to whether or not the 16 year olds will be able to vote.  (The Lifeguard is pretty sure that President Obama--who remains non-Muslim--would like to count on a cadre of idiotic teens in his re-election campaign.)

While it is interesting to note the engagement of the so-called 99%, The Lifeguard would be thrilled to see their efforts turned to more productive pursuits.  (Like personal hygiene and trash removal.)

There were drugs.  There was drinking.  There was screaming.  There was sex.  (Oh, yes, there was sex.)

So, as the cold weather arrives, The Lifeguard is going in search of shared bodily warmth and screaming...but not "Fuck the USA."

Thursday, October 13, 2011


Debate This!

Another Republican debate happened this week, bringing to 400 the number of debates held this pre-election season (and zero, the number The Lifeguard has watched).  The chattering skulls pronounced Mitt Romney to be the winner, and putative front-runner for the Republican nomination.  The polls show The Godfather, Herman Cain, to be in a statistical dead heat with the governor with great hair.

This has prompted The Lifeguard to analyse the candidates, and to offer some thoughts on the relative merits of each and every man and woman seeking the Republican nomination.  (Actually, The Lifeguard will probably only offer his thoughts on a few of them, since The Lifeguard doesn’t really care…yet.)

Although, with the First in the Nation New Hampshire primary a mere two days away, it seems as though The Lifeguard might need to start paying attention.  (Of course, it is New Hampshire, and who gives a shit what they think?)

So, let’s look at the candidates.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann:  She’s attractive.  She’s a former tax attorney.  She’s out.  Fifty percent of America’s voters will never vote for a woman (as evidenced by the fact that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton didn’t get the nomination in 2008, and she was far more qualified that either President Obama or Representative Bachmann).  Plus, she's (ever-so-slightly) insane.

Newt Gingrich:  He’s the smartest guy in the race.  He’d make a great president.  But, he’s Newt.  People will remember his mother calling Hillary! a bitch.  More people will remember his serial marriages, his Contract with America, and the fact that he was the face of the evil Republican Congress that shut down the government during the Clinton Administration.  (Of course, the government shutdown was a net gain for America, since nothing bad happened, and we were able to gain a temporary handle on our fiscal house.)

Rick Santorum:  Former conservative senator and lawyer.  He is also a bright guy, but he is a loser.  He lost a senate campaign—as an incumbent—and therefore is disqualified.  Plus, senators make shitty presidents. 

Governor Rick Perry:  He has done some great work as the Governor of Texas, but he is too slick (in a Governor Mike Huckabee sort of way).  Plus, America is not ready for another former Texas governor.  No way, no how.

Next up, the front-runners…

See y’all tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

The Audacity of the Dope...

No Wonder She Shops At Target
If The Lifeguard had charged the American people over $425,000.00 (for airfare) to travel to Africa, he'd shop at Target too.  (Actually, The Lifeguard wouldn't shop at Target.  Instead, he'd purchase his safari-wear at Orvis or Cabela's.)

Not only did the First Lady--who has incredibly toned arms--take her mother, a niece and nephew, and her two daughters (who were listed on the flight manifest as "senior staff") on this Dark Continent boondoggle, she managed to take in a safari and meet Nelson Mandela, too.   All at a time when the US economy is struggling and millions remain unemployed (or underemployed).  At the very least, she could have flown commercial, chartered a jet, or simply stayed at home.

The Lifeguard reckons that the guilt of having given the American people the finger may have evoked some guilt in the First Lady, thus prompting her to shop at Target.