Monday, November 28, 2011

It's official.

And, It's Not Just Because The Camera Adds Inches...


After weeks of debate, Becky O'Hara decides to get to the bottom of one of the more pressing issues facing the leaders of the world.


The bottom line?  The Lifeguard is da shit.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Bipartisan Support!

BHO Tells A Crowd The Truth!


The Lifeguard is The Eighth Wonder of The Modern World.

"I just hope he stays the hell away from Michelle," President Obama said.

The Lifeguard Loves Bush!

And Though It Might Be Painful To Admit...
Bush loves The Lifeguard.


Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

Now That's A Cane!
In the hopes of burnishing his credibility, the former Godfather of Godfather's Pizza attempted to demonstrate his knowledge of foreign policy and world events by confirming what Merkel and Putin have been saying.

Now that's big news.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Huntsman Was There...
He knows what Merkel and Emanuel know about The Lifeguard.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Thank you for your service.


THANK YOU, FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE LIFEGUARD'S HEART.


The Lifeguard asks that you take a moment to remember those who died in the service of this great nation, be they soldiers, sailors, airmen, coast guardsmen, or Marines.

Then, thank those that work so hard to defend our freedoms from bad people who wish to do us harm.

May God bless and keep you, one and all.

Speedos!

Just When You Thought It Was Safe...
The Lifeguard was watching two very mediocre teams play volleyball.  There wasn't much skill on the part of the teams, and it was not unlike watching paint dry.  But for the fact that there is rally scoring, the match would have lasted forever.  And The Lifeguard hasn't heard people yelling "free ball" that much since the New York Gay Men's Chorus and The Chippendales played the 2009 Cannibal Convention at the Bellagio.

A trip to K-Mart?  Occasionally, it's necessary, if for no other reason than it's the only store in the shopping plaza.  Where else can one find a collection of freaks and morons?  (Outside of the carnival, of course.)  Not only were the aisles empty, the store smelled vaguely of ass-sweat and body odour, with a hint of popcorn and Icee.  (Sort of like the way the Occupy Wall Street compound smells, but better.)  Even the poor don't want to go into K-Mart...for good reason.  (The Lifeguard needed a full-scale decontamination after his visit.  You know, the kind you get after exposure to radiation or chemicals.)

And, what about McDonald's?  While The Lifeguard usually eschews fast food, he is drawn to McDonald's french fries like Amy Winehouse to a crack pipe.  The only difference is that crack might just be less harmful than the fries.

Presidential contender, Texas Governor Rick Perry had another stellar performance at the last debate.  Not only did he forget one of the central themes of his own campaign, he forgot it for 53 seconds.  Now, The Lifeguard is no fan of The Rickster--who is a lot like The Huckster--but, even The Lifeguard knew the three Departments that should be eliminated.

The movie, The Ides of March, starring George Clooney (as an all-white amalgam of President Barack Hussein Obama and William Jefferson Clinton), is an interesting and engaging view of a presidential campaign.  (A Democrat presidential campaign, natch.)  Was it worth $10.00?  No.  But, The Lifeguard had nothing better to do for two hours.

Is this enough mean-spirited and crass commentary for the night?

The Lifeguard says, "Yes!"

Goodnight, y'all.




Cainiac!
Former Godfather's Pizza CEO--and Republican presidential candidate, Herman Cain has been spending the last few days defending himself against charges that he sexually harassed a whole boatload of women.  This begs the question, was The Lifeguard the only one who thought of this?

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Beautify Boston


Genius!
In a stroke of absolute genius, the City of Boston, the Hub of the Universe, takes the first positive step in making one of the most beautiful cities in the world even more beautiful.

As of November 1st, all public restrooms in Boston have a strict "No Ugly Women" policy, which has been cleverly disguised as a "No Dogs" mandate.  Of course, accepting that there are attractive women in wheelchairs, they are allowed to use the public facilities.

Furthermore, as the Occupy Boston hysteria continues--and the cold weather arrives--the new policy will likely drive a significant number of the 99% from their digs on Dewey Square.  (Fortunately, Occupy Worcester is willing to accept the ugliest of the wretched refuse--which is no surprise, because Worcester is already a pretty ugly city.)

So, if you are ugly, stay away from Boston.  It's the law.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

A Modest Proposal...

OBAMACARE RULES!


President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) continued his push for a takeover of one-sixth of the domestic economy, shouting that he "...will not accept the status quo. Not this time. Not now."

This begs the question: "What's wrong with the status quo?"

Really, except for the fact that there is runaway corruption in Medicare, an over-abundance of defensive medicine, and competition-busting legislation that prevents American consumers from shopping for health-care across the nation, there is nothing wrong with the system.