Saturday, June 06, 2015

For Those Who Gave Their Lives
So We Could Surf The Webs

The Lifeguard was thinking about the fact that 71 years ago today, the Greatest Generation took to all manner of machines to begin a frontal assault on Fortress Europe. He imagines that they were scared, and that many of them wept as they awaited the invasion.

We owe our existence to those brave (but terrified) men who did what they knew to be right and just. And, as The Lifeguard looks at the world around, he thinks, "We are not worthy of this life that we have been given."

So, today, maybe it's time to remember (and to repay) that debt. Start by reading this. (And, if you don't like it, shut the fuck up.)

Tuesday, June 02, 2015


A Boston Police Department officer and an FBI agent shot (and killed) Usaamah Rahim (who is probably a Muslim) outside of a Roslindale CVS. Rahim was a person of interest to a joint anti-terror task force run by the FBI and Boston PD. 

Unfortunately for Rahim, he was not #WearingOrange to protest gun violence. Doubly unfortunate? He did not drop the military-style knife he was wielding when asked.

Fortunately for the people of Boston, we are spared the expense of a trial and incarceration of another potential terrorist.

Travel Sucks Already

"I'm From The Government 
And I'm Here To Help."

In a shocking development, we learn that the TSA lets something like 95% of all guns and explosives through security. So, after billions of dollars (and more than a few sexual assaults), we are left with an entity that is worse at doing its job than the United States Postal Service and Congress. (And, that's saying something.)

In fact, it could be argued that TSA screenings do nothing to make the traveling public safer. (It seems, however, that TSA agents have been able to make a few bucks by ripping off passengers, so perhaps it washes out in the end.)

The biggest surprise, however, is that the incompetent boob in charge of the TSA, Melvin Carraway, is merely being reassigned. Seriously, if Jeh Johnson, Secretary of Homeland Security were at all concerned with...well...Homeland Security, he would have fired Carraway. Maybe shamed him. Humiliated him in front of the cameras.

Frankly, a guy who has as much time in law enforcement as Melvin Carraway should be more about accountability; however, that may have been impossible at the TSA, where there is so much dysfunction that perhaps everyone should be the Post Office.

The Lifeguard has had his share of bad experiences with the TSA, ranging from the confiscation of a very scary knife (after having traveled with it for over a year) to a pat down that ended with a shared cigarette and a cuddle. 

But, since we are so concerned with political correctness and making people feel good, we have taken a wrong-headed approach to security which has done everything but make us safer.

Fortunately, the HMIC (Head Moron In Charge) has at least been removed. Now, if only we could get rid of the rest of them.

Monday, June 01, 2015

Holy Fuck What The Fuck Motherfucker?!?

Caitlyn Jenner has her debut on the cover of Vanity Fair, and The Lifeguard has to wonder whether or not there was some airbrushing, photoshopping, or trimming to get the picture just right.

And now? The Lifeguard has to go and get some bleach.

For his eyes.


The Lifeguard has been on an(other) extended hiatus, but as the 2016 Presidential Campaign heats up, The Lifeguard thought it was his duty as a red-blooded American male to cut short his time embedded with Hillary! (and her cadre of female campaign volunteers) to return to the beat. Journalists never sleep, you know. (Especially when there are three American and Gender Studies majors from Wellesley College sharing your suite at the Ritz.)

The Lifeguard, by the way, credits the above-photo to the New York Post. (The picture was taken when Hillary! was midway through her description of The Lifeguard'

So, without further ado, The Lifeguard brings you the first Speedos! of the 2016 Campaign Season.

  • The Lifeguard has a piece of advice for the summer travel season. Stay the fuck out of West Africa. Seriously, if there were any reason to go to West Africa, The Lifeguard would still say, "Don't fucking go!" (Plus, America's wrong-headed immigration policy is bringing West Africa to us, so why bother with the security lines at the airport, visas, and deadly viruses that cause bleeding from the eyes, ears, and ass?) Seriously, don't go
  • Some cat, who lied about his time in West Africa just died in New Jersey. (Note to doctors dealing with patients who say that they haven't been to West Africa: Don't fucking believe them. If Gregory House, M.D. taught us anything, it's that all patients lie.) The fact that this fucktard was walking around (when he should have been in isolation) should provide a poignant lesson in triaging patients who have fevers (and accents).
  • The Lifeguard hopes that Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) gets into the 2016 race...and loses his home-state primary. America needs a leader that is...well...not Lindsey Graham
  • Notwithstanding The Lifeguard's disdain for Senator Graham, The Lifeguard appreciates his military service. Oh, and if The Lifeguard were given the choice between Graham and Rick Santorum, he'd take Graham any day of the week.
  • The Lifeguard thinks that Hillary! should have taken a lesson from Graham, vis a vis emails (and her private server).
  • Things seem to be going remarkably well for ISIS. Thank God we got rid of President George W. Bush's "Cowboy Diplomacy." Things are going swimmingly under this administration.
  • Former Republican House Speaker, Dennis Hastert (R-IL) is in the midst of a sex-scandal (and it's cover-up). While the details are unclear, all you need to know is that he was a wrestling coach.
  • The Lifeguard sends his condolences to Vice President and Mrs. Joseph R. Biden (and their family) on the death of their son, Beau. And, while The Lifeguard and VP Biden share dramatically different political points of view, The Lifeguard has always held a spot in his heart for the Vice President. RIP, Beau Biden.
  • Secretary of State John F. Kerry (who served in Vietnam) broke his leg while cycling in France. Rather than have surgery in France (where they have socialized medicine), he returned to Boston (and MGH, where they do not...yet). He is withdrawing from the Iran nuclear talks, which gives the United States a chance to get righteous about the threat that a nuclear Iran would pose to the world.
  • There is no truth to the report that Secretary of State Kerry has put himself in for a Purple Heart.
  • But only because he hadn't yet thought about it.
  • Secretary of State Kerry should not wear spandex. (You'll have to Google it if you want to see a picture. There are some things that even The Lifeguard will not do.)
  • EL James is going to publish a new book, written from the perspective of Christian Grey. The book will be released on June 18th, which is Christian's birthday. The book will be titled, Fifty Shades of Creepy Stalking by a Billionaire. The Lifeguard weeps for America's soul.
  • There is no truth to the rumor that she simply copies Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) 1972 essay on rape and sexual relationships.
  • But only because she hadn't yet thought about it.
  • The Lifeguard didn't want to go to Baltimore before the riots. He certainly doesn't want to go now. 
  • Isn't it queer that race-relations in America are worse now (with a genuine African-American POTUS) than they were when we had a bunch of old white guys in the big boy chair at 1600? One can only imagine what will happen to relations between the sexes if Hillary! gets elected.
That's about enough for now. The Lifeguard is off, like a prom dress.