Tuesday, March 26, 2013


It Could Be Worse...
You could be Amanda Knox, with all of your money in a Cypriot bank.

Yeah.  It's Speedos!

  • American femme fatale, Amanda Knox, had her heart stop when she learned that Italian law doesn't contemplate double jeopardy.  The Italian prosecutors will get another shot at Amanda Knox (and her less-hot Italian boyfriend), following an appellate court's grant of a new trial. 
  • The trial will happen, in absentia, because the United States will not likely extradite her.
  • Don't you think that Marcia Clark is wishing that O.J. Simpson had killed Nicole in Italy?
  • The First Family is off to the Bahamas.  For a vacation.  The Lifeguard is grateful that President Obama is going to get to spend some time away from Washington, especially since he has been working so hard.  And, everyone deserves a vacation every month or so.
  • The Lifeguard thinks that a more meaningful Spring Break for his family would be to have the girls (and their friends) give tours of the White House. 
  • POLITICO reporter Lois Romano called the CEO of the National Rifle Association, Wayne LaPierre, "a tired old white guy...."  Would there be outrage if someone called President Obama "a well-spoken black guy"?  Why is it okay to bad-mouth someone who is interested in protecting a real Constitutional right?  (And, if the Framers are to be believed, the second most important Constitutional right.)
  • Banks wrote down $3 billion in student loan debt in the first two months of 2013.  This is a problem, right?  
  • Is The Lifeguard the only one who thinks that another bubble is about to burst?  Easy student loan money, coupled with outrageously high tuition and a soft job market are stressing the system to the breaking point; and, with the value of an undergraduate degree declining, the problem seems as though it can only get worse.
  • Maybe those unemployed students could get a job driving a limousine for the vice president.  (The Lifeguard hears that he's paying $321,665.00 to cart his staff around for a day.)
  • Putting your money in Eurozone banks might be a bad idea, since raiding banks to save the Euro has worked so well in Cyprus.
  • Did more than one person think about Miley Cyrus when reading the stories about banks in Cyprus?
  • An Irish town legalizes drinking and driving.  The Lifeguard is contemplating a move.
That's all for now, y'all.

Friday, March 22, 2013


Peace In Our Time
Y'all have been waiting for the Post-Papal edition of Speedos

  • The Preezy of the Heezy finally got around to visiting Israel.  (Apparently, he's been way too busy the last four and a half years.)  In a speech that would have made Neville Chamberlain proud, President Obama urged Israel to "compromise" with the people who want to drive them off of their lands and into the sea.  Fortunately, his inroads to the Arab world have boosted America's standing in the Middle East.  (To about where it was in the Carter Administration.)
  • Why is it that the Palestinians honor Yasser Arafat?  He stole billions from them.  He kept them from meaningful reforms that could have led to a peaceful solution with Israel.  He was a religion-baiting charlatan.  In the United States, we would never revere someone who was a race-baiter, for instance.  
  • The Lifeguard wonders whether Arafat might have gotten a show on MSNBC, were he still alive today.
  • The Long Island Railroad (LIRR) has "Kegel" advertisements in rail cars.  This is offending some; but, The Lifeguard is on board with the campaign.  (The Lifeguard is happy to lend his expertise to any women who want to test the success of their exercise regimen.)
  • The Roman Catholic Church has a new pope, the former Jorge Cardinal Bergoglio, was elected on March 13, 2013.  He selected the name Francis, and has been shaking up the world with his humility, his gentleness, and his fervent faith.  As an alumnus of a Jesuit school, The Lifeguard is proud to see a Jesuit as CEO of the Roman church.
  • The Lifeguard wonders, however, if some members of the College of Cardinals threw a couple of million on Bergoglio, to win, in the fifth.
  • Vice Preezy of the Heezy, Joe Biden took a little trip.  The hotel bill was...gulp...$459,388.65.  Well, what the hell, it's not like there's a financial crisis or anything.
  • Customers at Gregg's, a chain of Rhode Island restaurants, will have to fill out forms if they intend to pay with a hundred dollar bill.  The restaurant is adopting this policy to prevent the use of counterfeit hundreds.  (Note to counterfeiters:  Use counterfeit fifties when dining at Gregg's.)
  • The University of Tennessee was going to sponsor "Sex Week."  The tab for the week-long event?  $20,000.00.  Shit!  The Lifeguard would have done the week for $5,000.00 (and ten kegs of PBR).  Sadly, the UT students won't get to take classes like "Getting Laid" and "How Many Licks Does it Take?"
  • Why do college kids need a week-long course in sex?  What the fuck is going on at UT that kids need classes to learn about sex?
  • Aren't UT students already shelling out $13,000.00 a year to learn about sex?
  • Do you know how you get the UT student off of your front doorstep?  You pay him for the pizza.
  • The US Air Force Academy has canceled their July 4th celebration.  Due to budget cuts related to Sequestration.  What next?  Eliminating uniforms?
  • ObamaCare could lead to health care premiums increasing sharply.  Because that's what ObamaCare was supposed to do.  Seriously, what did people think would happen when insurers are prevented from contemplating health risks, age, and medical histories in setting premiums?  
  • 10-1, tobacco users will still have to pay higher premiums than everyone else.
  • The Lifeguard is so happy that he doesn't have a bank account in Cyprus.
  • Another sign that the US economy is in ruin:  In the past, every time The Lifeguard vacuumed his car, he collected a couple of bucks in change off of the ground around the vacuums.  These days, there is no change on the ground.  You know things are bad when people don't throw out their pennies, nickels, and dimes.
That's it for now.  


Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Erin Go Bragh!

Happy St. Patrick's Day
The Lifeguard celebrated in his usual fashion; and, when it was all over, everyone was smiling.

Ah, the luck of the Irish.

(Well, they are Irish...and everyone got lucky.)

Coming soon!  Another edition of Speedos!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

It's That Time of Year

How Many Doctors Does It Take To Examine The Lifeguard?
Exactly the same number as it does to search The Lifeguard at the security checkpoint at the airport.  (Except the TSA drones are less hot and more inept.)

As the team of doctors swarmed over The Lifeguard, he began thinking about the changes that were most certainly coming to American health care thanks to the $1.3 trillion prostate exam that we are about to receive thanks to ObamaCare.  Not only will everyone be shunted into one-size-fits-all plans, there will be copious litigation the very first time someone is denied treatment under their government-funded healthcare.

"You have AIDS and want an organ transplant?  Sure.  We can do that.  Just don't sue us."

"You are 75 years old and want a hip replacement?  Fuck you!  Wait!  You have a lawyer?  Sure.  We can do that."

Has anyone factored the additional costs of ObamaCare into the equation?  $20,000.00 per family?  The only reason that is "saving" The Lifeguard money is that The Lifeguard already pays $22,000.00 per year for shitty insurance, so of course The Lifeguard will dance a jig at the prospect of saving $2,000.00 on insurance.  (Of course, that two grand will just cover the tax increase that he swallowed thanks to the Preezy of the Heezy.)

But, The Lifeguard digresses....

The all-female medical team went to work, lighting candles, opening the wine, and setting the mood with some soft jazz.

"Strip down to your underwear and put on the hospital johnny," the first doctor asked.

"The Lifeguard doesn't wear underwear," The Lifeguard said, peeling away his blue jeans and T-shirt.

The doctors gasped at the magnificence of The Lifeguard's equipment, and immediately began casting lots for the opportunity to conduct the examination.  Fortunately, The Lifeguard is magnanimous, telling his medical team to be patient.

"How do you like your prostate exam?" she asked.  "Do you prefer to lay down, or to bend over?"  She put on her glove, warmed the lube, and began the rather intimate (but thorough) examination.  

And, two hours later, The Lifeguard was confident that his prostate is healthy, since four very meticulous doctors can't be wrong.

"Do you mind if I check your testicles for cancer?" she asked.

"Well, you are the doctor.  If you must," The Lifeguard responded.

Again, no abnormalities, as the four ladies were pretty thorough.

Then, came the inevitable questions about...well...you know.

"Blah, blah, eleven times a day, blah, blah, blah."

(The Lifeguard notes that after his extensive work with Nurse Dagmar and Nurse Midori, he is waaay more comfortable with these questions.)

And, all things being equal, the two-day exam (with breaks for Champagne, snacks, and showers) was pretty painless.  

(Well, there are at least two doctors who are walking funny, but that's their issue, not The Lifeguard's.)

Coming soon:  Speedos!

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

Is it any wonder?

"The Lifeguard Is About This Big"
The Lifeguard doesn't remember who this dude is, but he does remember him saying that a thorough search of someone as endowed as The Lifeguard will take a long time.

Another reason that Travel Sucks Already.

Saturday, March 02, 2013

The World Didn't End

News Flash!
The Lifeguard woke up this morning, expecting Sequestergeddon.  Instead, he discovered three Lufthansa stewardess uniforms, eight empty bottles of Pol Roger, and four naked Lufthansa stewardesses.  (The Lifeguard is, as of this writing, uncertain where the fourth stewardess came from, or where her uniform is.)

In any event, The Lifeguard thought that this would be a good time for a Sequestered edition of Speedos!  (Especially since The Lifeguard will be sequestered with the stewardesses during their layover.)

  • The TSA (Travel Sucks Already) is instituting a hiring freeze, which could lead to a doubling of wait times at the nation's busiest airports.  So, that means that we'll have to wait twice as long for shitty treatment, groping by incompetent morons, and lax security.
  • The TSA is headed by a guy named John Pistole.  Pistole.  
  • The Lifeguard thinks that armed pilots would be a boon to airline security.  (Unfortunately, the Preezy of the Heezy does not.)
  • Sequestration cuts led to Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) releasing 2,000 detainees. 
  • Does the Department of Homeland Security ever do anything to ensure homeland security? 
  • Illegal immigrants with drug-resistant tuberculosis might be running around the United States..  The Lifeguard wonders how ObamaCare will deal with these folks, especially given the fact that this is one of the biggest threats to world health.  (The drug-resistant TB, not ObamaCare.)
  • The Lifeguard wonders how long it will take for the first lawsuit to be filed as a result of exposure to the infected immigrant.  Or, how much it will cost to treat the other illegal immigrants who were infected.  Or, how much it will cost the United States to bring their relatives to the US.  Or, whether anyone cares.
  • Taco Bell discovered horse meat in tacos.  The Lifeguard is shocked.  (Not that there was horse meat in the tacos; but, rather, that there was any meat at all.)
That's enough for now, y'all.

Enjoy the sequester.