It's true...I am stupid.

The Lifeguard Walked Into The Courthouse...

and reported to the Jury Pool.

Court Officer: "Welcome. Your Juror Number is One."

Lifeguard: "You damn Skippy. I am the "one." I am...The Lifeguard, and I am now on duty."

There were ten trials on the docket; and, based upon personal experience, I was sure that at least one of them would go forward. I also knew, when I was handed the Juror Card with the number one on it, that I would be a venireman. I was pretty sure that the DA--any DA--would want me on that panel. She would need me on that panel.

And, I was equally confident that the defence attorney would want to burn a peremptory challenge to get rid of me.

But, she didn't. I was seated, and whiled away my day listening to an exciting trial in District Court.

The case, involving allegations of sex for money, was a source of intellectual stimulation (and a few laughs). I nearly spit when I learned that one of the customers...who had an apparent case of erectile dysfunction...was named, "Johnson."

The fact that the Defendant was a 59 year old grandmother added something to the ambiance.

I note, however, one disturbing development: The "johns" were released on their own recognizance, while the women providing the...um...service were arrested. It is not really all that fair, when you think about it.

But, as the saying goes, in the halls of justice, the only justice is in the halls.

Oh, and the Defendant, after almost an hour of deliberation, was found guilty.

Primary Thoughts

Support Hillary!?

I was asked why I would consider the support of Hillary!, if she is the Democrat nominee, over the Republican, Senator John Sidney McCain, III.

The question was posed by someone who suggested that, since (typically) Democrat giveaways (read Great Society-style entitlements) become so ingrained in the fabric of daily life they simply can not be eradicated.

We have spent trillions of dollars on eliminating poverty, with little or no impact on the broader problem.

The United States spends billions on a failing education system; and, food stamps are abused (as they are promoted in advertisements on the radio). Social Security is a morass; and, Medicare/Medicaid are eating up an ever-larger percentage of America's GDP.

President Reagan tried to unwind many of these programmes; and, in eight years, he was powerless to bring sanity to Washington, DC. Indeed, where else but Washington could a five (5%) percent increase in spending be called a cut (when seven (7%) percent would be the norm).

So, I have contemplated joining the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, who have vowed (with, perhaps, tongues in cheek) to support Hillary!

Here is my rationale:

While I respect and admire Senator McCain for using the rules of the Republican Party to his advantage (when Rudy demonstrated that he wasn't salable to the GOP as a whole), I realise his limitations.

Face it, the Winner-Take-All set up worked for the moderate (or should I say, "maverick") McCain.

However, I have three problems with the Arizona Senator (and one of them is not the fact that he was born in The Canal Zone):

1) He has been running--hard--for the Republican nomination since he was knocked out of the 2000 Presidential race. How else to explain the "Gang of Fourteen" nonsense (which was wholly unnecessary, since the so-called Nuclear (Nucular?) Option would have gotten President Bush's nominees for the Federal Bench to the floor of the Senate. And, they would, most assuredly, been confirmed with the Senate acting in its role of providing advice and consent, without lasting damage to the GOP).

2) He has consistently run to the center. This has alienated those of us on the right. Regardless of what you might think, or say, Nixon's adage of "running to the right in the primaries, to the center in the general election" remains true. I am afraid that the moderates (read independents and Blue Dog Democrats) will vote for the Democrat, when given a choice between a Democrat and a Democrat. I am more afraid that the evangelicals and way-right Republicans will sit out the general. Face it, conservatives vote in greater numbers--when they are engaged--than do liberals.

3) He is very conciliatory toward the Democrats. While I know that this might pay off in the general, I am afraid that his sound bites about Hillary! might just find their way into ads for the Democrat nominee (if it is Hillary!). Then, there is the whole Keating Five debacle (which will come back to haunt him), the unconstitutional McCain-Feingold, and a host of other legislative mis-steps.

As someone noted, how will he feel when one of his SCOTUS nominees is asked about McCain-Feingold, and its dubious constitutionality. Trust me, one more conservative justice (in the mold of Scalia/Roberts/Thomas) and McCain-Feingold is toast.

That having been said, Coulter and Limbaugh have benefited the GOP by their words of support for Hillary! It is helping foment rebellion in the DNC, and is forcing the Democrats to raise (and spend) a shit-ton of money in order to get through what was supposed to be a quick and easy primary season.

So, The Lifeguard remains on the stand, watching, waiting.

And, as the Democrats discuss what is going to happen to the unseated delegates from Florida and Michigan, things are getting interesting.

The Lifeguard Is On Duty

Jury Duty!

The Lifeguard got that dreaded post card in the mail.

"Congratulations, you have been selected to appear on Thursday, March 6th, 2008, to perform your civic duty. Please appear at the [Shire Town] District Court no later than 8:00am to make sure that nobody drowns in the Jury Pool."

Hah!

Of course, it is widely believed that the only person who is on a jury is the person who is too stupid to get out of jury duty.

We'll see if that is true.

Weep For The Future...

There Should Be A Test...

and I will write it. Of course, it will be in English; and, one must show proof of United States citizenship to sit for it. A score of 90 will get you into the voting booth. Anything less, well, you are just too fucking stupid to make decisions about who will sit in the big boy chair at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Some of the possible questions:

Ford was a:

a) Theatre
b) President
c) Automobile maker
d) Modeling agency
e) All of the above

True or False: Abraham Lincoln once suspended Habeas Corpus, freed the slaves, and was a Republican.

True or False: A Democrat President created the Environmental Protection Agency, the National Park Service, and Earth Day.

Senator Joseph McCarthy (R-WI) was:

a) Right about the proliferation of communists in the State Department and in the Roosevelt and Truman Adminsitrations
b) A typical scare-mongering Republican, who ruined countless lives
c) Vindicated by the declassification of Venona and KGB files
d) A mean, lying drunk who hurt Democrats by questioning their patriotism and loyalty to the United States of America
e) a and c
f) b and d

There will be a time limit, and the prospective voter will have to pay $10.00 to take the test and vote. But, don't worry, there will be a tax credit, so when that voter's tax return is submitted, he (or she) will get the money back...after a fashion.

I hit upon this brilliant idea after watching a panel of Ohio University students explain why they were supporting Senator B. Hussein Obama (D-Mud Hut in Kenya).

Of the five students questioned, not a single one gave an answer that even remotely approached a coherent thought. All of the viewers watching the panel discussion are now dumber for having heard the responses.

Question: "What has Senator Obama done in the Senate?"

Student 1 (a black woman): "I don't know. I feel he has a lot of apathy for the poor."

[Me spitting my Starbucks coffee all over my desk. "For fuck's sake! Apathy? Apathy? Maybe you mean 'empathy'...or 'sympathy'? Get a dictionary, you stupid cow."]

Question: "What legislation has Senator Obama sponsored?"

Student 2 (a pretty, guilt-laden white woman): "You're putting me on the spot, so I can not answer."

Question: "What about you?"

Student 3 (a jockish white male with a bad haircut and a goatee): "I'm sure he's been responsible for a lot. I just can not name anything."

Question: "Same question."

Student 4 (another white guy): "He sponsored fifty (count 'em, fifty) health care bills when he was in the Illinois Legislature."

[Spitting more coffee on my desk. "Why, in the name of all that is holy, did he need fifty bills? Did the people of Illinois need fifty more laws?"]

Student 5 (Emo white guy): "I can tell you one thing he didn't do. He didn't support the illegal war in Iraq."

My head hurts. These idiots are our future. And, the future looks grim.

My Most Embarrassing Moment...

Jason Castro, the would-be American Idol, was discussing his most embarrassing moment with Ryan Seacrest.

"I was on a date...with a girl."

If you have the need to add "with a girl" to your declaration that you were on a date, you might be protesting too much.

He Drove The Lane...

shaking off defenders. The point guard took one, two, three, four steps before shooting the ball.

"That's traveling, ref!"

No call.

"That's terrible, ref. He traveled. Ya gotta blow the whistle."

No call. The opposing team inbounds the ball, and starts back down the court.

The fan continues his tirade.

"Hey, dumbass!" I say. "It's the Special Olympics."

The Lifeguard spent the weekend working at the Massachusetts Special Olympics Winter Games, helping several thousand Special Olympians who were playing basketball.

It was inspiring, and amazing. There was a young man with prosthetic legs running up and down the court with the same fervor as the other players. There were young women with various mental and physical limitations; but, who were playing with unlimited heart.

And, above it all, there were a few fans who took insult that the excellent referees, who had volunteered their time on a snowy Saturday, were letting the odd travel, or double dribble, slide.

As a sports official myself, I have frequently dealt with the taunts and complaints of parents and fans who haven't the slightest clue about the rules--or the reality of officiating at any level, let alone the disabled. The fact that anyone would be critical of athletes who had overcome so many barriers to get out on the court is unfathomable to me.

The additional fact that more than one idiot was complaining about the no-calls made me insane.

And, had my...um...interaction with these fools devolved into something physical, I had back-up. Lots of it.

Oh, and kudos to the athletes, coaches, and volunteers that made the 2008 Special Olympics Massachusetts Winter Games happen, made them truly special.

The Way It's Meant To Be...

Senator B. Hussein Obama (D-Kenyan Village) gives us (as Hillary!--the girl candidate--points out) "...change we can Xerox."

He becomes a god.

A man about whom nothing bad can be said. You can not call him a liberal, because that's too mean. You can not call him black, because he is multi-racial. You can not criticise him for belonging to a Black Power church, because that is not true (even though the church recently honoured Minister Farrakhan). You can not use his middle name, because "Hussein" scares people. Any complaint about B. Hussein Obama results in cries of racism.

There is no questioning his policies or beliefs.

He is a rock star (and we all know what experts they are).

On the other hand, Tim Goeglein--an aide to President George W. Bush--commits a few acts of plagiarism, and he is forced to resign.

In a perfect world, the media--and the rest of the followers of the Cult of Obama--would realise that this empty suit is far from ready to sit in the big boy chair at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

But, our world is far from perfect.

Otherwise, we wouldn't be talking Global Warming in the coldest winter since 1966. We wouldn't be complaining about the price of oil when we are sitting on huge reserves in ANWR, off the United States Gulf Coast, and clean, reliable nuclear power.

I am not saying that Barry should drop out (as did Senator Joe Biden--a man eminently more qualified to be President-- back in 1988); but, I am suggesting that Barry should be held up to the same scrutiny as every other person who has run for the highest office in the land.

I Missed The Memo....

The one that advised the entire heterosexual world that the Mazda Miata was the quintessential gay ride.

As an unrepentant straight guy, you can imagine my chagrin when, a decade after I dumped the Miata, I heard from someone that the diminutive Mazda was so gay that just riding in the car could make a man long for another man. To make the driver want to take that long ride to Brokeback Mountain.

What the hell did I know? It was a fun car. Inexpensive transport, with nice tight handling and a firm ride. (Apparently something that some men look for in other men. Who knew?)

Perfect for New England, where we have a few months of reliably warm weather, followed by nine months of brutally unpredictable and shitty weather. I never drove it in the snow, though I did take it out a few times in December.

Like the Triumph that my dad owned, the Mazda looked better with the top down than up. It had a nice exhaust note. It was fun to drive. It was basic.

Unlike the Trumpet, it always started (no vapour lock in this one). It had a good heater. It did not have an electrical system by Lucas (The "Prince of Darkness").

For the record, I am not playing for the other team. Not now, not ever.

Oh, and my Miata never had a bumper sticker. Ever.

What a Tool

Senator John Sidney McCain, III Says He's Sorry.

Bill Cunningham, a Cincinnati-area chat show host, referred to Senator B. Hussein Obama, using his middle name, "Hussein."

This happened while he was introducing Senator McCain at a campaign rally.

Afterwards, Senator McCain apologised, and said that he respected and admired the putative Democrat nominee. Even if he wears a dress.

Let's analyse the facts, shall we?

Senator Barack Hussein Obama is named for his father, Barack Hussein Obama, a Kenyan Muslim. Senator B. Hussein Obama's middle name is actually "Hussein."

What's the problem? President John Kennedy was John F. Kennedy. President George Bush is George W. Bush. President Richard Nixon was Richard Milhous Nixon.

People are often identified using their middle names, and Senator McCain should have recognised that. But, he can't. Because he is a tool.

More Dirty Tricks

"Which Way To The Ovaries?"

In another blast from the past, The Lifeguard remembers the picture of Presidential hopeful, Senator John Forbes Kerry-Heinz (D-MA). You know, the picture of the junior Senator from Massachusetts (who served in Vietnam), crawling through Rosie O'Donnell's left fallopian tube.

Actually, it was the right.

Campaign manager, Mary Beth Cahill, called the release of the photograph "...a dirty trick."

Funnily enough, Senator B. Hussein Obama (who never served in Vietnam) has called Hillary!'s release of the picture of him in the African dress (really, it's a dress) a dirty trick. And others seem to be on to the fact that Hillary! might just be a racist.

Really, Barry. May I call you Barry? Until you are the President--when you have an excuse for wearing dopey-looking local garb--you had better think twice about having cameras around when you are visiting NASA, Fort Knox (where there are tanks--and tank helmets), or Somalia (or whatever God-forsaken Third World toilet you were in when you put on that dress).

Otherwise, deal with it.

Say What You Will...

President Bush looks better in a flight suit than Senator B. Hussein Obama looks in a dress.

Of course, President Bush was once a fighter pilot. Was Senator Obama a chick? Or, just a tool?

Picture courtesy of Susan Sterner.

Michelle Obama Gets In Touch With Her Roots...

The wife of Illinois Senator (and putative Democrat Presidential Nominee) B. Hussein Obama tries on some authentic African garb.

She selected the outfit for the Oscars, and wore it on the red carpet, where she was praised by the media and the Hollywood elite.

Mrs. Obama chose the dress to show just how proud she is to live in a country where you can wear whatever you want, without fear of scorn and ridicule being heaped upon you by bloggers, Hillary!, or white males from Opp, Alabama.

Said Mrs. Obama, "The dress really accentuates my figure, and I think I look pretty good. As good as Jennifer Garner, though that racist, Gary Busey didn't try to kiss my neck."

Wait a tick.

That is not Michelle Obama. That is Senator B. Hussein Obama.

Fuck it, I am going to re-read Heart of Darkness.

Senator Joseph Robinette Biden, Where Art Thou?

Last Thursday, in an attempt to stanch the flow of blood from her wounded campaign, Senator Hillary! Rodham Clinton delivered one of the best political retorts ever. Sadly, Hillary! has the oratorical skill of a hare-lipped third-grader on helium, so she turned a chicken salad line into chicken shit. She even got booed.

She remarked that Senator Obama, who has admitted to borrowing the speeches of Governor Deval Patrick (D-Sedan DeVille), was not offering "...change we can believe in; [but rather]...change we can Xerox."

Now, riddle me this, Batman. How, in the name of all that is holy, can Senator B. Hussein Obama get away with straight-up plagiarism when a similar occurrence derailed the Presidential campaign of Senator Joe Biden? (Biden, it seems, had borrowed from Neil Kinnock, always giving him credit for the lines. Except once, when cameras were present, and Senator Biden forgot to attribute the lines to Kinnock. This was caught by the Dukakis Campaign and Biden was done.)

Is it because the public today is more ignorant than they were back in 1988? Probably.

Is it because Hillary is less likable than former Governor Michael Stanley Dukakis (D-Greek Immigrants)? Most assuredly.

Is it because we, as a nation, have a nasty case of White Guilt? Absoeffinglutely.

I am not saying that Senator B. Hussein Obama is not a smart man. He is. And, one day, he may be qualified to hold the highest office in the land. But, the fact remains that he has run (wisely) a campaign of platitudes and promises, punctuated by the fact that he is a charismatic (and handsome, to some people) black man, supported by a charming (and, to some people, beautiful black woman) wife.

Opposing him is a grizzled, scandal-plagued veteran of many nasty campaigns--Senator John Sidney McCain, III--and Senator Hillary!.

In our vapid, substance-free, diversity-driven, educationally-shortchanged society, Obama is like 24's President David Palmer. Except that Dennis Haysbert, the actor who portrayed President Palmer is probably more prepared to be POTUS than Senator Obama.

And, there is the rub. Obama gets away with avoiding substance because he is more likable than Hillary! A better orator than Hillary! A better actor than Hillary!

But, truly, if we all were sold a bill of goods by the media's anointing of Senator McCain, shouldn't we also be equally skeptical of the media's pronouncement of Senator Obama's inevitability? Shouldn't we actually look, not at the Senator's words--well, Governor Patrick's words, as delivered by Senator Obama--but at his record, what he supports, what he believes in.

He has a paper trail, and he sometimes speaks the truth about his convictions (e.g., family income of $75,000.00 = wealthy; or, the U.S. taking unilateral action in Pakistan if they won't). Asking him difficult questions is not wrong. It is not racist to challenge him on his inexperience or lack of substance.

If Senator Obama truly stands for change we can believe in, then he needs to tell us what it is that he believes.

That Actually Took Less Time Than I Thought It Would...

The New York Times ("We trash more Republicans before 9:00am than all of the other newspapers in the world, combined.") took a journalistic dump on its favourite Republican, maverick Senator John Sidney McCain, III (R-Keating Five).

The man has mathematically eliminated Governor Mike Huckabee, and driven all of the other competition--save for Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX)--out of the race. He is poised to face either Senator Clinton or Obama, and he could win against one of them, if only the Republicans would get out and support him.

In order to ensure that doesn't happen (and if the whole Keating Five thing weren't enough), the Times beat up on McCain, like the staff of the Hanoi Hilton did so many years ago.

The Times suggests that Senator McCain, the man who abridged the Constitution, has done some unethical things.

My first reaction was, "A politician doing unethical things?" Of course, there are some ethical members of the Con...ha, ha, ha. No, I can not even type that with a straight face.

Then, I thought, "Maybe the Times editorial page has a genuine scoop." But, the story is mostly unsourced.

Finally, I settled on the truth. That the Times was waiting until Senator McCain was inevitable; and, that Governor Romney had endorsed him (another flip-flop if he now unendorses Senator McCain). This gives most Republicans, who already had a bad taste in their mouths about the Arizona Senator, yet another reason to place him in a burlap bag and beat him with reeds (hypothetically speaking, of course).

Of course, the Times has the Obama Defence on which to fall back:

"Just words."

Obama Ohemama*

Last night, Senator Barack Hussein Obama (D-IL) gave a speech in Wisconsin, punctuating the smackdown that he gave to his opponent, Senator Hillary! Rodham Clinton (D-NY).

In the speech, he made several points, including then need to raise the minimum wage (to make the employment of illegal aliens--for low wages--all the more attractive), his promise to get Americans out of Iraq (so that we can send troops to Darfur to end the genocide), and the knock against capitalism that we expect from the Democrat candidate (and the brother of Fidel Castro).

My favourite part of the speech, however, was when he thanked his mama. He talked about how she reared him after his father screwed, when he was two. How she nurtured him.

Now, every crack-smoking, baby-making woman who cranks out a kid with a funky name will think that she can raise a future senator, or Presidential candidate.

The more important lesson, the one that is lost on most of America, is that kids who grow up with only one parent (who is usually not as educated as Obama's mama) have a tough go of it. Things are more difficult when the parent has no back-up (and the child has no father-figure).

Indeed, Obama is the exception to the rule. An exceptionally bright man (Occidental College and Columbia for undergraduate, Harvard for law school), with the magnetism of a rock star and the oratory skills of a preacher at a tent revival. He made it, against incredible odds.

And now, a man with no useful experience is just one election away from the White House, in large part because of his life.

Obama can't offer the executive experience of Governor Romney; but, he can offer hope. He can not offer the first-hand White House experience as Senator Clinton; but, he can offer change. He can not demonstrate the legislative record of Senator McCain; but, he does offer words.

Just words.

*Obama owes his mama.

Hillary! Hates Hookers...

Even while her campaign serves as a high-profile political pimp.

First, MSNBC's David Shuster gets suspended for being so bold as to speak the truth.

Really, all he said was that the Clinton Campaign was using Chelsea to put a pretty face on things. To charm the crowds, to collect the money, and to screw America. (At least with a hooker, you might get a kiss first.)

Then, today, Hillary! said that Chelsea (and those like her) are not doing any real work.

Chelsea felt the pimp hand, and the pimp hand was strong.

I can hear it now:

Hillary: "Bitch, get out there and raise me some money."

Bill: "Yes, dear."

Hillary: "Chelsea, when you gonna git a job? A real job. A gummint job. None o' dis hedge-fund shit."

Chelsea: "Mom, I work."

[smack]

Hillary: "Feel the sting of my pimp hand. Now git yo bony ass out there and git me some mo' money and some mo' votes. He'p make momma da President."

Good times. Good times.

I Am Mad As Hell And I Can Not Take It Anymore...

I was depressed last night so I called the Suicide Hot Line.

First, they put me on hold. Then, my call was forwarded to a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Too Bad!

It escapes me why anyone would have said anything about the United States Navy using an SM-3 missile to shoot down a spy satellite. Well, it doesn't escape me, because some former-Soviet general, with an itchy trigger finger, might have misinterpreted the bloom as the AEGIS anti-missile missile (with an MSRP of $10m) lifted off from USS Lake Erie.

I would have kept the whole thing secret--because it is no one's damn business--until I knew it had worked; or, at least until about two minutes before the launch. That way, I wouldn't have to listen to the Russians, Al-Jazeera, or the communist wing of the Democrat Party.

Your tax dollars at work. And, oh soooo cool.

But, She Didn't Apologise To The People of Georgia...

Jane Fonda, a guest on the Valentine's Day edition of NBC's Today, said something that got the juices flowing (pun intended).

When asked about the Eve Ensler play, The Vagina Monologues, Fonda said "...blah, blah, blah, I was living in Georgia...blah, blah, blah...cunt...blah, blah, blah."

In the social intercourse that is Today, the use of the word, cunt, was slipped right on in, by the censors. She just dropped it in, and no one noticed, immediately.

Shortly thereafter, Meredith Viera, the Today presenter, apologised to the world for the innocent use of the word, cunt.

But, neither Viera, nor Fonda, apologised to the people of Georgia for Fonda's insult.

Cunt.

"Show her you know her this Valentine's Day"

But, don't expect to get anything more than a black eye and a large stuffed animal shoved up your ass if you buy her a handmade Vermont Teddy Bear.

Show her you are a tool? Maybe. Show her that you are a thoughtless douche? Perhaps. Give her friends and co-workers a tangible reason to heap scorn and ridicule on your sorry ass if that cardboard box (with air holes poked in the top) arrives at her place of business? Absolutely.

No woman wants stuffed animals (or flowers, for that matter). They want some serious hardware, even if it means some African warlords get hard currency with which to buy AK-47s, RPGs, and 4x4 Toyota Tundras (with bed-mounted machine guns).

She wants bling.

Blood diamonds.

Not a bear.

Hillaryous!

Tomorrow is Super Tuesday. The Lifeguard insists that you get off of your rear ends and vote.

In the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, polls are open from 0700 until 2000HRS.

There will, no doubt, be efforts to suppress the votes of certain people. And, the stormtroopers will be out, disenfranchising minorities and the poor. Of course. But, as they say in Boston (and certain wards in Chicago), vote early...and vote often.

18-1*

New York Giants 17
New England Patriots 14

The 1972 Miami Dolphins remain the only team to have a perfect season, winning all of their games, including The Super Bowl.

The 2007-08 New England Patriots won all 16 of their regular season games, two playoff games, and...lost Super Bowl XLII to the New York Giants (who become the lowest seed to reach--and win--The Super Bowl).

So, to the Giants, The Lifeguard says, "Well done, gentlemen."

To the Patriots, The Lifeguard says, "Congratulations on an almost perfect season."

To the whiny, pink hat-wearing fans of the Patriots, The Lifeguard says, "Shut the fuck up!"

Ed. Note: The New York Giants have no official cheer-leading squad, so I posted the New England cheer-leaders instead.

Cate Edwards' Father Is Suspending His Campaign...

Frankly, listening to her father's populist twaddle was giving me a headache. And, I didn't think for a minute that the Democrat Party would let a guy who was part of the losing team get another shot at the big boy chair.

So, he suspended his campaign (so that he could keep on receiving those federal matching funds?); and, according to some reports, will negotiate for a position in either an Obama or Clinton Administration.

And now, there are two.

With Super Tuesday just two days away, Senators Obama (the half-black candidate) and Clinton (the half-man candidate) will fire broadsides into each other like a couple of ships of the line.

"Too soft on terror." [Blam!] (Not a chance on this one.)

"Too hard on illegal immigrants." [Blam!]

"Too much illegal money from the Peoples Republic of China." [Blam!] (Not a chance on this one, either.)

"Too complimentary of Republicans." [Blam!]

"He was a part of the Keating Five." [Blam!] (Wait, they are saving that for Senator McCain, in the general election.)

The problem, however, is that the Democrats award delegates proportionately; and, the battle will rage, probably, right up until the unelected Super Delegates vote (for Hillary!, probably).

But, it is sure to be interesting. (Unlike the last Democrat debate, which was a snoozefest, with neither candidate wanting to take a position that might offend one of their inbred little voting blocs.)

"A question for Hillary! How will your administration stop retarded female would-be suicide bombers?"

[Shrieking] "A Clinton Administration will not do anything to prevent a woman, even a retarded woman, from achieving the goals that, until now were jobs just for men. Or, to keep her out of Paradise, where she should also be entitled to 72 Virginians. That is why I am different from the Republicans, who not only want to stop her from being a suicide bomber; but, to deny her health care when she blows herself to bits."

Aw, hell, just give me more Cate Edwards (who I know is a Democrat, because no one has ever heard of a woman being called a "piece of elephant.")

And Then There Were Three...

Well, four, but Congressman Ron Paul (R-Ob/Gyn) doesn't really count.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani quit today. Then, he threw his support behind the anti-Constitutional Vietnam War Veteran (and former POW), Senator John Sidney McCain, III (R-AZ).

Then, earlier tonight, the four remaining Republican contenders squared off in a debate at the Reagan Presidential Library.

It was a chance for the candidates to make their cases (again), before the Super Tuesday Primaries next Tuesday (duh!).

Governor Mitt Romney and Senator McCain demonstrated the width and depth of their loathing for each other; and, Governor Mitt seemed to come off looking smarter, better qualified, and less petulant than Senator McCain. Indeed, the Senator's retorts were described as "snarky" by the men and women watching the debate.

McCain denigrated Romney's experience in the business world, saying that he was a "leader," and that he could hire bean-counters (like Romney). He again mis-stated and distorted Romney's positions; and, he fell back on his ability to garner bi-partisan support (from his friends, like Senators Lieberman, Clinton and Kennedy).

He showed his ignorance of the real world, and his lack of Conservative Republican credentials.

He also reaffirmed the old saw that, when confronted with the choice between the Democrat and the Democrat, they will vote for the Democrat.

The Lifeguard declares a winner of tonight's debate to be...Governor Mitt Romney!

Hillary! Says She Can Control Bill

When asked about former-President Bill Clinton's racially insensitive comments, for which she apologised, she indicated that she could "control" him.

Just like she "controlled" him when he was tagging Gennifer Flowers, Juanita Broaddrick, Monica Lewinsky*, Eleanor Mondale (maybe), Barbra Streisand, Sharon Stone, Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey, Catherine Cornelius, or anyone else.

Face it. We all know that Hillary! is going to do a Full Tammy (and stand by her man).

Of course, once she gets in the White House, she is sending him off on a Grand Tour of every Third World shit-hole, where he will be able to (legally) buy Cuban cigars and screw everything with two legs and a pair of X chromosomes.

*According to the Starr Report, cigars and oral sex equal tagging.

"Lawdy, Y'all. Dat Obama Be Jus' Like Da Reverend Jackson. Now, Where's Da White Women At?"

Speaking yesterday, in Columbia, South Carolina, Former (Impeached Black) President Bill Clinton compared Senator B. Hussein Obama with one of the most divisive figures in American politics, the race-baiting shakedown artist, the Reverend Jesse Jackson.

By mentioning Jackson and Obama in the same sentence, Clinton successfully engendered the same reaction that linking President Bush and Adolf Hitler gets (in the non-liberal, America-loving America in which I live). Or, Howard Dean comparing Senator Joe Lieberman (I-CT) with neo-Nazis.

Simply put, most Democrats--certainly those at the top of the food chain--are racists. And, Bill and Hillary! are among the worst.

The former President has managed to send a message to the racist element in America--the same people who think that Oprah is a "traitor" for supporting Obama--that the only good black President of the United States is a white President of the United States. (And, since the Twenty Second Amendment prohibits him, elect his wife.)

Sadly, in the past, many blacks have accepted this line of reasoning. But, with Obama in the hunt, they have a choice between The Establishment (Hillary!) and the New Generation (Obama). Whether the black community makes that choice or not remains to be seen.

Except, It Said, "Providence, RI 02918"...

I was at the local Chinese Restaurant, picking up my number 15*, when I saw this rather...um...large woman get out of her mini van (the shock absorbers heaving a sigh of relief) and close the car door. (She was, no doubt, going for the $7.95 All You Can Graze buffet.)

As she did, she dropped something on the ground. When she bent over to pick it up, I was presented with the Mother of all Tramp Stamps.

Now, I understand that the lower back is the location of choice for the Panama City License Plate. This is so because the skin on the lower back is less prone to stretch and sag as the woman ages and grows. At least that is what the Germans tell us.

This was one ugly tattoo; and, one bad Zip Code.

Really, why not "Weston, MA 02493." Maybe, "Greenwich, CT 06830." Wait, usually, women from the more affluent towns do not get such advertising plastered on their backsides.

I would have taken a picture; but, I didn't have my wide angle lens.

*Reminds me of the Chinese couple on their honeymoon. The husband asks his new wife for some 69. She says, "Why do you want beef and broccoli now?"

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Yesterday marked the thirty-fifth anniversary of the worst decision in the history of the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS). Justice Harry Blackmun, writing for the majority in Roe v. Wade, made up a right that didn't exist in the Constitution; but, which (in his mind) was implied in a line of cases.

Years later, I had the opportunity to ask Justice Blackmun a question about his most significant opinion; and, he said, "I will not talk about Roe." (I said, "No, I wanted to ask you about your opinion in Helicopteros Nacionales de Colombia, S.A. v. Hall." He was not amused.)

Notwithstanding the thrill of discussing in personam jurisdiction under the Fourteenth Amendment, Justice Blackmun knew that I was busting balls.

Funnily enough, Justice Blackmun thought that it was right in 1973; and, he thought it was right later on, years later. Correct that he had created a non-existent right--the rascally right to privacy--out of whole cloth. Right that he had legislated something from the bench that, if put to a referendum, would have probably passed (i.e., remained legal). Or, he could have simply followed the Constitution, and let the Tenth Amendment take care of things.

In reality, had Roe gone the other way, Jane Roe probably still could have had her abortion. (And, years later, she probably still would have had the change of heart that she did, coming to the conclusion that abortion is wrong.)

Indeed, abortion is still one of the biggest issues in American politics today.

Frankly, everyone is pro-choice: Some say that "life is a choice"; and, others say that a woman bears the ultimate choice over the life or death of the fetus growing inside of her body.

Regardless of your opinion on this subject, the general view--in mainstream America--is that abortion (especially after the first trimester) is wrong. However, like nuclear weapons, or the internet, the genie is out of the bottle. That genie can never be returned.

So, on the day after the anniversary, please consider this: Abortion, while distasteful, is with us.

Don't kill someone (i.e., an abortion doctor) to prevent it. Don't bomb an abortion clinic. Don't physically restrain someone on their way to have an abortion (for, that is battery). Instead, discuss, rationally, the horrors--emotional and physical--of abortion. Talk about alternatives. Try to prevent it, whenever possible.

If you can, you have saved a life. If you can not, you have done your best. In this case, that is all that you can hope to do.

Finally, I add that, while opposed to abortion, The Lifeguard would not love a child (or other person) any less if they believed that having an abortion was the right choice.

For mine own part, I would like to see the question put to a referendum. Notwithstanding that, I would note that it is the law of the land (until Roe is over-ruled). As such, we have to accept that.

Bill Clinton's Dream...

Former President Bill Clinton, in an appearance at the Convent Avenue Baptist Church, in Harlem, New York, was caught dozing off.

Said the former Chief Executive, "I was tired of listening to all of this shit about Martin Luther King, Jr. Hell, I was the first black President of the United States."

Later, he recalled former Ambassador Andrew Young's comments, and said, "I started thinking about Michelle Obama, and how I'd like to hit that thang."

"My dream is to have Hillary! and Barrack on the same ticket. Then, I can 'entertain' the Second Lady, if you know what I mean," Clinton said.

"The Lincoln Bedroom is mighty cozy," said Clinton.

Last Call For Maddie's Sail Loft

One of the great sailors' bars closed last Friday, and I didn't get a chance to say, "Goodbye."

I spent many years drinking at Maddie's; eating their (bad) food; and, telling stories with the crew of the various and sundry boats on which I raced. I was friendly with the owners and the wait-staff. I loved that place.

We made friends at Maddie's. We told tall tales at Maddie's. The Commode Door Cup was kept behind the bar; and, once a year, we enjoyed shots of Myer's Rum from the bowl.

You don't have to go home; but, you can't stay here.

The Lifeguard sends his condolences to the owners.

And now, the search for a new Wednesday night hang-out begins.

Mitt And Hillary! Win Nevada Caucuses! McCain Wins South Carolina...

It is too damn bad that Nevada (and its 31 delegates) wasn't all that important a story (in the eyes of the Republican-loathing media). Hillary!, on the other hand, eked out a narrow victory over Senator B. Hussein Obama on a day that saw former President Bill complain of disenfranchisement (apparently, some of the illegal aliens who wanted to vote for Hillary! were turned away) in caucuses that were "not like an election."

In South Carolina, Senator McCain avoided his 2000 primary failure by winning the Palmetto State. While in the past, the South Carolina Primary might have been a bellwether of Southern voting trends, the last twenty years have seen a huge influx of Damn Yankees*. Also, Mitt Romney's Mormonism played less well than the Reverend Mike's Baptistness. Huckabee finished second, and Romney, third.

Next up, the Democrats molest the Palmetto State next Saturday, when the Obama camp hopes to capitalise on his blackness (in the same way that Reverend Jesse did in 1984); and, Hillary! hopes to capitalise on her white womanlyness (in the same way that former Senator John Edwards did in 2004). Of course, neither race nor sex matters. (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.)

*A Yankee goes home after his vacation. A Damn Yankee buys a house and stays.

The Clintons Are Pretty Amazing!

They seem to be on the cutting edge of historic events. Hillary! is named for the beekeeper from New Zealand, Sir Edmund Hillary, who scaled Mt. Everest. The only problem: She was born almost six years before Sir Edmund conquered Everest.

Hillary! said that her daughter, Chelsea, witnessed the planes fly into the World Trade Centers while she was out for a run. Except for the fact that she was on Park Avenue South. Miles from the attacks.

Former President, Bill (the only elected president to be impeached), witnessed black churches burning in Arkansas. Except, he didn't.

Now, on the eve of Hillary!'s victory in the Nevada Caucuses, Bill (and Chelsea) say that they witnessed voter suppression. Except, it seems that there is no evidence that they did. (There were some reports that Sir Edmund Hillary--once, a beekeeper--released a shit-load of bees into the HVAC system of the MGM Grand.)

The former First Family; victims, one and all.

RIP, J...

Sadly, I lost my friend, J, earlier this week. One minute he was with us; the next, he was gone.

I will miss the way that grumpy bastard could brighten a room...by leaving it.

His sardonic wit. The absolute disregard for political correctness. The great stories about a life lived (or wasted, depending upon your perspective). The laughs about the dumb shit that people do. Like taunting a tiger, or wearing a T-Shirt to court that says, "Bad Cop. No Doughnut."

Most of all, I will remember one of the first things that J said to me:

J: "Are you busy?"

Me: "No."

J: "Then, go fuck yourself."

To this day, I revel when I can ask a store clerk, receptionist, or anyone else (for that matter), "Are you busy?"

So, J, wherever you are: "Are you busy?"

The Lifeguard Does Not Heart Huckabee

Yet another fat douche from Arkansas. From Hope, Arkansas, to be precise.

Governor Huckabee is a lot of things, and a smart, driven man; but, he has about as much business running the United States of America as did the last Arkansan who ran for the highest office in the land.

I am troubled by three things:

First, he is something of a stealth candidate. A man who has hidden his record; and, who gets exercised when it is mentioned. I note that he has made petulant remarks to both Senator Fred Thompson and Governor Mitt Romney (who won the Michigan Primary on this night). He criticised Governor Romney's religion (playing on fears that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is a cult). And, most recently, Governor Huckabee took a dig at Governor Romney, when faced with a crying child.

Second, he is a media darling; and, if a mainstream newspaper is endorsing Governor Huckabee, then he is not for me. As near as I can tell, he is more of a McCain Republican than a Reagan Republican.

He lacks skill as a chief executive, he has some tolerance for illegal immigration, and he has been a mixed bag on taxes (though he supports the "Fair Tax") and crime. Hell, even Bill Clinton was willing to execute a retard or two to show he was a law-and-order guy.

Finally, in spite of the fact that he has the support of Chuck Norris, I am (personally) troubled that he is an ordained Baptist* minister. Not because he is a religious man; but, because he has gone the extra step to become ordained. This, in my mind, is of greater concern than whether Governor Romney is LDS, or that Mayor Giuliani is a Roman Catholic.

Oh, and I doubt that anyone outside of the United States would take a Huckabee Administration seriously. Too much like that shitty movie.

*Ed. Note: I remember this (Baptist) girl asking me if I felt bad about the fact that I wasn't a Christian. I told her that I was Roman Catholic, and she said, "[w]ell, it's not the same thing." I have probably judged Baptists unfairly because of this vapid chick; but, I get the feeling that--with Baptists--it is not the exception, it is the rule.

"I HAVE A DREAM..."

“I would point to the fact that that Dr. King’s dream began to be realized when President Johnson passed the Civil Rights Act of 1964, when he was able to get through Congress something that President Kennedy was hopeful to do, the president before had not even tried, but it took a president to get it done. That dream became a reality, the power of that dream became real in people’s lives because we had a president who said we are going to do it, and actually got it accomplished.”

Senator Hillary! Rodham Clinton (D-NY), speaking before the Local 32BJ Union, in Midtown Manhattan, made the above remarks, hoping to explain away accusations that she is a racist.

I would point to the fact that had it not been for the Republican members of Congress--the ones that stepped up and supported President Johnson, and the Civil Rights Act of 1964--the president would have gotten cock.

I also note that the Civil Rights Act of 1957, introduced by President Dwight D. Eisenhower, was watered-down due, in large part, to Senate Leader (and later President) Lyndon Baines Johnson.

The Lifeguard Isn't About To Vote For...

Senator John Sidney McCain (R?-AZ).

Without going into too much detail, I note the following reasons to not vote for Senator McCain:

First, lest anyone forget, he is the consummate Washington D.C. insider. And, the only member of the Keating Five to not lose his job. Having escaped the hangman's noose, he got religion about campaign financing, and took--along with Senator Russ Feingold (D-WI)--a massive dump on the Constitution. As a result of his misguided legislation, it is now illegal for groups to run issue ads that specifically mention a(n incumbent) candidate. Instead of calling this abortion McCain-Feingold, it should have been called, "Fuck the public and let us keep our jobs."

Second, Senator McCain is a little too close to Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-AA Meeting), especially when it comes to illegal...wait...undocumented aliens. He is for amnesty. Even though he calls it something else. What a fucktard. He represents a state that is drowning in illegal aliens; and, which has just passed a severe anti-illegal law. I want a president who is for American Citizens, not American wannabes. He also was a member of the Gang of Fourteen, who obstructed the appointment of the judicial nominees of President G.W. Bush.

Third, the good Senator is a little too old for my taste. Not old in a former President Reagan way. Old in a "Holy shit, look at that guy's face" way. Like he went ten rounds with Mike Tyson. He's got skin cancers...and the demons of having been tortured by the North Vietnamese.

Which brings me to fourth. He is soft on the treatment of terrorists. No waterboarding for Senator McCain (even though he probably went through something like it when he went through Escape and Evasion Training). I would expect someone who wore a uniform, and was treated in a way that violated the Geneva Conventions to understand that people who do not wear a uniform are not protected by the Geneva Conventions. Further, I would expect this chap to understand that sometimes, torture works. (e.g., Khalid Sheikh Mohammed)

And, finally, while he has been anti-tax increase, he did vote against the Bush Tax Relief...twice. I don't care for any candidate who wants to send more of my money to Washington, D.C.--even if he claims that he voted against the cuts because there weren't corresponding budget cuts.

So, one down, a bunch more to go.

Over the next few days, The Lifeguard will give you the straight skinny on the candidates. You know, so you can make an informed decision on the man (or woman) for whom you will vote.

*For those of you in Massachusetts, you have until January 16th, 2008, to register to vote in the February 5th, 2008 Presidential Primary. Either go to your local city (or town) offices; or, download this form and deliver it, by Wednesday, to the clerk's office.

It Seemed Only Fair To Post A Picture Of Keira Knightly After The Train Wreck Below...

Madeleine Albright Is A Tool

The former Secretary of State under former (impeached) President, William Jefferson Clinton, said that the Bush (43) Presidency was "...one of the worst in history."

This, from the woman who danced with Kim Jong Il and claimed not to know that she was of Jewish descent. Hell, I didn't know her family history and I knew that she was of Jewish descent.

So, to the woman who thinks that President Bush is one of the worst presidents in history...and, who thinks that Senator Hillary! Rodham Clinton would be one of the best, "Shut the fuck up!"

I Must Admit, It Wasn't Quite What I Expected...

I was perusing the headlines, and I saw this: "Swedes to use body heat to warm offices."

In a flash, I had my bags packed, my ticket purchased, my passport in hand. I was off to Stockholm, to do my part to save the Earth from the effects of Global Climate Change.

Then, I actually read the article.

You Should Have Listened To Me, Jim Tressel.

Third quarter, BCS Championship, and LSU is spanking Ohio State, 31-10. So much for OSU's claim that they were the best team in the nation.

For my own part, I only cared about two bowls: The Meineke Car Care Bowl (won by a strong Wake Forest team, 24-10) and the BCS Championship.

I was interested in the former because I am an alumnus of Wake Forest. I cared about the latter because I can not stand Ohio State.

So, "Go Tigers!"

RACIST ALERT! RACIST ALERT!

Hillary! does it again...and gets a free pass from the mainstream media. Today...on Today (with Matt Lauer)...Hillary! noted that Senator B. Hussein Obama (who hopes to be America's second black president) "...hasn't done the spadework necessary to be president."

Maybe The Lifeguard (and Rush Limbaugh) are making too much of this; but, I don't think so.

She went on to talk about how Governor Bill Richardson, an Hispanic, keeps his house spic and span; and how she once "Jewed down" Connecticut Senator Joey Lieberman at a garage sale.

Rush Limbaugh mentioned it. A few bloggers have, too. The major news organs, however, have decided to let it slide. Sort of like when she recalled that Ghandi ran a convenience store in St. Louis.

In other news, Hillary!'s husband, the first black President of the United States, said that he was unable to make Hillary! "...younger, taller, male." He did, however, tell a chunky college girl working on Hillary!'s campaign that he could "...make her see Jesus."

"Y'all fat, and y'all eat too much."

That was what the waitress at a Houma, Louisiana Chinese restaurant told 6'3", 265 pound Ricky Labit after he and his fat(ter) relative went through the buffet line again (and again).

The two were at an all-you-can-eat buffet, and were singled out by the proprietress because of the large quantity of crab and frog legs scarfed down by Labit and his wife's cousin, Michael Borelli.

Borelli and Labit were each initially slapped with a ten ($10.00) dollar fat-ass surcharge. Eventually, the police were called; and, after some discussion, the gents were given their meals on the arm.

Ed. Note: I saw these chaps on Fox News, and I thought, for a moment, that I was watching a remake of Deliverance. Hearing these boys talk was like listening to Farmer Fran. In addition, they had the sack to criticise the proprietress of the restaurant for having limited English skills. Or, at least that what I thought they said.

And, I am still trying to wrap my head around why one eats "shrimp balls." Hell, they are so small--shrimpy, even--and it takes so many to make a meal. And, it gives Southern folk a bad name. They might as well have talked about sweet-and-sour squirrel and Moo Shu nutria.

"I like man-dates."

Watching the Facebook/WMUR Republican debate, on Saturday, January 5th, 2008, was a watershed event. Sort of like the day that the Mitchell Report was published. Or the day that Benazir Bhutto was murdered by some cowardly goat-humper on a martyrdom mission. Or the day that I found out that Britney Spears was an unfit mother.

Former Massachusetts Governor, Willard Mitt Romney, admitted that he was...gasp...a homosexual. Or, at the very least, a metrosexual.

When asked a question by former Senator Fred Thompson (R-Law and Order), Romney said (not once, but twice) that he "...like[d] man-dates."

Say it ain't so, Mitt. Say it ain't so.

Happy New Year!

I don't know what the picture has to do with 2008, or the New Year, or anything else, for that matter. I just know that I have always liked the picture--its passion, its vitality, its spontaneity.

Anyway, The Lifeguard hopes that you all started off the new year with someone you love/thinking of someone you love/with someone you might grow to love.

In other words, The Lifeguard wishes you all a healthy, happy, loving and prosperous 2008.

The picture, by the way, is Robert Doisneau's "Kiss at the Hotel de Ville."