Sunday, December 30, 2007

The New England Patriots joined the Miami Dolphins and the Chicago Bears as the only three teams to complete regular season play with no losses.

This is an amazing accomplishment, and the Patriots deserve kudos from The Lifeguard, a life-long Miami Dolphins fan. It has been thirty five years since a team made it through unscathed; and, it may be another thirty five years before another team does it.

However, the 1972 Dolphins are unique--they went wire-to-wire without losing a game. And, they did it without their starting QB (Earl Morrall took over after Bob Greise was injured). Could the Patriots have won 16 without Tom Brady? And, the Dolphins, though playing the easiest NFL schedule in years, won with a pounding ground assault and a smothering defence.
Also, the Dolphins were not fined a total of $750,000.00 for breaking NFL rules. (Some argue that happened in 1970.)

So, congratulations to the pink-hat wearing Patriot Nation. But, before you start crowing about matching the accomplishments of the 1972 Dolphins, win the Super Bowl. Otherwise, shut the fuck up!

Thursday, December 27, 2007


Fans and supporters of Hillary! were pissed that this picture appeared in the newspaper. Pissed because it showed Hillary! as she is--an older woman.

Immediately, her advocates screamed, "Foul!" They claimed sexism, agism, and the natural prejudice against people who look like they went twelve rounds with Floyd Mayweather.

The fact remains, however, that Hillary! has been spending a lot of time on defence. Defence of her record (or lack thereof), her life choices, and her campaign strategy.

The saddest part, however, is that this picture forces Hillary! to deal with the 900 pound elephant in the room. Wait, bad analogy, since elephants are fat, wrinkled and grey.

The saddest part is that Hillary! is now forced to confront the one thing that she wanted to avoid. That she is a woman. This is difficult for the candidate for whom her sex was irrelevant (except for when it wasn't).

When one enters the race for President (or attains the office), and allows access to the media, a person must certainly expect that at least one unflattering picture will make the front page (or The Drudge Report). It happened to Governor Michael S. Dukakis (tank shot), to Senator John Forbes Kerry (D-MA, in the clean suit), to former President George H.W. Bush (at the supermarket checkout), or to President George W. Bush (after choking on a pretzel, crashing his mountain bike, or reading to kids as Islamic terrorists flew airplanes into the World Trade Center).

So, while Hillary! would like us to believe that she is judged by different standards than every other man in the race, she is not. The photographers are feeding the hungry maw of the 24 hour media beast. Any chance to show our heroes (and politicians) in an unfavourable light will be leapt at, like a Siberian Tiger attacking a taunt-hurling patron of the San Francisco Zoo.

And, while some might see it as sexist, realise that the old adage about staying out of the kitchen if you can not stand the heat is more true today than at any other time.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas!

The Lifeguard wishes you and yours a very Merry Christmas.

I hope that Santa Claus brings you--and yours--all that you have wished for tomorrow.

Most of all, I pray for peace and joy in the New Year, and for the safe return of all our nation's men and women serving in the military.

The Sailor's Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, the ship was out steaming,
Sailors stood watch while others were dreaming.

They lived in a crowd with racks tight and small,
In a 80-man berthing, cramped one and all.

I had come down the stack with presents to give,
And to see inside just who might perhaps live.

I looked all about, a strange sight did I see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.

No stockings were hung, shined boots close at hand,
On the bulkhead hung pictures of a far distant land.

They had medals and badges and awards of all kind,
And a sober thought came into my mind.

For this place was different, so dark and so dreary,
I had found the house of a Sailor, at once I saw clearly.

A Sailor lay sleeping, silent and alone,
Curled up in a rack and dreaming of home.

The face was so gentle, the room squared away,
This was the United States Sailor today.

This was the hero I saw on TV,
Defending our country so we could be free.

I realized the families that I would visit this night,
Owed their lives to these Sailors lay willing to fight.

Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grownups would celebrate on Christmas Day.

They all enjoyed freedom each day of the year,
Because of the Sailor, like the one lying here.

I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas Eve on a sea, far from home.

The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.

The Sailor awakened and I heard a calm voice,
"Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice."

"Defending the seas all days of the year,
So others may live and be free with no fear."

I thought for a moment, what a difficult road,
To live a life guided by honor and code.

After all it's Christmas Eve and the ship's underway!
But freedom isn't free and it's sailors who pay.

The Sailor says to our country "be free and sleep tight,
No harm will come, not on my watch and not on this night.

The Sailor rolled over and drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.

I kept watch for hours, so silent, so still,
I watched as the Sailor shivered from the night's cold chill.

I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night,
This guardian of honor so willing to fight.

The Sailor rolled over and with a voice strong and sure,
Commanded, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas, and All is Secure!"*

*Author unknown.

Sunday, December 23, 2007


In the event that people think that The Lifeguard is some sort of Neanderthal (which, frankly, I take as a compliment), check this shit out:

On December 19th, I noted that a vote for Hillary! was a vote for energy independence (because liposuctioning her ass-fat would create more oil than the Prudhoe Bay find of 1968).

Saturday, Hillary! proclaimed that "...electing her President will cut the price of oil."

She went on to say something about alternative fuels (bio diesel made from her ass-fat?) and a reduction of America's dependence on foreign oil.

Score one more for The Lifeguard.


In a recent revelation, it was learned that the grisly deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were not hits by Colombian drug lords; but, rather, an honour killing by a convert to the so-called "Religion of Peace."

That's his story, and he's sticking to it. Or, it should be his story.

It seems that the religion, whose fanatics we are battling in The War Against Terror, love to mistreat women, because they are...well...women. (In a side note, former President Clinton is trying to prove that someone...anyone...banged Hillary! Then, he could have her killed, to preserve the honour of the only elected US President to be impeached. After all, he feels right at home in the Muslim world, so moving to Dubai would be A-OK with him.)

If your daughter goes out without her hijab, strangle her. If your son fucks a girl from another tribe, someone gets to gang-rape his sister. Leave your husband because he beats the shit out of you, kill her for causing shame. After all, we need to protect the honour of the family. Strangely, though, fucking a goat (or a camel)--or blowing yourself to bits--doesn't seem to cause all that many problems for you or your family.

Strangely, however, there are folks that don't have a problem with this, mainly because they don't want to impose their morality on anyone. They don't want a backwards-thinking religion to feel like there is anything wrong with wanting to mistreat Christians and Jews, gang-rape or stone women, or live in the ninth century.

So, if OJ wants to get right with Allah
, then he should say that he converted to Islam. Everyone would accept that. Jail-house conversion, and all. Then, he could come out with the truth. He killed Nicole because she was with Ron, on her porch, without her hijab. And, since she was uncovered, and he was a Jew, the killing gets the imprimatur of the Mullahs.

My advice for MOJhammed: Pack your shit--including your sticks--and move to Tehran. You would be a fucking god. They might even get your Heisman Trophy back.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

"I'd vote for her."
Senator Hillary! (D-NY), the not-so-front-runner has just learned that she may well have the upper hand in the 2008 Presidential race. As a consequence of environmental researchers having nothing better to do, they have learned that liposuctioned fat can be converted to bio diesel. No shit.

In fact, one of Hillary!'s supporters*, Pete Bethune hopes to skipper his (ugly) powerboat, Earthrace on a carbon-neutral circumnavigation, courtesy of bio diesel, some of which was squeezed from fat folks. In fact, enough bio diesel was produced from just three people--Bethune and two others--to make the vessel travel 15km.

Which brings us back to Hillary!

Wait, a gratuitous fat joke at Christmas? No, I couldn't do that. Too mean.

I mean, really, it would be too easy to say that Hillary!'s ass would be the biggest oil find since Prudhoe Bay. And, what of Oprah's endorsement of Obama? Really, she's gotta be worth an ass load (no pun intended) of liposuctioned fat that could be made into fuel. Or John Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth Edwards? She's dying, but what the hell. Her husband has thrown her under the bus already. Why not just render her and put her in the bus. New Mexico's governor, Bill Richardson is kinda chunky...and he used to be Secretary of Energy. He's a lock.

Then, I started thinking. What about that gaseous turd, Senator Edward M. Kennedy? No wind farm in your backyard? Well, then. How about we lipo your fat ass and power a few tanks. Or better yet, he could donate his lard to Joe "For Oil" Kennedy, to keep the old folks warm.

Senator Charles "Putzhead" Schumer (D-NY)? Senator Arlen "Douchebag" Specter(D-PA)? Maybe they aren't that fat; but, the lard between their ears would make a nice lamp oil.

In fact, there is so much fat--and fat-headedness--in Congress that the real energy bill should have required that every senator and representative be liposuctioned; then, every man, woman and child with a BMI over 30.

This is huge! This is like knobbin' two birds with one connie. (Thanks, Ali G!) The solution to obesity and energy dependence, all in one neat package.

So, truck your fat ass down to the doctor and tell them that you want to do your part for the environment...and to make America energy independent.

Or, call 1-866-ASS2OIL.

Your children's future depends upon it.

*As far as I know, he's not really a Hillary! supporter. Just a whacko.

Thursday, December 13, 2007


I am not a fan of the New England Patriots. I don't have the visceral hatred for them that my friend, S. (a Duke Divinity School student) had for the Carolina Tarheels basketball team ("I say a prayer every night that Dean Smith and the Carolina basketball team will perish in a fiery bus crash."). Nor do I have the feelings that most Red Sox fans have about the New York Yankees.

I respect Bill Belichick as a great coach; and, this Patriots team as a true dynasty. Even with the 2007 New England Patriots flirting with perfection, poised to unseat my (1972) Miami Dolphins as the only team to have a perfect season, I can say that this is one amazing team. And, as much as I liked Dan Marino as a QB, I think Tom Brady might just be the best quarterback...ever.

I like the fact that the Pats pull no punches when they play. No margin of victory is too large; no lead is large enough. They roll over teams like shit goes through a goose. Just the way that it should be.

And, when people complain about the Pats running up the score, I say, "Fuck off!" Like I noted above, no lead is large enough, no margin of victory is too large. Blow the doors off of the other teams, I don't care. I know that what goes around, comes around. I remember when the Pats were the laughingstock of the NFL (not unlike my Dolphins are now). I also respect the fact that, for the most part, the fans of the lousy Patriots stuck with them (like my cousin, T).

What, however, I can not understand is the reaction, by fans of the Pats, to the so-called "Spy-Gate" morass.

"Everyone does it." (Just like people said, of impeached President Bill Clinton, "Every president gets a blow job from a chunky intern in the Oval Office.")

"They (who the fuck is 'they'?) just want to get even with the Patriots for being so good."

"The NFL wants to protect the 1972 Dolphins." (This is one of the more bizarre comments that I have heard. What the hell does the NFL get for protecting the 35 year old record of an average team that won with a great defence, a grinding offence, and a lot of luck?)

The fact remains, gentle readers, that not every team does it, at least not so openly, from the sidelines. Cameras hidden in the stands? Maybe. End zones? Definitely. In fact, the NFL requires that home clubs "...provide visiting clubs with equal vantage points for the taping of games." (Boston Herald, p. 71, 13.12.2007)

And, the Patriots had at least one (and maybe two) chances to cut the shit. The Jets (and head coach, Eric Mangini) reported the Patriots to the NFL for taping their signals during a September 17, 2006 game. The Jets didn't have the camera confiscated, so they had no evidence of the Patriots' cheating. At least one other team failed to gather physical evidence of the taping during the 2006-2007 season; and, undaunted, the Patriots continued filming from the sidelines.

Then, at the 2007-2008 season opener, at the Meadowlands, the Jets hammered the Patriots, getting Matt Estrella's camera, and the tape. As a consequence, Belichick, was fined five hundred thousand ($500,000.00) dollars; the team a cool quarter mill and the loss of some draft picks. (The NFL couldn't forfeit the game
because there was no way to make things right with the sports book if they did.) As of right now, there will be no asterisk (*); but, look for Mark Ecko to press for one if the Pats remain perfect.

Which brings us to this weekend, at Gillette Stadium (in beautiful Foxborough, Massachusetts). The Jets come to town, hoping to survive the ass-whipping that the Patriots will surely be planning. Mangini hopes to make it out alive. The bookies hope that the Pats cover the 23 1/2 point spread.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Question: Which Clinton Has Been With More Black Women Than Barack?

If this were a story about Hillary!, it might be news. Unfortunately (for Hillary!), it is about former Co-President William Jefferson Clinton.

Indeed, that great sucking sound you hear is Bill getting all of the press, while his wife, Hillary! stews and makes shrill cackling noises. Oh, and while she stands by her man (who is, undoubtedly, the biggest political rock star ever).

Andrew Young, former Atlanta mayor, UN Ambassador, and civil rights icon, speaking in an online interview, noted that Hillary! "...has her husband behind her, and that Bill is every bit as black as Barack (who isn't very black)."

Young went on to say, "[Bill] has probably gone with more black women than Barack."

What a bunch of racist Bravo Sierra. Really, the only thing that could have made these comments more offensive to blacks and women would have been for Young to say that "...Hillary! had Jungle Fever when she married Bill"; and, "...that it was too bad that Bill had to marry a fat-assed white woman, when there were so many fine sisters out there."

Of course, my hope is that Andrew Young has a daughter, and that Bill shagged her rotten while he was waiting to go on-stage.

At least Senator B. Hussein Obama married a black woman. Hell, that should be worth all of the votes of all of the black women. After all, he's good enough for Oprah.

The thing that I find so funny is that Bill has probably been with more white women than Barack, too. In fact, Bill is probably giving (the late) Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain a run for his money. And, even funnier...if Hillary! gets elected, and she sends Bill off as a "Roving Ambassador Without Portfolio", it is almost guaranteed that he will go with more black women in his first week on the job than Barack has in his lifetime.

Then, what will Andrew Young say?
Tasteless Costume...

But if she had been a Muslim student, named Saad Saadi; and, was at another Pennsylvania university, all would be forgotten.

This chick goes to a party, dressed as a Virginia Tech student, and people are pissed. A swarthy Mediterranean type goes to a party dressed as a suicide bomber and he gets his picture taken with the president of the university.

The fact remains that if someone chooses to go to a costume party dressed as a minstrel singer (complete with black face), or as a Nazi, people will be screaming from the rooftops for their heads. The world has gone absolutely bugfuck crazy, and has lost all sense of decorum.

Either anything goes, costume-wise; or, we proscribe displays of free speech.

The principal difference between the hot chick and the suicide bomber is that the president of Penn State was smart enough to stay the fuck away from her (and any cameras that might have been in the room). I didn't fault Saad for his costume, I faulted President Gutmann for being such a fucktard.

Maybe the other difference is that the elites in the media were more likely to have gone to UPenn than to Penn State, so they are just a little willing to look the other way.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Never Forget...

Today is the 66th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbour. The Lifeguard encourages everyone to say a prayer for those lost on that lazy Sunday morning, and to remember that to ensure the peace, we must remain ever vigilant. To ensure the peace, we must always be prepared for war.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

The Power Of Prayer...

I was chatting with my friend, J, this morning. He asked me what I thought about the Briton who went to prison for naming a bear Mohammed. I told him that I thought that it was absolutely insane that naming a Teddy Bear "Mohammed" was considered an insult, especially in light of the fact that these same sword-wielding camel-humpers think that it is an honour to the Prophet to name your future suicide bomber Mohammed.

J proceeded to tell me about his multi-cultural moment, at a local parking garage, where the attendant had strolled over to a handicapped space to pray.

J and his son, walking to the stairs from their car saw the gent spread out his prayer rug, after confirming that it was facing Mecca. ("Get-a, get-a, get-a Garmin.) They stopped, watching him prostrate himself, then listening to his prayers.

After a moment, J's son said, "Dad, I hope that fuckin' carpet doesn't take off on him."
Movie Starring Nicole Kidman Opens Friday...

That is all. Just a lame excuse to post a picture of Nicole Kidman.

Senator Hillary! (D-NY) came out swinging, suggesting that Senator B. Hussein Obama (D-IL) has "...too little experience and...too much ambition."

Isn't that the proverbial pot calling the

The funny thing is that neither Clinton, nor Obama, have any experience as a chief executive (notwithstanding Hillary!'s stint as co-president). Neither possess a record, to speak of. Neither has distinguished themselves by anything other than their endorsements (Oprah, Barbra, David, and Rob). They both, however, possess an assload of ambition.

And, my friends, ambition is no basis for electing someone, anyone, to any office.

Frankly, I find Hillary! to be too divisive (you think GWB has divided this nation?) and too poll-driven, to be an effective president. And, she's already said that she is sending her husband, the only elected president to be impeached, off on an ambassadorial mission (where he, no doubt, will be getting more ass than a toilet seat), so she loses an effective advisor.

B. Hussein Obama, on the other hand, has no fucking clue. He did nothing as a state senator (from Hillary!'s Illinois); and, he has done nothing as a US Senator (which might, in fact, be a blessing).

So, with fewer than 70 days until the first caucus, expect the shit to fly.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

"Call me Mohammed!"

In a rational response to a Briton naming the classroom Teddy Bear, Mohammed, the camel-humping, sheet-wearing, bath-eschewing Muslims of The Sudan took to the streets to protest the lenient sentence given to Gillian Gibbons, a well-meaning Briton.
Sword-waving Yassin Mubarak raged: “What she did requires her life to be taken.” Others demanded an even more severe punishment.

This highlights several points.

First, what in the name of all that is holy is Yassin Mubarak doing with a sword? Last I checked, this is the twenty-first century. Civilised, rational people don't take to the streets with swords.

Second, is Islam even a real religion? These people speak in terms of a powerful and gracious god; and, yet, they do everything possible to make the outside world think of them as murderous crackpots and practitioners of some illegitimate cult that demands stupidity and violence as the ticket to Paradise.

A woman travels to a Third World backwater to try to teach children--a selfless and gracious act--and for her trouble, she is sentenced to fifteen days in prison for her faux pas. All because she insulted their precious prophet. If Mohammed were worth his salt, he'd take the fact that the Teddy Bear was named for him as a compliment; or, at the very least, an attempt at a compliment. Instead, Mohammed (who is still dead), through an angry mob, gets pissed. Would Jesus do that? Buddha? Hell, even Shiva would take this in stride. Of course, in most Muslim countries, naming a Teddy Bear for the Son of Man would probably lead to an even more severe punishment than Ms. Gibbons has received.

Third, Ms. Gibbons was dimed out by Sarah Khawad, a pissy co-worker of hers. As a result of Ms. Khawad's telephone call, Ms. Gibbons ultimately ended up in a horrific prison, with conditions that would make the Hanoi Hilton or Abu Ghraib look positively heavenly.

As an aside, it is queer that the left (e.g., the UN, the Third World, and Senator Edward M. Kennedy) derides America (and her allies) as ghastly for our treatment of terror suspects and unlawful combatants; and, yet, they do little (or nothing) to effect a change in Cuba, Venezuela, Iran, or any other anti-Western state.

We hold the UN and the Geneva Conventions up as paragons of morality, but don't complain when the Third World ignores them. The Iraq War is unlawful (some say); but, these same people are willing to look the other way at (the late) Saddam Hussein's violation of a Cease Fire (and seventeen UN Resolutions). Zimbabwe's President, Robert Mugabe, is a darling of the left even though he has destroyed the Zimbabwean economy, while creating a new form of Apartheid. The late Yasser Arafat (of PLO fame) was given billions for his people; but, no one complained too loudly when he pocketed most of the dough (and gave the rest to his cronies). And, for the record, he did pretty poorly by his constituents, given that most still languish in refugee camps.

Finally, doesn't this insanity demonstrate the fatal flaw with our approach to Radical Islam? I am not proposing a modern Crusade; but, it seems pretty clear that the practitioners of the so-called Religion of Peace can not get along with anyone, not even their co-religionists. Sunnis kill Shiites. Shiites and Sunnis kill Christians and Jews. They do this, with the imprimatur of their religious leaders, because it is good to kill the infidel (and other Muslims who don't agree with the sword-wielding dopes of a given sect).

Any religion worth anything would be tolerant. Instead, the Muslims are afraid. Very afraid. Why else would martyrdom operations (i.e., murder/suicides) be so prevalent in the Muslim world (and places where the West seeks to foster and grow democratically elected governments)? Why else would the murder of innocents be applauded? Why else would people be converted by the sword? Why else would those wishing to leave Islam be guilty of apostasy (and subject to the death penalty)? Why else would rape victims be flogged (or put to death)? What kind of religion treats women as second-class citizens? Why else would non-Muslims be barred from entering Mecca?

We, as civilised people, need to understand that we are fighting a group of poor, illiterate, unwashed morons who are more interested in 72 Virginians in Paradise than peaceful co-existence. We are battling people who saw off the heads of Westerners for shits and giggles, and who believe that flying innocent-laden jet-liners into buildings makes for good public relations.

This is why Israel fights. This is why we are in Iraq and Afghanistan. This is why we must elect Republicans (or, at the very least, not any Democrats) here at home; and why we must support our allies abroad. Sure, President George W. Bush has made mistakes; but, a lack of concern for the disenfranchised is not one of them.

And, this is why The Lifeguard is never going to The Sudan.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Fucking Republicans...

I just watched former governor, Mike Dukakis (D-MA) (and punchline to many jokes) blame Republicans (and former President George H.W. Bush) for Willie Horton. And, by extension, the fact that he is a washed-up little douche bag, pontificating on what might have been. What might have been had he not furloughed the murderer. Not had Neil Diamond's awful "Coming to America" as his theme song. Not gotten into that tank.

Really, not a single Republican would have furloughed Horton, a convicted murderer, serving a life sentence. Most Democrats would have let Horton rot in jail (until they commuted his sentence because he was black/abused as a child/gay/a sex-addict/a drug addict/a registered Democrat). And, strangely enough, it was not a Republican that first raised the issue of the Greek midget's Achilles Heel.

It was the Nobel Prize winning, Oscar garnering, rock star loving, drug-using son supporting former Veep, Albert Arnold Gore.

Yep, Al Gore first called The Duke on his furlough programme.

And yet, when asked, people blame Bush the Elder for this (true) advertisement.

So, the next time someone says that Bush the Elder was a racist because he outed The Duke for Willie Horton, tell them that The Lifeguard told them to "shut the fuck up."

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Bad Governor...

Bad Movie...

This abortion was one of the worst movies ever made. It was so bad, I wanted to blow out my brains. The North Vietnamese tortured John McCain for five years in the Hanoi Hilton because he was from America, and Americans would eventually make this movie.

Which brings me to former Arkansas Governor, Mike Huckabee, one of the lesser souls seeking a major party nomination for president. This douche, allegedly leading in Iowa, is the new star of the mainstream media (MSM). "He's so smart," says one. "He's got such a great wit," says another. "He's the only real Christian Conservative," says a third. "He is so fucking unelectable," says The Lifeguard.

I can not even believe that the debates have started.

First of all, no one wants another former governor of a third-world, in-bred, sheep-fucking backwater, like Arkansas.

Second, this guy is a tool. Just look at him. For fuck's sake, the dude looks like a used car salesman...or a pedophile...or both.

Finally, if the MSM want him, this cat is unelectable. Really, the same folks who like Huckabee like Venezuelan dictator, Hugo Chavez; Zimbabwean dictator, Robert Mugabe; and, Cuban dictator, Fidel Castro. They even liked the movie.

This isn't funny, it's sad. Sad that the movie was made, sad that people are jazzed for Mike Huckabee, sad that I actually remarked that Anderson Cooper did a fine job with the debate.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

The Eighth Inning At Fenway Park Will Never Be The Same Again...

Neil Diamond surprised no one when he revealed that the song (and eighth-inning Fenway standard), "Sweet Caroline" was about Caroline Kennedy. What surprised people was that the lyrics were penned in 1969, after he saw a picture of Caroline Kennedy. I mean, really, she was twelve years old when he saw the picture. Twelve. Underage. Jail bait.

I always knew that Diamond was a creepy bastard. And now, he'll be registering as a sex offender at a police station near you.

"Sweet Caroline"
by Neil Diamond

Where it began, I can't begin to know when (It was 1969. I was in a cheap hotel.)
But then I know it's growing strong (Nice sentiment.)
Oh, wasn't the spring, whooo
And spring became the summer
Who'd believe you'd come along (Still not too creepy.)

Hands, touching hands, reaching out
Touching me, touching you (Creepy. Really creepy.)
Oh, sweet Caroline
Good times never seem so good
I've been inclined to believe it never would

And now I, I look at the night, whooo
And it don't seem so lonely
We fill it up with only two, oh (I shouldn't have this on my hard drive.)
And when I hurt
Hurting runs off my shoulder
How can I hurt when holding you (Sick and twisted. Call the police.)

Oh, one, touching one, reaching out
Touching me, touching you (She's only twelve...but very mature.)
Oh, sweet Caroline
Good times never seem so good
Oh I've been inclined to believe it never would

Ohhh, sweet Caroline, good times never seem so good (Bring me a pack of smokes.)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Holy Mother of Pearl!

I tuned into the Democrat Debate, live from Las Vegas, and I was immediately struck by the idiocy on stage.

Governor Bill Richardson (D-NM) said that human rights were more important, at times, than America's security. Several candidates (who don't believe that democracy is possible in Iraq) claim that Pakistan's president, Pervez Musharraf (who was re-elected in a landslide just weeks ago) needs to allow elections so that democracy can come to Pakistan.

Kucinich was just plain bugfuck crazy, and Senator Edwards had hair that was flat and greasy. Apparently, he eschewed showering so that people could not make fun of his (usually) magnificent mane of hair.

Hillary! said no to driving licenses for illegal aliens; and, Senator B. Hussein Obama (D-Iraqinois) actually gave a tortured answer to the same question. What a fuckwit. He has has weeks to prepare for the question, and he muffed it.

He should thank Christ (or Allah) that he is in America, and not some third-world backwater. Of course, if we were, he'd be taken away and shot, and we'd be spared from any more of his lame responses to questions that were easily anticipated.

The winner, in my opinion? Senator Joe Biden (D-DE), who had the quickest wit (we know it was his wit--the writers are on strike) and the most concise (for the first time ever) answers. And, he got it all right when asked if he would support the Democrat nominee (if it were not he). He said, "Hell no, I am not going to support any of these guys."
Just When You Thought That We Could Co-Exist With The Religion of Peace...

the backwardass, camel-humping fuckwits that live according to Sharia Law go and do this:

They punish the female victim of a gang-rape with two hundred (200) lashes because she happened to be in a car with a man to whom she was not related.

Sounds reasonable to me. After all, she shouldn't have been in that car. She wore a burqa that caused the men to become so turned-on that they raped her. Contrary to some reports, though, the men were not members of Senator Edward M. Kennedy's family. They weren't in Palm Beach, FL at Easter, either.

Seriously, if we think, for a minute, that we can peacefully co-exist with countries that mete out such draconian punishment to the victims of rape, we need to have our collective heads examined.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Former Co-President, William Jefferson Clinton Sticks Up For His Woman...

Well, at least the one that he hopes will get him back into the White House, onto Air Force One, and upon the world stage.

In much the same way that Elizabeth Edwards stood up for her spouse (John Edwards, the other woman in this race), the former president observed that,
"those boys have been getting tough on her lately." (He later apologised to Sen. Obama for using the word, "boy.")

This is queer, because the "boys" have been anything but tough on the Democrat party's putative standard bearer. They are all sucking up to her (and the former president) in hopes of making the VP short-list. (Note to former-Senator Edwards: "YOU ARE NOT ON THE LIST!")

If this curious band of misfits and retards (I mean you, Kucinich) was really tough, they would ask her about her flip-flopping, her lies about her health care plan (when she was co-president) and her support of the Chicago Cubs. Hell, that is enough to disqualify anyone from any office demanding sanity, reason and accountability.

Hillary! is uncomfortable in her own skin, in her own body. She can not be feminine and a feminist. (That is not to say the two are mutually exclusive. I know plenty of feminine feminists. C'mon, you know who you are.) Consequently, as I have noted before, Hillary! has (rightly) tried to divert attention from the eight hundred in the room--her sex. But, occasionally, she shows her humanity, her sexuality (can you say, "cleavage"?), and it makes us all a little woozy.

Then, she blames the attention her sexuality gets on sexism. She encouraged the press to slam Rep. Rick Lazio (R-NY) for invading her space when she first ran for the Senate. She has her attack dogs attack (and raise money) after the whole (unsettling) cleavage issue. And now, she has her husband--the man she Tanya Tuckered--talk about the boys getting rough.

If she is serious--and real--she should run as a tough, smart woman; not as a woman-pretending-to-be-a-man-except-when-pretending-to-be-
a-woman would help her more.

And the former president--that shameless prat--he should stop bitching about Hillary! being Swift-boated and start talking about why she is the best candidate, the most prepared for the big show.

The other candidates? They should call her on every mis-step, every lie, every deviation from the Democrat Party Platform. Then, they should beat her senseless with this information. And, when the press--or the former president--protests, they should tell them all to, "Shut the fuck up!"

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Thank You For Your Service To Our Country...

Today is Veterans Day, a Federal Holiday formerly known as Armistice Day.

The eleventh day of the eleventh month was selected to commemorate the war dead in World War I (which ended in a rail car at the eleventh hour). Following World War II, the name was changed, creating a holiday to celebrate the sacrifice of all American war dead, and the veterans of those wars, fought to preserve the Republic.

My father, a member of "The Greatest Generation," served in the United States Army Air Force during World War II; and, later, he spent forty years as an Air Force civilian, working to ensure that the Air Force was the best equipped in the world.

From the B-26 (which served in numerous conflicts) to the F-101 Voodoo. From the F-4 Phantom to the F-16 Fighting Falcon, he established himself as a master logistician, a friend to our allies, and a patriot. He was my hero, from my first memory of him to my last, as he lay dying.

He worked closely with the Ninth Air Force, and as such, their crest is shown above, proudly.

Today, I remember him, my Uncle Joe (COL, USAF (Ret.)), my cousin Steve (USMA Class of 1975 and MAJ, USA (Ret.)), my friend Tom (USMA Class of 1987 and LTC, USA) and his entire family, and my friend, Wayne (COL, USAF (Ret.)). I also remember and pray for all of those men and women who have served under arms for this great nation. And, I say, "Thank you for your service."

As a final comment, I encourage everyone to say thank you to our service men and women. They serve so that we may live in freedom.

Saturday, November 03, 2007


Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster (snicker!) of the Hogwarts School, is a homo.

I was certain it was that little queen, Potter. After all, he couldn't close the deal with Hogwarts hottie, Hermione Granger.

Really, who cares? And, what does it add to the story to out Dumbledore? Nothing, I say.

The bigger question, of course, is why there was thunderous applause when J.K. Rowling revealed his sexual orientation. He is a fictional character, for heck's sake. He doesn't exist.

Rowling was later heard to say, "Why can't these people get a life? I mean, I appreciate the shit ton of money I have made off of that little brat Potter; and I love the attention, but...GET A LIFE!"

Friday, November 02, 2007

The First Viable Female Candidate...

Former Senator John Edwards has made quite the name for himself, from being Senator John Kerry's lap-dog, to his $1,000.00 haircuts, to letting his wife take on his detractors. He is, effectively, the first female candidate for President of the United States, and we are proud of him. Very proud.

Senator Barack Hussein Obama (D-IL) is the first...well...something. Maybe the first candidate with the middle name, "Hussein." After all, President William Jefferson Clinton was the first black president.

Senator Hillary! (D-NY) is the first candidate who is terribly uncomfortable with her sexuality. She is not really a woman, because she doesn't want people to see her as a weak female...unless it helps her. Like when she does badly in a debate, and claims--though her mouthpiece--that Hillary! was the victim of a pile-on.

For instance, longtime Clinton adviser Patti Solis Doyle also stated: “On that stage in Philadelphia, we saw six against one. Candidates who had pledged the politics of hope practiced the politics of pile on instead."

Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-Out There) is the first certifiably insane candidate, largely based upon his having witnessed a UFO. Believe me, Kucinich is more likely to live in his mother's basement than to have seen a UFO. But hey, he makes the three front-runners look moderate and sane. Or, just moderately sane.

The bottom line when it comes to this field trip from the Home for the Unpatriotically Vapid, the only loser is the United States of America.

Iraq is a mess: Let's surrender. Rich people have money: Tax the shit out of them. Muslims fly airplanes into buildings killing 3,000 innocents: Stop grandma at security and cavity-search her, while letting Madame Burqa board without removing her head dress because it might offend her. Rich people still have money: Tax them some more. Americans understand the need to have a common language: Prevent English from being declared the National Tongue. America is founded by God-fearing people: Erase all evidence of God from everything.


So, as we roll into the next debate, expect more of the same. More dissembling. More anti-American rhetoric. More UFOs. More horseshit.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Happy Birthday, N!

One of my closest friends from college, N, is from St. Louis. When I flew out to St. Louis to go to Game 4 of the 2004 World Series, I met her for a few beers outside of the old Busch Stadium. On that night--October 27th--N and I were toasting her birthday. She said that the best present she could receive would be to see her beloved Cardinals win, and force a Game 5. Unfortunately (for her), the Sox spanked the Cardinals, and won their first Fall Classic since 1918.

I began to think that maybe N had a talismanic quality that helped the Red Sox score some World Series iron. It seemed that if the Sox could play for the World Championship on her birthday, they would win.

Unfortunately, it took four years for the Sox to get back to the World Series.

Then, leading the Colorado Rockies 3 games to nil, going into Game 4, I looked at the calendar. All concern for the outcome disappeared as I noticed that the Red Sox were playing on the day after N's birthday.

The Sox won, the Rox lost. I can finally get some sleep.

And, as we citizens of Red Sox Nation celebrated our victory, I raised a glass to N.

Ed. Note: Last year, the St. Louis Cardinals played for the World Championship on N's birthday, and they won. Therefore, I think that it is clear that if the Sox are playing anyone on October 27th or 28th (for the championship), they will win. If the Cards are playing anyone but the Red Sox, they will win. Hell, she is 3-0. Oh, and I took the picture above. It is copyrighted, and may not be reproduced for any purpose.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Deer Fared Better Than The Rockies...

Josh Beckett may look retarded with his goofy facial hair, but that cat can throw. As the Sox roll into the bottom of the sixth, leading 13-1, I wanted to find at least one picture that summed up the beat-down the Sox laid on the Rox.

I eschewed a wide range of photos before I found this bad boy.

And it reminded me of one of the great lines from My Cousin Vinny, when Ms. Mona Lisa Vito talks about deer hunting. And, I thought of the Rockies.

"You are a batter, coming to the plate. Then, blam!, Josh Beckett blows your fuckin' head off with a 96 mile per hour fastball. Do you care what sort of goofy-ass facial hair he has?"

Go Sox! Beat the Rox!

Ed. Note: One deer and something like nine Rockies batsmen were mowed down to write this post.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


By: The Lifeguard

The Boston Red Sox, my favourite baseball team, won the American League Championship Series in seven games, taking three straight from the Indians of Cleveland, and reached the Fall Classic for the second time in four years. And, it was awesome.

In spite of the fact that I was shut off after seven beer-soaked innings, I had still managed to remorsefully imbibe a shit-load of Guinness Stout, eat six Fenway Franks, and a pretzel. I was standing for "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and "Sweet Caroline"; and, I avoided a fist-fight with an unruly Tribe fan.

So, as I staggered out of the friendly confines of Fenway Park, completely and totally shit-house, I thought it best to just go on home. Instead, with my judgment clouded by drink, I ventured out onto the surrounding streets and started screaming and howling, celebrating the victory, nay, the ass-whooping handed out by the new Gashouse Gang.

Unfortunately, the Boston Police Department had other ideas for the celebrants; and, fearing contact with errant OC balls, I did the next logical thing. I threw up. The big spit. All over Officer Tierney, who promptly arrested me and threw me--hands bound with wire ties--into the back of the waiting Black Maria.

I was spirited, along with twenty-some other drunken, rock-throwing, vomiting fools to the station, where I was booked, then tucked away to sober-up and await arraignment, all while clenching my ass-cheeks to avoid any unwelcome exploration by any of the Vasco DeGamas sharing the cell with me.

And then, it was off to beautiful Roxbury District Court for a date with Judge Redd, who, as a sentence, gave me this essay...and told me to tell my parents about the arrest.

Fortunately (in a sense), my parents are both dead, so I am off the hook on that one. As for the essay, here it is.

What did I learn? A lot.

It is bad to drink two pints of Guinness every inning, for seven innings. It is worse to add the dogs and pretzel to the mix. I will never do that again.

Oh, and it is bad to join a riot. It would have been better for me to just go home.

And throwing up on a policeman. Bad idea. Really bad.

Go Sox!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Rox versus Sox! Thanks to Daisuke Matsuzaka.

The Boston Red Sox returned to the Fall Classic, thanks to three strong innings (and two so-so innings) by the Hundred Million Dollar Man (that's a Six Million Dollar Man, thanks to inflation).

Sox manager, Terry "Tito" Francona stated that he wanted Matsuzaka to go five innings, so he could get the win.

As a baseball guy, I understand this completely. Matsuzaka had been knocked around, and had not been able to string together more than a few solid innings before collapsing. Apparently, he took this very hard following Game 3 of the ALCS, and spent hours, staring at his locker, hiding his face in shame, and checking his Citibank Japan account. Francona and Epstein were afraid that their prodigy would commit seppuku if he brought more dishonour on his gaijin benefactors.

So, Tito let the man pitch, Matsuzaka hurling his trademark gyroball and his blazing fastball to the Tribe batsmen. He went five, then his Samurai second, Hideki Okajima came on in relief, which ultimately led to Papelbon and an 11-2 Sox win.

So, Matsuzaka--confidence restored--can put away his blade...and prepare for the Mile-High atmosphere, the home of the Rox, and the free-swinging hitters of the Colorado Rockies.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

It Is Not What You Know, It Is Who You Blow

Or who you blew.

Niki Tsongas, a woman with no credentials beyond being the widow of the late (Democrat) Senator Paul Tsongas, won the special election to fill the seat vacated by Rep. Martin Meehan (D-MA). She narrowly defeated LTC James Ogonowski (USAF, Ret.), who, prior to entering the race, did have a job, a career, and a brain.


The good news is that she had to fight for the win in a district that hasn't elected a Republican to Congress since 1972. Yes, Virginia, Massachusetts was once a red state. (Now, it is a Red state.)

In a related story, Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) thinks that she is best suited to be POTUS because she lived in the White House for eight years.

In the Tsongas/Clinton model, I should be Mr. Olympia (because I worked in a gym for four years), a war hero (because I worked for the Departments of the Army and Air Force), and a member of the Baseball Hall of Fame (because I have spent the better part of my life on and around baseball diamonds).

Is it any wonder that only 19% of the country think that Congress is doing a good job?
Theo Epstein Is The Devil....

Theo Nathan Epstein, at one point, the youngest General Manager in Major League Baseball history, is the Devil. Satan. Lucifer. Mephistopheles.

This is the only obvious explanation.

He is hired as GM, the Red Sox win their first Fall Classic since 1918, effectively ending (or, at least sending on sabbatical) the Curse of the Bambino. To get to the 2004 Series, they must erase a 3-0 deficit in the ALCS, including beating the Yankees twice at The Stadium. They must beat the Cardinals twice in St. Louis. They must overcome eighty-six years of pain, disappointment, and memories of Bucky Fucking Dent and Billy Buckner. The Sox cobbled together eight straight wins to bring comfort and solace to The Hub.

In return, Epstein did not want--did not need--souls. He wanted...

Eric Gagne.

As an aside, I note that the Red Sox become the first Major League Baseball team to go back-to-back-to-back with dingers in the top of the sixth inning.

Youkilis, Ortiz and Ramirez all hit taters in the top of the sixth, to shave the Cleveland Indians' lead from 7-0 to 7-3. The fan that caught Youkilis' ball threw it back. The fan that caught Big Papi's ball sold it to a Red Sox fan for $20.00. I do not know the fate of Manny's home run ball.

And, should the Sox come back from four runs down to tie the series, then go on to win six more games, I will know it is true.

And next year, in return for the win, Theo will get...

Eric Gagne, with a five-year, $50m deal, and a no-trade clause.


Sunday, October 14, 2007

Not A Fan Of Gagne...

Tribe 9, Sox 6. Eleventh inning. ALCS Game 2. It is the fault of Gagne.
Not This Lifeguard!

This blawg originally started as a commentary on lawyers and the law. Unfortunately, I am neither smart enough, nor interested enough in the law to stick to the plan. Instead, it became a commentary on life, politics, and the general stupidity of humankind.

I have commented on the Sox, the Yankees, the state of American politics, and things that struck me as funny. Until this very moment in time, when I read about a Maryland jury awarding four million one hundred fifty two ($4,000,152.00) dollars to the parents of Connor Freed, a six year old who drowned at a country club on June 22, 2006.

This was interesting to me for several reasons.

First, it places a value on a six year old. Two million seventy six ($2,000,076.00) dollars per parent. That means, with my two kids, I am sitting on four million ($4,000,000.00) dollars.

Second, it raises questions about the training of lifeguards. I note that in my early years, I both worked as a lifeguard, and trained lifeguards. I worked them over, forcing them to perform extreme feats of strength and swimming ability, like recovering a fifty pound weight from the bottom of a pool, of rescuing fighting victims, and swimming a hundred (100m) metres with a heavy rubber brick. I failed people for failing to make three consecutive rescues, and I would routinely climb on the heads of my students as they were treading water. I did this because a drowning man (or woman) is insane with the will to survive.

And, when asked why I did this, I said that I thought that "...lawyers were scum and I didn't want to get sued for their failures." (I said this in 1984.)

I failed a young woman who was otherwise perfect in her skills because she could not get me to the side when I started fighting her attempts to rescue me. I tortured my students, providing realistic scenarios to test their mettle.

This should be the norm for lifeguards. Obviously, it is not.

As an aside, when asked how many rescues I made, I answered, "Two."

Not because I didn't work at busy pools and waterfronts; but, because I was a superlative lifeguard. I also note that the two rescues that I made were men who outweighed me by a cool hundred pounds.

The first, a man who could not swim, went off of the three (3m) metre board to impress a girl. I saved him, then asked him why he was going off of the board. He said, with a straight face, that he "...was trying to impress a girl." (Note to everyone: girls are never impressed by drowning.) The second, a man who could swim a little, was caught in a rip current, and was trying to swim against it. I got him, controlled him, and took him down the beach to a point where he could stand up and walk to dry land. He had panicked, and I calmed him, saved him.

Finally, I note that lawyers are always quick to cast blame on the guard, and not the family friend, who should have been watching the child.

People assume that, because there is a lifeguard, their responsibility for their child (or the children in their care) is absolved. This is not the case.

If a child is swimming in a pool, an adult should be watching. The fact that young Connor's adult friend was not is the real crime. And, yet, he was not hit by the jury because he was a) representing himself, and b) because he did not have the deep pockets of DRD Pool Service, Inc.

I am not saying that there was no negligence on the part of DRD. I am saying that when children are swimming, adults (other than lifeguards) have some responsibility, too. In fact, they have the greater responsibility.

So, when contemplating this result, let us consider the following:

1) Lawyers are scum;

2) Parents are always responsible for their children; and,

3) Not every lifeguard is as good as The Lifeguard.


Really, a committee that gives the peace prize to a terrorist (Arafat in 1994 for his efforts to bring peace to the Middle East by killing every last Jew), a traitor (former POTUS Jimmy Carter in 2002 for his support of murderous dictators such as Zimbabwe's Robert "I Will Kill You If You Mispronounce My Last Name" Mugabe and Cuba's Fidel "JFK Is Dead, I Am Not" Castro, and Venezuela's Hugo "Fuck You, America" Chavez), and a criminal (Kofi "Oil For Food, Money For Me" Annan) can not be all that bright.

And now, they give credit to AlGore's scare-mongering about world-wide climate change.

Frankly, as a victim of sixteen Boston winters, I am hoping for global climate change, for the better. Boston would truly be the Hub of the Universe if we had a reliable annual average temperature of 80 degrees. We would be San Diego with Sox, Pops, and history galore. This would be paradise.

The only upside to this, as far as I can tell, is that with AlGore winning the prize, he effectively lays the smack-down on President (William) Clinton, who wants the prize--and the cash--as much, if not more, than did petulant, micro-managing traitor, Jimmy Carter.

If we are honest about the world in which we live, we would realise that warming is not a bad thing. We would, instead, focus on managing forests (by clear-cutting dead-wood to help prevent forest fires), on developing self-sustaining carbon sinks, on wiping out malaria (a little DDT goes a long way), and providing safe and clean water for the hundreds of millions of people who don't have it.

We would work to ensure that we worked for the common good of man, rather than the good of a man.

And, we would ask why Mikhail Sergeyevich Gorbachev alone won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1990 for his work in ending the Cold War, when he couldn't have done it without the help of two other men--former POTUS Ronald Wilson Reagan and His Eminence Pope John Paul II.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Equality? Hah!

Josh Drimmer, 26, went for a stroll, in the nude, in Times Square. People were amazed and when he was caught, he was taken to Bellevue Hospital for evaluation. And, I really like the fact that a cop asked the buck-naked Drimmer if he had any ID on him. (Nice touch, officer. However, I'd advise you to wear some gloves if he comes up with anything.)

I thought of this story as I stood in the local doughnut shop this morning, behind a woman in her pajama bottoms and a plain white T-shirt.

All of the men in the shop were dressed, she was in her jammies. Men would be arrested for less. Women get away with it. (And I am glad. I don't want to see men, in public, in jammies.)

So, let's recap: Naked man* in Times Square goes to Bellevue. Man in jammies in Dunkin' Donuts has scorn and ridicule heaped upon him. Woman in jammies becomes the subject of this blawg.

Nice. Very nice.

*The naked man went to Yale. As in "Yale University." As in Ivy League college. As in, "I can not believe that my parents spent so fucking much money to send me to university with idiots who walk naked in Times Square." And, for the record, if another famous Yale alumna--Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) went for a naked stroll in Times Square, I'd check into Bellevue.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


That is because the twin towers of the World Trade Center were not available.

The Empire State Building will be lit with green lights to celebrate the Muslim holiday of Eid (Holy shit! I just realised that Eid is an anagram of "DIE."), which marks the end of Ramadan.

Frankly, I believe in religious freedom; but, I have a hard time celebrating a holiday important to the religion that is trying to kill us, destroy Western Civilisation, and create an Islamic Caliphate complete with Sharia Law. I have an even harder time accepting this given that the adherents of the Religion of Peace flew two planes into two buildings just down the street. Are they lighting it green to make it easier to see?

Ahmed: "We just received the word. Once Ramadan ends, we are to blow up the building that will be lit in green."

Mohammed: "The infidel would never be so stupid. Hey! There it is!"

This is even harder to take on the day that the Islamic world's biggest cheerleader, former President Jimmy Carter, called President Bush a liar, said that America tortures terror suspects, and has a disastrous foreign policy.

Thanks to the One-Term Wonder, we have live in a world with less peace, more hate, and Muslims that want to kill us (and are willing to die trying, if only for the seventy-two Virginians).
And, by the by, if President Bush were as bad as Mr. Carter thinks he is, then the President would prosecute Mr. Carter for sedition for his embarrassing comments.

Oh, and he'd get the property managers for the Empire State Building, too.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Indigenous Peoples Redux

Every reference to the Carib Indians, the "Indigenous People" displaced by Christopher Columbus, describes them as "fierce." They were known to have captured so many Arawak females in their raids, the women spoke a different language than the men. They were successful in their expansion because of their aggressiveness and their mastery of the art of making war. Oh, and they may have practiced cannibalism.

As for the indigenous people of what is now Mexico, they practiced human sacrifice. This was pretty intriguing to the Europeans, who found the Aztec practice of killing young virgins to appease the gods a waste of good virgins.

The bottom line for the retarded souls who loathe Christopher Columbus for being a slave-trader and practitioner of genocide should remember that the culture they now live in allows them to snivel and whine about the mistreatment of the savages inhabiting the Americas. It is highly unlikely that the Aztecs or Caribs would have let these weak links hang around long enough to complain.

So, for the second day in a row, thank you Chris.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Happy Columbus Day!

Thank you for sailing the Ocean Blue in 1492, you lovable Guinea bastard.

Christopher Columbus--arguably the first illegal immigrant to the New World--arrived in the Americas on October 12, 1492, and do-gooders and morons have been complaining ever since.

A group of unemployed malcontents disrupted the Denver Columbus Day Parade, as they have done every year for the last twenty years. As an American, I am happy that all voices--even the slow-witted--are heard. As an American of Italian descent, I am downright offended that the historic accomplishments of Columbus are trampled and derided.

Christopher Columbus bravely set out in search of a naval route to India, ignoring the taunts and scorn heaped on him by his contemporaries. He kept his crew in line, even when they were ready to pitch in the towel, and he made it to the Americas. He brought attention to the New World, and prompted the European powers to spread their influence and civilisation in what would eventually become the United States, the greatest nation of all time.

And while Columbus wasn't perfect, his accomplishments demand acknowledgment and celebration.

That is why we celebrate Columbus Day, not Indigenous Peoples Day.

And for any fuckwitted asshat who wants Congress to make a change--like Berkeley, California did--don't paint signs and disrupt the law-abiding celebrants of this important national holiday. Get a job.

If you think a great man's character flaws prevent the ultimate celebration of his accomplishments, then let's shit-can Martin Luther King Day (adulterer), President's Day (slave-owners, communists, adulterers, morons), Veterans Day (killers), St. Patrick's Day (snake-haters), Christmas (remember that "wall of separation of church and state"), and Thanksgiving (turkey makes me sleepy).

Fuck it, let's just work every day.

Until then, thanks again, Chris.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

"Do You Know Who I Am?"

83-year-old former president, Nobel Laureate, and the asshat who kept me out of First Class, was visiting Darfur, when he confronted Sudanese security personnel, shouting, "You don't have the power to stop me." He was trying to get into a town, to talk to refugees fleeing the government-sponsored bloodshed.

Said Omar, the security officer, "I have a gun. I have the power to stop you, old man."

In reality, the 26,000 UN and African Union troops who will be arriving in the region to try to settle tensions in Darfur will do fuck-all. Fuck-all because they do not have the gumption to kill every last one of the fucktard janjaweed militia, and government troops. Jack shit because many of the African Union troops are also Muslim, and they will not kill their coreligionists. Cock because--in the main--African Union troops are not particularly effective.

I find it amusing that the same people who want us out of Iraq now want us to stop the genocide in Darfur. However, I would wager that within five minutes of the first bomb falling on that African shithole, these same do-gooders would be screaming about torture, civilian casualties, and how we need to get out of Darfur because it is a civil war.

Frankly, I do not believe that we should judge these people, these Islamic fanatics. Only God can do that. Our job is to arrange the meeting, at the earliest possible occasion.

Or, we could just send President Carter there, with a one-way ticket (on Virgin Atlantic, no doubt), and let him try to sort out the morass.

Thursday, September 27, 2007


The baseball that Barry Bonds--late of the San Francisco Giants--hit to break Hammerin' Hank Aaron's all-time home run record was bought (for $752,467.00) by fashion designer, Mark Ecko. (Bonds referred to Ecko as a "fucking idiot" for paying so much for the horsehide-covered sphereoid.)

After over ten million votes were cast, Ecko is marking the ball with an asterisk and donating it to the Baseball Hall of Fame, in Cooperstown, NY, where it will be displayed.

This raises three interesting points:

First, I wish that I had thought of this...and that I had a spare $752,468.00 tucked in my mattress.

Second, regardless of what one thinks of Barry Bonds, he is an amazing athlete and a great hitter, with superlative timing, unbelievable hand/eye coordination, and a tremendous amount of natural ability. Sure, he may be an asshat; and, he certainly was on the juice; however, no amount of steroid use makes him better. Stronger, yes. Better, no. In order to hit a baseball, you have to do a million things right. None of those things are improved by steroids.

Finally, what other enhanced items will be donated to the BBHOF? Pete Rose's betting slips? Wade Boggs' Hair Club For Men membership form? Butch Hobson's FedEx envelope?

Beautiful, fucking beautiful.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

New Jersey Nazis? I Hate New Jersey Nazis!

(Or, MoveOn.Org Welcomes Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad To The United States)

A group of ignorant fucktards carved a giant swastika into a cornfield in Mercer County, New Jersey. The discovery was made at the start of Yom Kippur, and is similar to crop swastikas found in 1998 and 1999.

Said Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from his plane as he flew over the swastika, "I am so pleased to see the warm welcome from the Great Satan."

"I am hopeful that the imperialist dogs of the Great Satan will join me in the eradication of Jews and fags, of which Iran has none," President Ahmadinejad cooed.

The New Jersey State Police continue to investigate.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

To Continue This Blawg In English, Press 1 Now.

To continue this blawg in Spanish, hang up and dial 411 and find a class where you can learn to speak English, then call back and press 1.

Why, in the name of all that is holy, must we "press 1 for English?"

I doubt that calls made in France make you press 1 for French.

This is still the United States of America, and even though the politicians are too drunk on power (and afraid of the non-English speaking populous) to make English the official language, we should not have to press 1 to have lousy customer service in English (albeit English with an Indian accent).

Hell, the majority of those who can not speak English can not vote, so why the politicians are afraid escapes me.

So, if you are bored, write a letter to your Congressman, your state representatives, to Comcast. Tell them that you don't want to "press 1 for English."

Or, you can just sit and stew.