Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Wishing you the cool side of Yuletide!


Merry Christmas, Babies!
The Lifeguard apologizes for any inconvenience his absence has caused. However, he'll return, with a vengeance, in the next few days.

In the meantime, Merry Christmas, y'all!

Sunday, December 01, 2013

Hillary


The Lifeguard Is This Big!
"Ain't none of you guys endowed like The Lifeguard," Hillary! said at a gathering of the Conservative Black Caucus.  (Both members can be seen on the stage with Hillary!.)

Oh, and The Lifeguard hopes y'all had a great Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Absolutely!

Country Singer Gretchen Wilson Talks About The Lifeguard
Over and over again.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Sadness...

The Lifeguard Observes A Moment Of Silence For Those Who Lost Their Lives At The Hands Of The Terrorists Twelve Short Years Ago.

Thursday, September 05, 2013

He got one thing correct.

"The Lifeguard Is Huge."
Then, Secretary of State Kerry said, "Respect."

HFWTFMF?!?

Vladimir Putin Shakes Hands With Michelle Obama Prior To The G-20 Summit
After a short hiatus, The Lifeguard returns with the most poignant commentary on life, politics, and just about anything else.  You guessed it.  It's Speedos!

  • President Obama, who drew a (red) line in the sand over Syria's alleged use of chemical weapons, spoke yesterday to his unequivocal statement.  He said, “That wasn’t something I made up. I didn’t pluck it out of thin air. I didn’t set a red line. The world set a red line.”
  • For fucks sake, if GWB had said, “We have been very clear to the Assad regime, but also to other players on the ground, that a red line for us is we start seeing a whole bunch of chemical weapons moving around or being utilized,” and then said, "That wasn't something I made up," the media would have jumped his shit.
  • Maybe Syria hasn't used "...a whole bunch of chemical weapons...."  They have just used a bunch of chemical weapons, not whole bunch of chemical weapons.
  • Is there even any proof that the Syrian government has used chemical weapons?  And, what makes Syria different from...say...Iraq.  The Democrats blanched at the thought of going to war against Saddam Hussein, a man who had violated seventeen UN Resolutions, used chemical weapons against Kurds and Iranians, and ran rape-rooms and torture chambers; but, Bashar al-Assad is alleged to have used chemical weapons and President Obama becomes John Wayne.
  • Wait!  Saddam Hussein was a lawyer.  There are a lot of Democrat legislators (including President Obama) who are lawyers.  Maybe that was professional courtesy?
  • James Carville used the oft-repeated ObamaExcuse, "It's W's fault."
  • Secretary of State, John Forbes Kerry, is for war in Syria, after he was against it.  And, Code Pink as very, very unhappy about it.  But, then again, this is an easier call than...say...Viet Nam.  After all, one would never catch the Syrian rebels hiding out among civilians, or dressed in black pajamas.  Nope, the Syrian rebels wear uniforms, and adhere to all of the rules of war.
  • One wonders if the guy who shot (no pun intended) the video of the summary execution of Syrian soldiers is going to be arrested and thrown in jail for violating the terms of his probation.  Wait!  That's another guy.
  • President Obama killed Usama bin Laden.  Why doesn't he just go ahead and whack Assad?  Why all the debate?  One would think that a former lecturer on Constitutional Law, at one of America's premier law schools, would understand that he has the Constitutional authority to act without passing the buck to Congress.
  • God, how The Lifeguard misses President Reagan.  (Or Bush.  Or Clinton.  Or Bush.)
  • The Lifeguard is pretty sure that President Clinton would have launched an air strike on Syria (and gotten a blow job at the same time).  Obama?  The Lifeguard is pretty sure that the Preezy of the Heezy is 0-2.
Yep, this is a mighty disjointed rant on Syria; but, sometimes, that shit happens.  The bottom line, my friends, is that The Lifeguard is adamantly opposed to any involvement in Syria.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Sunday, August 18, 2013

I'm The Guy...

The Lifeguard's Favorite Part Of The Regatta Was When She Blew The Guy...
Twice.

In every race.

Thursday, August 08, 2013

She knows.

"The Lifeguard?  About This Big."
The Lifeguard, and the rest of taxpaying America, are about to get rogered as ObamaCare goes into effect for some (but not all) Americans.  In fact, thanks to President Obama's efforts, Congressional staffers--who, on average earn more than you--will get an ObamaCare exemption.  

Congress feared that there would be a "brain drain" if the exemption weren't crafted.  Of course, this begs the question, why didn't the staffers get it right the first time?  The truth is, America might be better off if the geniuses on Capitol Hill took a long walk off a very short pier, environmental concerns be damned.

The staffers could have put whatever they wanted in the Affordable Care Act, knowing that no one was going to read it until after it was passed.  Subsidies?  Yep.  Free gym memberships?  Sure.  Car allowances?  Natch.

The social experiment should be over now.  Before things get anymore out of hand.  Of course, when there aren't any adults in the room, and President Obama is on Leno, expect things to be an absolute horror show.

And, don't get sick.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

No shit!

And, Her Name Is Huma Weiner...
Of course, maybe if she did, he wouldn't have to send pictures of his junk to the free world.

In other news, 78% of women in the important 18-26 demographic love Weiner.  Of course, The Lifeguard hears from one of his faithful readers (who has seen the goods) that it is more Vienna Sausage than Kielbasa.  More cocktail frank than bratwurst.

Apparently, size doesn't matter.

Thursday, July 04, 2013

Happy Birthday, America!

Nine Of The Reasons The Lifeguard Loves America
The Lifeguard just hopes that the reasons stay the fuck out of Egypt.  

After a brief flirtation with a leader who isn't in the hip pocket of the Great Satan, millions of hygienically-challenged Egyptians took to the streets to demand that the leader that they wanted (and voted for) be removed by the military.  Of course, street demonstrations in Egypt involve wailing crowds, shots being fired into the sky, and women being raped.  Sort of like street demonstrations in Benghazi, Libya.  (Except those demonstrations involve wailing crowds, burning consulates, shots being fired into the sky, and ambassadors being raped.)

Thank Christ that American soldiers (with women newly-introduced into combat roles) aren't being asked to go to Egypt to act as peace-keepers.  (What with all of the touchy-feely crap going on here in America, The Lifeguard wonders if the new policy isn't to try to reason with our enemies...as we are doing with Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Russia, Syria, and every other shithole populated by Islamic extremists.)

The Lifeguard did have a point when he sat down; but, then the girls started getting antsy, and he lost his train of thought.  (Then, the train went into a tunnel.  (Nine different tunnels, to be precise.)

Anyway, Happy Birthday, America.  (And, for all of you folks who don't like it here, The Lifeguard suggests that you take a trip to Tahir Square...a one-way trip to Tahir Square.)


Sunday, June 02, 2013

Thursday, May 23, 2013

HFWTFMF?!?

Speaking From Experience, There Is Nothing Sexier Than A Chick Packing Heat
It's Speedos!

  • The Lifeguard represented a low-level gangster, who had been hauled in for a deposition pursuant to Rule 15 of the Federal Rules of Criminal Procedure.  In order that he remain out of the line of fire, The Lifeguard suggested that, perhaps, taking the Fifth might be wise.  So, he did.

    US Attorney:  "Could you please state your name for the record?"

    Client:  "I'm taking the Fifth."

    US Attorney:  "I'm just asking your name."

    Client:  "Upon the advice of counsel, I decline to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me."

    And, so it went...for two hours.
  • The Lifeguard, therefore, wonders why in the crikey fuck embattled IRS functionary  Lois Lerner gave a statement, proclaiming her innocence, before pleading the Fifth.  Seriously?  What idiot told her that her Constitutional right to avoid self-incrimination would be preserved if she made a self-serving statement before pleading the Fifth?
  • Also troubling is the case of Alzheimer's that has affected former IRS Commissioner Doug Shulman, who was asked what he discussed during his 118 White House visits in 2010 and 2011.
  • Doug Shulman, a lawyer, claims that he is not an expert in Constitutional Law, even though every law student must take Con Law.  Perhaps he took President Obama's course at the University of Chicago.
  • Does anyone believe that Doug Shulman attended the Easter Egg Roll at the White House?  Is his new gig going to be president of Jews for Jesus?
  • Where did all of these Washington lawyers, with seemingly no understanding of the law, come from?  Isn't this an indictment of the American system of educating lawyers?  (Or, is this just another example of incompetence in government?)
  • And what about the Al Roker-looking motherfucker?  One has to think that to be the Treasury Inspector General, one must not be a complete fucktard.  (But, having heard J. Russell George testify, one would be wrong.)  Truth be told, The Lifeguard kept waiting for him to say, "And here's the weather in your world."
  • When The Lifeguard heard that two men hacked a British soldier to death, his first thought was, "Fucking Islamic terrorists."  Surprisingly, The Lifeguard was...correct.  The larger question is why Prime Minister David Cameron immediately referred to this as an act of terrorism while President Obama still refers to the Fort Hood shooting as a case of "workplace violence"?
  • And, if Major Nidal Hasan, the Fort Hood shooter is still receiving his Army pay, why is he allowed to wear a beard?  And, why has the judge, Colonel Gregory Gross been removed from the case for ordering a serving officer (and one of a lesser rank) to comply with Army Regulations?  If Major Hasan is collecting his pay, he should be obliged to comply with Army Regulations.
  • And, now that Major Hasan has fired his attorneys, we can expect a bigger circus.
  • There was extensive violence in the suburbs of Stockholm, Sweden.  Of course, it probably wasn't initiated by disaffected immigrant youths.
  • Constitutional whiz (and Preezy of the Heezy) Barack Hussein Obama, who remains fiercely non-Muslim, has been a proponent of unmanned drone strikes, which have killed four American citizens.  Which begs the question, "Why the extrajudicial action against some (these guys, for instance) and not others (the five suspects in the Benghazi Consulate attack)?
  • The Lifeguard also wonders why former-DNC head, Howard Dean, can get away with calling Benghazi "...a laughable joke"?  Four dead Americans.  An attack on American soil.  Yep.  The Lifeguard is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
  • First Lady Michelle Obama is planning an extended vacation.  How does one take an extended vacation when you are always on vacation?
  • The Lifeguard is still waiting for one...just one...Muslim cleric to come out against all of the violence being perpetrated by militant Islamists.  [crickets]
Yep, this has been an angry installment of Speedos!, but The Lifeguard is angry.

Peace, y'all.

Friday, April 26, 2013

HFWTFMF?!?

Tsarnaev Brothers' Plans To Bomb Times Square Foiled...
You could say that the plans hit a...SPEEDBUMP.


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

More...

Speedos!
It's been a little over a week since the cowardly combo, Tamarlan Tsarnaev (a/k/a Speedbump) and Dzhokhar Tsarnaev (a/k/a Flashbang) killed four and wounded and maimed over two hundred people on their Islam-fueled terror spree.  We are still standing, and The Lifeguard is still contemplating, what this means in The War Against Terror.

  • Speedbump, his wife, and his brother, it seems, were welfare recipients, at least until 2012, when Speedbump's wife (and convert to the so-called "Religion of Peace") started working eighty hours a week.  This, apparently, was so that her husband could continue his study of the Noble Qur'an, purchase fireworks, and research pressure cookers.
  • Speedbump was, apparently, on classified government watch list.  Sadly, no one was watching him.  He made the list in 2011, after the Russian government informed the FBI that he, an ethnic Chechen, had become a follower of radical Islamists.
  • When the bombs went off last Monday, was The Lifeguard the only one who immediately went to "Islamic terrorists"?  Wouldn't it be prudent to cull the aforementioned government watch list of those following radical Islamists, then watch them?  Political correctness seems to have led us to this point, and maybe it's time to re-evaluate this behavior.
  • Why hasn't President Obama condemned (or mentioned) Islamic fundamentalism over the last week?  Why hasn't anyone (in the administration) come out with a condemnation of Islamic fundamentalism?
  • Flashbang continues to recover in a Boston hospital.  He has received his Miranda warning, and will be tried in a civilian court.  
  • Isn't it kind of ironic that an Islamic terrorist is recovering in Beth Israel Hospital?
  • And, The Lifeguard finds it kind of hard to make light about a terrible tragedy.  One that might have been stopped were we not so damned afraid of offending a group that has reliably been connected to terror bombings.
That's all for now.

Peace!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

We're All Good...

Speedos!
The Lifeguard offers kudos to the men and women of IBEW Local 103, who used their billboard in Dorchester, Massachusetts to express The Lifeguard's sentiments about the douchebags who bombed the finish line of the 117th Boston Marathon.

Fucktards.

Fortunately, The Lifeguard didn't run this year; but, if he had, he'd have been safe.  The Lifeguard would have still been kissing Wellesley College women and doing Jell-o shots with them.
  • This year's air show at the Dayton International Airshow will not have a re-enactment of the dropping of the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  The Lifeguard is pretty sure that this is a good move on the part of the air show organizers.  However, if the identity of the Marathon Bomber is determined, maybe it can be a re-enactment of the bombing of his country.
  • President Obama was in Boston today, to speak at a service at the Cathedral of the Holy Cross.  The Lifeguard is shocked that he didn't have the Newtown (Connecticut) families; or, former Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, along for the ride.  After all, President Obama has shown no shame in his use of victims to promote his agenda.
  • Well, he's stayed pretty fucking far away from the Benghazi victims.  Even Gigolo of State John Forbes Kerry doesn't have the time to look into this.
  • Senator Diane Feinstein (D-CA) is a moron.  We don't need more gun laws, we need enforcement of the ones we have.  Oh, and some attention to the mentally ill.
  • Does Congress not address mental health issues, vis a vis gun control, because they too are mentally ill?
  • The Lifeguard is appalled at how law enforcement has responded to the Boston Marathon bombing.  Appalled.
All right, y'all.  

Peace!

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

Speedos!

Baseball!
It's on, bitches!  

The 2013 MLB season is underway, and it's another edition of Speedos!

  • Margaret Thatcher, Great Britain's first (and only) female prime minister, passed away yesterday.  She was a force to be reckoned with, and one of the key players in the dismantling of the Iron Curtain.  She will be missed.
  • The Lifeguard can only hope that if the United States has a woman as president she will be as gracious (and tenacious) as Baroness Thatcher.
  • The Boston Red Sox are 5-2, and are atop the AL East.  Sure, it's only April 9th; but, The Lifeguard is stoked.
  • The Louisville Cardinals won the NCAA Basketball Championship, defeating the University of Michigan, 82-76.  (At least Michigan lost because of shitty play, not for calling a time-out that they didn't have.)
  • What does the University of Kentucky student have in common with the University of Louisville student?  They both got into Louisville.
  • The Lifeguard looked for some reporting on the Women's NCAA Tournament, but couldn't find any.  Because no one cares.
  • An Auburn, Massachusetts man is charged by police for killing a bear in his backyard.  (So much for the right to bear arms.)  HFWTFMF?!?  It was a bear.  In his backyard.
  • Police are considering charging the man with a "Hate Crime" since it was a black bear; and, therefore, racially motivated.
  • The Lifeguard was umpiring a college baseball game over the weekend.  After an ejection, The Lifeguard was walking the coach off the field when said coach stopped, pulled third base out of the ground, and threw it into the middle of the infield.  The Lifeguard said, "Wow!  That's the best throw today by anyone wearing your team's uniform."
  • The Preezy of the Heezy slams Republican lawmakers for "political stunts" regarding gun control.  Then, he travels to Newtown, Connecticut to meet eleven parents of Newtown victims so that he can fly them back to Washington, D.C. on Air Force One.  This is one of the (many) reasons that he is The Lifeguard's Fucktard of the Week.
  • A topless protester confronts Russian president Vladimir Putin and German Chancellor Angela Merkel...and Putin "liked it."  First, it was Pussy Riot, now, it's Titty Riot.
  • Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is still dead.
  • Is The Lifeguard the only one hoping that Beyonce and Jay Z stay in Cuba?
  • The advertisement for Viagra suggests seeking medical attention for an erection lasting more than four hours.  Are they trying to say that a quickie is bad?
All right.  It's late, and The Lifeguard is tired.  Rest in peace, Mrs. Thatcher.

Have a great day, y'all.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Speedos!

It Could Be Worse...
You could be Amanda Knox, with all of your money in a Cypriot bank.

Yeah.  It's Speedos!

  • American femme fatale, Amanda Knox, had her heart stop when she learned that Italian law doesn't contemplate double jeopardy.  The Italian prosecutors will get another shot at Amanda Knox (and her less-hot Italian boyfriend), following an appellate court's grant of a new trial. 
  • The trial will happen, in absentia, because the United States will not likely extradite her.
  • Don't you think that Marcia Clark is wishing that O.J. Simpson had killed Nicole in Italy?
  • The First Family is off to the Bahamas.  For a vacation.  The Lifeguard is grateful that President Obama is going to get to spend some time away from Washington, especially since he has been working so hard.  And, everyone deserves a vacation every month or so.
  • The Lifeguard thinks that a more meaningful Spring Break for his family would be to have the girls (and their friends) give tours of the White House. 
  • POLITICO reporter Lois Romano called the CEO of the National Rifle Association, Wayne LaPierre, "a tired old white guy...."  Would there be outrage if someone called President Obama "a well-spoken black guy"?  Why is it okay to bad-mouth someone who is interested in protecting a real Constitutional right?  (And, if the Framers are to be believed, the second most important Constitutional right.)
  • Banks wrote down $3 billion in student loan debt in the first two months of 2013.  This is a problem, right?  
  • Is The Lifeguard the only one who thinks that another bubble is about to burst?  Easy student loan money, coupled with outrageously high tuition and a soft job market are stressing the system to the breaking point; and, with the value of an undergraduate degree declining, the problem seems as though it can only get worse.
  • Maybe those unemployed students could get a job driving a limousine for the vice president.  (The Lifeguard hears that he's paying $321,665.00 to cart his staff around for a day.)
  • Putting your money in Eurozone banks might be a bad idea, since raiding banks to save the Euro has worked so well in Cyprus.
  • Did more than one person think about Miley Cyrus when reading the stories about banks in Cyprus?
  • An Irish town legalizes drinking and driving.  The Lifeguard is contemplating a move.
That's all for now, y'all.



Friday, March 22, 2013

Speedos!

Peace In Our Time
Y'all have been waiting for the Post-Papal edition of Speedos

  • The Preezy of the Heezy finally got around to visiting Israel.  (Apparently, he's been way too busy the last four and a half years.)  In a speech that would have made Neville Chamberlain proud, President Obama urged Israel to "compromise" with the people who want to drive them off of their lands and into the sea.  Fortunately, his inroads to the Arab world have boosted America's standing in the Middle East.  (To about where it was in the Carter Administration.)
  • Why is it that the Palestinians honor Yasser Arafat?  He stole billions from them.  He kept them from meaningful reforms that could have led to a peaceful solution with Israel.  He was a religion-baiting charlatan.  In the United States, we would never revere someone who was a race-baiter, for instance.  
  • The Lifeguard wonders whether Arafat might have gotten a show on MSNBC, were he still alive today.
  • The Long Island Railroad (LIRR) has "Kegel" advertisements in rail cars.  This is offending some; but, The Lifeguard is on board with the campaign.  (The Lifeguard is happy to lend his expertise to any women who want to test the success of their exercise regimen.)
  • The Roman Catholic Church has a new pope, the former Jorge Cardinal Bergoglio, was elected on March 13, 2013.  He selected the name Francis, and has been shaking up the world with his humility, his gentleness, and his fervent faith.  As an alumnus of a Jesuit school, The Lifeguard is proud to see a Jesuit as CEO of the Roman church.
  • The Lifeguard wonders, however, if some members of the College of Cardinals threw a couple of million on Bergoglio, to win, in the fifth.
  • Vice Preezy of the Heezy, Joe Biden took a little trip.  The hotel bill was...gulp...$459,388.65.  Well, what the hell, it's not like there's a financial crisis or anything.
  • Customers at Gregg's, a chain of Rhode Island restaurants, will have to fill out forms if they intend to pay with a hundred dollar bill.  The restaurant is adopting this policy to prevent the use of counterfeit hundreds.  (Note to counterfeiters:  Use counterfeit fifties when dining at Gregg's.)
  • The University of Tennessee was going to sponsor "Sex Week."  The tab for the week-long event?  $20,000.00.  Shit!  The Lifeguard would have done the week for $5,000.00 (and ten kegs of PBR).  Sadly, the UT students won't get to take classes like "Getting Laid" and "How Many Licks Does it Take?"
  • Why do college kids need a week-long course in sex?  What the fuck is going on at UT that kids need classes to learn about sex?
  • Aren't UT students already shelling out $13,000.00 a year to learn about sex?
  • Do you know how you get the UT student off of your front doorstep?  You pay him for the pizza.
  • The US Air Force Academy has canceled their July 4th celebration.  Due to budget cuts related to Sequestration.  What next?  Eliminating uniforms?
  • ObamaCare could lead to health care premiums increasing sharply.  Because that's what ObamaCare was supposed to do.  Seriously, what did people think would happen when insurers are prevented from contemplating health risks, age, and medical histories in setting premiums?  
  • 10-1, tobacco users will still have to pay higher premiums than everyone else.
  • The Lifeguard is so happy that he doesn't have a bank account in Cyprus.
  • Another sign that the US economy is in ruin:  In the past, every time The Lifeguard vacuumed his car, he collected a couple of bucks in change off of the ground around the vacuums.  These days, there is no change on the ground.  You know things are bad when people don't throw out their pennies, nickels, and dimes.
That's it for now.  

Ciao!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Erin Go Bragh!

Happy St. Patrick's Day
The Lifeguard celebrated in his usual fashion; and, when it was all over, everyone was smiling.

Ah, the luck of the Irish.

(Well, they are Irish...and everyone got lucky.)

Coming soon!  Another edition of Speedos!


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

It's That Time of Year

How Many Doctors Does It Take To Examine The Lifeguard?
Exactly the same number as it does to search The Lifeguard at the security checkpoint at the airport.  (Except the TSA drones are less hot and more inept.)

As the team of doctors swarmed over The Lifeguard, he began thinking about the changes that were most certainly coming to American health care thanks to the $1.3 trillion prostate exam that we are about to receive thanks to ObamaCare.  Not only will everyone be shunted into one-size-fits-all plans, there will be copious litigation the very first time someone is denied treatment under their government-funded healthcare.

"You have AIDS and want an organ transplant?  Sure.  We can do that.  Just don't sue us."

"You are 75 years old and want a hip replacement?  Fuck you!  Wait!  You have a lawyer?  Sure.  We can do that."

Has anyone factored the additional costs of ObamaCare into the equation?  $20,000.00 per family?  The only reason that is "saving" The Lifeguard money is that The Lifeguard already pays $22,000.00 per year for shitty insurance, so of course The Lifeguard will dance a jig at the prospect of saving $2,000.00 on insurance.  (Of course, that two grand will just cover the tax increase that he swallowed thanks to the Preezy of the Heezy.)

But, The Lifeguard digresses....

The all-female medical team went to work, lighting candles, opening the wine, and setting the mood with some soft jazz.

"Strip down to your underwear and put on the hospital johnny," the first doctor asked.

"The Lifeguard doesn't wear underwear," The Lifeguard said, peeling away his blue jeans and T-shirt.

The doctors gasped at the magnificence of The Lifeguard's equipment, and immediately began casting lots for the opportunity to conduct the examination.  Fortunately, The Lifeguard is magnanimous, telling his medical team to be patient.

"How do you like your prostate exam?" she asked.  "Do you prefer to lay down, or to bend over?"  She put on her glove, warmed the lube, and began the rather intimate (but thorough) examination.  

And, two hours later, The Lifeguard was confident that his prostate is healthy, since four very meticulous doctors can't be wrong.

"Do you mind if I check your testicles for cancer?" she asked.

"Well, you are the doctor.  If you must," The Lifeguard responded.

Again, no abnormalities, as the four ladies were pretty thorough.

Then, came the inevitable questions about...well...you know.

"Blah, blah, eleven times a day, blah, blah, blah."

(The Lifeguard notes that after his extensive work with Nurse Dagmar and Nurse Midori, he is waaay more comfortable with these questions.)

And, all things being equal, the two-day exam (with breaks for Champagne, snacks, and showers) was pretty painless.  

(Well, there are at least two doctors who are walking funny, but that's their issue, not The Lifeguard's.)

Coming soon:  Speedos!




Tuesday, March 05, 2013

Is it any wonder?

"The Lifeguard Is About This Big"
The Lifeguard doesn't remember who this dude is, but he does remember him saying that a thorough search of someone as endowed as The Lifeguard will take a long time.

Another reason that Travel Sucks Already.

Saturday, March 02, 2013

The World Didn't End


News Flash!
The Lifeguard woke up this morning, expecting Sequestergeddon.  Instead, he discovered three Lufthansa stewardess uniforms, eight empty bottles of Pol Roger, and four naked Lufthansa stewardesses.  (The Lifeguard is, as of this writing, uncertain where the fourth stewardess came from, or where her uniform is.)

In any event, The Lifeguard thought that this would be a good time for a Sequestered edition of Speedos!  (Especially since The Lifeguard will be sequestered with the stewardesses during their layover.)

  • The TSA (Travel Sucks Already) is instituting a hiring freeze, which could lead to a doubling of wait times at the nation's busiest airports.  So, that means that we'll have to wait twice as long for shitty treatment, groping by incompetent morons, and lax security.
  • The TSA is headed by a guy named John Pistole.  Pistole.  
  • The Lifeguard thinks that armed pilots would be a boon to airline security.  (Unfortunately, the Preezy of the Heezy does not.)
  • Sequestration cuts led to Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) releasing 2,000 detainees. 
  • Does the Department of Homeland Security ever do anything to ensure homeland security? 
  • Illegal immigrants with drug-resistant tuberculosis might be running around the United States..  The Lifeguard wonders how ObamaCare will deal with these folks, especially given the fact that this is one of the biggest threats to world health.  (The drug-resistant TB, not ObamaCare.)
  • The Lifeguard wonders how long it will take for the first lawsuit to be filed as a result of exposure to the infected immigrant.  Or, how much it will cost to treat the other illegal immigrants who were infected.  Or, how much it will cost the United States to bring their relatives to the US.  Or, whether anyone cares.
  • Taco Bell discovered horse meat in tacos.  The Lifeguard is shocked.  (Not that there was horse meat in the tacos; but, rather, that there was any meat at all.)
That's enough for now, y'all.

Enjoy the sequester.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Happy Valentine's Day

It's A Long, Cold Winter
The Lifeguard's Valentine's Day plans were thwarted by a massive snowstorm which dropped as much as three feet of snow over New England.  And, as flights were canceled, The Lifeguard did his part to entertain the crew that was supposed to work his flight.  Unfortunately, the ladies weren't prepared for the winter weather, and The Lifeguard was forced inside.

Now, four days later, the ladies are winging their way south, and The Lifeguard is left behind to cope with the remnants of the storm, the sub-freezing temperatures, and this edition of Speedos!

  • The Preezy of the Heezy is coping with (more) shitty economic news, caused by the impending SEQUESTER, increased payroll taxes, high fuel costs, and higher marginal tax rates by doing the only logical thing.  He's going to play golf.  (And, who can blame him, he's got the cash, the time, and the cool-ass plane.)
  • The press corps is seething over the fact that they have no access while he's on spring break.  Apparently, it's true, no good deed goes unpunished.  (And, by "good deed," The Lifeguard means "years of never asking difficult questions.")
  • A meteor hit Russia on February 15th.  The Russian air defense radars failed to detect its approach.  Maybe this is why President Obama is gutting US missile defenses in Eastern Europe.  After all, if their early-warning radars miss a giant meteor, maybe their missiles will work just as well.
  • The United Nations wants to get involved in tracking objects from space. Sounds reasonable, since the UN has done such a great job keeping peace in Africa.
  • The City of Baltimore, in Maryland, spent $585,000.00 on a consultant, whose task was to find ways for the city to save money.  Note to Baltimore:  The Lifeguard would have done it for $250,000.00.
  • Chicago's police superintendent, Garry McCarthy, blamed the Second Amendment for the violence in Chicago.  This seems reasonable, since all of those murders were caused by law-abiding citizens carrying legal firearms.  Well, weren't they?
  • Garry McCarthy wins The Lifeguard's award for Dumbass of the Week.
  • Danica Patrick made NASCAR history by being the hottest pole-sitter in the history of NASCAR.  (The Lifeguard can't bring himself to call it a sport.)  Speaking of pole-sitting, The Lifeguard has an opportunity for Danica.
  • New York City is planning to round up the mentally ill.  The Lifeguard suggests that they start over in Turtle Bay.  Maybe go to Albany. 
  • Pope Benedict XVI proves his humility by resigning as pope.  If only other people would show such sack.  Kudos to the Holy Father.
  • The Lifeguard promises to resign if ever he is unable to carry out his responsibilities.  
That's all for now, boys and girls.

Peace!

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

You May Kiss The Bride...

Hitched!
In Provincetown, Massachusetts ("America's Gayest Town"), Egyptian president Mohammed Morsi and Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad were married in a private ceremony.  

"If we were in our own countries, we would have to have ourselves stoned or hanged," said Ahmadinejad.  "We thank the Great Satan for letting us express our commitment," noted Ahmadinejad.  "And," he said, "it looks like I'm going to be an 'Asstronaut' after all."

"That is the trouble with the love whose name must not be spoken,"  said Morsi.  "We are so grateful to have the opportunity to share our love for each other in this manner," the Egyptian Brotherhood heavyweight stated.

The couple dined on a traditional New England clam bake before trekking into Boston, where they danced the night away at the Ram Rod Nightclub.  The following morning, they flew out of Logan on their way to a six-day, seven-night tour of former concentration camps, followed by a Holocaust Deniers cruise.

The happy pair is registered at Bed, Bath & Beyond, Home Depot, and Macy's.

Mr. and Mr. Morsi-Ahmadinejad will split their time between Tehran and Cairo.

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

It's February...

Speedos!
Do you have any fucking idea how busy The Lifeguard is?  Or, how hard it is to be funny all of the time?  Or, how many stewardesses there are on a 787 Dreamliner?  

No?  The Lifeguard didn't think so.

But, these are all valid considerations, so back off!  Now, without further adieu, it's Speedos!
  • A group of Spanish tourists, visiting the famed Punta Diamante area of Acapulco, had their villa raided by armed thugs.  The men were bound with telephone cables, and the women were tied up with their bikinis and gang-raped.  And the United States is considering amnesty for illegal immigrants, some of whom have committed similar crimes in their countries; and, who might just likely commit similar crimes here in America?  Um...yeah.  Swell idea.  Great idea.  How about we don't allow immigration from any country that can't control crime.  And, how about we all stay the hell out of Mexico.
  • Former Democrat (duh!) Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr.'s wife, Sandi Jackson, is under investigation by the Feds.  Wait!  Corruption in Chicago?  The Lifeguard is shocked.  Next thing you know, you'll be telling The Lifeguard that there are a lot of murders in Chicago, a city with some of the nation's tightest restrictions on gun ownership.
  • Chicago was the Murder Capital of America in 2012.  And don't even think about trying to call 9-1-1 if you aren't in the process of being murdered.
  • Detroit has a new slogan for 2013.  "Visit Detroit, where you are less likely to be murdered than if you visit Chicago."
  • She should have had The Lifeguard as her lawyer.  (The Lifeguard once had a client call a judge a cunt, in open court.  The client only spent a few hours in a cell before he apologized and was sent on his way.)
  • The Lifeguard congratulates the Baltimore Ravens on their Super Bowl win.  The Lifeguard also congratulates whatever douche bag was behind bringing the Sandy Hook choir to sing, thus politicizing (perhaps unintentionally) the shooting last December.  Why didn't they bring in the Benghazi Consulate Barbershop Quartet to sing a ditty at the half?
  • It used to be that the player who survived the big game and was chosen as MVP got to go to Disney World.  Now, if  you survive a school massacre, you get to go to the Super Bowl.
  • We are still waiting for news on the Benghazi Consulate debacle.  "Nope.  It's not terrorism.  Nothing to see here."  But, when there is a bombing at the US Embassy in Ankara, the administration can't call it terrorism fast enough.
  • Chicago is contemplating a twenty-five-cent-per-pair tax on basketball shoes.  Um.  Isn't that kind of racist?  And, won't that encourage more crime and tax-avoidance?  After all, you don't pay tax on stolen kicks.  And, if there's a tax, won't that encourage an underground market for shoes?  Or discourage people from exercising?  
  • How stupid are people in Chicago?  (Rhetorical question.  Don't answer.)  More gun control leads to more murders.  More taxes leads to lower tax revenues.  And fewer kids shooting hoop (and getting fat in the process) because they don't want to wear out their shoes.  Thank Christ President Obama isn't like that.
  • President Obama's consigliere, Attorney General Eric Holder, has put his imprimatur on the use of drone strikes to kill American citizens who might be “senior operational leaders” of al-Qaida or “an associated force” -- even if there is no intelligence indicating they are engaged in an active plot to attack the U.S.  And this is the cat who wanted to close Gitmo?
  • Fifty-four countries offered support of covert rendition after September 11th.  Publicizing this will certainly help those countries' standing in the world.
  • Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants to be shot into space.  The Lifeguard thinks that this might be a good solution to the Iranian problem.  After all, he didn't say anything about coming back.
  • New Jersey senator, Robert Menendez (D-Duh!) has been accused of traveling to the Dominican Republic and having sex with underage girls.  (They are, clearly, doing a job that Americans won't do.)  And yet, there has been radio silence from the media.  
  • Now, if the underage prostitute were also building iPhones, the child-labor activists would be apoplectic.
  • Isn't it a bit incongruous to get worked up about children working in factories while ignoring children being fucked by wealthy tourists?
  • Argentina can't pay the bills, but they are going to reclaim the Falkland Islands within the next twenty years?  Huh?  Those sheep must be worth a fortune.
  • The Democrats want to make voting registration...and voting...easier.  The Lifeguard thinks that this is a galactically stupid idea.  What we need are limitations that prevent voter fraud, intimidation, and a watering down of our right to exercise the right to vote.  That means voter IDs, limitations on early voting, and clearly defined rules relating to absentee ballots.  Sure, these are state-level issues; but, they are important nevertheless.  One needs a photo ID to buy alcohol, get antihistamines, and to get on a plane.  Why not a photo ID to vote.
  • Gas prices are going up again, hitting the non-super-rich.  Now, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick (D-Duh!) wants to raise gas taxes, along with income taxes here in the Commonwealth.  Because that's what we need here in the Commonwealth:  more taxes.
That's enough for today.

Remember, you shouldn't criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes.  (That way, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have his shoes.)

The Lifeguard has to get back to those stewardesses.

Monday, January 21, 2013

The Lifeguard Has A Dream...

And MLK Would Be Proud!
The Lifeguard (and his intern, Anzu) longs for the day when all ice is judged, not by its color, but by its slipperiness.

Therefore, on this Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, The Lifeguard encourages all of y'all to contact your representatives and ask, nay, implore them to pass legislation removing the term "black ice" from the lexicon.

The term, "black ice" implies that something black is worse than something white.  (There isn't, after all, any Puerto Rican ice.)  The term "sheer ice" would be just as descriptive, without bringing race into the mix, and it would be far less offensive to the seven people who get worked up by the use of...well...language.

You know, words like "blacklist," "compound," "Paddy wagon," and "Indian giver."

So, when you next hear someone talk about "black ice," make sure you call them on it.  Tell them it's a racist expression that has no place in this century.  (And remember, The Lifeguard and Anzu are working diligently to make the world a happier place.)