Monday, February 26, 2007


Strom Thurmond's ancestors owned Al Sharpton's ancestors.,2933,254735,00.html

Maybe Senator Trent Lott's comments about the late Senator Thurmond becoming president had something to do with saving the world from the race-baiting Sharpton's rise to prominence in the black community, and his ultimate run for President of the United States.

Sharpton, in calling for a DNA test, blew his big chance to put a positive spin on things. You know, how there is no discrimination in the United States. How an ancestor of a slave could become a success. Or, as Muhammed Ali said when asked about how he liked Kinshasha, Zaire (after the Rumble in the Jungle), "Thank God my granddaddy got on that boat."

In a country with a black Secretary of State, and countless other prominent black leaders, entertainers and athletes, it seems pretty damned clear to me that we could be a nation where a man is judged, not by the colour of his skin, but his character, if charlatans like Sharpton and Jackson would just shut the fuck up.

Instead, they use the bully pulpit to talk about how bad things are in America.

So, as Black History Month winds down, it is time to move forward, and get together, to win The War Against Terror, and to keep America strong.

I was returning from Florida today, bringing my father's ashes home in a small pewter urn. I had failed to put dad in a Ziploc Bag, in accordance with the TSA's new regulations for small containers.

As a consequence of the leaden blob in my carry-bag, I was selected for secondary screening, which is to say that they took dad out of my backpack.

TSA Screener: "What's in here? And why isn't this in a Ziploc Bag?"

Me: "My dad."

TSA: "Huh?"

Me: "My dad's ashes. Do you want me to open him up?"

TSA: " No, that's okay."

TSA Supervisor: "What was in the container?"

TSA: "'s ashes."

TSA Supervisor: "Have a great flight, sir."

Which begs the question: What happens when Mohammed goes through security with an urn, shaped like, say, a grenade?

Sunday, February 25, 2007


The Lenten Season began last Wednesday--Ash Wednesday--and, in the interest of self-improvement, I made, once more, the ultimate sacrifice: I gave up cursing for Lent, in hopes of becoming a better person.

It sounds frivolous, but it means a whole fucking lot to me. Really, very fucking important. No shit.

Usually, the fucking promise to quit using profanity lasts somewhere between a few minutes and a few hours. I shit you not. I take this shit really fucking seriously, and you can fuck off if you don't believe me, you cunts.

Anyway, this year saw me break the 24 hour barrier--not a fucking curse word until Thursday morning, when I woke up, nearly shouting, "What the fuck?" I mean really, what the fuck.

So, my point was that I made it until Thursday morning, about 26 hours of profanity-free living. Then, all hell broke loose.

Aw, fuck it.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Why Do We Live In Massachusetts?

Snow storms that deliver little in the way of snow, but a lot in the way of aggravation (vis a vis school closings, traffic jams, and news reporting).

I flew into Logan just hours ahead of a Nor'easter that promised Oswego, New York quantities of snow, and found little to bother me...except that school was cancelled (in some cases, before the snow even began falling), and the plow drivers, rolling along the highways and byways (also before the snow began falling) seemed to have their plow blades up all of the time.

As an aside, I lived in Utah for a long time, and I witnessed some pretty serious blizzards, none of which ever closed the schools. Ever.

In fact, the morning after the storm began, I found unplowed roads, and idiots driving at either end of the speed-spectrum. One person was doing 85, while another was traveling at 25, both on the Interstate. Interestingly enough, when I tried to pass the latter person, she began to drift into me. The person going 85 was a Massachusetts State Policeman. On his way, no doubt, to shoot the asshole plow drivers who were not plowing, while they were watching the snow collect on the roads, slurping crappy Dunkin' Donuts coffee.

But, I digress.

There is no such thing as global warming.

The snow I had to shovel proves it.

Sunday, February 11, 2007


Bloated former Vice President Al Gore has ballooned up nicely. So nicely, in fact, that he has developed his own gravitational field, and now has his own satellite, which orbits his giant head once every 33 seconds.

Said his wife, Tipper, "It makes sex difficult, but usually, 32 seconds is enough."

In other news, Al Gore has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for his work with global warming. Interestingly enough, the jury is still out on global warming, with the United Nations and other scientists being all over the place. Usually, someplace warm.

Of course, judging by the eight feet (that's right, eight feet) of snow that fell in Upstate New York over the last few days, I would say that there is no risk of global warming. In fact, I would suggest that a few people would say "Bring it on!"

Really, Al Gore and Nobel Prize, in the same sentence, is scary. Like Mahmoud Ahmadinijad and nukes; or, Hillary Clinton and President of the United States.

For what? Scaring people into thinking that the world is going to end while he sits his fat ass in a giant, gas-guzzling SUV? For lamenting that the US didn't adopt the Kyoto Treaty, even while his boss was doing nothing to stop it from going down to a crushing defeat? For muzzling his wife, Tipper, and keeping her from pontificating about musical lyrics? Wait, okay, keeping Tipper quiet might be worth something.

But I digress. Al Gore has his own moon. Maybe he will go there and explore it; and, in so doing, he will shut the fuck up.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Embarrassed To Be From Boston...

We Bostonians have penis envy, of sorts.

Boston may be the "Hub of the Universe"; but, it ain't New York, and that just drives us bugfuck crazy.

The Red Sox haven't won 26 World Championships, and the Celtics aren't as bad as the Knicks (though our coach is just as horrible as Isaiah Thomas). We don't have Donald Trump or any superlative restaurants. We have tunnels that kill people. We have Logan Airport, and traffic jams, and bums that shit all over the Common.

And that, my friends, is not why I am embarrassed.

It isn't our socialist governor (who said that taxes in Massachusetts are too low), and it is not the fact that we have two idiot senators. (Wait, New York has two idiot senators and a socialist governor. But I digress.)

It is, frankly, our mayor, Thomas Menino, a man who can not string together a coherent sentence. Who once said that something really "...fried his nose."

Our mayor, recently, held a press conference to discuss the promotional Lite Brites left around Boston (and nine other cities).

Now, I note that Boston was the only city that had a problem with the Lite Brites (New York tabloids headlined with stories about Boston's over-reaction to the toys), calling in the bomb squad to detonate these parcels.

I understand that in a post 9/11 world, we need to think twice about suspicious packages, but this was ridiculous. And then, for Mayor Menino to give an incomprehensible press conference, where he urged the public to " the police if they found any suspicious bombs." As opposed to the regular bombs that can be found at the TD BankNorth Boston Garden (i.e., Boston Celtics and Bruins).

I always thought that folks in Massachusetts were smart (wicked smart, even). Instead, Bostonians elect (and re-elect) a fuckwitted retard as mayor; and Bay Staters swoon over our Congressional Delegation, none of whom could make it in the dreaded private sector.

No wonder we feel like second-class citizens.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Stating The Obvious...

When it says "12-18 Pounds" on a package of diapers, it relates to the size of the child, not how much shit the diaper holds.

"Yes" is the wrong answer to any questions asked by a wife/girlfriend/other significant other about whether the dress/pants/bathing suit she is wearing "make her ass look fat."

Saying "your ass makes your ass look fat" is also a poor response.

Leaving the television on so that you can watch the game/a Clint Eastwood movie while you have sex is just plain wrong. Even if she tells you that it is okay. It is, however, okay to use the DVR/Tivo during foreplay to ensure that no part of the show is missed. (Maybe.)

Having forklift jousts using cardboard tubes as lances is a really bad idea.

Having forklift jousts using pipes as lances is an even worse idea.

On a sailboat, when someone says "Jibe ho!" (or "Gybe ho!" on the other side of the pond), it helps to duck to avoid the boom. Especially when it is blowing like snot.

On a side note, reaching up to grab the boom, or fend off another sailboat underway in a race situation, is also a really terrible idea.

Using a hammer to separate scrap metal from the explosive part of an RPG is really bad idea. It did, however, get someone the 2006 Darwin Award.

Asking a police officer if he would mind checking for outstanding warrants is really stupid, especially if you do.

Saying "Whassup, my nigger?" is a really awful idea if you are Michael Richards (or otherwise white), and are visiting Roxbury, Massachusetts; Harlem, NYC, New York; or East Saint Louis, Illinois. Especially during Black History Month.

If you are white, and traveling on an airplane in America, you will be searched. Especially if the TSA screener has a choice of searching you, or a swarthy Arabic type (or a woman in a burqa). It is, generally speaking, a bad idea to complain vocally about this insanity.

If you take your family to Fenway Park, and sit in the bleachers, you should not be surprised to hear foul language, or to have someone throw up on you. If you have a Yankees shirt on, then expect the language to be even more foul.

Patriots fans are even worse.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Religion Of Peace

A Muslim leader, Mohammad Naseem, is concerned that England is becoming too much like Nazi Germany, becoming too much of a police state; and, the Muslims, like the Jews, are being persecuted for their beliefs. They are, after all, a small community, easy to target. (Just look for the guy with the diaper on his head and the explosive belt around his waist.)

First of all, I don't recall the Jews ever advocating the forced conversion of the Gentiles. Second, I don't recall the Jews beheading Nazis because they wouldn't convert to Judaism. Third, I don't believe that the Torah said a thing about killing your enemies in order to get 72 Virginians in Paradise. Finally, I don't think that the Jews were ever caught plotting any of the nasty shit that Muslims (and only Muslims) seem to plan for the rest of the civilised world.

Put another way, when the concentration camps open outside of London and Birmingham, come see me. Until then, shut the fuck up.