Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Don't forget to vote.

If You Are In Florida, Vote!
The Lifeguard reminds everyone in Florida to get out and vote.  (If you have already voted, get out and vote again.  What the hell.  That's how they do it in Chi-Town.

The Florida Primary is today.

Vote Newt.

You'll be sure to piss off everyone.

Sunday, January 29, 2012


The Audacity of the Dope
President Barack Hussein Obama, who remains firmly non-Muslim, and who has done so much for the faltering American economy, demonstrated that he is just one more in a line of corrupt Chicago politicians.  

Oh, sure, he has picked some winners in the green energy field.  In fact, BHO is a veritable Bernie Madoff when it comes to "investing" in America.  Evergreen, Solyndra, Ener1, Amonix, Inc., and the Chevy Volt are just a few of the winners that the Obama Administration has funded.  For hell's sake, the administration would have done better buying a shitload of scratch tickets rather than dumping money down the green energy rat hole.

Sure, The Lifeguard knows the importance of exploring new energy technologies; but, there is no way in hell that batteries will replace cheap natural gas and oil (that is right here, in North America).  Even the Chinese, building this shit with cheap slave labour are struggling with changes in the way that the industry is funded and does business.

But, then when BHO gets a shot at a real winner--the Keystone XL pipeline--built with $13 billion in TransCanada's cash, he vetoes the project.

Shovel ready?  Yep.

A job creator?  Yep.

Reduces America's dependence on foreign oil?  Yep.

Environmentalists hate it?  Natch.

So, when faced with the choice of employing an estimated 20,000 Americans in high wage union jobs, or protecting Iran's oil industry, BHO calls his shot, swings for the fences, and fucks America.

And, we didn't even get a kiss.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


Jacksonville Debate
The Four Amigos got on the stage at the University of North Florida to duke it out, one last time, before the Florida Primary.  Of course, it took The Lifeguard about 30 minutes to find the show.  (It was on CNN.  Nobody watches CNN anymore.  In fact, The Lifeguard didn't know that he even got CNN on his cable package.)

As has come to be expected, The Lifeguard has a few thoughts on the big show.

  • Mitt and Newt get into it over Mitt's Swiss bank account.  Mitt gives a reasonable answer (about his blind trust); but, The Lifeguard remembers the blind trust being the punchline of a joke during the presidency of Bush The Elder.  The Lifeguard thinks that Obama is champing at the bit to get an opponent who has a numbered Swiss account and a blind trust.
  • The Lifeguard wonders if President Obama put his birth certificate in a blind trust.
  • Mitt all but calls Newt a panderer, saying whatever people in a given state want to hear to win.  (The Lifeguard thinks he hears a pot calling.)  Newt absolutely schools Mitt on how the primaries are the chance for the candidates to see what is important to the people of the several states.
  • Newt wants a colony on the moon?  That might become a state?  The Lifeguard doesn't even know what to say to that.  (Except maybe to agree that we shouldn't cede space to China.)  
  • Did Ron Paul just say that he wanted to get rid of the 16th Amendment?  Yes!
  • A question about which wife will be the best First Lady.  Really?  Who gives a fuck.  Romney talks about his wife being a breast cancer survivor.  How does that make her a good First Lady?  Santorum and Paul talk lovingly about their wives.  Santorum's wife was a nurse and a lawyer.  Impressive.  Newt, talking about Callista, gives the best answer of all.
  • A question about Cuba.  The Lifeguard tends to agree with Ron Paul about sanctions against Cuba being a bad idea.  Mitt Romney couldn't specifically respond to Ron Paul's comments, when asked.  Really?  You can't just ignore the one sane thing that Ron Paul said.
  • A question from a self-described Palestinian-American-Republican.  What the fuck?  Doesn't anyone remember when Palestinians were Arabs?
  • For the record, The Lifeguard knew that there would be some question about Puerto Rico.  He just didn't think it'd be such a stupid one.  There is a better chance that there will be a state on the moon before Puerto Rico becomes a state.
  • The Lifeguard would love to see the candidates do keg stands.
  • Newt sounds presidential.  Not petty.
  • A question on rebuilding America.  Rick Santorum just doesn't seem passionate about anything.  He's like a white Barack Obama, when it comes to speaking style.  (Without the TelePrompTer and with a birth certificate.)  Come to think about it, The Lifeguard could say the same about Mitt.  
  • Post-debate, we learn that Mitt has a new...debate coach?  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?  A debate coach?  It is pretty apparent that the CNN folks love Willard.  (And, hate Newt.)
This one was too close to call.  The Lifeguard gives it to Newt, but The Lifeguard is a little biased.

Sure, Blame Newt...

"Newt Cost Me The Presidency."
Former Senator (and runner-up in the 1996 presidential race) Bob Dole blamed Newt Gingrich for his loss, while endorsing Governor Mitt Romney for the 2012 edition of Republican Idol.


First of all, The Lifeguard thought Bob Dole was dead.  (Actually, The Lifeguard thought that Bob Dole was dead after seeing Bob Dole's debate performances back in 1996.)  

The Lifeguard thought Bob Dole lost in 1996 because Bob Dole was the Mitt Romney of the day.  (That is to say, the "Mitt Romney, with bad hair, a bad hand, and ED.")

Steady, reliable, next in line.  (And zero chance that he'll fuck an intern because...well...draw your own conclusions.)

But, Bob Dole has some sort of axe to grind with Newt, apparently.  Bob Dole doesn't like the Freddie Mac gig, the serial infidelities, the fact that Newt has a working penis.  Bob Dole is angry that Newt shut down the government when he was House Speaker.  Bob Dole is annoyed that Newt had balls back in the '90s, and that Newt has balls now.  Bob Dole is...well...a grumpy old man.

Face it.  Bob Dole was a bad choice in 1996, and he's asking Republicans to make a bad choice now.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Separated At Birth?
Do-It-Yourself Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong?
Two Pictures Of The Same Person?
Like Fox News, The Lifeguard reports, you decide.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

The Lifeguard Looked Up "Attention Whores" In His Armenian Dictionary

He saw this picture.


Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi Shows Off Her New Look
It still looks like do-it-yourself plastic surgery gone wrong; but, she seems happy with the results.  Of course, one would think that a woman who has been so successful picking stocks would get a plastic surgeon, not a syringe full of hot beef fat.


DIY Plastic Surgery Never Works
In yet another example of do-it-yourself plastic surgery gone awry, this woman claims....

Wait!  What?  It's former Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)?

It wasn't do-it-yourself plastic surgery?

Whoa!  And here The Lifeguard thought that this was yet another case of an attention-seeking seventy-something with a syringe full of hot beef fat and a jones for eternal youth.

And, for the record, sunshine, when your enemy (the Republican Party) is in the process of destroying itself (by nominating Newt Gingrich), you never try to stop them.  (Unless, you are an attention-seeking seventy-something with botched do-it-yourself plastic surgery.)

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

By popular demand.

This Is The Lifeguard's Most Popular Post
Visitors from the United States (including US governmental agencies), Brazil, Norway, Qatar, and the Islamic Republic of Iran (to name five) love this picture (and accompanying post).

(The Lifeguard can't help but think that someone is probably rotting in a dank, dark cell as a result of them having looked at this picture.)

Florida Debate

Who The Fuck Cares?
There was another debate among the four remaining candidates vying for the Republican Presidential nomination.  As always, The Lifeguard offers insightful commentary on the debate, the issues, and any hot chicks in the audience.

The Lifeguard wanted to be in Tampa to cover the debate, but he was detained by the TSA (Travel Sucks Already) as a result of the large number of The Lifeguard's prior remarks about the agency.  Fortunately, The Lifeguard was soon installed in a comfortable waiting room, complete with TV and bar, where he was able to watch the contest (with Lucy, the winsome TSA agent responsible for his sequestration).

  • The candidates remind The Lifeguard of high school.  Ron Paul was the weird kid who wrestled; and, in spite of doing a sport that involved grappling with sweaty guys, was fairly popular.  Mitt Romney was the handsome kid who everyone liked, but that no one wanted to hang out with.  (Probably because he was the kid who brought his own carton of milk to the kegger at the beach.)  Newt Gingrich was the geek that could hang with any clique--because he could help you with your physics homework (for a small fee).  And, Rick Santorum?  He was the kid who got wedgies.  Every day.  (Even from Newt.)
  • The Lifeguard has deja vu every time he sees a story about Gabby Giffords.  Oh, wait.  It was the movie, Regarding Henry.  (True, not debate-related; but, it has been in the news.)
  • Santorum.  Blah, blah, blah.  I want to tell him to shut the fuck up and get out of the race.  He couldn't get re-elected in his home state, he can't get elected president.  
  • Ron Paul.  Blah, blah, blah.  He says the same things, over and over.  He is one crazy dude; but, I have to admire his pluck.  And, he leads a movement.  A pretty impressive movement.
  • When Willard tries to be the aggressor, he sounds mean.  Like he is just saying mean things to be mean.  He is not in the least passionate, and The Lifeguard believes that this would hurt him against BHO (who is passionately not Muslim).  In fact, Huntsman was right.  Willard is little more than a "...well-lubricated weather vane."  (Albeit a very wealthy weather vane.)
  • Newt was presidential.  He didn't throw out any red meat; but, he was a commanding presence.
  • Santorum and Romney are nervous about Newt's momentum.  The knives are out for Gingrich, and there will be many more attacks
The questions and answers are all running together.  The Lifeguard can't take much more of this.

The Lifeguard needs to get back to the TSA agent who is presently detaining him.  She appears to have produced a 5 ounce bottle of a suspicious gel and is badly in need of a pat down, restraint, and (possibly) a cavity search.

"Lucy, you've got some 'splainin' to do."

Friday, January 20, 2012


South Carolina Debate Recap
The CNN-sponsored Republican debate happened last night, and it was a pleasure to watch.  As always, The Lifeguard has a few thoughts about the big show, and how it affects the upcoming South Carolina Primary.

  • South Carolina Governor, Nikki Haley, is easy on the eyes.
  • John King, the CNN moderator was not terrible.  (He wasn't good, either; but, he was not terrible.)  Also, King wasn't sweating like a pig, as George Stephanopoulos was a few weeks ago.
  • The first question was about Marianne Gingrich--to Newt--and what comment he had about her interview.  Yeah, a weighty question about shit that Americans really want to know.  Seriously?  When has the ex (who is the veteran of a bitter divorce) ever been an honest broker about anything?  (And, frankly, Marianne Gingrich is a bitter looking woman looking for her fifteen minutes of fame.  The Lifeguard can almost hear her screaming, "I could have been the First Lady!")
  • Rick Santorum talks about his bona fides.  Yet, he couldn't get re-elected to the US Senate...as a mother-humping incumbent.  (Proving the old saw, "When given the choice between the Democrat and the Democrat, the people will vote for the Democrat every time.)
  • Santorum says that he doesn't want the Republican nominee to be a person who the voters worry about "...what he'll say."  (The Lifeguard doesn't want the Republican nominee to be a) a loser who can't win a statewide re-election campaign, who b) wears sweater vests, and c) who has a Google problem.)  
  • Rick Santorum is a decent fellow, but he can't win.  (At least the other Rick knew when to fold 'em.)
  • Mitt Romney should release his freaking tax returns.  The Lifeguard can't help but think that this is his Birth Certificate Moment, and if he simply releases the returns, he'll shut up a lot of his detractors.
  • Ron Paul is crazy.  But, the Republicans marginalise him at their peril.  He speaks for more than just the party.  He speaks for a movement.  
  • Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney can sound petulant, pedantic, and (in some instances) downright mean.  
  • Newt is very good.  He knows...well...everything.  The Lifeguard can't imagine a situation where he'll be tripped up on the facts.  (His mess of a personal life?  Perhaps.  Issues?  Never.)
  • Newt has the best line of the night.  "Elect Republicans, and we’ll help your kids move out, get a job and get their own health insurance."
  • Newt and Romney are running neck and neck.  Romney, however, is coming off a bad performance Monday night (in which the lighting made his hands look positively evil) and an equally flat performance last night.  Newt, on the other hand, is surging, coming off a strong Monday debate.  He did nothing to disrupt the surge, either, coming off as the clear winner last night.
  • Jon Huntsman still has hot daughters, even if he looks like Barney Fife.
  • The Lifeguard kind of missed Rick Perry.  Kind of.

Thursday, January 19, 2012


Maybe Rick Perry Is The Tim Tebow Of The Republican Candidates...
He sure as hell got beat like Tim Tebow did last Saturday, in Foxborough.

And now, like Tim, he's out for the season.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Another one bites the dust...

Jon Huntsman To Withdraw From The Race
Huntsman chose to dress in his deputy sheriff's uniform to announce his support for the other wealthy Mormon former-governor (and his willingness to serve as Ambassador to China...or, deputy sheriff.)

Slicker, puh-lease!

The Lifeguard Wonders
If there is a storm in the ghetto, and the snow melts, then re-freezes, is the result "black ice"?

Isn't "black ice" far more treacherous than regular ice?  (It's definitely worse than the "white stuff.")

Will "black ice" fuck you up if you are Asian, and own a grocery store?

Will "black ice" kick your narrow white ass if you are Hasidim?

Isn't "black ice" an outdated expression of hatred and evil?  Should we even talk about "black ice" causing people to be late to work?  Isn't it a term to be consigned to the ash-heap of history?

(The answer to the above questions are:  No, Yes, No, No, Yes, No, and Yes.

So, on this MLK Day, join The Lifeguard in his attempts to eliminate this hateful expression from our lexicon.  Let's make the use of the term, "black ice" history.

(Your donations to this important cause are, as always, welcome.  Simply click on the link and give what you can.)

Sunday, January 08, 2012


Governor Jon Huntsman Checking His National Poll Numbers Using New Hampshire's Only Telephone
The Lifeguard sat down with a tumbler of Maker's Mark and watched the ABC News debate, live from St. Anselm College.  As predicted, the chattering skulls giving post-debate analysis gave Mitt Romney the gold, and Rick Santorum the silver.  The Lifeguard, on the other hand, had a different opinion, based upon observations made throughout the debate.

  • Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney were almost indistinguishable from each other.  One's a white guy who lost a senate race to Ted Kennedy, the other is a white guy who lost a senate race (as an incumbent) to Bob Casey, Jr.  It's like trying to choose between a Snickers Bar and a Mars Bar.  They are a lot alike, they both are pretty good.  And, both of them lead to regrets after you make your choice.
  • At first glance, The Lifeguard didn't know that Jon Huntsman (shown above) was on the stage.  After a few minutes, The Lifeguard noticed that Huntsman and Don Knotts were obviously separated at birth.  Then, The Lifeguard began wishing that Huntsman was someplace else.
  • So was Huntsman.
  • ABC was fucking with Dr. Kevorkian...um...Paul by giving him a microphone that didn't seem to work (at first).  By the end of the debate, The Lifeguard was wishing that the problem hadn't been fixed.
  • Newt Gingrich wore a yellow shirt.  What the fuck?!?
  • Ron Paul is so thoroughly gone, he's funny.  Seriously, the man is bugfuck crazy.
  • George Stephanopoulos was sweating like a whore in church.  The Lifeguard doesn't think he's ever seen a media guy sweat so profusely.  And, he looked a little jaundiced.  (About the same colour as Newt's shirt.)
  • Diane Sawyer has not aged well.
  • These were some of the dumbest questions ever.  Ever.
  • Rick Santorum = Michele Bachmann.  (They're both annoying, but she's better looking.)
  • No one, save for Newt Gingrich, attacked Mitt Romney.
  • Was Rick Perry there?  Oh, yeah, he was.  (Wished he was somewhere else.)
  • Everyone seems to be worried about Mitt Romney's religion.  No one cares about Jon Huntsman's.
The Lifeguard calls this debate a draw.  A six-way tie.  A complete waste of time.

G'night, y'all!

Saturday, January 07, 2012

He still has a Google problem...

"The Lifeguard Is This Wide."
Can you imagine the Santorum The Lifeguard could create if he played for the other team?

Just sayin', but you'd need a Subaru full of Astroglide.

In a call centre?

This Is So Wrong...
Not the fact that this young woman, Jakadrien Turner was deported (even though she was an American citizen); but, the fact that she claimed to be Tika Lanay Cortez (an illegal immigrant, from Colombia) at every turn.

It seems that young Jakadrien ran away from her Dallas home in November, 2010.  (Probably because her mother, Johnisa had named her Jakadrien.)  When she was picked up for stealing (in Houston), she insisted that her name was Tika Lanay Cortzez (which is only slightly less bad a name than Jakadrien Turner).  She was processed through the system (where she was represented by a defence attorney) and eventually deported to Colombia, where she was enrolled in a "Welcome Home" programme and given a job in a call centre.  (A call centre!  Even though she didn't speak Spanish.)

Wait!  The Lifeguard is actually not surprised that a non-Spanish speaking person would be given a job in a call centre.  (Who the hell needs to speak the language to be in customer service?)

Subsequently, Jakadrien got tired of working, cleared up the identity issues, and went on welfare...in Colombia.  (Before the age of 18, Jakadrian has managed the rare feat of being on welfare in not one, but two countries.)  Her return to the United States was facilitated through her grandmother's use of Facebook, which has added a "Find deported relatives with stupid names" app.

She returned to the United States last night to crowds, cameras, her parents (well, her grandmother and mother*), and her attorney, Ray Jackson.  (Jakadrien is going for the trifecta:  Welfare in two countries, and a big-ass settlement after her lawyer sues the United States of America.)

Of course, this begs the question, "From what (or whom) was she running?"

It takes a lot to choose deportation to a Third World country (sorry Colombia) over living in Dallas (or Houston).  It seems to The Lifeguard that this is a young woman, with a young and immature mother (after all, it was the grandmother who tracked her down), desperately in need of some attention.  (The Lifeguard also notes that this is just about the fastest deportation ever.  Ever.  Would that we could deport the real illegal aliens just as quickly.)

There is so much that is wrong with this story, and the fact that the media reports that a teen-aged American was deported causes most people to stop listening to the rest of the facts.  (Not only to stop listening, but to disregard them completely.)  The Lifeguard hopes that when this case goes to the jury (and it will), that the veniremen will see that if anyone is at fault, it was Jakadrien.  (Of course, The Lifeguard doesn't believe that for a second.  Jakadrien will have her own reality show on OWN, a big award, and government housing.)

*The Lifeguard will not point out the conspicuous absence of Jakadrien's father.

A modest proposal...

The Lifeguard Wants A Chain Of Volt Dealerships Throughout The Middle East
The Chevy Volt is a wonder of American engineering, not unlike the Ford Pinto, the Chevy Corvair, and the AMC Pacer.

Unlike the Pacer, it's actually kind of sporty.

Unlike the Corvair, it has good handling.

Unlike the Pinto, it doesn't burst into....  Wait!  It does burst into flame!

So, The Lifeguard has developed a modest proposal to help the government of the United States recoup the billions of taxpayer dollars flushed down the General Motors rat-hole.

Hundreds of thousands of Chevy Volts sold to Al Qaeda, the Taliban, and the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.

These suicide bombermobiles don't even need to be fitted with explosives (or timers) to burst into flame.

Imagine the efficiency (and reduction of greenhouse gases) that will come about as a result of the sale of these babies in the tinder box that is the broader Middle East.

Mahmoud:  "Abdul, you have been selected to be a martyr for Allah."

Abdul:  "Allah be praised.  Where is my suicide bomber vest?"

Mahmoud:  "No need for that.  We have purchased a 2011 Chevy Volt for you.  Simply drive it over to the Sbarro--it's only about ten miles away--and it will burst into flame, slaughtering many infidels."

Abdul:  [Pulling up outside of the Sbarro]  "Allahu akbar!"  [Puff!]

No longer do the enemies of The Great Satan (or, The Little Satan) have to risk premature explosions of IEDs and suicide bomber vests.  They can ride in air conditioned comfort (as long as the ride isn't more than 35 miles) to their penultimate destination.  (Next stop, Paradise!)

And, given the vast numbers of prospective martyrs, each driving a $40,000.00 Chevy Volt, The General could make a killing.  (Literally.)

So, The Lifeguard will be contacting President Obama (who remains, not a Muslim) with this business opportunity.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012


He's Right About The Lifeguard...
But So Wrong For America.
Iowa is so irrelevant.

The First-In-The-Nation Iowa Caucuses are today, and the big winners will be candidates who are so fucking stupid that they couldn't beat President Obama (in the general election) if they were on the ballot by themselves.

One-time loser, former Senator Rick Santorum is surging; but, people forget that he lost a senate race (when he was the incumbent).  And, let's also not forget that he looks like a giant tool in his sweater vest, or that Googling his name gets you to an X-Rated web-site.

Now, it's true that The Lifeguard is somewhere to the right of Santorum; but, even so, there is no excitement for this douchebag's candidacy.  After all, if the present occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (who was a senator) is viewed as a failure, what is this loser going to be?  Hell, at least Obama won his seat fair and square.  One would think that the Pennsylvania Republican Party could have stolen enough votes to get Santorum another term.

Congressman Ron Paul?  He's another piece of work.  Googling "Bugfuck Crazy" should get you to a picture of the Texas gynecologist.  (It doesn't, but it should.)  This cat wants to let Iran get some nukes.  That pretty much sums up The Lifeguard's opinion of Candidate Paul.  The liberals love this guy, especially if he takes his merry band of retards and sets off on a third-party campaign for the White House.  The fact that he is even on Iowans radar screens convinces The Lifeguard that Iowans should not be allowed to vote.  Ever.

Mitt Romney, is also surging in Iowa.  The man who will say anything to get elected has proven that he will...well...say anything to get elected.  As a man who worked on Romney's campaigns, The Lifeguard has seen his burning desire to be the POTUS.  From Massachusetts flip-flops, to his liberal record as chief executive of the Commonwealth, Romney has been a weather vane with magnificent hair.

And, truth be told, when President Obama's minions say they are "afraid" of running against Romney in the general, what they really are saying is, "When given the choice between the Democrat and the Democrat, the people will vote for the Democrat every time."

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann?  She's nuts.  (And, frankly, The Lifeguard wishes she'd shut the fuck up.)

Next up, the second most insignificant state primary:  New Hampshire!